Monday, April 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

"Nobody has a sense of humor anymore," you recently bemoaned to a television interviewer when your witty remarks about Hawaii (see previous post, "Aloha!") seemed to fall flat.

You may be right.  But have you considered that you are the reason for this?

In the meantime, to get America laughing again:


And my proposed entries into this year's competition:

Cheers!

Underemployed


Friday, April 21, 2017

Dear Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin,

Please go back to Alaska and keep an eye on Russia for us, okay?

Thank you,

Underemployed

P.S.  I'd like to go back in time to before you bought that shirt.




Thursday, April 20, 2017

Aloha!

Aloha, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!

Greetings from an island in the Pacific!  You know, that one island...or maybe there's more than one...sort of like neighborhoods or counties or districts or something, yeah, that's it...Hawaii!  Home of beautiful beaches, a big-ass telescope, volcanoes, a Polynesian cultural heritage, Maui Wowie (good stuff that good people don't smoke), and - yes! - actual federal judges.  With all the actual federal powers that other federal judges have.

Amazing, no?  So you say.

And so are we, equally amazed that even wonky-eared little toads named Beauregard born in boondock (from the Tagalog, meaning "backwater hell-hole") Alabama can wield power in this great (or will-be great, once your bloated bromance gets back from Palm Beach) country.  

Dude, it's called democracy.  You're the Attorney-fucking-General.  You shouldn't have to Google that. 

With one sentence you kicked us out of the United States without so much as a referendum.  Not that all of us mind, given who's president.  The Hawaiian sovereignty movement is particularly pleased.

Are you still holding Barack Obama against us?  Tiny Bubbles?  (We're sort of with you there.)  Or, maybe, given the situation in North Korea, you're trying to move the U.S. border a few thousand miles to the east? 

Whatever.  We still love you, Jeffy.  And if you ever come to...um...Hawaii, we'll be happy to take your money and laugh at your Speedo.

Your 50th state,

Hawaii




Thursday, April 13, 2017

Sure About That?

"I'm not the darkness..."





 (BTW, that under-the-chin liposuction thing?  Not good.)






Friday, April 7, 2017

Do It

Dear Mr. Trump,

If you get rid of Bannon and Priebus, that might - possibly - jump start my breathing.

Unwillingly yours,

Underemployed






Sunday, April 2, 2017

Picture This

Reality check:

Okay, so imagine that you are a Russian media network.  And you decide to have a party...

"Let's have a party!"
"Hella yeah!"
"And let's invite Vladimir!"
"OF COURSE!!  It's not a party without Vladimir."
"What kind of entertainment shall we have?"
"SPEAKERS!  Let's have speakers.  I love speakers!"
"Good idea!  Now who shall we invite to speak?"
"How about an American general?"
"Woo-HOO!"
"And we can give him money!  Lots of money.  And vodka.  And he can sit next to Vladi."
"Brilliant!  How 'bout that one old geezer who can't stop blinking...whatshisname..."
"Flynn!  Dude, I'm down.  It's gonna rock."

Can you picture it?  Right.  

Me neither.


Thursday, March 30, 2017

Monday, March 27, 2017

Dear President Kushner

Dear President Kushner,

How's Dad?

Not so good, huh?

I'm willing to bet that you came back from your ski trip (powder?  Hope there was powder!) to find your President-in-law alternating between towering tantrum and catatonia.  "Uh-oh," I'm sure you said to yourself.  "Something must be done here.  Good thing the President has such a bright son-in-law who's more than willing to step up to the plate as Leader of the Free World."  And - voila! - the White House Office of American Innovation (WHOAi) was born.

So easy.  Why haven't any of those stupid old codgers in Washington thought of this before?  I'm looking forward to your inspiring leadership.  And Ivanka's, because I - for one - have pretty much figured out what the future looks like:  discount mid-price designer.  

So, what exactly is this new office?  According to my research, it is:
  1. A "SWAT team of strategic consultants"; and
  2. An "incubator of sleek transformation".
Sounds like fun!  I hear that you're "proud" of the fact that this group of wunderkind has "little or no experience" in anything like government.  Hey, fuck the last 241 years!

And here's the first thing on your schedule: a "reimagining" of the Veteran's Administration.  Starting with that pesky opioid addiction epidemic.  Since you have Jeff Sessions looking over your shoulder, you probably won't do anything as innovative or strategic or sleek as just letting the poor bastards have some weed.  OMG, no!  You're going create an official "drug commission", headed by none other than that living embodiment of innovation, strategy, and sleek:  Chris Christie!  Governor Meatloaf.  You guys are old friends, right?

I'm feeling more optimistic already.  Or something like that.

For the record, we didn't vote for you either.  Apparently, it's the new normal.

Longanimously yours,

Underemployed



Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Chancellor Merkel

Dear Chancellor Merkel,

Please allow me to apologize for the lack of civility afforded you by our (questionably) elected-leader.  

I'm sure you were bewildered, as were we all, but after conducting a little research, I have managed to make some sense of the whole fiasco:
  1. You were supposed to come on a Monday.
  2. Unfortunately, there was a big snowstorm.
  3. So you rescheduled your visit.
  4. And came on a Friday instead.
  5. Delaying Mr. Trump's departure to Mar-A-Lago.
So he was a little cranky.  He gets like that if he's away from Mar-a-Lago for too long, the reasons for which are still open to speculation. 

It was more than a little uncomfortable for you, coming all that way and being treated like a Venezuelan beauty pageant winner.  Still, you were a lady and a scholar, and my admiration for you knows no bounds.

And please don't worry about the bill.  I understand the Freedom Caucus is planning to take care of it.

Your fan,

Underemployed  






Timing Is Everything

Dear Mr. Trump,

Good move.  I'm guessing this isn't the best time to have a surrogate named "Boris".

Cheers,

Underemployed




Dear Maureen Dowd

Dear Maureen,

Thank you for writing this:


You've said it all.  And so much better than I ever could.

Gratefully yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  I had to look up "Manichaean".  What an adjective!  You are now, officially, the person I want to be when I grow up.










Friday, March 24, 2017

Dear France

Dear France,

Regarding Ms. Le Pen:  I've seen this movie before.  I know how it ends.

Faites attention!

Underemployed




Thursday, March 23, 2017

I Can't Let Go

Dear Mr. Pence,

Regarding my previous post ("Dear Mr. Pence"), I need a reality check.

Given that:
  1. All of the people in that photograph are men.
  2. And elected officials.
  3. And highly educated (in theory),
  4. And, on average, at least 50% of their constituents are women,
  5. Who (also, in theory), vote...
...you expect me to believe that not one of those guys looked around that room and was prompted to say, "Dudes, I'm pretty sure none of us know what the fuck we're talking about."

Seriously???

It's not that I just disagree.  It's that I cannot, for the life of me, imagine the kind of mental processes going on in your quasi-Christianity-addled cranium.  When I try to imagine them, all I come up with are alien life forms.  And the Salem witch trials.

And now your puffy orange boss is threatening to take his toys and go home.  Tell the truck drivers to be sure to lock the doors and take their keys.

Appallingly yours,

Underemployed





 

Dear Mr. Pence


Dear Mr. Pence,

What is wrong with this picture?  If you answered, "Not one of those people know jack-shit about anything remotely connected with maternity," you would be right.

And I wouldn't be questioning your:
  1. Intelligence.
  2. Sanity.
  3. Morals.
  4. Residence status in the 21st century,
  5. And/or on Earth. 
Screw you.  And everybody else in that room.

Sincerely,

Underemployed
(Female, Mother)




Monday, March 20, 2017

Friday, March 17, 2017

Dear Pope Francis

Dear Pope Francis,

I just came across the following headline:

"Pope Tells Priests to Call in Exorcists When Needed"

I think the need is evident.

Can you lend us a priest?  And is there a group rate?

Yours in Christ,

Underemployed








Thursday, March 16, 2017

Dear Representative King

Dear Representative King,

May I quote you?

"My colleagues have generally been coming by and patting me on the back.  And a surprising number have said that they pray for me.  And, meaning they support me and they agree with me, a surprising number."

Or, meaning they think you're going to Hell. 

I wouldn't be surprised.

Unfortunately yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  Your nose looks like somebody's butt.






Curiouser and Curiouser

Dear Mr. Trump,

Every time I think that life under your inspired leadership can't get any weirder, it does.  Especially curious, and often disturbingly so, is your circle of confidants. A few of them would probably pass a psych eval, but I'm pretty sure that if I had to spend five minutes in a room with Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and/or Kellyanne Conway, I could probably be persuaded to buy a one-way ticket to Mars.

I will now add Roger Stone to the list, the latest lunatic to emerge from your ever-increasing shadows.  I just can't keep up with all of these people, try as I might.  Much as I wish I didn't have to.

So, yeah, Roger.  Actually he's been on and off the scene for some time now.  A very snappy dresser, I'm told.  Doesn't wear socks, which disturbed Nancy Reagan, but hey! Einstein didn't wear socks either.  That's not enough to put him on my "whoa! wtf?" list. 

But this stuff is:
  1. He talks to you more often than I talk to my children.
  2. He exchanges tweets with Russian hackers.
  3. He once said, "One man's dirty trick is another man's civic participation."
  4. He thinks that someone is trying to bump him off,
  5. Because he thinks he was the victim of polonium 210 poisoning,
  6. And then - yesterday - an attempt at vehicular homicide.
  7. Because...why?
  8. And...by who?  The Russians?  You?
  9. To quote Ted Cruz (God help me, I'm quoting Ted Cruz):  "He's a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent."
  10. But the best reason - and I saw a picture of this, which may finally drive me into therapy - he has a picture of Richard Nixon tattooed on his back.

I think I'm done.  Good Lord, I hope so.  As I've said before, as soon as you start acting goofy, and I believe your "wiretapping" accusations qualify as goofy, one should check out what else is happening in your arena.

(By the way, you didn't use quotation marks in all of those tweets.  Go back and check.)

And if you see Rachel Maddow, tell her to calm down.

Very truly yours,

Underemployed






Tuesday, March 14, 2017

When in the Course of human events,

Dear America,

Isn't it about time we stopped pretending, and admitted that our maybe (or maybe not, pending investigation) duly-elected president is just straight-up crazy?

Sincerely,

Underemployed






Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Dear Mr. Assange

Dear Mr. Assange,

I wrote a poem for you:

There once was a man named Assange
Who was more than a little bit strange
He publishes leaks
And havoc he wreaks
(But)*
Trump's taxes seem out of his range.

*Extra syllable.  Sorry.

In other words, darling:  I don't give a rat's ass about WikiLeaks' latest batch.  Frankly, we've got bigger problems right now.

Grow some cojones and publish the tax returns already.

Expectantly yours,

Underemployed 

P.S.  If you rearrange the letters of your name, it reads:  "NASA is a jungle".  Coincidence?  Something's going on!

P.P.S.  It also reads:  "Glue a ninja ass".  Something still going on. Sad!








Sunday, March 5, 2017

I Get It!

Dear Mr. Trump,

I get it!  It's not Obama you want to vilify; it's the FBI!  (Thank you, Mr. Comey, for clearing that up.)

So, I'm guessing that the FBI is going to have some very interesting information for us, very soon.  Which, of course, will be suspect information (of course) because the FBI are Nazis, Nixons, McCarthyists, and don't like kittens.  And then there's the fake news (i.e, news not published by Breitbart), dishonest media, bad-sport Democrats, etc., etc...

Can't wait!

Got my radar on,

Underemployed




All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power, and...well...um...hmmm...

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.

Sincerely,

Underemployed

 



Friday, March 3, 2017

One More Time

Dear Mr. Sessions,

Let me try this again.  Because I think you're missing the point here.

Actually, I think a lot of people are missing the point here.  Did you meet with Ambassador Kislyak?  

Yes.  

Is it important?  Possibly.

But I don't care if you were swapping middle names or you were getting his grandmother's recipe for blini.  That's another discussion for another time.

What IS important is that you lied.  Under oath.  On video, on record.  We need a committee to figure this out?  

And heeding Donald Trump's opinion of you is like heeding a pyromaniac's opinion of an arsonist.

Just sayin',

Underemployed





Thursday, March 2, 2017

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

To save everybody a lot of time, money, and a deluge of Wolf Blitzer's droning voice, I am appointing myself Special Prosecutor of your case.

Here is the accusation:
  1. At your confirmation hearing, Senator Franken asked you a question.
  2. You lied,
  3. And you knew it.
  4. Under oath,
  5. At you own freaking confirmation hearing.
Here is the evidence against you:



Just to be clear, here - according to the Oxford English dictionary - is the definition of perjury:  

"The offence of wilfully telling an untruth or making a misrepresentation under oath."

Here is the definition of untruth:  

"A lie or false statement (often used euphemistically)".

Here is the definition of false:   

"Not according with truth or fact; incorrect." 

Here is the definition of lie (noun):
 
"An intentionally false statement."

And here is the definition of lie (verb)

 Tell a lie or lies."

With me so far?

Good.  

Anything to say in your defense?  That doesn't make you sound like a ten-year-old who didn't do his homework?

I didn't think so. 

Now please go away.

Underemployed






 


I Did Not See This Coming

Dear Mr. Trump,

Jeff Sessions!  Jeff Sessions?!?

Mr. President, I think I see some clouds on the horizon...

Quick!  Legalize marijuana and socialize medicine!  Oh, and send Elizabeth Warren some flowers.  All will be forgiven.

Believe me,

Underemployed

  




Monday, February 27, 2017

Who Knew?

"Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated." - President Donald J. Trump

Yeah.  We did.

I think it's an IQ thing.






What Were You Thinking?

Dear Mr. Trump,

What?!  Really?????

Tell me you did NOT schedule the Governors Ball on the same night as the Oscars!  I can't believe my eyes, my ears, and the fake news!  What possessed you?  (Let me guess:  Steve Bannon.)

I knew you were a bully.  That's part of what some people (mainly those who need to repeat high school) consider to be your charm.  Sure escapes me, but then I am neither pathetically gullible nor pathologically masochistic.  (I love you for other reasons, like you're writing my next book for me.)

But this brings bullying into a whole new (Oscar award winning?) category:  Entertainment Bullying.

You tweeted that 46 governors attended.  "A record number", you said, and since I have no way of fact-checking that, I will assume it's about as accurate as your crowd-size estimates.  I will also assume that these governors attended with their spouses.  And I will further assume that the following conversations took place in many-a-governor's home:

"Honey, we have to go to the president's Governors Ball."
"I'd rather have chemo."
"It's on the same night as the Oscars."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"We can dance the night away with the whole Trump family."
"I'm calling a lawyer."

Sucks to be a governor these days.  

Actually, sucks to be anyone.

Looking forward to your congressional address,

Underemployed








Sunday, February 26, 2017

Found the Leak!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Maybe you'd better sit down for this.

It's your homeboy Steve Bannon!  I didn't so much "find" it as figured it out.  

Why, you may ask yourself, would my BFF Stevie be leaking all this terrible (fake?) news about me?  Well, you pride yourself on being a simple man (so true!), and in keeping with that, the answer is also simple.

This is how it works:
  1. Mr. Bannon leaks something awful about you to the (very dishonest) press.
  2. Then you go all bat-shit crazy and say something - how should I put this? - stupid.
  3. And while everybody is laughing and/or being terrified...
  4. ...Mr. Bannon quietly does something to further his doomsday agenda,
  5. Which nobody notices.
Personally, whenever you start acting...hmmmm...questionable, I google Steve Bannon.  

Try it!  It works.  

That guy should be doing shell games on the subway.  Missed his calling.

On the ball,

Underemployed





Friday, February 24, 2017

Party On, Darth

Dear Mr. Trump,

Great party, dude!  Now we finally have a precedent, finally! 

Or at least that's what it looked like from this side of the fake news media's glowing reports.  "Disneyland for conservatives" is how one happy camper put it, though a lot of you sounded like you'd been on the Mad Tea Cups for a few too many spins. 

Experiencing some major FoMO here.  Who knew the Conservative Political Action Conference, something I had been (blissfully) unaware of all my life, would be such a blast?  This party had everything:  plenty of booze (apparently), a plethora of non-creative fiction, Russian flags, art therapy (?)(!), groovy young people wearing "Socialism Sucks" t-shirts...

...and a bromance between Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus that was so darn hot that I'm thinking you might want to ask them which bathroom they want to use.

Io Saturnalia!

Believe me, I couldn't stop combing the Internet for juicy details.  That is, until I came across a video of a some dude with a truly terrifying hair transplant telling everybody how much fun you really are.

As if we couldn't guess.

Then there was Kellyanne (you know...that one girl...), at her best, charming the crowd with her cleverness ("TPAC" - too cute!) and laying it out once and for all that she is not a feminist.  At least not in the "classic sense", something that is confusing to people who own dictionaries.  But my son told me that he saw a video of her punching out some guy at the inauguration (I bet he said something about your dress, Kellyanne.  Did that bastard tell you he didn't like your dress?  Honey, nobody liked that dress), so I'll give her a pass.

This time.

Keep on partying like it's 1699,

Underemployed








Sunday, February 19, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Please keep Steve Bannon where we can see him.

Concernedly yours,

Underemployed



Thursday, February 16, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Those naughty Ruskies!  Missiles, spy ships, and goodness knows what else?  Maybe they could get to Ivanka or Melania with some "fake fashion news"?  

Maybe they already have.

Well, at any rate, this is it.  Your moment.  All eyes on you.  ACT TOUGH!  I'm sure everyone will be enormously impressed. 

I hear you're taking time off from the maelstrom in the White House to kick off your 2020 re-election campaign in Florida on Saturday.  Here's some advice:
  1. Take off your shirt!  
  2. Wrestle an alligator!
  3. Show the world that you're not just some big, puffy, whiny, orange baby.  Alligators (Trump?) are tremendously tougher than tigers (Putin, and he had a gun).  This could be a big "win" for you.

Knock 'em dead,

Underemployed





Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

What a week you've had!  A HUGE job, putting together a veritable Marvel Universe of scary guys in your cabinet, each more worrisome than the last.  Sometime soon I'm going to make a list of them with their super-names and super-powers, but they're coming at me so fast and furiously I'm having a tough time keeping up.  However, I've already got your super-name ready: Agent Orange.

Like it?  I think your super-power will be blinding idiots with alternative facts.

The last two cabinet posts...what can I say?  A school marm and a hanging judge.  When does John Wayne ride into this scene?

The hanging judge: Jeff Sessions.  Is that a real person or were you somehow able to reanimate the corpse of Henry Gibson?  

Consider:
Coincidence?  You decide.
Now all this brouhaha about Mike Flynn!  Dude, I called it (see previous post, "Dear Mr. Trump" 2/2/17), and today it's all the news fit to print.

But there's something I noticed that's got me worried.  
  1. So, yeah, Mike Flynn and the Russians.
  2. And last Saturday you decided to have an open-air situation room meeting on a terrace at Mar-a-Lago ("Hey, it's a nice night..."),
  3. AND, if my calculations are correct, a Russian spy ship would have been within drone-surveillance distance right about that time.
People with suspicious natures might wonder about that.

Just sayin',

Underemployed





Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Dear New England Patriots

Dear* New* England* Patriots*,

Congratulations*!

Sleep* well*, you've* earned* it*,

Underemployed*





Monday, February 6, 2017

Dear Australia

Dear Australia,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because your handsome, progressive, well-educated, well-mannered, and legally elected head of state - with the very nice name - had such an unpleasant experience with our new (sort of a) president.

To be fair, Steve Bannon was in the room and Mr. Trump should have just handed him the phone, but that might have been much worse.

Let me tell you a little story.  Back in the days when I was gainfully employed, I worked for a company which came up with this brilliant idea: They gave all their managers psychological tests, and - based on the results - categorized them into one of four personality types.  The company then gave us cards that detailed how to interact with people from each of these four categories.  The idea was that we would consult the cards for tips on how to effectively communicate with one another.  A sort of "cheat sheet" on how to deal with humans.  It was recommended that we also keep a card by our phones.  I am not kidding about this.  I wish I were.

So, based on what I've seen so far - and America has a pretty lengthy history with the Trumpster - I've come up with a cheat sheet for Mr. Turnbull to keep by his phone, based on Mr. Trump's personality traits (I'll leave the category up to the popular imagination).  Hopefully, this will prevent any future misunderstandings. 

Things to Remember When Talking to Donald Trump
  1. He's orange.
  2. He has weird hair,
  3. Which he "does" himself.
  4. He's vulgar (Versailles Hall of Mirrors, pussy),
  5. And a bully.
  6. He has an extremely limited attention span,
  7. And delusions of grandeur.
  8. He has an obsession with "winning", though he's vague on what exactly is to be won.
  9. He's thin-skinned, especially about size (hands, crowds).
  10. He has difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality (The Apprentice, Melania).
  11. He's terrified of all things alien,
  12. Like immigrants, 
  13. Women, 
  14. Godzilla.
  15. And he's uneducated.
I am basing #15 (above) on his use of the word "unpresidented" as an adjective.

I'm sure you and I would both love to see it used as a verb.

Cheers,

Underemployed






Sunday, February 5, 2017

Question

Q:  What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a turkey?

A:  Mitch McConnell.





Saturday, February 4, 2017

The Trumpiverse

Dear Mr. Trump,

I've been pondering your existence for some time now.  Up until yesterday it's been mostly a fruitless endeavor.  But yesterday, in a moment of pure serendipity, I had a flash, and - wow! - I get it.

What is it I understand now, that I didn't understand before?  Why, how things work in the Trumpiverse!

(For the record, I believe that we are all part of a patchwork multiverse, inhabiting unique and individual universes, each one subject to our personal interpretations of the universal laws of Nature.  This might very well be the purpose of humankind.  Please don't tell Mike Pence.)

Here's how I think things work in the Trumpiverse:
  1. They paint you orange.
  2. You act like a chowderhead.
  3. And while everyone is gawking at your antics,
  4. The squad is up to some pretty dazzling acts of witlessness, many of which a substantial number of thinking people would take issue with.
Do I have that right?

If so, then let me congratulate you on a spectacular display of - dare I say? - sneakiness.

A veritable sleight-of-(tiny) hand.

And one of which, I'm sure, Bill Belichick would approve.

May the force be with you, and Go Falcons!

Underemployed







Thursday, February 2, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I don't want to alarm you, but...

...Mike Flynn.  I think he's blinking in code.  

Ask Vladi.

Vigilantly yours,

Underemployed






Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

I'm sure by now you're asking yourself, "What's a girl gotta do to get a little 'us' time with her husband, without upsetting the entire free world?"

Don't you fret, honey.  Even though "us" time for me and my husband tends to center around doing laundry, this underemployed household would like to thank you for making us believe in princesses.  (Jared's hand on your ass was just the whimsical touch needed to keep it real.  I'm sure he got a wink and a slap-on-the-back from Daddy Warbucks for that one!)

I hear there are some spoil sports out there who are boycotting your fashion line.  No offense, Vanky (can I call you Vanky?), but you're making it a little too easy for them.  I mean, you're not selling anything really distinctive, are you?  In truth, a die-hard Ivanka Trump fan could switch over to Calvin Klein (or Ralph Lauren, Vince Camuto, Michael Kors, etc., etc.) without skipping a beat.

But I'm not the type to point out a problem without offering a solution, and here it is:  How about bringing out a line of clothes for nuclear winter?  I'm pretty sure you'd corner that particular market.  And market there will be, if I'm reading the stars right.

Think about it.  From this:
 Image result for ivanka's date night

To this:




Image result for fashion for nuclear winter 

I'm sure you could do better.  Some bold accessories?  Perhaps a sequin or two?

Saving my pennies,

Underemployed 






Estimado Presidente Gringo

Estimado Presidente Gringo,

Tus manos son muy, muy, muy chiquitas.

Atentamente,

Mexico

P.S.  Tambien tu "crowd size".  Ja-ja!


Monday, January 30, 2017

Challenge

Can you tell which of the following are characters from Harry Potter...

...and which are just Republicans with funny names?

Take the challenge!


Albus Dumbledore
Argus Filch
Barry Loudermilk
Blaine Luetkemeyer
Blake Farenthold
Bledsoe Bobbinsnatcher
Bob Corker
Broderick Bode
Bruce Otter
Cuthbert Binns
Dave Brat
Donald Trump
Doug Ducey
Dutch Ruppersberger
Frank James Sensenbrenner
Gellert Grindelwald
George J. Terwilliger III
Jeff Flake
Kinky Friedman 
Lloyd Smucker
Ludo Bagman
Mike Crapo
Mitt Romney
Morfin Gaunt
Mundungus Fletcher
Newt Gingrich
Newt Scamander
Orrin Hatch
Reginald Cattermole
Reince Priebus
Rufus Scrimgeour
Saxby Chambliss
Steve Mnuchin
Sturgis Podmore
Trey Gowdy III
Trey Hollingsworth
Wilky Twycross
Young Boozer

There's no real point to this.  

Just sayin'.




Sunday, January 29, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Wow!  What a week you had!  SUPER-presidential.  Busy as a bee, and that can't all be strong coffee.  I'm sure you're just worn out from signing everything Steve Bannon puts in front of you.

It's all been a little overwhelming, but I don't want you to think your valiant efforts have gone unnoticed and/or unappreciated.  I'd like to thank you for the following:
  1. Between the Muslim ban, plans for the Great Wall (hey! worked for China in the fourteenth century), and Steve Bannon on the National Security Council, I'm feeling much safer.  Well, maybe "safer" isn't the right word here, but I'm sure feeling something!
  2. Do you think you could ask President (Sorry!  I mean, Mr.) Bannon to bathe once in a while?  It might make him a little less creepy.  (Actually, probably not.)
  3. And a BIG thank you for offering to send "The Feds" into Chicago to straighten us out.  (Is that a band?)
  4. But before you do that, a word of advice:  Watch some film footage of the 1968 Democratic Convention.
  5. And those were just the white people.
I hope the noisy protesters aren't disturbing your sleep, but I get the impression that you don't sleep very much anyway.  Which sort of worries me.

And finally, please don't worry about any crazy (nasty, vile, loathsome) stuff that Vlad and Stevie might be holding over your head.

It won't change the way I feel about you one bit.

Your comrade,

Underemployed

 




Thursday, January 26, 2017

Just a Quick Note

Dear Senator Sandlin,

I'd rather have a fat ass than a fat head.

Just sayin'.

Sincerely,

Underemployed





Monday, January 23, 2017

Alternative Facts

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm always thrilled when I hear a new word or phrase that would make a great name for a band.  "Alternative Facts" ranks up there as one of the best, and thank you for sharing.  I considered thanking Kellyanne Conway, but I am reluctant to attribute this sort of creative intelligence to anyone who so closely resembles Bill the Cat:




Thus, I'd like to assume that little beauty was yours.  Again, my thanks.  It corrects a misconception, under which I've been laboring under for quite some time i.e., that you've never read a book in your life.

I now know that you've at least read Orwell.

Keep 'em coming, and Go Falcons!

Underemployed


Friday, January 20, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I thought I'd take a little break from checking condo prices on Cape Breton in order to send you a thank-you note.

Yes, a thank-you note.  The first of many, I hope.

No Nervous Nellie here!  On this: the grim, dark, murky day of your inauguration as President of the United States, the very skies entreating the cruel and uncaring Fates with anguished sobs, I have poured myself a glass of wine (the first, I think, of many tonight), and decided to look on the bright side.

"What bright side?" one might ask, and one might be right, if short-sighted.  I will remind my gentle (and terrified) readers that every experience (no matter how unnatural/bizarre/repugnant) is ever wasted, but for the lessons to be learned therein.

 And here's what I learned, just today:
  1. There is a God.
  2. Only one.
  3. He's a guy.
Thank you.  That's a big lesson.  No too subtly delivered, either.  My mother ship, to whom I beam up news from this planet, will be glad to hear that's finally settled.

The best thing about this Guy-God?  He is personally on our side.  The United States of America.  He likes us.  And our best friends.  A lot.  So, no worries.  I thank you, Mr. Trump, for letting us know about that.  I'll cancel my therapist.

There are a couple of other things I would also like to thank you for, sir:
  1. Pointing out that I've been mispronouncing the word "redistributed" my whole life. 
  2. Initiating the process to kill that pesky Climate Action Plan.  And while we were all looking at Melania's dress, you clever-boots!  I live in Chicago.  Make no mistake about it, dude, I am absolutely fucking thrilled by global warming.
Lastly, Mr. Trump, thank you for prompting me to write.  I have a feeling that you will be a constant source of inspiration, if not enlightenment, for the next four years.  Two years, if Melania pushes you out of bed and you break your hip.  But, hey, I'm not a political strategist.

With gratitude, best of luck and Go Packers!

Underemployed







Sunday, January 1, 2017

Pass the Vodka - Available on Amazon!

Just when you thought it was safe...

My second book:





Now available on Amazon!

The book and the Kindle version are listed separately.  So far.  I have learned (from experience) that I will wake up one morning and they will magically appear under one product listing, unprompted by any action taken by me.  Is this a great world, or what?

Happy New Year to all!

It's good to be back.