Saturday, June 24, 2017

The American Simple Health Care Act

We the People of the United States claim the right to participate in the same Health Care Plan as is participated wherein by Congress and the President, whose salaries and benefits We provide.

In the case that this Health Care is unaffordable by Us (i.e., it should not exceed 8% of our gross income) we claim the right to subsidy to the necessary cost, or to participate in Medicaid or Medicare as is appropriate.

There.  Two sentences.

All in favor, say "Aye".

Friday, June 23, 2017

Dear Republican Senators

Dear Republican Senators,

One question:

If your health care plan is so fucking wonderful, will YOU all be signing up for it?

Just asking,


Thursday, June 22, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So there are no tapes.  I knew that (see previous post).

I knew it from the beginning.  So did everybody else.  Except for - maybe - Kellyanne Conway who thinks that a microwave oven is a potential surveillance apparatus.  And maybe that one Republican congressman in Michigan who thinks God is going to fix global warming (if it becomes a problem).  Actually, I think in the case of Kellyanne, she just says stuff like that so you won't feel like the only lunatic in the room. 

Here are your tweets:

With all of the recently reported electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information, I have no idea...

...whether there are "tapes" or recordings of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings.

 - Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 22, 2017

Now let's take that apart:

"With all of the recently reported (by whom?) electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information (only a prob if you're guilty), I have no idea...whether there are "tapes" (those quotation marks again - intriguing!) of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings (no shit).

What the ENTIRE WORLD knows, Mr. Trump, is that you were just throwing a tantrum, shooting off your mouth (or, in this case, short and stubby fingers), and didn't have the balls to admit it.  BELIEVE ME, they're laughing at you. 

And as for James Comey:  You better hope he wasn't wearing a wire. 

Think about it,



Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Dear Steve Bannon

Dear Steve Bannon,

Chelsea Clinton says you "fat shamed" Sean Spicer.  And I have no reason to doubt Chelsea Clinton on this.

For the record, Sean Spicer is - by far - the least creepy-looking of anyone in Trump's confederacy of dunces.  And I'm including Jared and Ivanka.  (Maybe especially Jared and Ivanka.)

You, on the other hand, are a bloated, warty toad.  Possibly with alcohol- and/or drug- induced brain damage.  And you look like you smell bad.  

So there is no good reason for you to be anything shaming anybody.

Go away,


Processing Time

Today my husband turns to me and says, "Remember Trump's Cabinet meeting?  The one where everybody was crawling on the floor to lick his shoes?  That was.  The most.  Disgusting.  Thing.  I've EVER seen.  In my whole life."

My husband:
  1. Is 85-years-old, and that's a lot of life,
  2. And he's a former employee of the government of Cook County, IL.
  3. So he knows of which he speaks, 
  4. Because Cook County is basically Chicago,
  5. The government of which has always been - more or less - disgusting.
When this man uses superlatives in reference to government, one listens.

I agree with him, though I didn't require as much processing time.  And I've since pondered what the individual motives might have been for the performances.

Here's what I've come up with:
  1. Greed.
  2. And/or fear.
  3. Except for Mike Pence, 
  4. Who - I'm pretty sure - is what we sometimes euphemistically refer to as "simple minded".
  5. But he's from Indiana.  Therefore, no one notices.   
In case you missed it:

Maybe just a tad too "Supreme Leader"?

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

Please allow me to impart a bit of wisdom to you.  It's the kind of wisdom one generally acquires before the age of six, if one is not a billionaire and/or has body guards.

"If you're gonna dish it out, make sure you can take it."

I'm not hopeful you know what that means. Especially after listening to you describe to your friends at Fox News how you were "not expecting the viciousness" that a number of people are directing toward your father.

So let me explain it to you.

On Planet Earth, people - for the most part - are not vicious unless somebody gives them a good reason to be.  Some of these reasons are:
  1. Insults;
  2. Disrespect;
  3. Theft;
  4. Sexual harassment;
  5. Falsehoods;
  6. Threats;
  7. Mockery;
  8. Betrayal;
  9. Displays of extreme ignorance;
  10. Ketchup on steak.
Your father is guilty of all of these.  Under normal circumstances, he would not have achieved adulthood in full possession of his teeth.

However, when someone is very rich, there are people who will apparently choose to overlook the offenses.  I say "apparently" because, in many cases, they will simply opt for a more subtle form of revenge.  I know this because I am Sicilian.  And we invented revenge.

What exactly were you expecting?  That all of your father's victims would just roll over and play dead?  A natural expectation, I suppose, given the embarrassing performance of his Cabinet recently.  Unfortunately for your father, though, there are more Americans than not who would rather see him on a one-way trip to the Sombrero Galaxy than in the White House.

Three million more, at last count.

I am guessing that we are to believe you are "the smart one" amongst the children of Trump (though my money's on Tiffany).  Given the field, it's not much of an accomplishment.  And you probably think you are doing wonderful things for the world.  

But I promise you, you are not.  You are simply putting a pretty face on an ugly situation.

Perhaps you believe that your father's behavior is normal.  But We the people - because we were raised right - are not accepting it as our new normal.  

We're dishing it right back at him.  And we will continue to do so until he takes his toys and goes home.

Because that's how you handle a bully.

Regards to Jared,


Monday, June 12, 2017

Across the Pond

Theresa May has caught my attention recently.  

I understand very little of the parliamentary system of government, but I have the distinct impression that she is behaving oddly.

Namely, she should be gone by now.  In a nice, polite, parliamentary-sort of way.

However, she is desperately trying to hang on to her position.  So desperate that she is trying to make a deal with the Devil Himself, the party of Ian Paisley.  And I might not know a lot about UK politics, but I do remember some things about that asshole.

In fact, she's acting a lot like...Donald Trump!  And what do Theresa May and Donald Trump have in common?  I mean, besides really, really bad hair?

They were both beneficiaries of election victories that should have never happened outside of an alternative universe.

Ah.  Brexit.

Coincidence?  You decide.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Let's Think About This

Dear American Christian Right,

I write to you because some of your offspring have chosen this beautiful day in June to hold "Anti-Sharia" demonstrations in cities across the country.

(What would Jesus do?  I'm pretty sure he would cringe.  Likewise, Thomas Jefferson.)

Now this is just a view from the cheap seats, but I have noticed several discrepancies in the rhetoric with which you seek to preserve "traditional American values".

We'll start with the Sharia law thing.  Personally, in spite of (or maybe because of) twelve years of rigorous religious schooling, I am perfectly content with the Constitution and would prefer not to have an additional set of rules and regulations telling me what to do.  But I understand that there are people who prefer otherwise, and so be it.  This is (more or less) a free country.

So, no, I don't want to live under Sharia law.  But I don't want to live under the American right-wing Christian version of it, either.  You know, the version that tells us who we can sleep with, what we can smoke, what kind of medical care women should be allowed to have, what bathrooms we can use, etc., in spite of the fact that the American right wing takes every opportunity they can to bemoan "Big Government".

I'm also perplexed by the Right to Life/Pro Death Penalty paradox.  And vice-versa.

However, what really flabbergasts me is this:  

How is it that American right-wing Christians are so fucking terrified of Muslims (even though we are in much more danger from our trigger-happy fellow Americans), but seem to have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with the Kremlin choosing our "elected" leaders for us?

Let's think about this.

And thank you for your consideration,


Friday, June 9, 2017

Sometime in the Very Near Future...

Dear Mr. Trump,

You have definitely put yourself between a rock and a hard place.

The Rock:  "James Comey better hope that there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!"

The Hard Place:  There are no "tapes".  

I know there are no "tapes".  You know there are no "tapes".  And "tapes"-gate is going to be like that little Obama "wire tapping" comedy, because you will point out that you used "quotation marks", so you can say anything you want and don't have to "worry" about it being taken "literally" by - oh, let's say - a "special counsel" during the course of an "independent investigation".

Now, or "...sometime in the very near future", you are going to have to 'fess up.  In public.  To a lot of people.  Most of whom will laugh.

Anyway, you will have to confess one of the following things:
  1. You just made that shit up.
  2. The voices (the ones that only you can hear) told you there were tapes, and the voices are never wrong.
  3. If Sean Spicer were doing a better job, you wouldn't have these problems.
Dude, here's a flash:  EVERYBODY knows there are no tapes.  But everybody is pretending that there might be tapes because everybody delights in ridiculing you.

I hope that clears things up.

Until then, Happy Golfing!


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

For the moment, let's set aside the fata morgana that you are all that and a bag of chips, too.  You do realize that if it hadn't been for James Comey, you wouldn't have won* the election, right?

Just asking.  It's hard to understand what goes on in the mind of someone who eats chocolate cake while bombing someone.

Looking forward to listening to those "tapes",


Monday, June 5, 2017

No Kidding


I knew it.

Oh, What the Hell

Dear Mr. Trump,

How can you criticize the mayor of London?  And solemnly swear (with a straight face) that you will do everything in your power to keep Americans safe, when you're doing your damnedest to make sure that every pissed-off hillbilly with an index finger has the constitutional right to buy an assault weapon?

Oh, what the hell.  Let's just make fun of the fat bastard:


Disquietingly yours,


Friday, June 2, 2017

Dear Congressman Nunes

Dear Congressman Nunes,

I think you need a nice long nap.

Your friend,


Our Inspired Leadership

Dear Congressman Walberg,

Last Friday, while speaking with some people unfortunate enough to be your constituents, you received some questions about your views on climate change.

To which you replied:

"I believe there's climate change.  I believe there's been climate change since the beginning of time.  Do I think man has some impact?  Yeah, of course.  Can man change the entire universe?   No.  Why do I believe that?  Well, as a Christian, I believe that there is a creator in God who is much bigger than us.  And I'm confident that, if there's a real problem, he can take care of it."

(How simple is that?  Who needs Congressmen?)

Well, Mr. Walberg, I'm confident, too!  I'm confident that:
  1. When you said "he", you meant just that.
  2. God probably thinks "he" already has taken care of it,
  3. Because "he" gave (some of) us brains.
  4. The plan is we're actually supposed to use them.
  5. You would do well to remember:  "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap,"
  6. And right now that's not looking too good.
  7. Almost every person who has ever voted for you now deeply regrets it.
Good luck with 2018!

Unbelievably yours,


While You Were Out...

As I've said before, whenever our questionably elected leader does something so appallingly stupid and/or loathsome that the news can be full of nothing else, it's a good idea to look around and see what more might be happening in Trumpsylvania.

As we all know by now, the United States has chosen to ally itself with the great intellects of the governments of Syria and Nicaragua on the subject of climate change.  

It doesn't get much more appallingly stupid or loathsome than that, though I hate to leave the challenge open to Mr. Trump and the other passengers in the White House clown car, because I'm sure they'll find a way to top it.

Here is a short list of  issues that surfaced while we were all gawking in disbelief yesterday:
  1. Mr. Trump's ethics waiver binge.
  2. The Nigel Farage Saga - starring Steve Bannon, sundry Russians, Brexit, Wikileaks...some good stuff here.  I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
  3. Jared Kushner's claim that Donald Trump thinks Republicans are stupid, which might indicate previously undetected brainwave activity in Donald's little orange head.
  4. A notable drop in business at Trump's golf courses. 
  5. Trump's fake Twitter followers.  Sad!
Now, if my spider sense is working correctly, I surmise that articles #1 and #2 are going to be be big news soon.  I'm also going to surmise that articles #4 and #5 are the only ones that really bother Mr. Trump.

Oh, and my spider sense is also telling me the the U.S. withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord has a LOT to do with the fact that Emmanuel Macron is younger, smarter, stronger (we've got that on video!), more sartorially elegant, better educated, more articulate, and MUCH better looking than Donald Trump.  Oh, and President Macron's wife seems to really like him a lot, too.

Just a guess. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

True Dat

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're right.  The world is laughing at us.  But what you can't seem to grasp (among so many other things) is it's because of you.

Say hi to Steve for me.  

Regretfully yours,


P.S.  Angela and Emmanuel lost your cell phone number.  Or so they say.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Dear President Cafone

Dear Mr. Trump,

How's that little vay-cay working out for you?  Here's what we know so far:
  1. Your wife can't stand you.
  2. Maybe because you're a rat bastard?
  3. Your son-in-law is even creepier than you are.
  4. Your suits don't fit.  Not even close.
  5. French people make fun of you.
  6. They didn't make fun of Obama.  Just sayin'.
  7. His Holiness thinks you're a jerk.  
  8. And when I first saw your ladies at the Vatican, I thought "Who died?"
  9. You really like Saudi Arabians. 
  10. Probably because they give you (and your creepy kids) money.
  11. And shiny things.
  12. World peace?  Fugeddaboudit.
So you're in Sicily now, are you? Let me give you a list of Sicilian words you're gonna hear.  A lot.  I don't know how they're spelled, but they sound like this:














They all pretty much mean the same thing.  Except for the last one.  But I think the word you're gonna hear the most is cafone.  Like, you are the EMBODIMENT of a cafone.  Take, for example, what you did to the Prime Minister of Montenegro.  Smooth move, James Bond.  The jacket flick was a nice touch. 

Seriously, chooch, in the Italian dictionary next to cafone is your picture.

Hope this helps,

Connie Staccato
Sicilian-American special corresdondent

(BTW, a special "grazi'!" to the American-Italian dictionary at

Monday, May 22, 2017

Dear Governor Christie

Dear Governor Christie,

Today I read the following quote, attributed to you, in reference to Mike Flynn:

"If I were president-elect of the United States, I wouldn't let General Flynn in the White House, let alone give him a job."

Tough talk from a jet-puffed marshmallow.  So answer me this, Big Boy.  If that's true, then how come you had no problem legitimizing and enabling the goofball who did?

Just asking, because I'm not sure you realize how annoying you are,


Just So You Know

The "leaks" are coming from the Grand Poobah himself: 

Donald J. Trump

This speculation is "largely based on an accumulation of data".  Namely, since this guy has been on my radar, I've never known him to be able to keep his big mouth shut.

And I'll bet he's loving every minute of it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Everybody Knows

I've come to the conclusion that President* Trump is at his scariest whenever he says, "Everybody knows."

Here is a partial list of what Mr. Trump thinks everybody knows:
  1. He calls his own shots.  (Who else would be this stupid?)
  2. "...largely based on an accumulation of data."  (I shudder to think.)
  3. His hair is real.  (That's a good thing?)
  4. As is He, Himself.  (Ditto.)
  5. The Russian 'story' is fake news.  (Not.)
  6. And there is no collusion.  (Speaking strictly for himself, of course - so he says - but still.  Not.)
  7. Everybody's against him.  (This worries me.)
  8. James Comey is a showboat, a grandstander, a real nut job.  And crazy.  ("I know you are, but what am I?")
  9. The system is rigged.  (Agreed.  But by whom?)
  10. He had the largest inauguration crowd, period.  (In spite of what you might have heard/seen/counted/cared about.)
  11. Jeb Bush is a wuss.  (Obviously.)
  12. Steve Harvey.
This is but a sampling.  There's much more.  Mr. Trump may not be in contact with the Russians, but he appears to be in constant contact with the little green people on his home planet.

Mr. Trump, I assure you there is one thing for sure that everybody knows:

You're toast.

Fill in the Blanks, Part 2

Donald Trump calling James Comey, "crazy" and a "real nut job" is like:

____________ calling ____________, " ____________ " and a " ____________ ".

I'm beginning to detect a pattern...


Saturday, May 13, 2017

Fill in the Blanks

Donald Trump calling James Comey a "showboat" and a "grandstander" is like:

____________ calling ____________ a "____________" and a "____________".

I've been trying for two whole days.  With a thesaurus.  And all I can think is, "Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black!"  Which means I'm in some sort of shock, or there just are no words.

You give it a go.  It's Saturday.  Buy a bottle of Stoli.  Invite some friends over.  See what you come up with.  The best entry will receive a certified letter from my lawyer saying that I don't have any business dealings with Russians, suitable for framing.

Better make that a bottle of Jack. 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Today, I was overjoyed to read that you have established a new commission:

The Presidential Commission on Election Integrity

Sounds BIG and bad.  And like you're still trying to convince yourself (and considerably more than half the country) that you really won the election.

"Presidential Commission on Election Integrity" is an oxymoron.  At best.  Coming from somebody who is desperately (and obviously) trying to keep the lid on Russia's role in handing you a "W" in 2016, I can assure you that you're just embarrassing yourself (again), something you seem to be incapable of perceiving. 

At worst I assume that the oh-so-critical voter fraud issue will just join the other smokescreens that your Congressional stooges seem so het-up about:
  1. Hillary's emails.
  2. Obama's "wiretapping" (note the quotes).
  3. White House leaks (it's Bannon, I already told you it's Bannon, he's a troublemaker).
  4. The Great Inauguration Crowd-Size Plot.
And those of us who watch congressional hearings (yes, we exist and we tend to vote), have to listen to those stooges drawl on (yeah, they're mostly Southerners) about these crucial issues, acting very tough and clever, while Russia decides what tie you're going to wear today.


Keep up the good work,


Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Nothing says, "I'm guilty" like firing the investigator.

At least that's the way it is in this solar system.

Just a "head's up",


Monday, May 8, 2017

Dear Sally Yates

Dear Sally Yates,

Please run for president.

Thank you,


The Secret Handshake

Dear Mr. Kushner,

I've finally figured out why you exist.

Aside from being Ivanka's husband (whatever possessed you to let her fly coach?) and the Office of American Innovation (remember that?) and bringing pops-in-law the occasional diet Coke (seems to me more of a "Tab" guy), it has never been immediately apparent - not to me, anyway - what exactly you do in the White House.

I know now.

As I eagerly away the testimony of Sally Yates to Congress, hoping to high heaven she's got an impeachable offence up her sleeve, I've been mulling over Mike Flynn.  And Mike Flynn and you.  And Mike Flynn and you and Ambassador Kislyak.  And Mike Flynn and you and Ambassador Kislyak and - what the hell - let's throw in your sister's antics in China over the past weekend.

Admittedly, I'm a cynical sort.  And I asked my cynical self:  "Why in God's name was Jared Kushner visiting a Russian ambassador with a creep like Mike Flynn?

And it just hit me:  You're Donald Trump's SECRET HANDSHAKE!

Here's how it works:  All you have to do is show up to any given gathering, and everyone knows that Daddy Warbucks in on board.  With whatever.  Most of it illegal and/or morally reprehensible.

And you can honestly say that you only discussed the weather or exchanged Pokemon cards.

Pretty clever.  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse, eh?  But if a little old underemployed lady in Chicago can figure it out, can the FBI be far behind?



Sunday, May 7, 2017

Thanks, Reince!

From USA Today:

"Priebus doubts states will choose to charge sicker people more."

Oh.  Okay.  I'll sleep like a baby tonight.

Thanks, Reince!

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Dear Wisconsin

Dear Wisconsin,

The Look of Love

Please keep this in mind.

Your friend and neighbor,


Friday, May 5, 2017

I'm Sure There's a Very Good Reason for This

Dear United States Senate,

But for the life of me I can't think of what it might be.

From The Hill:

"None of the 13 senators working on an ObamaCare repeal plan in the Senate are women."


Apparently you're relying on one of two things:
  1. Women will forget what total dickheads you are and go brain-dead as soon as they enter a voting booth.
  2. You'll be senile, dead, or so fucking rich you won't care.
Here's hoping you are very, very wrong.



(the blogger formerly known as Underemployed)

Thursday, May 4, 2017


Dear Mr. Trump,

...and while we were all looking at something shiny (health care bill), you signed something euphemistically called, "The Executive Order on Promoting Free Speech and Religious Liberty"...

...which might possibly make it easier for employers with religious objections (and misogynists, and greedy bastards) not to include contraception coverage in their workers' health care plans... step closer to dystopia.

Regretfully yours,

(once known as Underemployed)

Reality Check

Dear Ivanka,

You actually think you work?

Just asking,


Monday, May 1, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm sorry that my previous letter was so cranky.  My cat's been sick and requires medication every twelve hours, the administration for which I need to be sober.

Let me try again:

Congratulations on surviving the Washington Swamp for one hundred whole days!  

And what a 100 Days it's been:
  1. Russians!
  2. Nazis!
  3. Beautiful women!
  4. Lies and deceits!
  5. Betrayals!
  6. Foreign agents!
  7. Spies!
  8. Bombs!
  9. Chocolate cake!
  10. Golf!
Thank you for making my life a James Bond movie, if only vicariously (I hope).  SO much more exciting than that old-maid-in-pants Obama!

I think I'll go lie down now,


Saturday, April 29, 2017

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."


What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:
  1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
  2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
  3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
  4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
  5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
  6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
  7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
  8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
  9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
  10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
  11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
  12. Jeff Sessions.
(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,



Monday, April 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

"Nobody has a sense of humor anymore," you recently bemoaned to a television interviewer when your witty remarks about Hawaii (see previous post, "Aloha!") seemed to fall flat.

You may be right.  But have you considered that you are the reason for this?

In the meantime, to get America laughing again:

And my proposed entries into this year's competition:



Friday, April 21, 2017

Dear Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin,

Please go back to Alaska and keep an eye on Russia for us, okay?

Thank you,


P.S.  I'd like to go back in time to before you bought that shirt.

Thursday, April 20, 2017


Aloha, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!

Greetings from an island in the Pacific!  You know, that one island...or maybe there's more than one...sort of like neighborhoods or counties or districts or something, yeah, that's it...Hawaii!  Home of beautiful beaches, a big-ass telescope, volcanoes, a Polynesian cultural heritage, Maui Wowie (good stuff that good people don't smoke), and - yes! - actual federal judges.  With all the actual federal powers that other federal judges have.

Amazing, no?  So you say.

And so are we, equally amazed that even wonky-eared little toads named Beauregard born in boondock (from the Tagalog, meaning "backwater hell-hole") Alabama can wield power in this great (or will-be great, once your bloated bromance gets back from Palm Beach) country.  

Dude, it's called democracy.  You're the Attorney-fucking-General.  You shouldn't have to Google that. 

With one sentence you kicked us out of the United States without so much as a referendum.  Not that all of us mind, given who's president.  The Hawaiian sovereignty movement is particularly pleased.

Are you still holding Barack Obama against us?  Tiny Bubbles?  (We're sort of with you there.)  Or, maybe, given the situation in North Korea, you're trying to move the U.S. border a few thousand miles to the east? 

Whatever.  We still love you, Jeffy.  And if you ever come, we'll be happy to take your money and laugh at your Speedo.

Your 50th state,


Thursday, April 13, 2017

Sure About That?

"I'm not the darkness..."

 (BTW, that under-the-chin liposuction thing?  Not good.)

Friday, April 7, 2017

Do It

Dear Mr. Trump,

If you get rid of Bannon and Priebus, that might - possibly - jump start my breathing.

Unwillingly yours,


Sunday, April 2, 2017

Picture This

Reality check:

Okay, so imagine that you are a Russian media network.  And you decide to have a party...

"Let's have a party!"
"Hella yeah!"
"And let's invite Vladimir!"
"OF COURSE!!  It's not a party without Vladimir."
"What kind of entertainment shall we have?"
"SPEAKERS!  Let's have speakers.  I love speakers!"
"Good idea!  Now who shall we invite to speak?"
"How about an American general?"
"And we can give him money!  Lots of money.  And vodka.  And he can sit next to Vladi."
"Brilliant!  How 'bout that one old geezer who can't stop blinking...whatshisname..."
"Flynn!  Dude, I'm down.  It's gonna rock."

Can you picture it?  Right.  

Me neither.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Monday, March 27, 2017

Dear President Kushner

Dear President Kushner,

How's Dad?

Not so good, huh?

I'm willing to bet that you came back from your ski trip (powder?  Hope there was powder!) to find your President-in-law alternating between towering tantrum and catatonia.  "Uh-oh," I'm sure you said to yourself.  "Something must be done here.  Good thing the President has such a bright son-in-law who's more than willing to step up to the plate as Leader of the Free World."  And - voila! - the White House Office of American Innovation (WHOAi) was born.

So easy.  Why haven't any of those stupid old codgers in Washington thought of this before?  I'm looking forward to your inspiring leadership.  And Ivanka's, because I - for one - have pretty much figured out what the future looks like:  discount mid-price designer.  

So, what exactly is this new office?  According to my research, it is:
  1. A "SWAT team of strategic consultants"; and
  2. An "incubator of sleek transformation".
Sounds like fun!  I hear that you're "proud" of the fact that this group of wunderkind has "little or no experience" in anything like government.  Hey, fuck the last 241 years!

And here's the first thing on your schedule: a "reimagining" of the Veteran's Administration.  Starting with that pesky opioid addiction epidemic.  Since you have Jeff Sessions looking over your shoulder, you probably won't do anything as innovative or strategic or sleek as just letting the poor bastards have some weed.  OMG, no!  You're going create an official "drug commission", headed by none other than that living embodiment of innovation, strategy, and sleek:  Chris Christie!  Governor Meatloaf.  You guys are old friends, right?

I'm feeling more optimistic already.  Or something like that.

For the record, we didn't vote for you either.  Apparently, it's the new normal.

Longanimously yours,


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Chancellor Merkel

Dear Chancellor Merkel,

Please allow me to apologize for the lack of civility afforded you by our (questionably) elected-leader.  

I'm sure you were bewildered, as were we all, but after conducting a little research, I have managed to make some sense of the whole fiasco:
  1. You were supposed to come on a Monday.
  2. Unfortunately, there was a big snowstorm.
  3. So you rescheduled your visit.
  4. And came on a Friday instead.
  5. Delaying Mr. Trump's departure to Mar-A-Lago.
So he was a little cranky.  He gets like that if he's away from Mar-a-Lago for too long, the reasons for which are still open to speculation. 

It was more than a little uncomfortable for you, coming all that way and being treated like a Venezuelan beauty pageant winner.  Still, you were a lady and a scholar, and my admiration for you knows no bounds.

And please don't worry about the bill.  I understand the Freedom Caucus is planning to take care of it.

Your fan,


Timing Is Everything

Dear Mr. Trump,

Good move.  I'm guessing this isn't the best time to have a surrogate named "Boris".



Dear Maureen Dowd

Dear Maureen,

Thank you for writing this:

You've said it all.  And so much better than I ever could.

Gratefully yours,


P.S.  I had to look up "Manichaean".  What an adjective!  You are now, officially, the person I want to be when I grow up.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Dear France

Dear France,

Regarding Ms. Le Pen:  I've seen this movie before.  I know how it ends.

Faites attention!


Thursday, March 23, 2017

I Can't Let Go

Dear Mr. Pence,

Regarding my previous post ("Dear Mr. Pence"), I need a reality check.

Given that:
  1. All of the people in that photograph are men.
  2. And elected officials.
  3. And highly educated (in theory),
  4. And, on average, at least 50% of their constituents are women,
  5. Who (also, in theory), vote... expect me to believe that not one of those guys looked around that room and was prompted to say, "Dudes, I'm pretty sure none of us know what the fuck we're talking about."


It's not that I just disagree.  It's that I cannot, for the life of me, imagine the kind of mental processes going on in your quasi-Christianity-addled cranium.  When I try to imagine them, all I come up with are alien life forms.  And the Salem witch trials.

And now your puffy orange boss is threatening to take his toys and go home.  Tell the truck drivers to be sure to lock the doors and take their keys.

Appallingly yours,



Dear Mr. Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

What is wrong with this picture?  If you answered, "Not one of those people know jack-shit about anything remotely connected with maternity," you would be right.

And I wouldn't be questioning your:
  1. Intelligence.
  2. Sanity.
  3. Morals.
  4. Residence status in the 21st century,
  5. And/or on Earth. 
Screw you.  And everybody else in that room.


(Female, Mother)

Monday, March 20, 2017

Friday, March 17, 2017

Dear Pope Francis

Dear Pope Francis,

I just came across the following headline:

"Pope Tells Priests to Call in Exorcists When Needed"

I think the need is evident.

Can you lend us a priest?  And is there a group rate?

Yours in Christ,


Thursday, March 16, 2017

Dear Representative King

Dear Representative King,

May I quote you?

"My colleagues have generally been coming by and patting me on the back.  And a surprising number have said that they pray for me.  And, meaning they support me and they agree with me, a surprising number."

Or, meaning they think you're going to Hell. 

I wouldn't be surprised.

Unfortunately yours,


P.S.  Your nose looks like somebody's butt.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Dear Mr. Trump,

Every time I think that life under your inspired leadership can't get any weirder, it does.  Especially curious, and often disturbingly so, is your circle of confidants. A few of them would probably pass a psych eval, but I'm pretty sure that if I had to spend five minutes in a room with Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and/or Kellyanne Conway, I could probably be persuaded to buy a one-way ticket to Mars.

I will now add Roger Stone to the list, the latest lunatic to emerge from your ever-increasing shadows.  I just can't keep up with all of these people, try as I might.  Much as I wish I didn't have to.

So, yeah, Roger.  Actually he's been on and off the scene for some time now.  A very snappy dresser, I'm told.  Doesn't wear socks, which disturbed Nancy Reagan, but hey! Einstein didn't wear socks either.  That's not enough to put him on my "whoa! wtf?" list. 

But this stuff is:
  1. He talks to you more often than I talk to my children.
  2. He exchanges tweets with Russian hackers.
  3. He once said, "One man's dirty trick is another man's civic participation."
  4. He thinks that someone is trying to bump him off,
  5. Because he thinks he was the victim of polonium 210 poisoning,
  6. And then - yesterday - an attempt at vehicular homicide.
  7. Because...why?
  8. who?  The Russians?  You?
  9. To quote Ted Cruz (God help me, I'm quoting Ted Cruz):  "He's a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent."
  10. But the best reason - and I saw a picture of this, which may finally drive me into therapy - he has a picture of Richard Nixon tattooed on his back.

I think I'm done.  Good Lord, I hope so.  As I've said before, as soon as you start acting goofy, and I believe your "wiretapping" accusations qualify as goofy, one should check out what else is happening in your arena.

(By the way, you didn't use quotation marks in all of those tweets.  Go back and check.)

And if you see Rachel Maddow, tell her to calm down.

Very truly yours,


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

When in the Course of human events,

Dear America,

Isn't it about time we stopped pretending, and admitted that our maybe (or maybe not, pending investigation) duly-elected president is just straight-up crazy?



Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Dear Mr. Assange

Dear Mr. Assange,

I wrote a poem for you:

There once was a man named Assange
Who was more than a little bit strange
He publishes leaks
And havoc he wreaks
Trump's taxes seem out of his range.

*Extra syllable.  Sorry.

In other words, darling:  I don't give a rat's ass about WikiLeaks' latest batch.  Frankly, we've got bigger problems right now.

Grow some cojones and publish the tax returns already.

Expectantly yours,


P.S.  If you rearrange the letters of your name, it reads:  "NASA is a jungle".  Coincidence?  Something's going on!

P.P.S.  It also reads:  "Glue a ninja ass".  Something still going on. Sad!

Sunday, March 5, 2017

I Get It!

Dear Mr. Trump,

I get it!  It's not Obama you want to vilify; it's the FBI!  (Thank you, Mr. Comey, for clearing that up.)

So, I'm guessing that the FBI is going to have some very interesting information for us, very soon.  Which, of course, will be suspect information (of course) because the FBI are Nazis, Nixons, McCarthyists, and don't like kittens.  And then there's the fake news (i.e, news not published by Breitbart), dishonest media, bad-sport Democrats, etc., etc...

Can't wait!

Got my radar on,


All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power,

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.




Friday, March 3, 2017

One More Time

Dear Mr. Sessions,

Let me try this again.  Because I think you're missing the point here.

Actually, I think a lot of people are missing the point here.  Did you meet with Ambassador Kislyak?  


Is it important?  Possibly.

But I don't care if you were swapping middle names or you were getting his grandmother's recipe for blini.  That's another discussion for another time.

What IS important is that you lied.  Under oath.  On video, on record.  We need a committee to figure this out?  

And heeding Donald Trump's opinion of you is like heeding a pyromaniac's opinion of an arsonist.

Just sayin',


Thursday, March 2, 2017

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

To save everybody a lot of time, money, and a deluge of Wolf Blitzer's droning voice, I am appointing myself Special Prosecutor of your case.

Here is the accusation:
  1. At your confirmation hearing, Senator Franken asked you a question.
  2. You lied,
  3. And you knew it.
  4. Under oath,
  5. At you own freaking confirmation hearing.
Here is the evidence against you:

Just to be clear, here - according to the Oxford English dictionary - is the definition of perjury:  

"The offence of wilfully telling an untruth or making a misrepresentation under oath."

Here is the definition of untruth:  

"A lie or false statement (often used euphemistically)".

Here is the definition of false:   

"Not according with truth or fact; incorrect." 

Here is the definition of lie (noun):
"An intentionally false statement."

And here is the definition of lie (verb)

 Tell a lie or lies."

With me so far?


Anything to say in your defense?  That doesn't make you sound like a ten-year-old who didn't do his homework?

I didn't think so. 

Now please go away.



I Did Not See This Coming

Dear Mr. Trump,

Jeff Sessions!  Jeff Sessions?!?

Mr. President, I think I see some clouds on the horizon...

Quick!  Legalize marijuana and socialize medicine!  Oh, and send Elizabeth Warren some flowers.  All will be forgiven.

Believe me,



Monday, February 27, 2017

Who Knew?

"Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated." - President Donald J. Trump

Yeah.  We did.

I think it's an IQ thing.

What Were You Thinking?

Dear Mr. Trump,

What?!  Really?????

Tell me you did NOT schedule the Governors Ball on the same night as the Oscars!  I can't believe my eyes, my ears, and the fake news!  What possessed you?  (Let me guess:  Steve Bannon.)

I knew you were a bully.  That's part of what some people (mainly those who need to repeat high school) consider to be your charm.  Sure escapes me, but then I am neither pathetically gullible nor pathologically masochistic.  (I love you for other reasons, like you're writing my next book for me.)

But this brings bullying into a whole new (Oscar award winning?) category:  Entertainment Bullying.

You tweeted that 46 governors attended.  "A record number", you said, and since I have no way of fact-checking that, I will assume it's about as accurate as your crowd-size estimates.  I will also assume that these governors attended with their spouses.  And I will further assume that the following conversations took place in many-a-governor's home:

"Honey, we have to go to the president's Governors Ball."
"I'd rather have chemo."
"It's on the same night as the Oscars."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"We can dance the night away with the whole Trump family."
"I'm calling a lawyer."

Sucks to be a governor these days.  

Actually, sucks to be anyone.

Looking forward to your congressional address,


Sunday, February 26, 2017

Found the Leak!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Maybe you'd better sit down for this.

It's your homeboy Steve Bannon!  I didn't so much "find" it as figured it out.  

Why, you may ask yourself, would my BFF Stevie be leaking all this terrible (fake?) news about me?  Well, you pride yourself on being a simple man (so true!), and in keeping with that, the answer is also simple.

This is how it works:
  1. Mr. Bannon leaks something awful about you to the (very dishonest) press.
  2. Then you go all bat-shit crazy and say something - how should I put this? - stupid.
  3. And while everybody is laughing and/or being terrified...
  4. ...Mr. Bannon quietly does something to further his doomsday agenda,
  5. Which nobody notices.
Personally, whenever you start acting...hmmmm...questionable, I google Steve Bannon.  

Try it!  It works.  

That guy should be doing shell games on the subway.  Missed his calling.

On the ball,


Friday, February 24, 2017

Party On, Darth

Dear Mr. Trump,

Great party, dude!  Now we finally have a precedent, finally! 

Or at least that's what it looked like from this side of the fake news media's glowing reports.  "Disneyland for conservatives" is how one happy camper put it, though a lot of you sounded like you'd been on the Mad Tea Cups for a few too many spins. 

Experiencing some major FoMO here.  Who knew the Conservative Political Action Conference, something I had been (blissfully) unaware of all my life, would be such a blast?  This party had everything:  plenty of booze (apparently), a plethora of non-creative fiction, Russian flags, art therapy (?)(!), groovy young people wearing "Socialism Sucks" t-shirts...

...and a bromance between Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus that was so darn hot that I'm thinking you might want to ask them which bathroom they want to use.

Io Saturnalia!

Believe me, I couldn't stop combing the Internet for juicy details.  That is, until I came across a video of a some dude with a truly terrifying hair transplant telling everybody how much fun you really are.

As if we couldn't guess.

Then there was Kellyanne (you know...that one girl...), at her best, charming the crowd with her cleverness ("TPAC" - too cute!) and laying it out once and for all that she is not a feminist.  At least not in the "classic sense", something that is confusing to people who own dictionaries.  But my son told me that he saw a video of her punching out some guy at the inauguration (I bet he said something about your dress, Kellyanne.  Did that bastard tell you he didn't like your dress?  Honey, nobody liked that dress), so I'll give her a pass.

This time.

Keep on partying like it's 1699,