Saturday, December 30, 2017

Great Idea

Dear Mr. Trump,

I've got a great idea.  Why not host a golf outing for North Korea?  

I'm sure Kim wouldn't mind a little Florida sunshine, and you two could duke out your differences on the golf course.  Hell, he might even defect!

If it works, you'll never have to haul your sorry ass away from Mar-a-Lago again.

Think about it,

Underemployed 


Border Wall

Can we build one around Mar-a-Lago? 

Fast?

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It took a while, but I finally figured out your strategy on climate change:  you're simply going to steal enough money from American taxpayers to buy your grandchildren a new planet to live on.

Either that, or you're just a huge dickhead.

Warm wishes,

Underemployed




Dear Devin Nunes

Dear Representative Nunes,

Which is it?
  1. You are being paid.
  2. You are being blackmailed.
  3. You are just plain stupid and/or crazy.
Just wondering,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I think you should take some time and consider why it is that your annual physical examination should be headline news.

If you come up empty, let me know, and I promise to be tactful.

Perceptively yours,

Underemployed


Sunday, December 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Ebenezer Trump,

Dude, lighten up.  It's Christmas, for crying out loud!  And you're the "Merry Christmas" guy, right? 

So walk the walk.

Joyfully,

Underemployed

P.S.  Spoiler alert:  No one ever stopped saying Merry Christmas.  No matter what Steve Bannon told you.


Friday, December 22, 2017

Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mike Pence,

You looked like a real badass in your Afghanistan photo op the other day.  Unfortunately, it's not based on anything genuine.  Bet you gave Mother a thrill, though.

Dismissively yours,

Underemployed


Dear Reince Priebus

Dear Mr. Priebus,

Welcome back.  We missed your obsequiousness at the last Cabinet meeting.

Expectantly yours,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I don't think you quite understand this whole Special Counsel/FBI "prosecutorial bias" thing.

I know those are big, fancy words, but I think I can give you some insight into the situation. Apparently, your family/friends/staff have not yet done so, probably for the following reasons:
  1. They would be forced to acknowledge their own dismal unpopularity with...um...well, everybody.
  2. They're afraid you'll stop giving them money.
  3. They're really not very bright.
Here's the real deal: 

The truth is, if one were to sample ANY random group of human beings on this planet - possibly including your immediate family - one would find a remarkably high percentage of people who find you contemptible.

And that's because you are.

Veraciously yours,

Underemployed


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Begging Your Pardon

Dear Mr. Trump,

So your gang of castrati orchestrates a smear campaign against the Special Counsel and the FBI, paving the way for you to pardon all the poor innocents being abused by those mean old Hillary-loving bastards. 

I mean, what other choice do you have?  That's what everybody* says.

And your henchmen don't feel the need to "flip" and you don't have to fire Robert Mueller.  Do I have that right?

Just wondering,

Underemployed

*nobody


Monday, December 18, 2017

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Dear Doug Jones

Dear Senator Jones,

First of all, congratulations on your election.  Secondly, sexual abuse is a real issue facing the people of this country.

Just so you know,

Underemployed


Saturday, December 16, 2017

Banned Words

Dear Mr. Trump,

Did you ever see the movie, "Pee-wee's  Big Adventure"?  In the movie, there's a character named Andy (who sort of reminds me of you, but hairier and better dressed), of whom it is said, "He flunked French in high school and now he thinks everybody over there is out to make him look dumb."

Which pretty much sums up your attitude towards science.

Apparently, you and your clown car of senior advisors don't seem to understand how science works.  I promise you, science does not operate "in consideration with community standards and wishes". 

Thank God.  Galileo, for one, was notorious for not considering community standards and wishes.  Besides, it might actually come back to bite you on the butt, if the "community" in question has smart people in residence.  Or Druids.

But whatever your lack of education and/or common sense betrays, I am particularly concerned today with your (erroneous, I hope) idea that you have the power to ban words from the English language.

And the choice of words you are trying to ban makes me (to quote an American patriot) mildly nauseous. 

So - in retaliation - I hereby declare that, in the future, the following words be banned from any and all of your communications:
  1. neutality
  2. bigly
  3. crooked
  4. fake
  5. witch
  6. hunt
  7. Steve
  8. pussy
  9. covfefe
  10. JaredIvankaDonaldJrEric
I can think of more, but ten is a nice, round number and probably the limit of your attention span.

Well, at least we know what your phone call with Vladimir was all about.

Vulnerably yours,

Underemployed




Friday, December 15, 2017

Silly Me

Trump isn't going to do anything too stupid (on the Trump scale) until he gets the Jared Kushner Rescue Fund and Tax Bill passed.

So Omarosa is really the smokescreen for the tax bill swindle.  My mistake (see previous post, I Hope). 

Mueller's got another week.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

I Hope

I hope - I sincerely hope - that Mr. Trump is not going to use all this drama with Omarosa as a smokescreen for firing Robert Mueller.

If I were a cynical person, I might speculate it was concocted for that very purpose...


Dear not-Senator Moore

Dear Mr. Moore,

You need to calm down.  Maybe your friend Steve will take you out for a drive.  And maybe he could take you somewhere to talk to some very nice people who will really, really understand what you're going through right now.

Or maybe you could have a whiskey - I don't think God hates whiskey - and a bit of a lie-down.  And try not to think about sodomy.  It only upsets you.

Maybe a cruise?  Somewhere far, far away?

Just a thought,

Underemployed


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Dear Roy Moore

Dear not-Senator Moore,

Just when I think you couldn't be a dumber son-of-a-bitch, you still have the ability to surprise me.  Screw you, and the horse you rode in on.

Go away,

Underemployed

P.S.  And take Steve Bannon with you.


The People of Alabama Have Spoken

And changed the world.

Thank you.

(And a special thank you to Lee Busby.  You made a difference.  I'll hold your beer anytime.)


Dear Jay Sekulow, Esq.

Dear Mr. Sekulow,

THAT, my dear, is one spectacularly bad rug.

Wow,

Underemployed


Dear America

Dear America,

"Lightweight Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, a total flunky for Chuck Schumer and someone who would come to my office 'begging' for campaign contributions not so long ago (and would do anything for them), is now in the ring fighting against Trump.  Very disloyal to Bill & Crooked-USED!"

We're trusting this guy to handle North Korea?

Seriously?

Think about it,

Underemployed


Poetic Justice

Dear Senator Gillibrand,

Thank you.  He's going down. 

We can do it.

Your sister,

Underemployed

P.S.  And thank you for removing any lingering fears I had about Ivanka Trump being the first woman President of the United States.  Now I can concentrate on my lingering fears involving global warming.


Dear Kayla Moore

Dear Mrs. Moore,

Thank you for using "fellowship" as a verb.  It explains so very much.  How's that Biblical Patriarchy working out for you?

By the way, do you know that you look like your husband in drag?

Observantly yours,

Underemployed


Dear Lindsey Graham

Dear Lindsey Graham,

You're a cheap date.

Don't order the steak,

Underemployed


Sunday, December 10, 2017

Feel the Buzz

"Hold my beer, we will just see about that."


- Colonel Lee Busby, when he heard that the Republican party had given up on a write-in candidate for the Alabama senate election.

It is now my guiding principal for life.


Dear Lee Busby

Dear Colonel Busby,

I'm gonna ask St. Anthony to find you some VOTES!

You're the man,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent to Underemployed


Dear Richard Shelby

Dear Senator Shelby,

Thank you.

Your friend,

Underemployed


Saturday, December 9, 2017

The Movement to Ignore Trump

Finally, and after much consideration, I have figured out a way to get rid of Donald Trump:

Ignore him.

True, we might find it difficult to ignore a person who is insulting us, swindling us, destroying our futures, grabbing our pussies, and inviting someone to drop a nuclear bomb on our heads.  But, to be fair, I don't think many of these (except for the pussy-grabbing) are Trump's original ideas, and protesting him will do very little to solve our problems.  It would only serve to keep his name on the front page and ringing in our ears.

Which is exactly what he wants.

So let's not give it to him. 

I have a feeling that he would soon be off to greener and more publicity-fertile pastures, with the results of his physical exam (by a real doctor this time) in January providing a convenient escape.

In the meantime, I appreciate the difficulty of ignoring a large, orange, raging blob in one's face, and offer the following suggestions:
  1. Do not financially support his "brand".  That means no Trump hotels, golf courses, universities, vodka, steaks, wine, cow magnets, or MAGA hats.  I doubt many people would find this to be a hardship.
  2. Pay no attention to his children.  Oh, you weren't?  Okay, done.
  3. Turn off the television.  Get your news from newspapers and magazines.  I recommend Mad Magazine.  And maybe The Economist.
  4. Do not click on any Internet article with the word "Trump" in it.  The Internet keeps track of this stuff.  And will soon forget he exists.  You may, however, click on anything titled, "Trump Resigns".
  5. Do not attend protests, speeches, rallies, fundraisers.  If you do, put duct tape over your mouth, stand very still, and hum tonelessly.
  6. Feel free to ignore anybody even vaguely associated with Trump.  Personally, I would be delighted to ignore Nikki Haley. 
  7. Do not vote for anybody Trump endorses, though there's usually reason enough not to vote for these candidates, even without his endorsement.
  8. Say "Happy Holidays" to everybody.  Even your grandmother.  Do it all year round.
  9. Watch the NFL compulsively.  
  10. Do not even say Trump's name.  Like Lord Voldemort.  Which can be rearranged to read, "Old Troll Mover".  And Donald Trump can be rearranged to read, "Dolt Ran Dump".  Coincidence?  You decide.
Of course, this movement will only be successful if it's global. 

But I have faith.

(And by the way, hot shot, your approval rating is only around 38%.  No matter what your knot of toads are telling you.)  





Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Dear Al Green

Dear Representative Green,

You have my undivided attention.

Your friend,

Underemployed


Dear Robert Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

Go get 'em, Bob.

Thankfully yours,

Underemployed


Dear Susan Collins

Dear Senator Collins,

Nice try, but methinks that you and Senator Flake have been - how shall I say this...?

Hornswaggled.

As have we all.

Dispiritedly yours,

Underemployed




Saturday, December 2, 2017

Dear Blake Farenthold

Dear (soon to be ex-)Representative Farenthold,

Thank you for being yesterday's comic relief.  Actually, if I lived in your district you would be every day's comic relief (hello, duckie pajamas!  see previous post All Hat, No Cattle), although the taxpayers from whom you took $84,000 might not find you so funny.

$84,000!  That must have been a humdinger.  Why do Texans persist in thinking they're all cowboys?

At any rate, I'm sure Susan Collins will sleep better tonight knowing she will never face another challenge to a duel. 

God willing and the crick don't rise.

Happy trails,

Underemployed


Friday, December 1, 2017

Trump Tostado

Vaya con Dios.  It's just a matter of time...

Lock Him Up

Just sayin'.

And don't forget:  While you're watching the very shiny object of Michael Flynn pleading guilty to lying to the FBI, Mr. Trump and his friends will be taking advantage of the opportunity to pocket your future.


Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Birther Movement

I question Trump's birth certificate, too.

But my query is not about "where?" so much as "why?"


Monday, November 27, 2017

Dear Rand Paul

Dear Senator Paul,

I see you're planning to vote in favor of Mr. Trump's Personal Piggy Bank Tax Bill.  I tried to read your gracious and stirring rationale for this today, but my eyes kept glazing over and I was haunted by an image of Steve Bannon sending you an email expressing his willingness to tell everybody in the world the real deal about your neighbor problems.

So I stopped reading.  And decided to assume you're just another greedy shithead.

Get well soon,

Underemployed.


Fake President

Dear Mr. Trump,

What's this I hear?  That the infamous Access Hollywood tape is "not authentic"?

Now I know the word "authentic" has three syllables, and may be hard for you to use correctly in a sentence, but if by "not authentic" you mean "fake" (one syllable - you know - like The News), then you may have (at last!) overreached your (considerable) ability to bamboozle morons.

What happened to, "I said it.  I was wrong.  And I apologize."  Was that fake, too?  And don't tell me you felt pressured and/or intimidated.  If you do, nobody will let you play with your friend Kim anymore.  

Tell me, maybe, that Melania is a double-agent and that every day she feeds you a quarter tab of LSD in your Diet Coke.  I would not immediately dismiss the possibility.  At least, it wouldn't insult my intelligence.

Dude.  We have a VIDEO of you OWNING the Access Hollywood tape.  I mean, even the dumbest, the ones who couldn't identify 1984 in a lineup, the most flat-lining, brain-dead, gun-totin', bible-thumpin' members of your "base", have got to be scratching their heads and going, "Huh?"

Think about it. Which one should we believe? If we believe that both the tape AND the video are fake, then how much else of you is fake?  (Well, your hair and your tan, obviously.)  But what if every single thing you've ever said and done is fake?  How would we know?  Because you tell us?  How would we know that's not fake, too?  

Fake News about a Fake President.  It would explain your lack of significant accomplishments.

Along with all the goofy shit you do.

Unbelievably yours,

Underemployed


Saturday, November 25, 2017

I Get It

If he's busy golfing and tweeting, then he's out of everybody's hair.  Melania figured this out ages ago.

I wonder if he's figured it out.



Monday, November 20, 2017

Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Speaker Ryan,

I don't get you.

True, I am a FIB ("fucking Illinois bitch") and you are a Cheesehead (Wisconsin idiot), so it's not surprising that we don't understand each other.  And I hope my readers appreciate the lesson on Midwest culture wars here.

But as far as I can tell by the loopy, enthralled looks you plaster upon your puffy orange bromance, I think you must be:
  1. Simple-minded, or on some really heavy meds.
  2. Sincerely enamored of this guy.
  3. Afraid Steve Bannon is going to "out" your Hello Kitty collection.
I'm going to choose "All of the above".

Because.  Cheesehead.

Greetings from Illinois,

Underemployed


Saturday, November 18, 2017

Dear Franklin Raddish

Dear Pastor Raddish,

"More women are sexual predators are men." and "Women are chasing young boys up and down the road..."? 

In your very kinky dreams, Pastor.  And I'll bet candidate-for-Senator-from-Alabama Moore really appreciates your support.

Well.  What can I say?  Your name is Franklin Raddish.

Never mind,

Underemployed



Friday, November 17, 2017

Dear Mitch McConnell

This just in, from CNN:

"McConnell to Spell Out Alabama Options for Trump"


Dear Mr. McConnell,

Use short, easy-to-understand sentences.  And no big words.

Good luck,

Underemployed



Dear Kayla Moore

Dear Mrs. Moore,

I hear you think Trump owes you and Roy-boy "...a thank you.  Have you noticed you are not hearing too much about Russia?"

Well, no, I haven't noticed that.  As fascinating as you are, you haven't quite occupied all the real estate in my brain yet.  The "Women for Moore" rally today was a bold attempt, though.  I read that literally dozens of women showed up.  Besides your sisters, cousins, neighbors, bible study class, and manicurist, of course.  

But as far as the Russia investigation goes, the latest developments are pretty riveting, especially with some testimony from Rob Goldstone (Russian colluder and Chris Christie clone extraordinaire, currently in an undisclosed location in Bangkok) on the horizon. 

And far from thanking you and the love-of-your-life, I'm going to venture a guess that His Orangeness would pretty much like to forget that the two of you exist.

If only,

Underemployed

P.S.  Don't wear sleeveless dresses.




Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Dear Sean Hannity

Dear Mr. Hannity,

I hear that your fans are smashing their Keurigs.  This worries me because, besides being stupid, they are now caffeine-deprived.

I also hear that Volvo has pulled their sponsorship of your show.  Somehow, I don't think I need to worry about your fans smashing their Volvos.

Good luck with all that,

Underemployed



Sunday, November 12, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I know I called you "old" (which is true), but I didn't call you "fat" (which is also true).  But because you are an ignorant, ill-mannered barbarian, you had to go ahead and fat-shame me.  

You could have left it at "short".  But no.

I've got the high road on this one.

Your most bitter and long-suffering enemy,

Kim Jong-un
Chairman of the Workers' Party of Korea
Party Central Committee
Superior Person
Dear Leader
Respected Leader
Wise Leader
Brilliant Leader
Unique Leader  
Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have  (my favorite!)
Commander in Chief
Great Leader
Father of the People
Sun of the Communist Future
Shining Star of Paektu Mountain
Guiding Sun Ray
Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces
Guarantee of the Fatherland's Unification
Symbol of the Fatherland's Unification
Fate of the Nation
Beloved Father
Leader of the Party, the Country, and the Army
Leader
General
Great Leader of our Party and our Nation
Great General
Beloved and Respected Leader
Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander
Sun of Socialism
Sun of the Nation
The Great Sun of Life
Great Sun of the Nation
Father of the Nation
World Leader of the 21st Century
Peerless Leader
Bright Sun of the 21st Century
Great Sun of the 21st Century
Leader of the 21st Century
Amazing Politician  (my 2nd favorite!)
Great Man, Who Descended from Heaven
Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven
Supreme Leader of the Nation
Bright Sun of Juche  (where's that?)
Leader of the Party and the People
Great Marshall
Invincible and Triumphant General
Dear Father
Guiding Star of the 21st Century
Great Man, Who Is a Man of Deeds
Great Defender
Savior  (I know. It's been done.)
Mastermind of the Revolution
Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship
His Excellency
Eternal General Secretary of the Party
Best Dancer Ever

P.S.  You see all my titles, you pathetic little orange booger?  Trust me, I do not need to lose weight.






Saturday, November 4, 2017

I'm Sorry

I woke up this morning to find that a journalist from the LA Times had come out and apologized for what he wrote about Sarah Huckabee Sanders in his column.  "A slightly chunky soccer mom" was the offending description. 

"Dressed for junior prom," I would have added. 

And that's just what kind of bad person I am.

However, I have seen the light. 

"Sexist trash!" cried one outraged comment to the article, and it cut me to the quick.  I am guilty.  Terribly, terribly guilty of cruel and disparaging discourse on the physical attributes - or lack thereof - (See?  There I go again.  Bad girl.) of the subjects of my writings.

I'm sorry.  

And to show the sincerity of my atonement, I am going to confess to each and every one of my many crimes, so I might humbly beg the forgiveness of those I intended to wound:

I'm sorry, Kevin Brady, for thinking you look like Don Rickles, but without the funny.

I'm sorry, Steve Miller, for implying that you look remind me of Lurch.

I'm sorry, Donald Junior, for naming you Weasel McWeaselface (I haven't yet, but it's a good idea), and for suggesting that your head needs a chin.

I'm sorry, Kellyanne Conway, for mentioning your facelift, laughing at your inauguration dress, and pointing out your resemblance to Bill the Cat.

I'm sorry, Mike Pence, for noting the similarity between your head and a sugar cube skull from a Day of the Dead party, for mentioning your overall appearance of being made of PVC, and for relating the way you express yourself to an LSD flashback.

I'm sorry, Ivanka, for mistaking you for a blonde Kardashian, for insinuating that excessive exposure to bleach and blow dryers might cause brain damage, for bemoaning a future of mid-price designer, and for speculating that you and Melania are part of an attack of "fake fashion news".  For the record, I think you're just stupid.

I'm sorry, Jeff Sessions, for calling you a "wonky-eared little toad" and wondering about your association with Keebler Elves.

I'm sorry, Kid Rock, for drawing attention to the fact that you look like everybody's creepy uncle.

I'm sorry, Eric, for writing that you (like your brother) look like a weasel.  It was an unforgiveable lack of creativity on my part.

I'm sorry, Blake Farenthold, for talking about your largeness.  Please understand, it was only in reference to your viability as a target for Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, and Shelley Moore Capito.

I'm sorry, Anthony Scaramucci, for saying you dress like an undertaker and talk like My Cousin Vinny.

I'm sorry, Steve Bannon for referring to you as a bloated, warty toad, and assuming you don't bathe very often.

I'm sorry, Theresa May, for making fun of your hair.  Americans do not have the high ground on this.

I'm sorry, Chris Christie, for drawing the analogy between you and a jet-puffed marshmallow, chistening you "Governor Meatloaf", and waxing nostalgic about your resemblance to "Big Boy". 

I'm sorry, Sarah Palin, for...well, I'm just sorry.

I'm sorry, Representative Steve King, for writing that your nose looks like somebody's butt.

I'm sorry, Mitch McConnell, for repeating a joke which hypothesized that your parentage involved Klingons and turkeys.

I'm sorry, Hillary, that I made fun of your wardrobe.  On several occasions.

I'm sorry, Rand Paul, for reviling your man-perm.

I'm sorry, Scott Walker for speculating that some of your hair transplant had defected to Megyn Kelly's eyelids.

I'm sorry, Megyn Kelly, for theorizing that your eyelids were wearing bits of Scott Walker's hair transplant.

I'm sorry, Donald Trump, for every time I said orange, puffy, old, Circus Peanut, Circus Boy, orange, goofy hair, tiny hands, orange, cheese ball, yam man, gagootz, short and stubby, orange, Cheeto, and asshole, in reference to you.

And I apologize for calling people "dickheads".  Which is certainly not a gender-neutral term.

Now I ask your absolution.  I have been immature and undignified.  I have been ignorant and petty.  I have been vile and nasty.  I freely admit to all of this.

But, at least I'm not lying.



Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Dear Donald Trump, Jr.

Dear Donald Trump, Jr.,

Please be quiet before Mr. Mueller indicts your father for conceiving you.

Sincerely,

Underemployed



Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Memo

TO:  Donald Trump

FROM:  The Voice of Reason

DATE:  Better Late than Never

RE:  Extreme Vetting


Why don't you start with your staff?



Monday, October 30, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump (et al),

I think it's over.  Only the formalities remain.

Please do the right thing and just humbly resign, thereby (perhaps) sparing your children what's inevitably coming their way. 

On the other hand, I'm sort of hoping you try to worm your way out of all this, just for the entertainment value.   

But, please.  Don't underestimate how much the American people want you to stop being president.

Or start, for that matter.  Something you never really did.  And poor Kellyanne got that facelift all for nothing.

Ciao,

Underemployed



Man on a Wire

In my happy wallowing today, which included much obsessive viewing of cable news shows, I came across this priceless bit of speculation: 

George Papadopoulos has been wearing a wire for the past three months.

Let that sink in:  Three months in the Trump White House, wearing a wire.  When this guy gets out of jail, he's going to have a hella book deal.   

If this is true, and I hope the saints are listening, it would be like ChristmasMyBirthdayA16ozVodkaMartini all rolled into one.  

The party starts now.



Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Press Secretary Sanders,

I have to admire the bright pink dress.

The lying?  Not so much.

Hang in there,

Underemployed

P.S.  A chain letter?  Really?  We have government by chain letter?




The Canary

From my Sicilian-American son:

"Lets be clear here.

"Sicilians don't snitch. Ever. Not on pain of death. And certainly not to Boy Scout goody-two-shoes types with names like "Robert Mueller" who work for the feds. You know this.

"However, this doofus will sing like a canary...


(Fact check:  We are not absolutely sure that Paul Manafort is a Sicilian-American.  He actually may be more of a generic Italian-American.  In which case, anything could happen.)

"In any case, last I checked, there's no word for "omertà" in Greek."



First Impressions

I'm positively giddy.

With the precision of a master gemcutter, making the first cut on a very large and precious (and illegal) rough diamond, Robert Mueller has managed to hit both Trump and Pence at the same time.  I have a picture in my mind of Paul Ryan and James Comey having a celebratory chocolate milk right about now.

Why do I think Mike Pence is in this up to his pink neck?  Well, either that or he's the dumbest person alive.  Which might not be mutually exclusive.  Plus, no man who wears long pants talks like he does.

(My husband is dragging me away, reminding me that our cats will not eat tonight unless we go grocery shopping.)

Stay tuned.


Thursday, October 26, 2017

Unreal

Dear Mr. Trump,

Sometimes it's hard to know what - or if - you're thinking. 

I'm not sure you understand this, but everything you've ever said or done in the (far too many) years since your first speaking part in The Great American Nightmare belies your persistent (and pathetic) claims to intelligence, civility, education, a high IQ (it only seems high when you can't count up to 100), negotiating skills, and patriotism.

I mean, c'mon: 
  1. You're in an ongoing public feud with the pregnant widow of a serviceman who was found killed,
  2. After being missing for two days,
  3. On your watch?
  4. For which you offered little explanation, took little responsibility, and expressed little sympathy.
  5. Seriously?  Good job, Commander-in-Chief.  
Then:
  1. You trot out a four-star general to fight the mean girls for you.
  2. And we are told that it would be "highly inappropriate" to "get into a debate" with a "four-star Marine general".  
  3. Even though the Marine general was lying through his teeth, and had gone above-and-beyond whatever call of duty he thought he was answering to defame and insult an innocent-as-charged public official.
  4. Whereby the general's credibility tanked.
  5. So now you're going to need a new general.  Mattis?  Maybe.  But people are starting to remember Vietnam.  
And:
  1. Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
  2. Who apparently was absent from Sunday school on the day they taught the Ten Commandments.  (Thank you, Sarah.  It's also "highly inappropriate" to "lie".)
  3. As far as I can see, there is nothing beneath this woman.
  4. And she wears WAY too much eye makeup.  Why, for the love of God?  Perhaps an attempt to distract from all the snarly stuff going on beneath the nose?  (Not working.)
  5. Whatever.  It's creepy.  Liz Taylor reincarnated as a bulldog.
Furthermore:
  1. If I had a person hanging around me who called his wife "Mother", and who wouldn't dine with women alone or be in a room with females where alcohol was being served without "Mother" by his side, and who publicly declared (in all seriousness) that it was the "greatest privilege" of his life (take that, Mother!) to serve me, I would get a restraining order.  And a food taster.  Just sayin'.
  2. A person who paints himself orange, and wears a tie that goes down to his knees, should not be calling a woman who wears a cowboy hat "wacky". 
  3. Never mind that you support a Senate candidate who also wears a cowboy hat, and packs a pistol, and rides a horse, just to go vote.  In Alabama, no less, a place not usually associated with cowboys.
  4. It's equally ludicrous to hear you cry, "No leadership in the NFL!"  That you fail to see the irony in this statement is more proof that your dad probably paid big bucks for your IQ test.
  5. AND your goofball son is accusing someone (Hillary Clinton) of "arrogance and entitlement" (on Twitter, on her birthday).  That boy really needs a mirror.  And a chin.
While I'm at it:
  1. Wacky
  2. Crooked
  3. Lyin'
  4. Nasty
  5. Crazy
  6. A real nutjob
  7. Showboat
  8. Grandstander
  9. Sound familiar?  This is the way you talk about people.  And you think that the press portrays you as "more uncivil" than you actually are?  Were you raised by wolves?
  10. Not coincidentally, the above epithets are apt descriptions of you.
For the record:
  1. An Ivy League school will generally give a degree to anyone who gives them enough money.
  2. An intelligent person doesn't need to tell people that they're intelligent.
  3. Steve Bannon is a mean, stupid drunk.
And I still want to see your tax returns.

Feeling better now,

Underemployed



Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Opioid Crisis

Dear Mr. Trump,

Here's your Opioid Policy:

Legalize Marijuana

Fuck Jeff Sessions.

One and done,

Underemployed



Saturday, October 21, 2017

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

I think you're going to be a popular Halloween costume this year.

Veraciously yours,

Underemployed



Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Happy Holidays

Dear Mr. Trump,

The best Christmas present of all would be your resignation.

Greetings of the Season,

Underemployed



Monday, October 16, 2017

Dear Scott Walker

Dear Governor Walker,

If they didn't listen to Trump, why should they listen to you?

You're a dolt,

Underemployed



President Mean Girl

Dear Mr. Trump,

The other day I came across David Axelrod on TV, cautiously suggesting that perhaps you might be jealous of Barack Obama.

(Ya think?)

I admit that I find it disheartening the way Washington circles the wagons when one of the chosen turns out to be a lemon (or, in your case, an orange).  You can practically see it tattooed across their foreheads:  "What can I get out of this without losing any votes?"  Screw nuclear winter, global warming, and neo-Nazi's!  They're more worried about their cousin's appointment to 2nd undersecretary to the ambassador of Tonga.

But getting back to this thing you have with Obama (and John McCain, too, BTW):  Dude!  I totally get it!

Back in high school, when I was about 16, I had this BIG crush on a guy named John.  I mean, I was full-on, sixteen-year-old-girl ga-ga, crush at first sight.  And my world came crashing down when, on the second day of our acquaintance, I overheard him talking to his best friend about Carmen, a young lady he clearly admired.

Carmen didn't know I existed, and when we were finally introduced, she was very nice (damn her).  She was tall, blonde, smart, talented, and funny.  And she had BIG BOOBS (tucking them into your pants now, eh Carmen?), which sort of mirrors your tiny hands complex. 

I was CONSUMED with jealousy, which lingered like the taste of Fresca, even after John and I became a big item and then eventually broke up.

My point is that, though all of this played out in my own mind instead of a global arena, I spent many an hour trying to console myself by criticizing Carmen's smallest flaws.  Hey, it was my Mean Girls stage!

And you're in your Mean Girls stage with Obama.  Though it's an unusually long one, if we count the whole "Birther Movement" comedy.

But I understand.  After all, truth be told, you fall a little short in comparison with your predecessor:
  1. He's younger than you.
  2. He dresses better.
  3. He's better looking.
  4. He has better hair.
  5. He's better educated.
  6. People like him.  And miss him.  A lot.
  7. He has a higher IQ.  (Don't argue, it's obvious.)
  8. He won the popular vote.
  9. He has bigger hands.
  10. And crowd sizes.
AND, though I'm only guessing here, he's tougher than you are.  I'm willing to bet that Sarah Huckabee Sanders would beat you in an arm wrestling match.

Thus, you have your reasons.  And my sympathy.

So let's move on now, shall we?

Empathetically yours,

Underemployed




Sunday, October 15, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm a little depressed.

Not about you, per se.  The moment I wrote you off as a nutcase, you lost the power to depress me.

Even when you hold up some bullshit piece of "legislation" (like you really understand legislation), glowing with your "Look at me!  I'm a big boy now!" face (actually scarier than your "Mussolini" face, which makes you look like something crawled up your butt and died), I remain immune.

No, what depresses me is that sea of happy (mostly white) faces that seem to populate your every photo op.  Much more depressing than you is what crawled out of the woodwork after you.  Smiling and applauding, they are always there, seemingly unaware of...well...anything

But you.  (Where have I see this before?  Oh, yeah.  North Korea.)

Now, given that these people are not certifiably insane, are apparently competent enough to match their belts to their shoes, and haven't be gelded, what would motivate an entire roomful of people - not to mention 292 or so Republican members of Congress - to encourage the tantrums and (potentially dangerous) antics of a petulant, mentally and morally deficient, giant orange man-baby?

I'm at a loss.

Since they can't possibly all be completely stupid, it must be either greed or fear.  Now, no amount of money is going to make nuclear winter or global warming any more fun and, personally, I can't imagine how someone could possibly be afraid of you.

Unless...
  1. Your BFF Steve Bannon and his dirt-digging machinery at Breitbart have something to do with it.
  2. You are Washington's Harvey Weinstein.  (Are you Harvey Weinstein?  The similarities are striking.)
  3. There are a lot of things about you that I don't know anything about.  Things I wouldn't understand.  Things I couldn't understand.  Things I shouldn't understand.
What I do know is that this doesn't bode well.  At the very least, it's creepy.  And your "base" is starting to look like a Village People fancon.

Maybe Donald Jr. could shed some light here?  They don't call him "Fredo" for nothing.

Perplexedly yours,

Underemployed



Monday, October 9, 2017

Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

Word has it that you thought Colts fans would follow you out of the stadium en masse, in a grand spectacle of support for you and President Circus Boy.

Didn't quite work out that way, did it?  

Do you know why?  Well, besides the fact that most people have figured out that both of you are just straight-up whack-job fools, your head looks like a sugar skull at a Day of the Dead party.

Just saying,

Underemployed




Sunday, October 8, 2017

Morons - Part 2

Dear Mr. Pence,

As if this couldn't get any better.

First, you jet from Las Vegas to Indianapolis to stage your little comedy.  At the taxpayers' expense.

Then, you post a picture of you and the missus at the game.  ("See how much fun we were having?  How tragic we were driven from the stadium by such a dastardly - AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED - manifestation of disrespect for soldiers, Flag, National Anthem!"). 

Unfortunately, the picture you posted was from "the game" in 2014.  

Then, the Cheeto-in-Chief tweets that he told you to do all this.  (Surprised?  Moi??)

Then, you jet to California.  For a fundraiser (good luck with that).  Also at the taxpayers' expense.

Total bill?  The watchdog group keeping an eye on you is saying $250,000.  

Your display of utter contempt for the intelligence of the entire population of the United States is insulting, unless you actually thought you were being clever.  But please keep in mind that We the People are relying on the likes of the TWO OF YOU to handle Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un.  To keep us safe from terrorism and nuclear war.  To show us a little of the respect you demand from football players for the national anthem.

Gotta say, it doesn't look promising.

Can you imagine what Rex Tillerson is thinking?

I can.

Stupefiedly yours,

Underemployed





Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

I think I have this right:
  1. You went to the Indianapolis Colts game today.
  2. Knowing DAMN WELL that some of the players would kneel during the national anthem.
  3. But you went anyway.
  4. And then, in a GREAT SHOW of what you parade as "patriotism",
  5. You left.
  6. Sputtering, "I left today's Colts game because President Trump and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem."
  7. Knowing, ALSO damn well, that these peaceful protests have NOTHING TO DO with respect for soldiers, flags, or anthems.
  8. Which has been explained at LEAST a zillion times.
  9. But, who cares? 
  10. You and the Clown Prince (during your last playdate) figured it would be a great publicity stunt.
Way to go, Mr. Patriot.  If we had more like you around during the Revolutionary War, we'd be taking a knee for "God Save the Queen".

Sincerely,

Underemployed



Dear Bob Corker

Dear Senator Corker,

Will you marry me?

Love,

Underemployed


Saturday, October 7, 2017

Morons

Dear Mr. Trump,

You:  "They had these beautiful, soft towels, very good towels.  And I came in and there was a crowd of a lot of people, and they were screaming and they were loving everything.  I was having fun, they were having fun.  They said, 'Throw 'em to me!  Throw 'em to me, Mr. President!  So the next day they said, 'Oh, it was so disrespectful to the people.'  It was just a made-up thing.  And also, when I walked in, the cheering was incredible."

Mike Huckabee:  "You were a rock star."


Trust me, there is not a single late-night comic who wants to see you leave office.

And, by the way, Mike Huckabee is a moron, too.

Saludos,

Underemployed



Dear Cyrus Vance, Jr.

Dear Cyrus Jr.,

Well, well, well.

By wild coincidence, I watched the documentary Abacus: Small Enough to Jail a few weeks ago.  It was the first inkling I had of your existence and, I must admit, it did not leave me with a favorable impression.  In fact, I remember - quite clearly - hoping that Purgatory actually exists and that you might do some time there before continuing on to your ultimate destination.

Now, to my delight, I see your name in the news. 

And I think that the Purgatory time is pretty much a go, and that the ultimate destination could in question.

Because right about the time (2012) you, as Manhattan District Attorney, were parading - past reporters - poor non-violent souls, hand-cuffed to each other like in a chain headed for the gulag, you were letting Ivanka and Donald Trump, Jr. off the hook for fraud.

Oh, and right about that time, one of Trump's personal lawyers sent you a campaign contribution (surprise!), because you are such "a person of impeccable integrity".  Two contributions, in fact.  The first one you returned right away, because - well, how would it look?

And the second one (the larger one) you also returned. 

Last week.

Now, some perceptive person in New York is asking that you be "probed". 

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Wouldn't it be lovely to see you, Ivanka, and Junior hand-cuffed together and paraded - in a chain - past some folks from the New York Times? 

Be still my beating heart.

Staying tuned,

Underemployed





Friday, October 6, 2017

A Terrific Idea

At this moment, while 9 out of 10 people in Puerto Rico still have no electricity, and many have no running water...

...Mr. Trump is hosting a Hispanic Heritage event.

(Let that settle into your brain for a minute, and - while you're at it - imagine what it must be like for Puerto Rican families with babies.  And/or elderly.  And/or sick people.)

I am hoping that at least some people at that event toss paper towels.  Not at Mr. Trump, because they'll get arrested, but perhaps to each other, a visible protest in commemoration of his memorable behavior during his visit to that devastated island.

In fact, I hope the paper towel protest toss follows Trump wherever he goes.  Preferably for the rest of his life.

It's a terrific idea.


Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Wait...What?

I just found out that the bill to ease the restrictions on gun silencers is officially called (and I couldn't make something like this up if I tried)...

"The Hearing Protection Act"

Seriously?

If there were an Olympics for Orwellian Euphemisms, this one would take gold.  I would like to meet the genius who dreamt it up.  After saluting his talent, I would drag him by the ear over to a chalkboard and make him write "I will not help whack-jobs buy stuff to kill people with," a thousand times.  Then I would send him to Vanuatu, without his supper.

Also, in case you missed it, Son-of-Trump, (Junior, aka "The Smart One") did an interview last year for a silencer manufacturer, saying that silencers were a great way to "get little kids into the game" of hunting.

I have three thoughts on this:
  1. Junior is even dumber than previously thought.  (Probably.)
  2. Junior should not be left alone with children.  (Possibly.)
  3. The psychotropics I ingested during that one trip to Jamaica in 1975 have finally kicked in.  (Perhaps.)
Now, I offer three alternatives to those Americans who, in the absence of any real understanding of the meaning or intention of the 2nd amendment, would rather see a potentially dangerous firearm accessory more freely available in a country where innocent people are already being menaced by their own crazy-ass fellow citizens, 
  1. Earplugs.
  2. Noise cancelling headphones.
  3. Don't shoot guns.
Easy enough, and no government legislation necessary.  

No bullshit, either.

Dear NRA

Dear NRA,

Per the second amendment to the United States Constitution, what part of "well regulated Militia" don't you understand?

Conscientiously yours,

Underemployed


Sunday, October 1, 2017

Wrapped in the Flag

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross."

- James Waterman Wise

Querido Presidente Ridiculo

Querido Presidente Ridiculo,

Las unicas noticias falsas que hay son las que salen de su boca.

Sus ciudadanos (de veras!),

Puerto Rico


Saturday, September 30, 2017

Dear Eric Trump

Dear Eric,

I'm so glad you don't mind it when NFL players stand and link arms.  I was worried.

Not,

Underemployed


Dear Ann Coulter

Dear Ann,

You find Mike Pence attractive and dignified?  Sad!  (Actually, that explains a lot.)

In deepest sympathy,

Underemployed


Another Prediction

Trump will resign (medical reasons, heel spurs?) as soon as Congress passes his tax bill (which they will).  I have a feeling it's the only reason why the powers that be (i.e., the very rich people who own Congress) allowed him to be president in the first place.

As soon as Ivanka starts packing up her Post-its, you can start counting the days...


Friday, September 29, 2017

Candygram for Mongo!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Now that I have your attention, can we talk?
  1. Congratulations on being the most "tweeted about world leader" at the United Nations General Assembly.  I wonder if you realize that most of those tweets were multi-language variations on "What an asshole!"  
  2. Tell Steve Bannon, the next time you guys are sharing a pizza, that the Alabamans who voted for Roy Moore are a pack of morons.  But then again, so are the ones who voted for Luther Strange.   
  3. Thank you for sharing the revelation that Puerto Rico "..is an island.  Surrounded by...big water, ocean water."  My husband finds this endearing.  I do not.
  4. Speaking of Puerto Rico, I'm glad to hear that things are going "really well" there.  Remind me to add "really well" to The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary.
  5. That's some tax cut you're promoting:  "giant, beautiful, massive".  (You left out "turgid" and "throbbing".)  Rip my bodice, and I'm sold.
  6. Please explain how a puffy, orange, old draft dodger - who has publicly ridiculed John McCain as "not a war hero" - can be questioning the respect of protesting athletes for the United States military. 
In the theater of the absurd that is now America, it is only appropriate that your administration be brought down by socially conscious members of the National Football League.

And speaking of sports, I have a sort of Fantasy Team in my head for a re-make of Blazing Saddles.  Until recently, I had only cast Barack Obama as Sheriff Bart and Joe Biden as The Waco Kid. 

But now, I think you'd be perfect as "The Pres", and wouldn't Mike Pence make a wonderful Hedley Lamarr?

As for Lili von Shtupp...

Too obvious?

Contumaciously yours,

Underemployed


Monday, September 25, 2017

Dear Susan Collins

Dear Senator Collins,

Thank you.  I will sleep well tonight.  Though I would sleep even better if somebody would shut down President Pumpkinhead's Twitter account.  (Time for some aggressive action, General Kelly, don't you think?)

I would also like you to know that you are my hero and my role model and I want to be you when I grow up.  

And if you run for president, I will send you money.

Your fan,

Underemployed


Sunday, September 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Let me see if I have this straight.

So, standing with your arms linked is good and kneeling is bad.  And this is because...

...you say so?

I think it would clear up a lot of confusion and save us all a lot of drama if you would just publish a list of body stances acceptable to your regime.

Patriotically yours,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You've really gotten yourself into a pickle, haven't you?

Setting aside the very real consequences of hurling childish insults at North Korea, you've managed to tick off both the NFL and the NBA in the same week.  For patriotic reasons, you say, though even a casual investigation of your life will indicate that your "patriotism" is a relatively recent development.  (Those bone spurs can be a real prob, no?)

You even went so far as to call an athlete a "son of a bitch" in public, on TV, in front of a cheering (and badly-dressed) crowd.  Not a good move for a pudgy old orange dude, but that's why you pay your bodyguards, I suppose.

You're calling for players to be fired, and a fan boycott.  Good luck with that.  I'm pretty sure that the majority of people who actually take you seriously are just going to ignore you on this.

The response from the sports world has been heartening:  Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Bruce Maxwell, Robert Kraft (count me as a born-again Patriots fan), Shad Khan, Roger Goodell, amongst others have basically told you to fuck off.  

Today is Sunday.  It's almost kick-off time.  This might be a defining moment for you.

I hope so.

Can Colin Kaepernick have a job now?

Go Bears,

Underemployed