Friday, August 18, 2017

Dear Mr. Bannon

Dear Mr. Bannon,

Please allow me a few moments of your attention before you drink yourself into your nightly stupor.

I hear that you really weren't fired today.  Which I don't doubt for a minute.  You left voluntarily, and who can blame you?  With the White House starting to resemble the set of Dr. Strangelove, just how effective could you be?  Now you are free to wage your "war" without that pesky Constitution to worry about.

Regretfully, your choice of words could be construed as throwing gasoline on the national fire, but that's in keeping with the grand plan, I guess.  It will be interesting to see the results of your fiery journalism while waiting in checkout lines at Walgreens.  (With an eye to their customers' continued good appetites, my grocery store chooses not to sell The Enquirer.)

I have a bit of advice for you in regards to your new/old job at Breitbart.

Though I'm sure you and Mr. Trump are gleefully cooking up all sorts of nasty surprises for those you perceive to be your enemies (quite a list, I'm sure), you guys are apparently missing a very important point.  The reality is that you are SO far gone many people would consider it a fucking badge of honor to be defamed in one of your...um..."news" stories.

In fact, if you really wanted to "crush" some hapless member of the "opposition", all you would have to do is casually mention that he or she is a friend of yours.

How easy is that?

Now, back to your double Maker's Mark.  On the bright side, you can day drink again.

Bon voyage,

Underemployed

P.S.  Do you think you could take Lurch with you?  



Thursday, August 17, 2017

Dear General Kelly

Dear General Kelly,

For crying out loud, can't you give this guy KP or something?
http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/346995-trump-resurrects-pigs-blood-myth-after-barcelona-attack

Please,

Underemployed



Dear Mitch McConnell

Dear Mitch McConnell,

I find it interesting to read that you were so angered by your Fearless Leader's recent display of spectacular ignorance that you were rendered speechless for 48 hours.

Call me a cynic, but I think you were just checking the polls.

Curiously, you are suddenly being characterized as a "pro-civil rights" Republican (which is certainly news to the Americans who came of age after your midlife crisis) in the popular press.

Nice try, and you have a helluva PR team. 

However, in my own mind, nothing will ever be able to erase the many times I've seen you, since the inauguration, photographed with a smug and satisfied smirk on your face, apparently pleased with Yam Man's sundry attempts to decimate this planet.

Sorry, dude.  What goes around, comes around.  Ask Anthony Scaramucci, who - I think - finally understands karma.

And good luck in 2018.

Skeptically yours,

Underemployed



Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Underemployed Is the New Resistance

cc:  Melania Trump, Ivanka Trump 

(Sorry, ladies, I try to leave you out of this, because I think there's a possibility that you've been abused and/or brainwashed, and I don't like to rail against my sisters, but I've had it.)



Dear Mr. Trump,

White supremacy and Nazism are not "sides".  They are enemies of the United States.  Of humanity.  Of civilization.  And the people, the common citizens, who come forward to protect us from them should be hailed as heroic.

Alt-left?  Nobody's buying that.  Well, maybe Ann Coulter is buying it, but...'nuff said.

You, who cry big crocodile tears over our military, and now desecrate everything they've ever fought and died for, how do you sleep?

Call me divisive, but I have no intention of "uniting" with this evil.  Or communicating with it.  Ever. 

And that includes you.

Enough.  You need to resign.  Right now.  Though that may deprive me of the pleasure of seeing you - and your minions - going to jail, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.



Underemployed

P.S.  The eye protectors you wear during your spray tans are making you look like a big orange raccoon.






Sunday, August 13, 2017

Notice

The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary (see previous post) has been amended to include the following entry:

"others of different militant perspectives
     1.  people who object to white-supremacists and neo-Nazis; 
     2.  people who read books;
     3.  people who can count by fives all the way to a hundred;
     4.  Democrats;
     5.  and anybody else who didn't vote for Donald Trump."

Thank you, Mike Pence, for your contribution to my humble lexicon.

For the record:
  1. You look like you're made out of PVC and would get slimy in the rain.
  2. You talk like someone in the throes of an LSD flashback. 
  3. Your wife is quite right about not letting you drink when you're out of her sight.
I'll bet you spend hours watching your Big Orange Daddy in the White house (looking as vapid as possible, so as not to alarm him), whilst spinning fantasies about him having to seek political asylum amongst the Uzbeks. 

And thinking about how thrilled Americans would be to have you as their president.

You're wrong about that.  Many Americans have carefully checked the line of succession and - God help them - are trying to figure out how to get to Orrin Hatch.

BTW, Indiana doesn't miss you.  One bit.





Goodbye, Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

After this:
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/former-kkk-leader-invokes-trumps-name/vi-AApVAvZ?ocid=spartandhp

You said this:
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/12/politics/trump-statement-alt-right-protests/index.html

And you're trying to spin it:
http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/videos/wh-adviser-both-sides-looking-for-trouble/vi-AApZ2XG?ocid=spartandhp

But it won't work. 

Watch what happens next.

Hopefully,

Underemployed




Saturday, August 12, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm feeling sucker punched.  Again.

It appears that Rex Tillerson and Nikki Haley have convinced you that your wrestling match with North Korea isn't playing well with a whole lot of people, and now you're bored, and you're figuring that maybe you can just dump the whole fiasco on Sweden or China or someone, and move on.

Well, all I can say is that was a half-a-bottle of whiskey wasted.

Probably, Mr. Tillerson and Ms. Haley - after assuring you that they love you to pieces - also pointed out that the rest of the world just considers you to be America's very own little Kim Jong Un.  A pain in the ass.  But with a shorter attention span.

Not easy to find a dog to wag these days.

However, with various investigative agencies knocking on your golf club's door, you'd better come up with something.

Fast.

And like a gift from heaven, that rascal Maduro in Venezuela has started acting up.  I'm guessing that most of people in the United States, being as clueless as a Nevada parole board about anything that goes on in South America, give a damn if you bomb Venezuela.

What's not to love?  Venezuela won't fight back.  And there's lots of cheap oil to be had, you get to play with your new toys, and you'll finally WIN something.  Maybe you could send Donald Jr. there to be president for a while.  Just 'til the heat dies down.

With Venezuela you can thump your chest as much as you want, causing paroxysms of patriotism amongst your not-too-bright base and another bump in your approval ratings, though I'm sure that your professed feelings of compassion for the people of Venezuela are as genuine as your cartoon machismo. 

I'm also sure that, up until yesterday, you wouldn't be able to pick out Venezuela on a map, given a pop quiz.

Exasperatedly yours,

Underemployed





Monday, July 31, 2017

Anthony, We Hardly Knew Ya

Dear Anthony,

I told you to stop shooting your mouth off, and now look where it got you.  Fired by a guy who puts ketchup on a steak.  And his Irish general friend.  If it makes you feel any better, your worst meal was better than anything they ever put in their mouths.

I'm sorry you got fired.  You were funny.  Not like the rest of those jamokes.

Well, take a vacation.  Write a book.  I'll buy it, promise.  And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.  Actually, you don't know where to find me. 

Ask the Russians.  They probably do.

In boca al lupo and don't be a stranger.

Your fourth cousin, once removed,

Connie Staccato




Saturday, July 29, 2017

Generally Speaking

I have heard through the grapevine that Mr. Trump's new chief of staff, used-to-be General John Kelly, "...won't suffer idiots and fools."

Um...okay.

That leaves a rather obvious question begging to be asked.



Friday, July 28, 2017

Dear Senator McCain

Dear Senator McCain,

That was heroic.  Thank you.

Respectfully yours,

Underemployed



Thursday, July 27, 2017

Hey, Anthony!

Jeez, calm down!

You're quoting Joe Paterno and talking about hanging people.  One more stupid thing out of your mouth and I'll be wondering - like everybody else - what you're putting up your nose.

Take a nap or something.

Your fourth cousin, once removed,

Connie Staccato



Monday, July 24, 2017

All Hat, No Cattle

Dear Representative Farenthold,

Unfortunately, you have come to my attention today.  Specifically, your wistfully expressed desire to settle the health care issue "Aaron Burr-style" with "female senators from the Northeast".

But only if they were "a guy from south Texas".

Wow.  So much to work with here.

I assume you are referring to Sentaor Susan Collins of Maine, Senator Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia, and Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska.

For the record:
  1. I am from central Oklahoma.
  2. People from Oklahoma generally consider people from Texas - south or otherwise - to be yahoo blowhards.
  3. West Virginia and Alaska are not in the Northeast.
  4. Susan, Shelley, and Lisa are - probably - all better shots than you are.
  5. And they would have a much larger target.
Which goes to show you that grown men who allow themselves to be photographed, while attired in "ducky pajamas", alongside "lingerie models", should not be taken seriously.  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/politicians-potentially-career-ending-photos-gallery-1.14806?pmSlide=1.22120

Especially by voters.

Git along, little dogie,

Underemployed 




Sunday, July 23, 2017

My Cousin Anthony

Would you believe it?  Anthony Scaramucci is my fourth cousin! 

Once removed.

Hey, Anthony!

It's me, Connie.  The last time we saw each other was at Aunt Lena's wedding and you were about six.  Congratulations, and don't get a swelled head.

I saw you on TV the other night.  Jesus, are you kidding me?  Anthony, some advice.  Stop combing your hair with a rake and put on a tie that isn't shiny!  You look like an undertaker, for chrissakes.  And stop telling everybody about all the shit you're gonna do.  That's not how Sicilians operate, in case you forgot.

And lastly, Mooch, listen to me here.  Just because you're hanging out with that big orange gagootz doesn't mean you can say stuff that isn't true.

Remember, St. Anthony can hear you.

Make me proud,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent
Underemployed Is the New Organic





The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary

-A-

a lot of people
     nobody, a few hillbillies maybe

alternative fact
     a lie

amazing
     something shiny     

-B-

base
     nobody in their right mind

believe me
     I'm lying

big
     good

bigly
     big league, just like me

billions of dollars pouring into NATO
     a lie

-C-

chemistry
     something I think exists when somebody isn't straight-up laughing at me

classy
     tacky

collusion
    something everybody knows I didn't do (see "crowd size", "fake news")

covfefe
     a secret word, revealed to me by the voices, understood only by the inhabitants of my home planet

creepy
     Anthony Scaramucci

criminals
     Mexicans, Hillary Clinton, people who do bad things but who are not related to me

crooked
     Hillary Clinton (see "women")
   
crowd size
     the measure of all things, directly proportional to my insecurities about being illegally elected, and - by extension -  my dick
   
-D-

deal
     something done by my lawyers, but that I take credit for

-E-

everybody
     nobody

everybody knows
     nobody believes it for a minute

extreme vetting
     a process that should be required for Mexicans and Muslims trying to come to the U.S., except seasonal employees of Trump properties

-F-

failing, failed
     people who don't like me

fair
     anything that lets me win
    
fake news
     anything I don't like

fantastic
     meh

-G-

global warming
     Chinese fake news

good boy
     my son, Don Jr., who is almost 40, and didn't really mean to cut off that elephant's tail

-H-

hands
     the historically large appendages attached to my wrists

health care
     something that proves that Barack Obama is way smarter than I am

historic
     me, everything about me, everything I do

history
     self-serving shit I just make up

-I-

I heard somewhere
     Steve Bannon planted it in a tabloid somewhere and now I'm repeating it

incredible
     meh

infinity
     someplace astronauts go, out there...maybe...could be...

-L-

lack of clarity
     lying

leak, leaker
     the truth, somebody who tells the truth

loser
     someone who knows I'm lying

love
     money

loyalty
     something I value because I'm counting on it to keep me out of jail          

-M-

made in America
     a lie

Mexicans
     bad hombres who should stay on the other side of a big, big wall that they're going to pay for

Mike Pence
     the reason I haven't been impeached

modern day presidential
     having opposable thumbs

obstructionist
      anyone who thinks I'm lying

-N-

NAFTA
     foreigners who cheat us out of money 

NATO
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

-O-

others of different militant perspectives
     1.  people who object to white-supremacists and neo-Nazis;
     2.  people who read books,
     3.  people who can count by fives all the way to a hundred;
     4.  Democrats;
     5.  and anybody else who didn't vote for me.

-R-

relationship
     a one-way figment of my imagination 

rigged
     anything I don't win

-S-

sad
     people who don't believe me when I'm lying

spin, n.
     a lie

spin, v.

     to lie

-T-

talented
     people who believe me when I'm lying

tax reform
     a lie

team
     minions

the president
     me (see "crowd size")

tough
     something that requires effort

Trans-Pacific Partnership
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

transparency
     lying, but acting like I'm not lying

tremendous
     meh

Twitter
     the modern day presidential way of saying something stupid

-U-

unpresidented
     (we wish...)

-V-

very fake news
     the truth

very good relationship
     occasionally might talk to me, briefly, if we're in a group

voter fraud by millions of illegal immigrants
     a lie
     
-W- 

witch hunt
     fake news about me and the Russians (some of whom are very nice people, by the way) that nobody cares about (except the New York Times - see "failing") and that I'm gonna put a stop to soon (see "creepy")

women
     aliens, sometimes nasty







Friday, July 21, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Whew!  What a day you've had!  I'm sure right now you're gratefully sinking back into the vibrating easy-chair in your padded cell at the White House, enjoying a Diet Coke and a foot massage from your new bromance, Anthony Scaramucci.

He's quite a character, that Anthony!  My first reaction was, "Who's this clown?"  A little Cousin Vinny-like for a Harvard law grad, no?  Which made it sound like everything that came out of his mouth was bullshit, but maybe he was just a little over-stimulated from basking in your dazzling orange glow.   

I gave up counting how many times Mr. Scaramucci said "love" in reference to you and your sundry barnacles during his debut press conference today.  And I have to confess that this was a little worrisome, since you and your courtiers are not - how shall I put this? - especially lovable by anything but the slackest of standards.  But I was really captivated by his assertion that you had "good karma".

Seriously?  Well, you sure didn't rack it up in this lifetime.

Which made me ponder who/what you might have been in your past lifetimes.  And I came up with a short list.
  1. Henry VIII (after he fell on his head).
  2. Jeff Sessions (oh, wait, he's not dead yet).
  3. Caligula.
  4. Peter Griffin.
  5. A wombat.
None of whom would generate much good karma.  Perhaps Mr. Scaramucci doesn't fully understand the concept.

He will.

Stai attento,

Underemployed
 



Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

My fork says you're done.

'Bye,

Underemployed

Monday, July 17, 2017

Dear Alabama

And you thought Jeff Sessions was a psychopath.

Here's a glimpse at the heirs apparent to his vacant throne in Alabama.  From NBC News:

"...ahead of the August 15 primary to fill the Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the leading GOP candidates are accusing each other of showing insufficient loyalty to the president, whom they speak of with divine reverence.

"Incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who was appointed to fill the seat temporarily in February, called Trump's election a 'Biblical miracle.' Roy Moore, the twice-elected, twice-deposed Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, said, 'God…sent Donald Trump in there.' And Rep. Mo Brooks, a Tea Party favorite, has vowed to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until the president's border wall gets built."

(Now, I have it on good authority that there are normal people who live in Alabama, too.  How do they do it?  Do they just stay stoned all the time, like Willie Nelson in Texas?  Or do they just huddle in enclaves, shrouded in shared delusion?)

But wait, there's more:

"Two of Stranges' campaign ads feature him firing a handgun equipped with a silencer at 'Obama's amnesty plan' in order to call attention to his support for a bill to cut taxes on silencers."

(Seriously?  But I suppose that would be what one should expect from somebody named Luther Strange.)


Dear Alabama, 

Any chance you guys want to try to secede from the Union again?  I'm sure the rest of the country would be just fine with that now.

Think about it,

Underemployed







Wednesday, July 12, 2017

An Anthem for the Resistance

Oh! What are we going to do with Uncle Donald?
A clear disaster, is Uncle Donald.
When he goes a-Twitter at the Mar,
Watch the news, 'cause the Russians will not be far!

If ever lurked a jerk, it's Uncle Donald.
He's batshit crazy, and so is his son!
Gimme your vote, I hear him say;
He'll steal it from you anyway,

Now in the White House there's a twit,
Who grabs you by the where-you-sit,
A silly old git who thinks he really won!


Now sing along! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4QEkjgDalA



Monday, July 10, 2017

Dear Don Jr.

Dear Don Jr.,

You're dumber than you look.  And that's saying something.

Bon voyage,

Underemployed



Saturday, July 8, 2017

Sucker Punch

I know I'm going to offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think that the combination of bleach and over-exposure to a blow dryer can have a detrimental effect on the brain.

I'm specifically thinking of Ivanka Trump, who - if everything goes according to plan - will be the First Woman President of the United States.  Elected by Russian hackers, people who wear shorts with elastic waistbands, angry white guys, and desperate white women who want angry white guys to love them.

(Boy, won't that just burn Hillary's butt!  I can hear Trump cackling in my sleep.)

Here's the plan:
  1. Trump acts like an ignorant, senile old bastard with a pathological need for attention.
  2. The behavior escalates until everybody in the world considers acquiring an emergency stash of opioids.
  3. The ethereally lovely Ivanka wafts in to soothe the savage beast and make it all better.  Everybody in the world is grateful that the pain stops, even for a moment.
  4. Steps 1-3 are repeated as necessary.
  5. Ivanka runs for president after stashing Daddy in a (very classy) memory care facility.
Here's what to watch for:
  1. Increasingly bad behavior from Dad Trump, ultimately mitigated by the Enlightened Voice of Reason (which she will refer to, in the future, as her "experience").
  2. The Divorce.  Jared has acquired an impressive amount of baggage is a very short period of time, no?  I predict that Ivanka will be "shocked and heartbroken", as reported by The Enquirer.
  3. The Sons of Trump will mysteriously disappear.
A proper sucker punch.  And we thought it was Donald we needed to worry about.

Hey, Ivanka:  If you're so all-fired clever and influential, why is THIS happening:


I guess it's small potatoes compared to the 50 million smackeroos Daddy pledged to your pet Women's Project.  I was particularly repelled by the big Thank-You Kiss, though I'm pretty sure I would kiss a hyena's ass for 50 million dollars. 

Maybe you could give it to the Afghan girls.





Thursday, July 6, 2017

Last Night in Germany...

(ring ring)

"Hallo?"

"Is this The Best Hotel in Hamburg?"

"Ja!"

"Do you have any rooms available?"

"Nein."

"Look, I need a room for The Leader of the Free World."

"Oh.  For Frau Merkel?  In that case, Ja!"

"No.  For Donald Trump."

"Oh.  In that case, double-Nein."

"Listen, you jelly doughnut, we are important Americans..."

"Ach!  All Americans are important.  They say."

"And we have a meeting to attend..."

"Ach!  I am aware.  Can you hear the rioting where you are?"

"So will you make a room available for us for the next three days?"

"Nein."

"Well, what would you suggest we do?"

"That, I cannot say without International Incident.  Perhaps you have an aircraft carrier in the North Sea...?"

"Can you imagine the President's Wife sleeping on an aircraft carrier?!"

"As well as I can imagine her sleeping in Das White Haus."

"You are an insolent Hun, and I am going to report this to your Chancellor!"

"Und she will buy me a nice bier, ja?  Maybe Zwei!"




Sunday, July 2, 2017

Dear Modern Day Presidential Person

Dear Mr. Trump,

A few words about your self-appellation:
  1. Just so you know, the year is 2017.
  2. If by "modern" you mean that you have demonstrated that you have opposable thumbs...well, um...okay.
  3. Presidential?  With that tie?
And judging from that video, you'd be well advised not to quit your day gig.  Though in the (hopefully) near future, you might not have a choice.

Unwillingly yours,

Underemployed 





Friday, June 30, 2017

Girl Crush

For the next four years, whenever I'm in a bad mood, I'm going to watch this:




Thank you, Ana.  If you ever run for president (and I think it's a very, very good idea), I will sell my house and give you all my money.

Your new biggest fan,

Underemployed




Saturday, June 24, 2017

The Simple American Health Care Act

We the People of the United States claim the right to participate in the same Health Care Plan as is participated wherein by Congress and the President, whose salaries and benefits We provide.

In the case that this Health Care is unaffordable by Us (i.e., it should not exceed 8% of our gross income) we claim the right to subsidy to the necessary cost, or to participate in Medicaid or Medicare as is appropriate.

There.  Two sentences.

All in favor, say "Aye".




Friday, June 23, 2017

Dear Republican Senators

Dear Republican Senators,

One question:

If your health care plan is so fucking wonderful, will YOU all be signing up for it?

Just asking,

Underemployed




Thursday, June 22, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So there are no tapes.  I knew that (see previous post).

I knew it from the beginning.  So did everybody else.  Except for - maybe - Kellyanne Conway who thinks that a microwave oven is a potential surveillance apparatus.  And maybe that one Republican congressman in Michigan who thinks God is going to fix global warming (if it becomes a problem).  Actually, I think in the case of Kellyanne, she just says stuff like that so you won't feel like the only lunatic in the room. 

Here are your tweets:

With all of the recently reported electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information, I have no idea...

...whether there are "tapes" or recordings of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings.

 - Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 22, 2017

Now let's take that apart:

"With all of the recently reported (by whom?) electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information (only a prob if you're guilty), I have no idea...whether there are "tapes" (those quotation marks again - intriguing!) of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings (no shit).

What the ENTIRE WORLD knows, Mr. Trump, is that you were just throwing a tantrum, shooting off your mouth (or, in this case, short and stubby fingers), and didn't have the balls to admit it.  BELIEVE ME, they're laughing at you. 

And as for James Comey:  You better hope he wasn't wearing a wire. 

Think about it,

Underemployed 



  

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Dear Steve Bannon

Dear Steve Bannon,

Chelsea Clinton says you "fat shamed" Sean Spicer.  And I have no reason to doubt Chelsea Clinton on this.

For the record, Sean Spicer is - by far - the least creepy-looking of anyone in Trump's confederacy of dunces.  And I'm including Jared and Ivanka.  (Maybe especially Jared and Ivanka.)

You, on the other hand, are a bloated, warty toad.  Possibly with alcohol- and/or drug- induced brain damage.  And you look like you smell bad.  

So there is no good reason for you to be anything shaming anybody.

Go away,

Underemployed





Processing Time

Today my husband turns to me and says, "Remember Trump's Cabinet meeting?  The one where everybody was crawling on the floor to lick his shoes?  That was.  The most.  Disgusting.  Thing.  I've EVER seen.  In my whole life."

My husband:
  1. Is 85-years-old, and that's a lot of life,
  2. And he's a former employee of the government of Cook County, IL.
  3. So he knows of which he speaks, 
  4. Because Cook County is basically Chicago,
  5. The government of which has always been - more or less - disgusting.
When this man uses superlatives in reference to government, one listens.

I agree with him, though I didn't require as much processing time.  And I've since pondered what the individual motives might have been for the performances.

Here's what I've come up with:
  1. Greed.
  2. And/or fear.
  3. Except for Mike Pence, 
  4. Who - I'm pretty sure - is what we sometimes euphemistically refer to as "simple minded".
  5. But he's from Indiana.  Therefore, no one notices.   
In case you missed it:


Maybe just a tad too "Supreme Leader"?




Sunday, June 18, 2017

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

Please allow me to impart a bit of wisdom to you.  It's the kind of wisdom one generally acquires before the age of six, if one is not a billionaire and/or has body guards.

"If you're gonna dish it out, make sure you can take it."

I'm not hopeful you know what that means. Especially after listening to you describe to your friends at Fox News how you were "not expecting the viciousness" that a number of people are directing toward your father.

So let me explain it to you.

On Planet Earth, people - for the most part - are not vicious unless somebody gives them a good reason to be.  Some of these reasons are:
  1. Insults;
  2. Disrespect;
  3. Theft;
  4. Sexual harassment;
  5. Falsehoods;
  6. Threats;
  7. Mockery;
  8. Betrayal;
  9. Displays of extreme ignorance;
  10. Ketchup on steak.
Your father is guilty of all of these.  Under normal circumstances, he would not have achieved adulthood in full possession of his teeth.

However, when someone is very rich, there are people who will apparently choose to overlook the offenses.  I say "apparently" because, in many cases, they will simply opt for a more subtle form of revenge.  I know this because I am Sicilian.  And we invented revenge.

What exactly were you expecting?  That all of your father's victims would just roll over and play dead?  A natural expectation, I suppose, given the embarrassing performance of his Cabinet recently.  Unfortunately for your father, though, there are more Americans than not who would rather see him on a one-way trip to the Sombrero Galaxy than in the White House.

Three million more, at last count.

I am guessing that we are to believe you are "the smart one" amongst the children of Trump (though my money's on Tiffany).  Given the field, it's not much of an accomplishment.  And you probably think you are doing wonderful things for the world.  

But I promise you, you are not.  You are simply putting a pretty face on an ugly situation.

Perhaps you believe that your father's behavior is normal.  But We the people - because we were raised right - are not accepting it as our new normal.  

We're dishing it right back at him.  And we will continue to do so until he takes his toys and goes home.

Because that's how you handle a bully.

Regards to Jared,

Underemployed







Monday, June 12, 2017

Across the Pond

Theresa May has caught my attention recently.  

I understand very little of the parliamentary system of government, but I have the distinct impression that she is behaving oddly.

Namely, she should be gone by now.  In a nice, polite, parliamentary-sort of way.

However, she is desperately trying to hang on to her position.  So desperate that she is trying to make a deal with the Devil Himself, the party of Ian Paisley.  And I might not know a lot about UK politics, but I do remember some things about that asshole.

In fact, she's acting a lot like...Donald Trump!  And what do Theresa May and Donald Trump have in common?  I mean, besides really, really bad hair?

They were both beneficiaries of election victories that should have never happened outside of an alternative universe.

Ah.  Brexit.

Coincidence?  You decide.




Saturday, June 10, 2017

Let's Think About This

Dear American Christian Right,

I write to you because some of your offspring have chosen this beautiful day in June to hold "Anti-Sharia" demonstrations in cities across the country.

(What would Jesus do?  I'm pretty sure he would cringe.  Likewise, Thomas Jefferson.)

Now this is just a view from the cheap seats, but I have noticed several discrepancies in the rhetoric with which you seek to preserve "traditional American values".

We'll start with the Sharia law thing.  Personally, in spite of (or maybe because of) twelve years of rigorous religious schooling, I am perfectly content with the Constitution and would prefer not to have an additional set of rules and regulations telling me what to do.  But I understand that there are people who prefer otherwise, and so be it.  This is (more or less) a free country.

So, no, I don't want to live under Sharia law.  But I don't want to live under the American right-wing Christian version of it, either.  You know, the version that tells us who we can sleep with, what we can smoke, what kind of medical care women should be allowed to have, what bathrooms we can use, etc., in spite of the fact that the American right wing takes every opportunity they can to bemoan "Big Government".

I'm also perplexed by the Right to Life/Pro Death Penalty paradox.  And vice-versa.

However, what really flabbergasts me is this:  

How is it that American right-wing Christians are so fucking terrified of Muslims (even though we are in much more danger from our trigger-happy fellow Americans), but seem to have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with the Kremlin choosing our "elected" leaders for us?

Let's think about this.

And thank you for your consideration,

Underemployed





Friday, June 9, 2017

Sometime in the Very Near Future...

Dear Mr. Trump,

You have definitely put yourself between a rock and a hard place.

The Rock:  "James Comey better hope that there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!"

The Hard Place:  There are no "tapes".  

I know there are no "tapes".  You know there are no "tapes".  And "tapes"-gate is going to be like that little Obama "wire tapping" comedy, because you will point out that you used "quotation marks", so you can say anything you want and don't have to "worry" about it being taken "literally" by - oh, let's say - a "special counsel" during the course of an "independent investigation".

Now, or "...sometime in the very near future", you are going to have to 'fess up.  In public.  To a lot of people.  Most of whom will laugh.

Anyway, you will have to confess one of the following things:
  1. You just made that shit up.
  2. The voices (the ones that only you can hear) told you there were tapes, and the voices are never wrong.
  3. If Sean Spicer were doing a better job, you wouldn't have these problems.
Dude, here's a flash:  EVERYBODY knows there are no tapes.  But everybody is pretending that there might be tapes because everybody delights in ridiculing you.

I hope that clears things up.

Until then, Happy Golfing!

Underemployed 










Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

For the moment, let's set aside the fata morgana that you are all that and a bag of chips, too.  You do realize that if it hadn't been for James Comey, you wouldn't have won* the election, right?

Just asking.  It's hard to understand what goes on in the mind of someone who eats chocolate cake while bombing someone.

Looking forward to listening to those "tapes",

Underemployed





Monday, June 5, 2017

No Kidding



 

I knew it.




Oh, What the Hell

Dear Mr. Trump,

How can you criticize the mayor of London?  And solemnly swear (with a straight face) that you will do everything in your power to keep Americans safe, when you're doing your damnedest to make sure that every pissed-off hillbilly with an index finger has the constitutional right to buy an assault weapon?

Oh, what the hell.  Let's just make fun of the fat bastard:


 

Disquietingly yours,

Underemployed





Friday, June 2, 2017

Dear Congressman Nunes

Dear Congressman Nunes,

I think you need a nice long nap.

Your friend,

Underemployed





Our Inspired Leadership

Dear Congressman Walberg,

Last Friday, while speaking with some people unfortunate enough to be your constituents, you received some questions about your views on climate change.

To which you replied:

"I believe there's climate change.  I believe there's been climate change since the beginning of time.  Do I think man has some impact?  Yeah, of course.  Can man change the entire universe?   No.  Why do I believe that?  Well, as a Christian, I believe that there is a creator in God who is much bigger than us.  And I'm confident that, if there's a real problem, he can take care of it."

(How simple is that?  Who needs Congressmen?)

Well, Mr. Walberg, I'm confident, too!  I'm confident that:
  1. When you said "he", you meant just that.
  2. God probably thinks "he" already has taken care of it,
  3. Because "he" gave (some of) us brains.
  4. The plan is we're actually supposed to use them.
  5. You would do well to remember:  "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap,"
  6. And right now that's not looking too good.
  7. Almost every person who has ever voted for you now deeply regrets it.
Good luck with 2018!

Unbelievably yours,

Underemployed





While You Were Out...

As I've said before, whenever our questionably elected leader does something so appallingly stupid and/or loathsome that the news can be full of nothing else, it's a good idea to look around and see what more might be happening in Trumpsylvania.

As we all know by now, the United States has chosen to ally itself with the great intellects of the governments of Syria and Nicaragua on the subject of climate change.  

It doesn't get much more appallingly stupid or loathsome than that, though I hate to leave the challenge open to Mr. Trump and the other passengers in the White House clown car, because I'm sure they'll find a way to top it.

Here is a short list of  issues that surfaced while we were all gawking in disbelief yesterday:
  1. Mr. Trump's ethics waiver binge.
  2. The Nigel Farage Saga - starring Steve Bannon, sundry Russians, Brexit, Wikileaks...some good stuff here.  I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
  3. Jared Kushner's claim that Donald Trump thinks Republicans are stupid, which might indicate previously undetected brainwave activity in Donald's little orange head.
  4. A notable drop in business at Trump's golf courses. 
  5. Trump's fake Twitter followers.  Sad!
Now, if my spider sense is working correctly, I surmise that articles #1 and #2 are going to be be big news soon.  I'm also going to surmise that articles #4 and #5 are the only ones that really bother Mr. Trump.

Oh, and my spider sense is also telling me the the U.S. withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord has a LOT to do with the fact that Emmanuel Macron is younger, smarter, stronger (we've got that on video!), more sartorially elegant, better educated, more articulate, and MUCH better looking than Donald Trump.  Oh, and President Macron's wife seems to really like him a lot, too.

Just a guess. 





Thursday, June 1, 2017

True Dat

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're right.  The world is laughing at us.  But what you can't seem to grasp (among so many other things) is it's because of you.

Say hi to Steve for me.  

Regretfully yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  Angela and Emmanuel lost your cell phone number.  Or so they say.








Friday, May 26, 2017

Dear President Cafone

Dear Mr. Trump,

How's that little vay-cay working out for you?  Here's what we know so far:
  1. Your wife can't stand you.
  2. Maybe because you're a rat bastard?
  3. Your son-in-law is even creepier than you are.
  4. Your suits don't fit.  Not even close.
  5. French people make fun of you.
  6. They didn't make fun of Obama.  Just sayin'.
  7. His Holiness thinks you're a jerk.  
  8. And when I first saw your ladies at the Vatican, I thought "Who died?"
  9. You really like Saudi Arabians. 
  10. Probably because they give you (and your creepy kids) money.
  11. And shiny things.
  12. World peace?  Fugeddaboudit.
So you're in Sicily now, are you? Let me give you a list of Sicilian words you're gonna hear.  A lot.  I don't know how they're spelled, but they sound like this:

boodagots

chooch

gabbaroos

gabbados

gabbadeegots

gogoots

gooloo

jadrool

jamoke

skoochamend

stroonz

stoonahd

vafangool



They all pretty much mean the same thing.  Except for the last one.  But I think the word you're gonna hear the most is cafone.  Like, you are the EMBODIMENT of a cafone.  Take, for example, what you did to the Prime Minister of Montenegro.  Smooth move, James Bond.  The jacket flick was a nice touch. 

Seriously, chooch, in the Italian dictionary next to cafone is your picture.

Hope this helps,

Connie Staccato
Sicilian-American special corresdondent
www.conniestuffs.com




(BTW, a special "grazi'!" to the American-Italian dictionary at americanitalian.net.)





Monday, May 22, 2017

Dear Governor Christie

Dear Governor Christie,

Today I read the following quote, attributed to you, in reference to Mike Flynn:

"If I were president-elect of the United States, I wouldn't let General Flynn in the White House, let alone give him a job."

Tough talk from a jet-puffed marshmallow.  So answer me this, Big Boy.  If that's true, then how come you had no problem legitimizing and enabling the goofball who did?

Just asking, because I'm not sure you realize how annoying you are,

Underemployed




Just So You Know

The "leaks" are coming from the Grand Poobah himself: 

Donald J. Trump

This speculation is "largely based on an accumulation of data".  Namely, since this guy has been on my radar, I've never known him to be able to keep his big mouth shut.

And I'll bet he's loving every minute of it.





Friday, May 19, 2017

Everybody Knows

I've come to the conclusion that President* Trump is at his scariest whenever he says, "Everybody knows."

Here is a partial list of what Mr. Trump thinks everybody knows:
  1. He calls his own shots.  (Who else would be this stupid?)
  2. "...largely based on an accumulation of data."  (I shudder to think.)
  3. His hair is real.  (That's a good thing?)
  4. As is He, Himself.  (Ditto.)
  5. The Russian 'story' is fake news.  (Not.)
  6. And there is no collusion.  (Speaking strictly for himself, of course - so he says - but still.  Not.)
  7. Everybody's against him.  (This worries me.)
  8. James Comey is a showboat, a grandstander, a real nut job.  And crazy.  ("I know you are, but what am I?")
  9. The system is rigged.  (Agreed.  But by whom?)
  10. He had the largest inauguration crowd, period.  (In spite of what you might have heard/seen/counted/cared about.)
  11. Jeb Bush is a wuss.  (Obviously.)
  12. Steve Harvey.
This is but a sampling.  There's much more.  Mr. Trump may not be in contact with the Russians, but he appears to be in constant contact with the little green people on his home planet.

Mr. Trump, I assure you there is one thing for sure that everybody knows:

You're toast.





Fill in the Blanks, Part 2

Donald Trump calling James Comey, "crazy" and a "real nut job" is like:


____________ calling ____________, " ____________ " and a " ____________ ".

I'm beginning to detect a pattern...




Saturday, May 13, 2017

Fill in the Blanks

Donald Trump calling James Comey a "showboat" and a "grandstander" is like:

____________ calling ____________ a "____________" and a "____________".


I've been trying for two whole days.  With a thesaurus.  And all I can think is, "Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black!"  Which means I'm in some sort of shock, or there just are no words.

You give it a go.  It's Saturday.  Buy a bottle of Stoli.  Invite some friends over.  See what you come up with.  The best entry will receive a certified letter from my lawyer saying that I don't have any business dealings with Russians, suitable for framing.

Better make that a bottle of Jack. 





Thursday, May 11, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Today, I was overjoyed to read that you have established a new commission:

The Presidential Commission on Election Integrity

Sounds BIG and bad.  And like you're still trying to convince yourself (and considerably more than half the country) that you really won the election.

"Presidential Commission on Election Integrity" is an oxymoron.  At best.  Coming from somebody who is desperately (and obviously) trying to keep the lid on Russia's role in handing you a "W" in 2016, I can assure you that you're just embarrassing yourself (again), something you seem to be incapable of perceiving. 

At worst I assume that the oh-so-critical voter fraud issue will just join the other smokescreens that your Congressional stooges seem so het-up about:
  1. Hillary's emails.
  2. Obama's "wiretapping" (note the quotes).
  3. White House leaks (it's Bannon, I already told you it's Bannon, he's a troublemaker).
  4. The Great Inauguration Crowd-Size Plot.
And those of us who watch congressional hearings (yes, we exist and we tend to vote), have to listen to those stooges drawl on (yeah, they're mostly Southerners) about these crucial issues, acting very tough and clever, while Russia decides what tie you're going to wear today.

Impressive.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed



Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Nothing says, "I'm guilty" like firing the investigator.

At least that's the way it is in this solar system.

Just a "head's up",

Underemployed



Monday, May 8, 2017

Dear Sally Yates

Dear Sally Yates,

Please run for president.

Thank you,

Underemployed





The Secret Handshake

Dear Mr. Kushner,

I've finally figured out why you exist.

Aside from being Ivanka's husband (whatever possessed you to let her fly coach?) and the Office of American Innovation (remember that?) and bringing pops-in-law the occasional diet Coke (seems to me more of a "Tab" guy), it has never been immediately apparent - not to me, anyway - what exactly you do in the White House.

I know now.

As I eagerly away the testimony of Sally Yates to Congress, hoping to high heaven she's got an impeachable offence up her sleeve, I've been mulling over Mike Flynn.  And Mike Flynn and you.  And Mike Flynn and you and Ambassador Kislyak.  And Mike Flynn and you and Ambassador Kislyak and - what the hell - let's throw in your sister's antics in China over the past weekend.

Admittedly, I'm a cynical sort.  And I asked my cynical self:  "Why in God's name was Jared Kushner visiting a Russian ambassador with a creep like Mike Flynn?

And it just hit me:  You're Donald Trump's SECRET HANDSHAKE!

Here's how it works:  All you have to do is show up to any given gathering, and everyone knows that Daddy Warbucks in on board.  With whatever.  Most of it illegal and/or morally reprehensible.

And you can honestly say that you only discussed the weather or exchanged Pokemon cards.

Pretty clever.  A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse, eh?  But if a little old underemployed lady in Chicago can figure it out, can the FBI be far behind?

Hopefully,

Underemployed






Sunday, May 7, 2017

Thanks, Reince!

From USA Today:

"Priebus doubts states will choose to charge sicker people more."




Oh.  Okay.  I'll sleep like a baby tonight.

Thanks, Reince!





Saturday, May 6, 2017

Dear Wisconsin

Dear Wisconsin,

The Look of Love

Please keep this in mind.

Your friend and neighbor,

Underemployed




Friday, May 5, 2017

I'm Sure There's a Very Good Reason for This

Dear United States Senate,

But for the life of me I can't think of what it might be.

From The Hill:

"None of the 13 senators working on an ObamaCare repeal plan in the Senate are women."

 

Apparently you're relying on one of two things:
  1. Women will forget what total dickheads you are and go brain-dead as soon as they enter a voting booth.
  2. You'll be senile, dead, or so fucking rich you won't care.
Here's hoping you are very, very wrong.

Sincerely,

Ofdonald 

(the blogger formerly known as Underemployed)






Thursday, May 4, 2017

Ofdonald

Dear Mr. Trump,

...and while we were all looking at something shiny (health care bill), you signed something euphemistically called, "The Executive Order on Promoting Free Speech and Religious Liberty"...

...which might possibly make it easier for employers with religious objections (and misogynists, and greedy bastards) not to include contraception coverage in their workers' health care plans...

...one step closer to dystopia.

Regretfully yours,

Ofdonald
(once known as Underemployed)





Reality Check

Dear Ivanka,

You actually think you work for a living?

Just asking,

Underemployed





Monday, May 1, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm sorry that my previous letter was so cranky.  My cat's been sick and requires medication every twelve hours, the administration for which I need to be sober.

Let me try again:

Congratulations on surviving the Washington Swamp for one hundred whole days!  

And what a 100 Days it's been:
  1. Russians!
  2. Nazis!
  3. Beautiful women!
  4. Lies and deceits!
  5. Betrayals!
  6. Foreign agents!
  7. Spies!
  8. Bombs!
  9. Chocolate cake!
  10. Golf!
Thank you for making my life a James Bond movie, if only vicariously (I hope).  SO much more exciting than that old-maid-in-pants Obama!

I think I'll go lie down now,

Underemployed



Saturday, April 29, 2017

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."

REALLY?!?  

What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:
  1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
  2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
  3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
  4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
  5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
  6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
  7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
  8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
  9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
  10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
  11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
  12. Jeff Sessions.
(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed