Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tiny. Little. Short.

Are we talking about your time in the bunker, or your dick?

Just to be clear,

Underemployed

Exhibit A

Dear Speaker Pelosi,  

Forget all that stuff about Ukraine.  It's too complicated for the Jethrocrats.  Impeach him on the 25th Amendment.  Here's Exhibit A, from The Hill this morning:

I never understood wind,” Trump said. “I know windmills very much, I have studied it better than anybody. I know it is very expensive. They are made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here, almost none, but they are manufactured, tremendous — if you are into this — tremendous fumes and gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right?”

“So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint, fumes are spewing into the air, right spewing, whether it is China or Germany, is going into the air,” he continued.

“A windmill will kill many bald eagles,” Trump continued. “After a certain number, they make you turn the windmill off, that is true. By the way, they make you turn it off. And yet, if you killed one, they put you in jail. That is OK. But why is it OK for windmills to destroy the bird population?”

Clearly these are the ramblings of a madman.  Or a second grade science class essay.  Whichever.  You got him. 

And this is the only evidence you need.

Your fan,

Underemployed

Random Acts of Genius

When John Bolton becomes the Voice of Reason, you can be sure that space-time has folded in on itself and re-opened in an alternative universe.  There's just no other explanation.

And a note to Stephanie Grisham:  I freely - dare I say happily? - confess to being "totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great President".  In fact, I see it as a healthy sign that my brain still functions, in spite of three years of his random acts of genius.  I'm not a huge fan of John Kelly, but if what you said above really applies to him, I might reconsider.

  

Clearly, you're not so lucky.

Oppo Research

"Russia, if you're listening …"

Whatever, Girl

A Very Stable Genius

Individual 1

Dear Individual 1,

I dunno.  If I were Michael Cohen's father-in-law, I would be thinking that you're threatening a witness.  Right out in the open.  On TV, and in writing.

And if I were Robert Mueller, I'd be thinking the same thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying this.

Keep that genius stable,

Underemployed

Let Me Finish

Dear ex-Governor Christie,

I was checking out the news yesterday, wondering what new species of slime Robert Mueller had lately uncovered in his beau geste, and - lo! and behold! 

There you were.

On the SAME DAY that NumbNuts Giuliani dropped the hint that there MIGHT have been some "collusion" with foreign governments conducted by the Trump campaign (but not Trump, never Trump, oh no),  I was treated by excerpts from your new book (for lack of a better word), depicting the wailing and gnashing of teeth over your "friend Donald" (the never-colluding Mr. Trump) being used and led astray by a nefarious gaggle of - what were your subtle sobriquets? - 

"...amateurs, weaklings, grifters, convicted and unconvicted felons..." in the White House.

Shocking.  What's an illegitimately-elected pseudo-President to do?

If only you were there to help him realize his glorious vision of a newly-great America.  One that would give new meaning to the phrase - let me finish - "Soviet Union".

Am I reading that right?

Antipathically yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It warms the cockles of my heart to hear you label something you heard on "Fox & Friends" as Fake News.  And it's about time.

Could this be the start of something beautiful?  Like Republicans turning on themselves in an orgy of mass self-cannibalism?  One can only hope.

Wishfully thinking,

Underemployed

Dear Donald Trump, Jr.

Dear Junior,

Shave.

Post-pubescently yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Saw your press conference today.  And I have to say, whereas I appreciate your concern for the safety and well-being of the American Woman in the shadow of an "invasion" of Central American migrants, to tell the truth I'm more afraid of Brett Kavanaugh.

For real,

Underemployed

While You're at It

Dear Mr. Trump,

As long as you're picking apart the Constitution, can we address the "well regulated Militia" part of the Second Amendment?

Punctiliously yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I completely understand why you don't want to talk about all this "Bomb" stuff right now.  (I think I do.  God help me.)

So.

Can we talk about the stock market crashing instead?

Perceptively yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You do know that Fox News is playing you for a chump, right?

Think about it,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I have a natural instinct for surgery.  Can I do your next scalp reduction?

Call me,

Underemployed

Count Me Out

Dear Mr. Trump,

Per my previous request, please stop speaking on my behalf.  I, for one, as a free citizen of the "nation" you so blithely referred to in your little skit tonight, choose not to apologize to Brett Kavanaugh.

Mr. Kavanaugh, being - maybe - slightly smarter than you are, might possibly already understand this.  Have a drink, Brett, it will make you feel like a real Justice.

Not your nation,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I just saw you on TV, talking about how so many women are REALLY HAPPY about Brett Kavanaugh becoming a Supreme Court justice.

Really?

Well, the women I know - with a very few possible exceptions - think that Brett Kavanaugh, and Chuck Grassley, and Lindsey Graham, and Mitch McConnell, and the rest of the bottom feeder Republicans in Congress*, and Kellyanne Conway, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Rudy Giuliani, and Jared Kushner, and Steve Bannon, and Nikki Haley, and Steve Miller, and General Kelly, and Mike Pompeo, and John Bolton, and Betsy DeVos, and Steve Mnuchin, and Mike Pence, and Sonny Perdue, and Wilbur Ross, and Jeff Sessions, and Ryan Zinke, and Ben Carson, and Rick Perry, and Kirstjen Nielsen, and EVERYBODY at Fox News (hi, Hope!), and Ivanka, and Fredo, and Eric. 

And you.

Are deceitful, amoral, pusillanimous, idiot douchebags.

Did I leave anybody out?  Oh, what the heck.  And Ted Cruz.

Thought you should know,

Underemployed

*Not Lisa Murkowski.

For Your Information

Dear Mr. Trump,

Per your tweet of today about Brett Kavanaugh:  "The country is with him all the way."

No.

As a free American woman, let me state for the record, YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR ME.  Now or ever.  

Is that clear enough?  I mean, even for you?

Probably not,

Underemployed

Dear Donald

Dear Donald,

So just like that?  There's someone else?  That little fuck can't even shoot a tiger.

Excuse me, I have to go.  JUSTIN TRUDEAU is on the other line.

So over it,

Vladimir

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

In your dreams.

Stop calling me,

Kim Jong Un

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It took three glasses of wine, but I managed to listen to your entire disjointed, rambling, babble-packed press conference (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon.  Without entering a convent.  But just barely.

Dude, what was that?

1. A skillful and nefarious manipulation of language, power, and the media designed to deflect attention from your administration's disastrous occupation of the White House?
2. An appalling and calculated outpouring of lies, half-truths, veiled threats, and blame composing a series of desperate defenses against the indefensible?
3. An hour-and-a-half-long infomercial on dementia?

You got one thing right, though.

Women are SO angry.

Me too,

Underemployed