Dear Mitch McConnell

This just in, from CNN:

"McConnell to Spell Out Alabama Options for Trump"

Dear Mr. McConnell,

Use short, easy-to-understand sentences.  And no big words.

Good luck,

Underemployed

Dear Kayla Moore

Dear Mrs. Moore,

I hear you think Trump owes you and Roy-boy "...a thank you.  Have you noticed you are not hearing too much about Russia?"

Well, no, I haven't noticed that.  As fascinating as you are, you haven't quite occupied all the real estate in my brain yet.  The "Women for Moore" rally today was a bold attempt, though.  I read that literally dozens of women showed up.  Besides your sisters, cousins, neighbors, bible study class, and manicurist, of course.  

But as far as the Russia investigation goes, the latest developments are pretty riveting, especially with some testimony from Rob Goldstone (Russian colluder and Chris Christie clone extraordinaire, currently in an undisclosed location in Bangkok) on the horizon. 

And far from thanking you and the love-of-your-life, I'm going to venture a guess that His Orangeness would pretty much like to forget that the two of you exist.

If only,

Underemployed

P.S.  Don't wear sleeveless dresses.

Dear Alabama

And you thought Jeff Sessions was a psychopath.

Here's a glimpse at the heirs apparent to his vacant throne in Alabama.  From NBC News:

"...ahead of the August 15 primary to fill the Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the leading GOP candidates are accusing each other of showing insufficient loyalty to the president, whom they speak of with divine reverence.

"Incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who was appointed to fill the seat temporarily in February, called Trump's election a 'Biblical miracle.' Roy Moore, the twice-elected, twice-deposed Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, said, 'God…sent Donald Trump in there.' And Rep. Mo Brooks, a Tea Party favorite, has vowed to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until the president's border wall gets built."

(Now, I have it on good authority that there are normal people who live in Alabama, too.  How do they do it?  Do they just stay stoned all the time, like Willie Nelson in Texas?  Or do they just huddle in enclaves, shrouded in shared delusion?)

But wait, there's more:

"Two of Stranges' campaign ads feature him firing a handgun equipped with a silencer at 'Obama's amnesty plan' in order to call attention to his support for a bill to cut taxes on silencers."

(Seriously?  But I suppose that would be what one should expect from somebody named Luther Strange.)


Dear Alabama, 

Any chance you guys want to try to secede from the Union again?  I'm sure the rest of the country would be just fine with that now.

Think about it,

Underemployed