Thursday, August 30, 2018

Dear Beto O'Rourke

Dear Beto O'Rourke,

Your wife ever leaves you, you know where to find me.

Rock on,

Underemployed


Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Dear Lindsey Graham

Dear Lindsey Graham,

Keep playing your cards right, and you could be the next Rudy Giuliani.

Congratulations,

Underemployed

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Food for Thought

Dear Mr. Trump,

Is it possible - just maybe, mind you - that the reason you get negative results when you google yourself is that you are a really REALLY bad person/"president" and that NOBODY, in spite of what you may have been led to believe by certain self-interested parties, actually likes you?

Give it some thought.

(And, yes, you really are that orange.  Now google "weird hair".)

Searchingly yours,

Underemployed
  

Saturday, August 25, 2018

Rest in Peace

Blessings on you, John McCain.  America owes you her admiration, her respect, and her gratitude.  You gave us an ideal of a hero.

May those who love you find peace in their memories.  And may we continue to honor your legacy of bravery.

Friday, August 24, 2018

The Future

In the future, when the tales of our era have been written, and have found their way into the chronicles of history, our children will read about how Mr. Trump was taken down by Mr. Pecker.  

And they will laugh.

I hope.

Wednesday, August 22, 2018

Not So Fast

Bad Idea:  Impeach Donald Trump.

Hear me out.  Two words:  President.  Pence.

Could be even scarier.  The Great American Theocracy.  In other words, everything will still be awful, but he'll be doing it because that's what Jesus wants him to do.  At least that's what the voices are telling him.

I think I'd rather have someone who bribes porn stars.  


Sunday, August 19, 2018

Dear Michael Avenatti

Dear Mr. Avenatti,

St. Anthony heard my prayers and now you're running for President!  

I don't even care if you win or lose.  I just want to watch you on TV.  And don't go getting all reasonable and middle-of-the-road on me.  We have enough of those jadrools already.  Just give me some full-on, St. Louis Italian, and let the games begin.

I've been thinking about offering you my daughter Nicola's hand in marriage, you being without a wife at the moment.  But I'm going to wait and see how this plays out.  I really can't picture her as First Lady, unless you're okay with her sleeping in all morning and wearing flats.  But she's beautiful (like a Botticelli!), and makes sauce.  So things don't work out, keep it in mind.

In bocca al lupo.

Your fan,

Connie Staccato


Truth Isn't Truth

Per Rudy Giuliani.

I won't even elaborate on that.  Yes, Rudy, truth IS truth.  Go ask God.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Wow!  Your very first Stalinist purge!  Can gulags be far behind?

I'm in SUCH a tizzy about your security clearance hit list that I can't bring myself to pay ANY ATTENTION WHATSOEVER to:
  1. Omarosa.
  2. Paul Manafort.
  3. Roger Stone.
  4. your new bromance with Rand Paul.
  5. Ivanka's "low point".
  6. Michael Cohen.
  7. Wilbur Ross.
  8. the resuscitation of Steve Bannon.
  9. Melania's fashion choices.
  10. a sneaking feeling I have that Donald Jr. once dated Mariia Butina.
Just kidding, I'm paying attention to everything.  

Wish I were in Congress,

Underemployed



Sunday, August 12, 2018

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear White House Communications Lady Sanders,

I don't write about the White House ladies very often.  With the notable exception of Hope Hicks, you all seem so abjectly miserable.  At least when you're in front of a camera.  I can only assume, given the evidence of my eyes and ears, that you're:
  1. pathologically in need of attention.  Any kind of attention.
  2. dumb as a box of rocks.
  3. completely amoral.
  4. and/or
  5. scared shitless.
Whatever the reality is, the books are being written (can't wait for Bob Woodward's!) and we will all be enlightened some day.  And your problems will follow you long after Donald Trump is but an unpleasant memory.  So I try to confine myself to wishing that you'd just go home.

That being said, I had to drop you a line today.

Because I want to point out that there is something wonderfully, almost magically, pharisaical about you criticizing someone for their lack of character.

Team Omarosa,

Underemployed


Clowns and Losers

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're referring to members of the FBI as "clowns and losers"?  With that cabinet??

Ludicrously yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  Pardon me for asking, but did you buy your new teeth from Giuliani's dentist?


Thursday, August 9, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Stop picking on grandmothers.  It's lame.

Sorry about your dick,

Nancy Pelosi


Wednesday, August 8, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

My Creep-o-Meter is going off.

For some time now, I've been wondering why a senator from Kentucky would:
  1. be mugged by his own neighbor.
  2. suddenly become such a fervid devotee of the Orange Party.
  3. feel the need to visit Russia.
  4. perm his hair.
And I'm not coming up with anything that makes sense here.

Now I find out that Senator Paul had the "honor" of delivering a letter from you to Vladimir Putin.  (Note to Senator Paul:  Talk like an American.)  Which immediately conjured up visions of 5th grade and getting a friend to pass a note to your boy crush.  

And the juxtaposition is definitely creepy.

Since I can't imagine you as the author of any sort of a coherent letter, I am going to speculate that this "letter" was perhaps simply a list of names of people you would like to see win the mid-term elections.  For now, I'm going with that as a working hypothesis, until I get a plausible explanation.

Bafflingly yours,

Underemployed


Monday, August 6, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Let's see if I have this right.  Rich Republican guys are giving you gazillions of dollars to pay your legal bills.  And the best you can do is Jay Sekulow and Rudy Fucking Giuliani???

Giuliani clearly has cognitive challenges.  Seculow can't even buy a decent toupee, and thinks that facts can "evolve".  By which, I surmise, he means that he gets to change his story whenever the truth comes out.

Let's be real:
  1. Sekulow was lying.
  2. Sekulow is probably lying now, too.
  3. And - this is genius! - I'm willing to bet that he lies to you on a regular basis.
Apparently, staffing wasn't your strong point during your legendary career as a businessman.

You're fired,

Underemployed


Ohio Special Election

Dear Mr. Trump,

If I were you, I'd watch that "Danny Boy" stuff.  Unless, of course, you want to add several generations of Irish immigrants and their children to the list of immigrants you've already insulted.

Just a suggestion,

Underemployed


Sunday, August 5, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So the infamous Trump Tower Meeting was "totally legal" and "done all the time in politics".

Whew!  Thanks for clearing the whole thing up.  I knew that a "good boy" (your words) like Donald Jr. wouldn't do anything (advertently) wrong.  In spite of the severed elephant's tail, and the fact that he thinks silencers are a good way to introduce children to guns.  Oh, and the cheating on his wife thing.  But, you know, the son of a frog is himself a frog, and all that.  

Yeah.  

Well.  

Let's move on.

At any rate, now we know that meeting up with foreigners to get dirt on one's political opponent is completely legit.  And that makes me happy.

It makes me happy because - if I'm reading this right and Lord knows I'm trying - this means that the infamous Steele Dossier is also completely legit.  And that Robert Mueller and his sundry investigations are safe and sound and alive and well.

And you're going to stop whining about it, right?  

By the way, please tell Ivanka that Nirvana plus blue hair does not equal punk.  I think she might have missed something there.

Gleefully,

Underemployed


Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Dear White House Officials

Dear White House Officials,

I finally figured out why you have weekly Bible study classes:  you're looking for loopholes.

Thy neighbor,

Underemployed