Sunday, March 3, 2019

Vote for Connie!

Today's special guest is Connie Staccato, who has just announced her candidacy for President of the United States.

Underemployed:  So, you're running for President.

CS:  Sure.  Why not?  Everybody else is. 

Underemployed:  Ms. Staccato - excuse me, is that Ms.?  Or Miss?  Or Mrs.?

CS:  It's definitely Mrs., and believe me, I've earned it.

Underemployed:  Okay.  Mrs. Staccato, are you running as a Republican or a Democrat?

CS:  Neither.  I'm running as a Vera.

Underemployed:  I'm sorry, I've never heard of the Vera Party.

CS:  The Vera Party is named for a woman envisioned by the writer Dave Barry.  If I remember correctly, in Mr. Barry's perfect world, the President has to get permission from Vera before he can do anything.

Underemployed:  Can you provide an example?

CS:  Sure.  For instance, the President would have to go to Vera and say, "Vera, can I spend 5 billion dollars on a border wall, when there are half-a-million homeless people in America?"  And Vera would say, "No."

Underemployed:  So you're a Vera.

CS:  Damn skippy.

Underemployed:  And what platform are you running on?

CS:  I'm keeping it simple.  I want to focus my energy on the two issues that are going to make this country a better place.  The first one is Paid Leave for Menopause.

Underemployed:  What do you mean by that?

CS:  When I say "leave" I mean leave.  Like leave the country.  Fully funded by the federal government.  Anywhere you want to go.  You come back when it's over.  Trust me, your family won't miss you.  And you won't miss your husband, unless you need somebody to kill a spider or something.

Underemployed:  And the second issue?

CS:  National Naptime.  Do you watch the news?  I think we all need a nap.

Underemployed:  Mrs. Staccato, you have my endorsement.  And my vote.

CS:  Thanks.  I'll be back in the United States in time for the election.  Maybe sooner, if I see any spiders.

Underemployed:  Can you leave us with a message for your supporters?

CS:  Yes.  Menopause for All!




Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Friday, January 18, 2019

Individual 1

Dear Individual 1,

I dunno.  If I were Michael Cohen's father-in-law, I would be thinking that you're threatening a witness.  Right out in the open.  On TV, and in writing.

And if I were Robert Mueller, I'd be thinking the same thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying this.

Keep that genius stable,

Underemployed


Thursday, January 17, 2019

Sophomoric

Dear Lindsey Graham,

sophomoric:
adjective
"pretentious or juvenile"

Sort of like your little stunt during the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing, no?

Judge not, lest ye...etc.,

Underemployed


Let Me Finish

Dear ex-Governor Christie,

I was checking out the news yesterday, wondering what new species of slime Robert Mueller had lately uncovered in his beau geste, and - lo! and behold! 

There you were.

On the SAME DAY that NumbNuts Giuliani dropped the hint that there MIGHT have been some "collusion" with foreign governments conducted by the Trump campaign (but not Trump, never Trump, oh no),  I was treated by excerpts from your new book (for lack of a better word), depicting the wailing and gnashing of teeth over your "friend Donald" (the never-colluding Mr. Trump) being used and led astray by a nefarious gaggle of - what were your subtle sobriquets? - 

"...amateurs, weaklings, grifters, convicted and unconvicted felons..." in the White House.

Shocking.  What's an illegitimately-elected pseudo-President to do?

If only you were there to help him realize his glorious vision of a newly-great America.  One that would give new meaning to the phrase - let me finish - "Soviet Union".

Am I reading that right?

Antipathically yours,

Underemployed




Sunday, November 25, 2018

A Farewell to Arms

Hear any good jokes lately?

Me neither.

Unless you want to count Nikki Haley's farewell lovefest, where she promised to campaign for "this guy" and waxed poetic about Jared Kushner's "hidden genius" (good Lord, I hope we've seen the last of her, but I'm not optimistic).  And possibly Trump's call for decorum was funny, or would be funny if it weren't so freakishly bizarre coming from the calumnious mouth of President Surly.

Actually, it was pretty funny.  So maybe it's me.  

It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to find the silver linings of humor amongst the clouds in Trump's brain.  Likewise for the bottom-feeders who encourage him.  His supporters are funny only when you turn off the sound and look at what they're wearing.  And the only thing funny about Jeff Sessions (besides his ears) was Kate McKinnon.

I have Trump Fatigue.  With any luck, it's contagious.

So I'm winding this down.  I don't want to degenerate into just another sour, angry voice.  And I have confidence in our newly elected Democrats in Congress.  This is NOT to say, however, that I won't be back if Sarah Sanders runs off with Kellyanne Conway's husband.  Or if Donald Jr. runs for Senator of Alabama.  

I'll leave you with two things.

First, I have the perfect solution to Russian influence in our elections.  Get off of Facebook.  And Twitter.  And whatnot.  Now.  No excuses.  Easy, right?  And remember, the Internet is for one thing:  shopping.

And secondly, this shocker from a biography of the Trump family which my husband gave me to read for research purposes (and which, thank God, I no longer need):

Eric is the smart one.