Saturday, July 28, 2018

Good to Know

Dear Mr. Trump,

You recently said, 

"What you're seeing and what you're reading is not what's happening."


You mean there isn't a large, flabby, orange, greedy, stupid, uneducated, possibly senile, certainly sociopathic, compulsive liar with the temperament and moral reasoning of a clinically paranoid two-year-old, cherishing delusions of grandeur, white supremacy, and world domination, currently occupying the Oval Office, surrounded by a pack of equally repulsive offspring, lawyers, "advisors", and invertebrate politicians?

Oh.

Good to know.

Figmentally yours,

Underemployed



Dear Darrell Issa

Dear Representative Issa,

You know what I've noticed about liars?  They think everybody else is lying, too.

Spuriously yours,

Underemployed


Monday, July 23, 2018

Contempt of Congress

As entertaining as I find a celebrity smack-down between Whoopi Goldberg and Judge Jeanine Pirro, it's the guys who have my attention today.  Specifically, the ones in Congress.  Here are some random thoughts and observations:
  1. Trey Gowdy.  I noticed the new haircut.  A little punk, a little Jamie Lee Curtis.  Don't get me wrong, I approve.  It makes you look a lot less like a Death Eater.  I also noticed the 2nd-day beard, and I think you're getting ready to go full-on Al Gore.  
  2. Lindsey Graham.  Obviously, hanging out with John McCain didn't leave much of an impression on you.  
  3. The Manchurian Randicate, Rand Paul.  You announced today that you're "honestly undecided" about whether you're going to support Brett "White Bread and Mayonnaise" Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court.  (A perfect opportunity for a dweeb to grab a few headlines that don't involve assault charges.)  Well, I have "honestly decided" that you'll do anything Trump says.  Which makes me wonder what he's got on you.
  4. That Loser from Georgia.  My daughter thinks Sacha Baron Cohen is going to save the world.  And I'm beginning to think she's right.
  5. Marco Rubio.  Looking good, Marco.  Keep it up and you will be just the guy to knock Trump out of the box in 2020, if he makes it that far.  However, at some point you might want to consider putting a little daylight between you and Ivanka.  Just a thought. 
Also on my radar:  Devin Nunes, Dana Rohrabacher, Jim Jordan, and Jason Lewis.  I'm looking forward to hearing more from you boys.  

Hopefully, real soon.


Saturday, July 21, 2018

My Favorite President

Well, I think he was a very good president, but I wouldn't say Barack Obama did nothing wrong!


Thursday, July 19, 2018

Dear Representative Jason Lewis

Dear Representative Lewis,

That word is reserved for me.  And my fellow sluts.

You slut.

Sincerely,

Underemployed


Trump Derangement Syndrome

Dear Senator Paul,

I agree that Trump Derangement Syndrome exists.  However, I disagree on the symptoms.

A person with Trump Derangement Syndrome acts like a scared rabbit with a gun being held to its head.  Like you.  And Kirstjen Nielsen.  Among so many others.

What you describe is called, "Trump Anxiety".

 And the only cure for that is a presidentectomy.

Diagnostically yours,

Underemployed

 

Dear Kirstjen Nielsen

Dear Secretary Nielsen,

I have looked into my crystal ball and have seen your future:
  1. The public displays of the shocking depth of your idiocy,
  2. Will basically render you unemployable for life.
  3. And you will be reduced to appearing on talk shows, where people will make fun of you.
  4. Sort of like Sarah Palin,
  5. But not as funny.
And "Kirstjen Nielsen" will be defined by Urban Dictionary as "That one girl in high school nobody liked."

Nice going,

Underemployed


Dear George Will

Dear Mr. Will,

Word salads and the Oval playpen:


Thank you again,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Please stop calling the news media "the Enemy of the People".  It makes you sound so...what's the word I'm looking for here...?

Despotic.

Irrepressibly yours,

Underemployed


Dear Mariia Butina

Dear Mariia,

That new jumpsuit is just FABULOUS with your hair!

Your fellow fashion girl,

Underemployed


The Long Walk Back

Dear Mr. Trump,

In reference to your press conference with Vladimir Putin:

Aside from the outrage and skepticism of everybody with a functioning cerebral cortex, I think you might have emerged the winner in the "would/wouldn't" controversy of late.  I mean, when the laughter subsided, we all just moved on to the next catastrophe, right?

Which brings me to my point.

"An incredible idea!" you said.  (Twice, by my count.)  And it's on video which makes it harder to blame the "fake news" (though that didn't deter you when it came to your Theresa May comments).

You were referring to Putin's generous offer to allow Special Counsel Mueller access to interviews with the indicted Russian hackers.  In exchange for allowing Russia to question certain American citizens "of interest" to them.

I don't think that's gonna fly.

I'm guessing even YOU won't be able to sell this idea.  So you'll have to walk it back:  What did you really mean?  What did you really say?  What did you really mean to say?

And I have some suggestions.

Instead of "incredible", you meant to say:
  1. "indelible"
  2. "inedible"
  3. "ineffable"
  4. "insensible"
  5. "illegible"
  6. "illiberal"
  7. "intangible"
  8. "impeccable"
  9. "umbilical"
  10. "hilarious"
None of this makes sense, of course, which you would realize if you could read.  (How about "impeachable"?  That would make sense.)

But people are used to that.  I can imagine the august members of your "base" nodding sagely and saying, "See?  He just misspoke."

Incredible. 

Unfathomably yours,

Underemployed




Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Grammar Police

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't know a double negative if it bit you on the ass.

Grammatically yours,

Underemployed


Monday, July 16, 2018

Helsinki

Dear Mr. Trump,

Personally, I think you looked - and sounded - straight-up, flat-out terrified.

Of what?  One might wonder.

Curiously yours,

Underemployed



Sunday, July 15, 2018

Dear Michael Avenatti

Dear Michael Avenatti,

"...every time I watch him work, I think, 'This is what it must have been like to see the Sistine Chapel being painted.'" 

- Stormy Daniels

I couldn't have said it better myself.

And I love how she brings the Holy Father into play here.  Seriously, you guys are keeping me off the Galliano.

In bocca al lupo,

Connie Staccato
President
Italian-Americans Against that Boombots in the White House


Friday, July 13, 2018

Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Congressman Ryan,

No, your car was not "eaten by animals."

Your car was eaten by me, my friend Jan, and thousands of angry, rabid Wisconsin voters.  With our bare teeth.  And we're still hungry.

My advice:  Don't buy a Lamborghini.

You've been warned,

Underemployed


Tuesday, July 10, 2018

The Big Reveal

Three things more interesting than Donald Trump's Big Reveal on Monday night:
  1. The Thai children trapped in the cave.
  2. The immigrant children trapped in the United States.
  3. George Clooney's pelvis.
I admit that I wondered - briefly - if Trump would use his "Mussolini" face or his "I'm a big boy now!" face for the occasion.  Mercifully, the curiosity was not overwhelming enough to inspire me to turn on the television.

So I guess I'll never know.


Saturday, July 7, 2018

It's Perfectly Simple

  1. Google Donald Trump.
  2. Google Robert Mueller.
  3. Read their biographies.
Enough said.


Dear State Senator Steve Fitzgerald

Dear State Senator Fitzgerald,

"Outside of Western civilization, there is only barbarism."

You can say this?  With that beard???

Woof,

Underemployed


Nursery Rhyme

Pussy Grab, Pussy Grab, where have you been?
I've been to London to visit the queen.
Pussy Grab, Pussy Grab, what did you there?
I saw a big Trump Baby up in the air!

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Dear Sadiq Khan

Dear Mayor Khan,

Thank you.  We'll be watching.

Your cousin across the pond,

The United States


The Next President

Judging from the depth of my revulsion whilst reading excerpts from Scott Pruitt's resignation letter today, I predict that the next president of the United States will be the first Republican who says to Donald Trump,  "Fuck you. You're an asshole."  Children of Trump excepted.  I hope.

I can't be the only person thinking this.