Let Me Finish

Dear ex-Governor Christie,

I was checking out the news yesterday, wondering what new species of slime Robert Mueller had lately uncovered in his beau geste, and - lo! and behold! 

There you were.

On the SAME DAY that NumbNuts Giuliani dropped the hint that there MIGHT have been some "collusion" with foreign governments conducted by the Trump campaign (but not Trump, never Trump, oh no),  I was treated by excerpts from your new book (for lack of a better word), depicting the wailing and gnashing of teeth over your "friend Donald" (the never-colluding Mr. Trump) being used and led astray by a nefarious gaggle of - what were your subtle sobriquets? - 

"...amateurs, weaklings, grifters, convicted and unconvicted felons..." in the White House.

Shocking.  What's an illegitimately-elected pseudo-President to do?

If only you were there to help him realize his glorious vision of a newly-great America.  One that would give new meaning to the phrase - let me finish - "Soviet Union".

Am I reading that right?

Antipathically yours,

Underemployed

Yet Still Another Hero

America has yet still another hero:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Mueller

Lest we forget.

And Now a Bit of Fun

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUcGGVTme3w

We can dream, can't we?

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So the infamous Trump Tower Meeting was "totally legal" and "done all the time in politics".

Whew!  Thanks for clearing the whole thing up.  I knew that a "good boy" (your words) like Donald Jr. wouldn't do anything (advertently) wrong.  In spite of the severed elephant's tail, and the fact that he thinks silencers are a good way to introduce children to guns.  Oh, and the cheating on his wife thing.  But, you know, the son of a frog is himself a frog, and all that.  

Yeah.  

Well.  

Let's move on.

At any rate, now we know that meeting up with foreigners to get dirt on one's political opponent is completely legit.  And that makes me happy.

It makes me happy because - if I'm reading this right and Lord knows I'm trying - this means that the infamous Steele Dossier is also completely legit.  And that Robert Mueller and his sundry investigations are safe and sound and alive and well.

And you're going to stop whining about it, right?  

By the way, please tell Ivanka that Nirvana plus blue hair does not equal punk.  I think she might have missed something there.

Gleefully,

Underemployed

It's Perfectly Simple

1. Google Donald Trump.
2. Google Robert Mueller.
3. Read their biographies.

Enough said.

Too Good

If you're taking a break from watching the bombing of Syria, make sure you don't miss this little beauty:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/mueller-has-evidence-that-trump-lawyer-met-in-prague-with-russians-during-campaign-sources-say/ar-AAvRnHE?ocid=spartandhp

It's just too good.

Cheatin' Obama

Wow.  That was a long time coming.  

Good job, Spanky.  More evidence of your stable genius.  I'm sure he cried himself to sleep.  Personally, I think you could have done better, but I understand you have a lot on your mind.  Like what Mr. Mueller meant by "not at this point".  

Now come up with a snappy nickname for Putin.

I dare you.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tell me something:  Why haven't you given Barack Obama his very own Trump nickname?

I mean, we have Crooked Hillary, Lyin' Ted, Cryin' Chuck, Sloppy Steve, Sneaky Diane, Mr. Magoo, Pocahontas, Dicky, Low Energy Jeb, Psycho Joe, Crazy Bernie, Crazy Megyn, Crazy Jim, Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Liddle Bob, Little Adam, Little Marco, and Little Rocket Man.  We even have a Dodgy Dossier.

(The "crazies" outnumber the "littles", which outnumber the rest, and I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with that.)

But nothing for Barack?  No questioning of sanity?  Nothing about his physical appearance that you find noteworthy?

Maybe I can help.  I think it should be alliterative.  How about:

1. Bumbling Barack
2. Boring Barack
3. Baleful Barack
4. Bad Vibes Barack
5. Boisterous Barack
6. Bonkers Barack
7. Banal Barack
8. Born in Kenya, Probably a Muslim Barack
9. Blatherin' Barack
10. Bouncy Barack

For the record, none of these are true, but that doesn't seem to be a factor in your choice of appellations. 

If nothing else, the debut of a Trump nickname for Mr. Obama will draw some attention away from the fact that Mr. Mueller and his grand jury have recently subpoenaed all of your (and your best friends') documents going back to 2015.  

And isn't that the point?

In anticipation,

Underemployed

Dear Robert Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

What's your mailing address?  I wanna send you a calzone!

Your fan,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent
(and a really good cook)

"Unwitting Individuals"

And who's more unwitting than Donald Trump?

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I don't think you quite understand this whole Special Counsel/FBI "prosecutorial bias" thing.

I know those are big, fancy words, but I think I can give you some insight into the situation. Apparently, your family/friends/staff have not yet done so, probably for the following reasons:

1. They would be forced to acknowledge their own dismal unpopularity with...um...well, everybody.
2. They're afraid you'll stop giving them money.
3. They're really not very bright.

Here's the real deal: 

The truth is, if one were to sample ANY random group of human beings on this planet - possibly including your immediate family - one would find a remarkably high percentage of people who find you contemptible.

And that's because you are.

Veraciously yours,

Underemployed

Begging Your Pardon

Dear Mr. Trump,

So your gang of castrati orchestrates a smear campaign against the Special Counsel and the FBI, paving the way for you to pardon all the poor innocents being abused by those mean old Hillary-loving bastards. 

I mean, what other choice do you have?  That's what everybody* says.

And your henchmen don't feel the need to "flip" and you don't have to fire Robert Mueller.  Do I have that right?

Just wondering,

Underemployed

*nobody

Silly Me

Trump isn't going to do anything too stupid (on the Trump scale) until he gets the Jared Kushner Rescue Fund and Tax Bill passed.

So Omarosa is really the smokescreen for the tax bill swindle.  My mistake (see previous post, I Hope). 

Mueller's got another week.

I Hope

I hope - I sincerely hope - that Mr. Trump is not going to use all this drama with Omarosa as a smokescreen for firing Robert Mueller.

If I were a cynical person, I might speculate it was concocted for that very purpose...

Dear Robert Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

Go get 'em, Bob.

Thankfully yours,

Underemployed

Trump Tostado

Vaya con Dios.  It's just a matter of time...

Dear Mr. Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

I hope this is going to be like that scene in a movie where the bully finally gets his ass kicked.

Your fan,

Underemployed

Friday Night Sleights

Dear Mr. Trump,

Thank you for saving my marriage.

For some time now, my husband and I have spent our evenings in our rocking chairs, watching reruns of "Upstairs, Downstairs", and wondering, "Where did the magic go?"

Then YOU came along, and one of the benefits (the only one, actually) of your tenure in the White House has been Friday nights.  Now, each and every Friday night, we eagerly await the hour (which is exactly one hour after Wolf Blitzer signs off the air) when all hell breaks loose in Washington, D.C.  Et voila!  Enough excitement and drama to last us a whole week.  Along with anxiety, uncertainty, incredulity, fear and loathing.  Nuclear War Weekend was particularly stimulating.

So, thanks. 

However, I must say that last week's Friday night news dump - while impressive - was a little uninspiring.  Which is odd, given that your spectacular performance as a human spittoon managed to outshine Hurricane Harvey:

1. You pardoned Joe Arpaio.  (Which means you finally managed to do something that even God couldn't do.)
2. You let it leak that you'll be ending the Dreamer program next time you're in a bad mood.  (Oh, yes, you did.  I've known for quite some time now that you're one of the "leakers".)
3. You fired Comrade Gorka.  (Won't do you any good.)
4. You made it official that LGBT people are no longer welcome to get their asses shot off in defense of the country.  (Can the draft be far behind?)
5. The Wall Street Journal reported that Mr. Mueller thinks that two of your homies, Mike Flynn and Peter Smith, might have been in touch - on a nefarious matter - with a mutual friend named Yorgy, who weighs 400-pounds and sits on his bed.  In Moscow.  (No kidding.)
6. And you headed off to Camp David (I didn't know it had a golf course) during one of the biggest natural disasters in U.S. history.  (The USA cap was a nice, though somewhat unconvincing, touch.)

But none of it was - you know - funny.  Maybe I've just been missing The Mooch.

So I waited.  And was rewarded.

Lo-and-behold, like manna from heaven, along comes Felix Sater, your bosom buddy and former "senior advisor".  (Whyever did you let him print those business cards?)

I have a feeling that we're going to be hearing a lot about Mr. Sater in the future.  He has all the makings of a great Trump sideshow:

1. He was born in Russia.
2. He's a New York real estate developer.
3. He has mob connections.
4. He was convicted of stock fraud.
5. He's an FBI informant.  And he's currently cooperating with the FBI on an international money laundering scheme.

The stuff of dreams.  Oh, this guy is going to sing like a canary.

But Mr. Sater's real claim to fame is that he once did a year in the slammer for - are you ready? - "assaulting a man with the stem of a broken margarita glass".

Top that, Anthony Scaramucci.

Eternally grateful,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

Please hurry. 

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/moscow-in-talks-with-us-to-create-cyber-working-group-ria-report/ar-AAoucbH

Desperately yours,

Underemployed