Saturday, September 30, 2017

Dear Eric Trump

Dear Eric,

I'm so glad you don't mind it when NFL players stand and link arms.  I was worried.



Dear Ann Coulter

Dear Ann,

You find Mike Pence attractive and dignified?  Sad!  (Actually, that explains a lot.)

In deepest sympathy,


Another Prediction

Trump will resign (medical reasons, heel spurs?) as soon as Congress passes his tax bill (which they will).  I have a feeling it's the only reason why the powers that be (i.e., the very rich people who own Congress) allowed him to be president in the first place.

As soon as Ivanka starts packing up her Post-its, you can start counting the days...

Friday, September 29, 2017

Candygram for Mongo!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Now that I have your attention, can we talk?
  1. Congratulations on being the most "tweeted about world leader" at the United Nations General Assembly.  I wonder if you realize that most of those tweets were multi-language variations on "What an asshole!"  
  2. Tell Steve Bannon, the next time you guys are sharing a pizza, that the Alabamans who voted for Roy Moore are a pack of morons.  But then again, so are the ones who voted for Luther Strange.   
  3. Thank you for sharing the revelation that Puerto Rico " an island.  Surrounded by...big water, ocean water."  My husband finds this endearing.  I do not.
  4. Speaking of Puerto Rico, I'm glad to hear that things are going "really well" there.  Remind me to add "really well" to The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary.
  5. That's some tax cut you're promoting:  "giant, beautiful, massive".  (You left out "turgid" and "throbbing".)  Rip my bodice, and I'm sold.
  6. Please explain how a puffy, orange, old draft dodger - who has publicly ridiculed John McCain as "not a war hero" - can be questioning the respect of protesting athletes for the United States military. 
In the theater of the absurd that is now America, it is only appropriate that your administration be brought down by socially conscious members of the National Football League.

And speaking of sports, I have a sort of Fantasy Team in my head for a re-make of Blazing Saddles.  Until recently, I had only cast Barack Obama as Sheriff Bart and Joe Biden as The Waco Kid. 

But now, I think you'd be perfect as "The Pres", and wouldn't Mike Pence make a wonderful Hedley Lamarr?

As for Lili von Shtupp...

Too obvious?

Contumaciously yours,


Monday, September 25, 2017

Dear Susan Collins

Dear Senator Collins,

Thank you.  I will sleep well tonight.  Though I would sleep even better if somebody would shut down President Pumpkinhead's Twitter account.  (Time for some aggressive action, General Kelly, don't you think?)

I would also like you to know that you are my hero and my role model and I want to be you when I grow up.  

And if you run for president, I will send you money.

Your fan,


Sunday, September 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Let me see if I have this straight.

So, standing with your arms linked is good and kneeling is bad.  And this is because... say so?

I think it would clear up a lot of confusion and save us all a lot of drama if you would just publish a list of body stances acceptable to your regime.

Patriotically yours,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You've really gotten yourself into a pickle, haven't you?

Setting aside the very real consequences of hurling childish insults at North Korea, you've managed to tick off both the NFL and the NBA in the same week.  For patriotic reasons, you say, though even a casual investigation of your life will indicate that your "patriotism" is a relatively recent development.  (Those bone spurs can be a real prob, no?)

You even went so far as to call an athlete a "son of a bitch" in public, on TV, in front of a cheering (and badly-dressed) crowd.  Not a good move for a pudgy old orange dude, but that's why you pay your bodyguards, I suppose.

You're calling for players to be fired, and a fan boycott.  Good luck with that.  I'm pretty sure that the majority of people who actually take you seriously are just going to ignore you on this.

The response from the sports world has been heartening:  Steph Curry, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Bruce Maxwell, Robert Kraft (count me as a born-again Patriots fan), Shad Khan, Roger Goodell, amongst others have basically told you to fuck off.  

Today is Sunday.  It's almost kick-off time.  This might be a defining moment for you.

I hope so.

Can Colin Kaepernick have a job now?

Go Bears,


Saturday, September 23, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Sweet home Alabama!  So you had a rip-snortin', foot-stompin' good time with thousands of people you would normally find highly unattractive.  Good for you.  You're always much more...shall we say..."newsworthy" after your handlers arrange for you to be in front of a bunch of illiterates for a while. 

But you should lighten up on the big-crowd-size thing, because you're only drawing attention to how small we suspect you are in every other respect and, anyway, at this point we're pretty sure your fans are paid.

I'd like to take this opportunity to address a few of your points:
  1. There's a difference between "Little Rocket Man" and "Little Marco".  Little Rocket Man has nuclear weapons at his disposal; Little Marco does not.
  2. Remember when you said John McCain wasn't a war hero?  So does he.
  3. I think it's probably not a good idea to profanely condemn an NFL player's respectful protest gesture.  It further blurs the distinction between Kim Jong Un and you.
  4. The Wall:  "If you can't see through it, you don't know who's on the other side."  I can solve that mystery:  Mexicans.
  5. Luther Strange:  "I might have made a mistake..."  Well, that's a ringing endorsement.  Not that I care.
But the number one issue about the Alabama rally:  Were you kidding with that tie?

Sartorially yours,


Friday, September 22, 2017

Dear John McCain

Dear Senator McCain,

You've done it again!

"I cannot in good conscience vote for the Graham-Cassidy proposal."

Sir, you are my kind of hero.

From a mother's heart, thank you.

Respectfully yours,


Dear Melania

Dear Melania,

I hear you want to stop bullies.  Why don't you start with your own husband?

Skeptically yours,


Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Dear Jimmy Kimmel

Dear Mr. Kimmel,

I, too, have a child with a life-threatening (and expensive!) pre-existing condition.  Please accept my sincere appreciation for standing up to those heartless bastards who would have no problem ruining our lives if they thought it would buy them a vote.

Thank you for using your voice in our defense.

And though I have long surrendered myself to blankets and bunny slippers by the time your show comes on, I want you to know that I love you.  

Gratefully yours,


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Dear Paul Manafort

Dear Mr. Manafort,

You do realize that if it weren't for leaks, we wouldn't get any news at all.

Just saying,


Dear GOP Senators

Dear GOP Senators,

You do realize that all these health-care theatrics have NOTHING to do with what might be good for the American people and EVERYTHING to do with obliterating any fond memories they might still have of Barack Obama.


Because if Obamacare were called "Trumpcare", the current resident of the White House would be touting it as the greatest health care system ever:

"Historic.  Believe me.  And I know health care better than anybody because...well...maybe I know some people who actually use it.  Anyway, I've heard many people's tremendous.  Everybody knows.  A lot of people say so..."

It is slowly dawning on me that the future of this planet is entirely dependent on the outcome of a phantasmagorical popularity contest being conducted entirely within the none-too-stable mind of a raving lunatic. 

And, as if that weren't enough, he's orange.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

What I really don't get is why fifty (okay, 48) apparently sane people  - elected with the full faith of their constituencies - should be going along with it.

You must have your reasons.  (I'm not sure I want to go there.)  But you do realize that when this half-assed health care plan goes haywire - and it will - everybody's going to blame you, not him.

So please act like grown-ups.  Or at least bipeds with a healthy self-preservation instinct.

Fretfully yours,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

After listening to your address to the United Nations this morning, it occurred to me that there are those that might take issue with some of your key points:
  1. Native Americans
  2. African Americans
  3. Women
  4. Historians
  5. Atheists
  6. Socialists
  7. China
  8. Countries (non-specific) who are going to hell (you know who you are)
  9. God (also non-specific)
  10. Elton John
And is it my imagination, or were you considerably more orange this morning?

Just asking,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It's me, your old friend, and I take back every rotten thing I've ever said about you. 

I was just kidding, anyway.  My admirable colleague, Chris Collins (R-N.Y., not very bright), says you are "just a fun guy", so I'd like to think that you've enjoyed many a good laugh at my political shenanigans.  But I promise I'll never do it again.

Let's start over.  We can make this work.

For you, O Tremendous One Of Tall Towers and Huge Hands, my Republican friends and I are willing to SACRIFICE THE WELL-BEING OF EVERY PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY, as well as our collective integrity, that we may bask anew in the warmth of your orange glow.

To show our sincerity and esteem, we've cooked up a humdinger of a health care bill that we think we can ram through the Senate before September 30th.  This is our gift, and proof of rudimentary competence, to you.  So you don't feel like you have to look elsewhere for the love and appreciation you so crave and deserve.  The bill is actually even worse than any of the other ones we've tried to pull off, if that's possible, but who cares?  Only Democrats.  Oh, and any Americans who need decent health care, but only the ones north of the Mason-Dixon line who can read and/or aren't passed out on opioids. 

They'll come around.  They always do.  Even the Democrats will, if we legalize marijuana.  Trust me.  All will be forgotten and forgiven by November 2018.

I hope. 

Now please stop eating Chinese food with Nancy Pelosi.  It's more than I can bear.

Faithfully yours forever and ever, until the end of time,

And I really mean it,

Lindsey Graham

Monday, September 18, 2017

Notes on a UN Meeting

From the desk of Donald J. Trump:

Today's Agenda
  1. Meeting at the United Nations (some people are saying the biggest ever).
  2. Lunch.
  3. (Golf?)
  4. Dinner.
  5. Bedtime (ask General Kelly if I can watch TV first).

Notes to self:
  1. Start UN meeting by talking about my dick.
  2. Not my real dick (too small, illegal),
  3. But the building across the street (TRUMP WORLD TOWER),
  4. Which is very BIG, really.  Huge.  Tremendous.
  5. Say some stuff about reform.
  6. Tell them about how I'm going to make the United Nations great.
  7. Like I'm making America Great Again!
  8. Give examples.
  9. Like...?
  10. Hmmm...
  11. Maybe...?
  12. Or...
  13. (Ask Mike Pence for examples.)
  14. Or just be vague (easy).
  15. Or lie (usually works).
Some HBCU people might drop by the White House.  Tell Kellyanne to keep her feet off the furniture.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

I have heard about your concern that some people have created "unrealistic expectations" of you.

(I'm sorry about that.  If it makes you feel any better, I would say that you have totally met my expectations of you, namely that you hang around looking like a blonde Kardashian.  Take comfort, you do that admirably.)

But, so soon after "'Daddy, can I come with you' to North Dakota?"

Girl, what gives?

Are you telling us that you are no such "voice of reason" within the White House?  So why do you need an office (at the taxpayer's expense, I'm sure) next to the head of the National Security Council?  Why not just a daybed and your bunny slippers in Daddy's office?  With such limited influence over His Orangeness, what would you have us believe about that (well-publicized) trip to North Dakota?
  1. That you really do have influence?
  2. Or you think you do?
  3. Or you had an overwhelming and irresistible urge to visit North Dakota?
Instead of berating those poor souls you believe to have unrealistic expectations, why not show some compassion for the pitiful psyches battered to the point of being desperate enough to endow you with savior status.

However, I think your trials are at an end.  It's safe to go back to New York, where you can live happily without all those pesky expectations.  

We've got Chuck Schumer now.

Unrealistically yours,


Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Dear Steve Bannon

Dear Mr. Bannon,

Nice "wingman" work on Ted Cruz!  Though mean-spirited bullying is not normally my cup of tea, I do admit that watching Republicans cannibalize each other is sort of a guilty pleasure.

I have a favor to ask.  As long as you've declared war on the GOP, can I give you my wish list?

Here they are, in no particular order:
  1. Mike Pence,
  2. Steve Miller,
  3. Javanka,
  4. Donald Jr.,
  5. Donald Sr.,
  6. Kellyanne Conway,
  7. Mitch McConnell,
  8. Paul Ryan,
  9. Sean Hannity,
  10. And, of course, yourself.
There are more - many more - like the fat moron in Texas who wants to fight a duel with Susan Collins, but that's the B-list.  This is a good start.  

Please note I've left out foreign nationals.

Keep it coming,


Saturday, September 9, 2017

Dear Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus

Dear Sean and Reince,

Remember the game "Life" from your childhood?  Not the 1980's revamp that had squares that told you to "Recycle!", but the old, dark version that had blue pegs for boys, pink pegs for girls, and...


Dudes, this is your moment.

If it were served up on a silver platter, if a leprechaun had left it at the end of a rainbow, if Santa Claus had dropped it down your chimney with a big red bow, you could not have been gifted a more golden opportunity.

Though you left Mr. Trump's employ still kissing his hem, and you've had some time to calm down, remember the Sicilians (who know) say that revenge is a dish best served cold.

Ask Scaramucci.  Who, I'm sure, is chomping at the bit.  Or Chris Christie, who's thinking that a job with CNN might be just the thing.  Both Sicilians.

As am I.  And I'm waiting.

This week, Sean and Reince, you are to report to the principal's office.  Where you get to rat on the biggest bully in the school.  This is the chance of a lifetime.

Make me proud,


Friday, September 8, 2017

Dear Kid Rock

Dear Kid Rock,

You've been quite the controversial little devil these days!  But I guess we all need some time in the sun, and you - being 45 years old and beginning to resemble everybody's creepy uncle - probably should get yours while the going's good.  Your cover of Ted Nugent's personality is wearing a little thin, and I'm getting the impression that it won't be enough for you to end up as a White House D-lister, reduced to taking selfies with Sarah Palin.

Why I'm bringing all this up is that, recently, you went on a rant at one of your concerts.  Upon reading some of the highlights of that rant I said to myself, "Ah!  Suburban twit!"  And I googled you, to see if I was right.  

Lo and behold, suburban doesn't even begin to describe it.  Car-dealerships Dad and a six-acre Estate.  A childhood picking apples and taking care of the family horses.  (I concede that might sound more idyllic than it actually is.)

I also found out:
  1. You have a sex-tape.  (What idiot doesn't?)
  2. One of your big hits is called, "American Badass"  (Which almost made me choke on my froyo.)
  3. You once were arrested for a brawl in a waffle house.  (Seriously?)
But none of this concerns me.  What does concern me is you want to run for president.

Please.  Don't quit your day gig.  We already have an uneducated, lunatic buffoon in the White House.  And that's not going very well.

Of course, I don't think you could be much worse than the Circus Peanut, but I really wouldn't care to find out. 

Listen.  Your loyal fans seem to have accepted the weird self-identification thing you have with Southern Good-Old-Boy Culture, so why not just stick with that?  Keep talking about women, whiskey, and Jesus and you'll be set for life, the toast of every honky tonk south of the Mason-Dixon Line.  Trust me.  Aside from having to hang out with Southern Good Old Boys, there's no downside.

Preemptively yours,


Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Oh Boy!

Now...if it hits Mar-a-Lago, too, that will surely be a sign from God.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

For the record, if you want to replace a policy (and I think you should know this by now), you come up with the new policy first, and then discontinue the old one.

The six-month grace period is bullshit.  The bottom line is that you're going to hold 800,000 innocent people hostage until you get your "big, beautiful wall".

That's some "heart" you've got there.  I almost feel sorry for Melania.

And I hope the only wall you ever get to see has bars on it.

Unbelievingly yours,


Sunday, September 3, 2017


Mr. Trump has announced the demise of the Dreamer Policy.  Well, take that, Barack Obama!  

Apparently, he figured out that the traditional Friday Night News Dump was just too predictable, so he decided to give the bad news to 800,000 people - young people and children - on a Sunday, during his proclaimed "Day of Prayer".  Probably as soon as he got out of church.

But if I were a Dreamer, I wouldn't start packing yet.  Because President Cheese Ball has given Congress six months to come up with a replacement policy. 

Which is quite a dodge. 

Think about it:
  1. The "base" will be ecstatic (because they won't understand it). 
  2. And Congress will craft some "new" policy.
  3. Which will be exactly the same as Obama's policy.
  4. With a few changes thrown in
  5. So that - somehow - rich white people will be able to make money off of it.
  6. Trump will also be ecstatic (because he won't understand it, either).
  7. And he will announce his new policy as "historic",
  8. In the Rose Garden, surrounded by his whipping boys,
  9. Who will gaze at him adoringly,
  10. While mentally calculating how much bourbon they're going to need until 2020.
That's my prediction.  

Dear Rick Perry

Dear Rick Perry,

You are one dumb bunny, aren't you?

And please take off those glasses.  I can't even imagine what you use them for.



Conspiracy Alert!

Dear Mr. Trump,

The news was a bit unsettling this morning.  

There's Houston still breaking our hearts, and they haven't seen anything yet if the EPA continues its rather disinterested approach.  Please tell Scott Pruitt (if you can find him) to turn off  the video game and get to work.  

Then there's North Korea thumping its chest today.  I hope you're tired from your trip to Houston, and you won't do anything too strenuous when you thump back.  Maybe you could apply your "Never Met a Dictator I Didn't Like!" philosophy to finding a way to make friends with this guy.  Or just agree to designate the chest thumping as "For Display Purpose Only".

But the BIG news, and this is what you really need to worry about, is the seizure of Russian posts in DC and New York.  Are you finally getting tough on Putin?  I'm guessing no, that it was the State Department's (i.e., Jeff Sessions') idea.  There seems to be something of a search going on.  And a cover-up, too, given the column of black smoke coming from the San Francisco consulate. 

I mean, they weren't electing a pope in there.

So what is Mr. Sessions looking for?  I propose one of the following:
  1. Stuff to exonerate you.
  2. Stuff to convict you. 
Given the recent bumps in your relationship with Mr. Sessions (who might have a long memory), I'd choose #2 and take up drinking if I were you.

Think about it:  President Pence/Vice President Sessions.  It could happen.

And it would made Steve Bannon very, very happy.  

Just a heads up,


Saturday, September 2, 2017

Dear Sean Spicer

Dear Sean,

So, it's official.

I didn't even know it had to be made official.  Or that it would take more than a month.

Not that we won't miss you.  My husband will miss you because he thought you were hilarious.  And I have to admit that you did score some points with me when you were hiding in the bushes and that one time when you tried to convince America that "covfefe" was a secret presidential code word.

But, TBH, I'm only going to miss Melissa McCarthy.

Your dismount was a "10", though.  I particularly enjoyed,

"It has been the honor of a lifetime to serve the President..."

(This, in spite of the fact that he used Anthony Scaramucci like a can of roach spray to get rid of you.)

Well, after reading that, my first thought was, "How sad!"

And my second thought was, "He technically didn't specify whose lifetime." 

I hope I'm right.  If so, good luck in the future.  Now go home and see if you can get your wife to talk to you again.

Previously yours,


Friday, September 1, 2017

Dear Eric Trump

Dear Eric,

They don't let you out to play very often, for obvious reasons, so this is a real treat.  True, you were only on "The Joe Pags Show" (whatever that is), and it was only last Tuesday (more or less obliterated by Hurricane Harvey, thus any speculation about your unfortunate resemblance to a weasel went unnoticed).  But still.  With your brother in hiding and your sister struggling (her persistent association with Jared Kushner, support for the rollback of a regulation on gender wage gap data collection, and a rather creepy obsession with chairs), I miss the comic relief.

Honey, can we talk?  You seem to be a little befuddled as to why there's so much "negative media" about your Dad, even though he's such a swell guy. 

I hope to shed some light on that for you.

Let's start with a very important point you seem to be missing: Your Dad - and by extension, you and your illustrious siblings - are very, very, very rich.  Now, you may not realize this, because you don't know what it's like not to be rich, but the ubiquitous presence of bodyguards, chauffeurs, nannies, Secret Service agents, and other people substantially subsidized to be solicitous of one's well-being tends to shelter one from some of the harsher realities of life.

Such as somebody punching one's lights out when one is being an asshole.

What's an offended world to do?  What recourse does it have?  Who will speak for the powerless?  Well, that would be our friends in the media, who aren't so much being negative as reporting what is actually going on.  You think the stuff they're reporting is horrendous?  Good.  That means you're taking your pills.

The people in the media are not your Dad's bodyguards, chauffeurs, nannies, and/or Secret Service agents.  They are not being substantially subsidized (with notable exceptions) to be solicitous of his well-being.

Now, put your spoon down and pay attention:  I'm sorry that you're depressed.  We're all depressed.  But the solution isn't a Smiley Face Emoji.  If your Dad wants the negative media to stop, then he should stop saying negative things.

With me so far?

In other words, Dad shouldn't go around calling people pigs, dogs, phonies, liars, pieces of ass, bad hombres, fat, ugly, crazy, showboats, and/or disgusting.  He shouldn't threaten their wives.  And he CERTAINLY shouldn't be leading chants of "lock her up" with hordes of hillbillies. 

I mean, we're talking basic human decency here.  Please note that on any given planet outside of the Trump Galaxy, any one of the above would have this guy lying on the couch with an icepack on his nose.  It's very simple.

This is why your Dad gets bad press.  On a lighter note, you also told Mr. Pags (WTF???) that you and your beleaguered family have learned to take the negative media coverage "with a grain of salt".

No, don't.  You all deserve it.  Every bit of it.  If anything, the media is pulling punches. 

But that's a term you might not be familiar with.