Monday, July 31, 2017

Anthony, We Hardly Knew Ya

Dear Anthony,

I told you to stop shooting your mouth off, and now look where it got you.  Fired by a guy who puts ketchup on a steak.  And his Irish general friend.  If it makes you feel any better, your worst meal was better than anything they ever put in their mouths.

I'm sorry you got fired.  You were funny.  Not like the rest of those jamokes.

Well, take a vacation.  Write a book.  I'll buy it, promise.  And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.  Actually, you don't know where to find me. 

Ask the Russians.  They probably do.

In boca al lupo and don't be a stranger.

Your fourth cousin, once removed,

Connie Staccato

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Generally Speaking

I have heard through the grapevine that Mr. Trump's new chief of staff, used-to-be General John Kelly, "...won't suffer idiots and fools."


That leaves a rather obvious question begging to be asked.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Dear Senator McCain

Dear Senator McCain,

That was heroic.  Thank you.

Respectfully yours,


Thursday, July 27, 2017

Hey, Anthony!

Jeez, calm down!

You're quoting Joe Paterno and talking about hanging people.  One more stupid thing out of your mouth and I'll be wondering - like everybody else - what you're putting up your nose.

Take a nap or something.

Your fourth cousin, once removed,

Connie Staccato

Monday, July 24, 2017

All Hat, No Cattle

Dear Representative Farenthold,

Unfortunately, you have come to my attention today.  Specifically, your wistfully expressed desire to settle the health care issue "Aaron Burr-style" with "female senators from the Northeast".

But only if they were "a guy from south Texas".

Wow.  So much to work with here.

I assume you are referring to Sentaor Susan Collins of Maine, Senator Shelley Moore Capito of West Virginia, and Senator Lisa Murkowski of Alaska.

For the record:
  1. I am from central Oklahoma.
  2. People from Oklahoma generally consider people from Texas - south or otherwise - to be yahoo blowhards.
  3. West Virginia and Alaska are not in the Northeast.
  4. Susan, Shelley, and Lisa are - probably - all better shots than you are.
  5. And they would have a much larger target.
Which goes to show you that grown men who allow themselves to be photographed, while attired in "ducky pajamas", alongside "lingerie models", should not be taken seriously.

Especially by voters.

Git along, little dogie,


Sunday, July 23, 2017

My Cousin Anthony

Would you believe it?  Anthony Scaramucci is my fourth cousin! 

Once removed.

Hey, Anthony!

It's me, Connie.  The last time we saw each other was at Aunt Lena's wedding and you were about six.  Congratulations, and don't get a swelled head.

I saw you on TV the other night.  Jesus, are you kidding me?  Anthony, some advice.  Stop combing your hair with a rake and put on a tie that isn't shiny!  You look like an undertaker, for chrissakes.  And stop telling everybody about all the shit you're gonna do.  That's not how Sicilians operate, in case you forgot.

And lastly, Mooch, listen to me here.  Just because you're hanging out with that big orange gagootz doesn't mean you can say stuff that isn't true.

Remember, St. Anthony can hear you.

Make me proud,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent
Underemployed Is the New Organic

The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary


a lot of people
     nobody, a few hillbillies maybe

alternative fact
     a lie

     something shiny     


     nobody in their right mind

believe me
     I'm lying


     big league, just like me

billions of dollars pouring into NATO
     a lie


     something I think exists when somebody isn't straight-up laughing at me


    something everybody knows I didn't do (see "crowd size", "fake news")

     my presidency, and every pussy-grabbing moment of my life

     a secret word, revealed to me by the voices, understood only by the inhabitants of my home planet

     Anthony Scaramucci

     Mexicans, Hillary Clinton, people who do bad things but who are not related to me

     Hillary Clinton (see "women")
crowd size
     the measure of all things, directly proportional to my insecurities about being illegally elected, and - by extension -  my dick

     something done by my lawyers, but that I take credit for


     to justify loathsome and/or stupid behavior, when the real reasons are just too horrible to contemplate

enormously consensual
     in case there was any doubt


everyone knows
     nobody believes it for a minute

everyone lies
     not to the FBI they don't

extreme vetting
     a process that should be required for Mexicans and Muslims trying to come to the U.S., except seasonal employees of Trump properties


failing, failed
     people who don't like me

     anything that lets me win
fake news
     anything I don't like



global warming
     Chinese fake news

good boy
     my son, Don Jr., who is almost 40, and didn't really mean to cut off that elephant's tail

good man
     someone about to be kicked to the curb


     the historically large appendages attached to my wrists

health care
     something that proves that Barack Obama is way smarter than I am

     me, everything about me, everything I do

     self-serving shit I just make up


I heard somewhere
     Steve Bannon planted it in a tabloid somewhere and now I'm repeating it


     someplace astronauts go, out there...maybe...could be...


lack of clarity

leak, leaker
     the truth, somebody who tells the truth

     someone who knows I'm lying


     something I value because I'm counting on it to keep me out of jail          


made in America
     a lie

mere allegation
     contemporaneous police reports + FBI testimony, under oath + photographs

     bad hombres who should stay on the other side of a big, big wall that they're going to pay for

Mike Pence
     the reason I haven't been impeached

modern day presidential
     having opposable thumbs


     foreigners who cheat us out of money 

     foreigners who cheat us out of money


      anyone who thinks I'm lying

others of different militant perspectives
     1.  people who object to white-supremacists and neo-Nazis;
     2.  people who read books,
     3.  people who can count by fives all the way to a hundred;
     4.  Democrats;
     5.  and anybody else who didn't vote for me.


really well
     like shit

     a one-way figment of my imagination 

     anything I don't win


     people who don't believe me when I'm lying

     alternate spelling of "shithouse"

spin, n.
     a lie

spin, v.

     to lie


     people who believe me when I'm lying

tax reform
     a lie


the president
     me (see "crowd size")

too good
     a hot mess

     something that requires effort

Trans-Pacific Partnership
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

     lying, but acting like I'm not lying


     the modern day presidential way of saying something stupid

truthful hyperbole
     a lie


     (we wish...)


very fake news
     the truth

very good relationship
     occasionally might talk to me, briefly, if we're in a group

voter fraud by millions of illegal immigrants
     a lie

witch hunt
     fake news about me and the Russians (some of whom are very nice people, by the way) that nobody cares about (except the New York Times - see "failing") and that I'm gonna put a stop to soon (see "creepy")

     aliens, sometimes nasty

Friday, July 21, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Whew!  What a day you've had!  I'm sure right now you're gratefully sinking back into the vibrating easy-chair in your padded cell at the White House, enjoying a Diet Coke and a foot massage from your new bromance, Anthony Scaramucci.

He's quite a character, that Anthony!  My first reaction was, "Who's this clown?"  A little Cousin Vinny-like for a Harvard law grad, no?  Which made it sound like everything that came out of his mouth was bullshit, but maybe he was just a little over-stimulated from basking in your dazzling orange glow.   

I gave up counting how many times Mr. Scaramucci said "love" in reference to you and your sundry barnacles during his debut press conference today.  And I have to confess that this was a little worrisome, since you and your courtiers are not - how shall I put this? - especially lovable by anything but the slackest of standards.  But I was really captivated by his assertion that you had "good karma".

Seriously?  Well, you sure didn't rack it up in this lifetime.

Which made me ponder who/what you might have been in your past lifetimes.  And I came up with a short list.
  1. Henry VIII (after he fell on his head).
  2. Jeff Sessions (oh, wait, he's not dead yet).
  3. Caligula.
  4. Peter Griffin.
  5. A wombat.
None of whom would generate much good karma.  Perhaps Mr. Scaramucci doesn't fully understand the concept.

He will.

Stai attento,


Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

My fork says you're done.



Monday, July 17, 2017

Dear Alabama

And you thought Jeff Sessions was a psychopath.

Here's a glimpse at the heirs apparent to his vacant throne in Alabama.  From NBC News:

"...ahead of the August 15 primary to fill the Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the leading GOP candidates are accusing each other of showing insufficient loyalty to the president, whom they speak of with divine reverence.

"Incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who was appointed to fill the seat temporarily in February, called Trump's election a 'Biblical miracle.' Roy Moore, the twice-elected, twice-deposed Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, said, 'God…sent Donald Trump in there.' And Rep. Mo Brooks, a Tea Party favorite, has vowed to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until the president's border wall gets built."

(Now, I have it on good authority that there are normal people who live in Alabama, too.  How do they do it?  Do they just stay stoned all the time, like Willie Nelson in Texas?  Or do they just huddle in enclaves, shrouded in shared delusion?)

But wait, there's more:

"Two of Stranges' campaign ads feature him firing a handgun equipped with a silencer at 'Obama's amnesty plan' in order to call attention to his support for a bill to cut taxes on silencers."

(Seriously?  But I suppose that would be what one should expect from somebody named Luther Strange.)

Dear Alabama, 

Any chance you guys want to try to secede from the Union again?  I'm sure the rest of the country would be just fine with that now.

Think about it,


Wednesday, July 12, 2017

An Anthem for the Resistance

Oh! What are we going to do with Uncle Donald?
A clear disaster, is Uncle Donald.
When he goes a-Twitter at the Mar,
Watch the news, 'cause the Russians will not be far!

If ever lurked a jerk, it's Uncle Donald.
He's batshit crazy, and so is his son!
Gimme your vote, I hear him say;
He'll steal it from you anyway,

Now in the White House there's a twit,
Who grabs you by the where-you-sit,
A silly old git who thinks he really won!

Now sing along!

Monday, July 10, 2017

Dear Don Jr.

Dear Don Jr.,

You're dumber than you look.  And that's saying something.

Bon voyage,


Saturday, July 8, 2017

Sucker Punch

I know I'm going to offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think that the combination of bleach and over-exposure to a blow dryer can have a detrimental effect on the brain.

I'm specifically thinking of Ivanka Trump, who - if everything goes according to plan - will be the First Woman President of the United States.  Elected by Russian hackers, people who wear shorts with elastic waistbands, angry white guys, and desperate white women who want angry white guys to love them.

(Boy, won't that just burn Hillary's butt!  I can hear Trump cackling in my sleep.)

Here's the plan:
  1. Trump acts like an ignorant, senile old bastard with a pathological need for attention.
  2. The behavior escalates until everybody in the world considers acquiring an emergency stash of opioids.
  3. The ethereally lovely Ivanka wafts in to soothe the savage beast and make it all better.  Everybody in the world is grateful that the pain stops, even for a moment.
  4. Steps 1-3 are repeated as necessary.
  5. Ivanka runs for president after stashing Daddy in a (very classy) memory care facility.
Here's what to watch for:
  1. Increasingly bad behavior from Dad Trump, ultimately mitigated by the Enlightened Voice of Reason (which she will refer to, in the future, as her "experience").
  2. The Divorce.  Jared has acquired an impressive amount of baggage is a very short period of time, no?  I predict that Ivanka will be "shocked and heartbroken", as reported by The Enquirer.
  3. The Sons of Trump will mysteriously disappear.
A proper sucker punch.  And we thought it was Donald we needed to worry about.

Hey, Ivanka:  If you're so all-fired clever and influential, why is THIS happening:

I guess it's small potatoes compared to the 50 million smackeroos Daddy pledged to your pet Women's Project.  I was particularly repelled by the big Thank-You Kiss, though I'm pretty sure I would kiss a hyena's ass for 50 million dollars. 

Maybe you could give it to the Afghan girls.

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Last Night in Germany...

(ring ring)


"Is this The Best Hotel in Hamburg?"


"Do you have any rooms available?"


"Look, I need a room for The Leader of the Free World."

"Oh.  For Frau Merkel?  In that case, Ja!"

"No.  For Donald Trump."

"Oh.  In that case, double-Nein."

"Listen, you jelly doughnut, we are important Americans..."

"Ach!  All Americans are important.  They say."

"And we have a meeting to attend..."

"Ach!  I am aware.  Can you hear the rioting where you are?"

"So will you make a room available for us for the next three days?"


"Well, what would you suggest we do?"

"That, I cannot say without International Incident.  Perhaps you have an aircraft carrier in the North Sea...?"

"Can you imagine the President's Wife sleeping on an aircraft carrier?!"

"As well as I can imagine her sleeping in Das White Haus."

"You are an insolent Hun, and I am going to report this to your Chancellor!"

"Und she will buy me a nice bier, ja?  Maybe Zwei!"

Sunday, July 2, 2017

Dear Modern Day Presidential Person

Dear Mr. Trump,

A few words about your self-appellation:
  1. Just so you know, the year is 2017.
  2. If by "modern" you mean that you have demonstrated that you have opposable thumbs...well, um...okay.
  3. Presidential?  With that tie?
And judging from that video, you'd be well advised not to quit your day gig.  Though in the (hopefully) near future, you might not have a choice.

Unwillingly yours,