Friday, June 30, 2017

Girl Crush

For the next four years, whenever I'm in a bad mood, I'm going to watch this:




Thank you, Ana.  If you ever run for president (and I think it's a very, very good idea), I will sell my house and give you all my money.

Your new biggest fan,

Underemployed




Saturday, June 24, 2017

The Simple American Health Care Act

We the People of the United States claim the right to participate in the same Health Care Plan as is participated wherein by Congress and the President, whose salaries and benefits We provide.

In the case that this Health Care is unaffordable by Us (i.e., it should not exceed 8% of our gross income) we claim the right to subsidy to the necessary cost, or to participate in Medicaid or Medicare as is appropriate.

There.  Two sentences.

All in favor, say "Aye".




Friday, June 23, 2017

Dear Republican Senators

Dear Republican Senators,

One question:

If your health care plan is so fucking wonderful, will YOU all be signing up for it?

Just asking,

Underemployed




Thursday, June 22, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So there are no tapes.  I knew that (see previous post).

I knew it from the beginning.  So did everybody else.  Except for - maybe - Kellyanne Conway who thinks that a microwave oven is a potential surveillance apparatus.  And maybe that one Republican congressman in Michigan who thinks God is going to fix global warming (if it becomes a problem).  Actually, I think in the case of Kellyanne, she just says stuff like that so you won't feel like the only lunatic in the room. 

Here are your tweets:

With all of the recently reported electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information, I have no idea...

...whether there are "tapes" or recordings of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings.

 - Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 22, 2017

Now let's take that apart:

"With all of the recently reported (by whom?) electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information (only a prob if you're guilty), I have no idea...whether there are "tapes" (those quotation marks again - intriguing!) of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings (no shit).

What the ENTIRE WORLD knows, Mr. Trump, is that you were just throwing a tantrum, shooting off your mouth (or, in this case, short and stubby fingers), and didn't have the balls to admit it.  BELIEVE ME, they're laughing at you. 

And as for James Comey:  You better hope he wasn't wearing a wire. 

Think about it,

Underemployed 



  

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Dear Steve Bannon

Dear Steve Bannon,

Chelsea Clinton says you "fat shamed" Sean Spicer.  And I have no reason to doubt Chelsea Clinton on this.

For the record, Sean Spicer is - by far - the least creepy-looking of anyone in Trump's confederacy of dunces.  And I'm including Jared and Ivanka.  (Maybe especially Jared and Ivanka.)

You, on the other hand, are a bloated, warty toad.  Possibly with alcohol- and/or drug- induced brain damage.  And you look like you smell bad.  

So there is no good reason for you to be anything shaming anybody.

Go away,

Underemployed





Processing Time

Today my husband turns to me and says, "Remember Trump's Cabinet meeting?  The one where everybody was crawling on the floor to lick his shoes?  That was.  The most.  Disgusting.  Thing.  I've EVER seen.  In my whole life."

My husband:
  1. Is 85-years-old, and that's a lot of life,
  2. And he's a former employee of the government of Cook County, IL.
  3. So he knows of which he speaks, 
  4. Because Cook County is basically Chicago,
  5. The government of which has always been - more or less - disgusting.
When this man uses superlatives in reference to government, one listens.

I agree with him, though I didn't require as much processing time.  And I've since pondered what the individual motives might have been for the performances.

Here's what I've come up with:
  1. Greed.
  2. And/or fear.
  3. Except for Mike Pence, 
  4. Who - I'm pretty sure - is what we sometimes euphemistically refer to as "simple minded".
  5. But he's from Indiana.  Therefore, no one notices.   
In case you missed it:


Maybe just a tad too "Supreme Leader"?




Sunday, June 18, 2017

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

Please allow me to impart a bit of wisdom to you.  It's the kind of wisdom one generally acquires before the age of six, if one is not a billionaire and/or has body guards.

"If you're gonna dish it out, make sure you can take it."

I'm not hopeful you know what that means. Especially after listening to you describe to your friends at Fox News how you were "not expecting the viciousness" that a number of people are directing toward your father.

So let me explain it to you.

On Planet Earth, people - for the most part - are not vicious unless somebody gives them a good reason to be.  Some of these reasons are:
  1. Insults;
  2. Disrespect;
  3. Theft;
  4. Sexual harassment;
  5. Falsehoods;
  6. Threats;
  7. Mockery;
  8. Betrayal;
  9. Displays of extreme ignorance;
  10. Ketchup on steak.
Your father is guilty of all of these.  Under normal circumstances, he would not have achieved adulthood in full possession of his teeth.

However, when someone is very rich, there are people who will apparently choose to overlook the offenses.  I say "apparently" because, in many cases, they will simply opt for a more subtle form of revenge.  I know this because I am Sicilian.  And we invented revenge.

What exactly were you expecting?  That all of your father's victims would just roll over and play dead?  A natural expectation, I suppose, given the embarrassing performance of his Cabinet recently.  Unfortunately for your father, though, there are more Americans than not who would rather see him on a one-way trip to the Sombrero Galaxy than in the White House.

Three million more, at last count.

I am guessing that we are to believe you are "the smart one" amongst the children of Trump (though my money's on Tiffany).  Given the field, it's not much of an accomplishment.  And you probably think you are doing wonderful things for the world.  

But I promise you, you are not.  You are simply putting a pretty face on an ugly situation.

Perhaps you believe that your father's behavior is normal.  But We the people - because we were raised right - are not accepting it as our new normal.  

We're dishing it right back at him.  And we will continue to do so until he takes his toys and goes home.

Because that's how you handle a bully.

Regards to Jared,

Underemployed







Monday, June 12, 2017

Across the Pond

Theresa May has caught my attention recently.  

I understand very little of the parliamentary system of government, but I have the distinct impression that she is behaving oddly.

Namely, she should be gone by now.  In a nice, polite, parliamentary-sort of way.

However, she is desperately trying to hang on to her position.  So desperate that she is trying to make a deal with the Devil Himself, the party of Ian Paisley.  And I might not know a lot about UK politics, but I do remember some things about that asshole.

In fact, she's acting a lot like...Donald Trump!  And what do Theresa May and Donald Trump have in common?  I mean, besides really, really bad hair?

They were both beneficiaries of election victories that should have never happened outside of an alternative universe.

Ah.  Brexit.

Coincidence?  You decide.




Saturday, June 10, 2017

Let's Think About This

Dear American Christian Right,

I write to you because some of your offspring have chosen this beautiful day in June to hold "Anti-Sharia" demonstrations in cities across the country.

(What would Jesus do?  I'm pretty sure he would cringe.  Likewise, Thomas Jefferson.)

Now this is just a view from the cheap seats, but I have noticed several discrepancies in the rhetoric with which you seek to preserve "traditional American values".

We'll start with the Sharia law thing.  Personally, in spite of (or maybe because of) twelve years of rigorous religious schooling, I am perfectly content with the Constitution and would prefer not to have an additional set of rules and regulations telling me what to do.  But I understand that there are people who prefer otherwise, and so be it.  This is (more or less) a free country.

So, no, I don't want to live under Sharia law. 

But I don't want to live under the American right-wing Christian version of it, either.  You know, the version that tells us who we can sleep with, what we can smoke, what kind of medical care women should be allowed to have, what bathrooms we can use, etc., in spite of the fact that the American right wing takes every opportunity they can to bemoan "Big Government".

I'm also perplexed by the Right to Life/Pro Death Penalty paradox.  And vice-versa.

However, what really flabbergasts me is this:  

How is it that American right-wing Christians are so fucking terrified of Muslims (even though we are in much more danger from our trigger-happy fellow Americans), but seem to have NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER with the Kremlin choosing our "elected" leaders for us?

Let's think about this.

And thank you for your consideration,

Underemployed





Friday, June 9, 2017

Sometime in the Very Near Future...

Dear Mr. Trump,

You have definitely put yourself between a rock and a hard place.

The Rock:  "James Comey better hope that there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!"

The Hard Place:  There are no "tapes".  

I know there are no "tapes".  You know there are no "tapes".  And "tapes"-gate is going to be like that little Obama "wire tapping" comedy, because you will point out that you used "quotation marks", so you can say anything you want and don't have to "worry" about it being taken "literally" by - oh, let's say - a "special counsel" during the course of an "independent investigation".

Now, or "...sometime in the very near future", you are going to have to 'fess up.  In public.  To a lot of people.  Most of whom will laugh.

Anyway, you will have to confess one of the following things:
  1. You just made that shit up.
  2. The voices (the ones that only you can hear) told you there were tapes, and the voices are never wrong.
  3. If Sean Spicer were doing a better job, you wouldn't have these problems.
Dude, here's a flash:  EVERYBODY knows there are no tapes.  But everybody is pretending that there might be tapes because everybody delights in ridiculing you.

I hope that clears things up.

Until then, Happy Golfing!

Underemployed 










Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

For the moment, let's set aside the fata morgana that you are all that and a bag of chips, too.  You do realize that if it hadn't been for James Comey, you wouldn't have won* the election, right?

Just asking.  It's hard to understand what goes on in the mind of someone who eats chocolate cake while bombing someone.

Looking forward to listening to those "tapes",

Underemployed





Monday, June 5, 2017

No Kidding



 

I knew it.




Oh, What the Hell

Dear Mr. Trump,

How can you criticize the mayor of London?  And solemnly swear (with a straight face) that you will do everything in your power to keep Americans safe, when you're doing your damnedest to make sure that every pissed-off hillbilly with an index finger has the constitutional right to buy an assault weapon?

Oh, what the hell.  Let's just make fun of the fat bastard:


 

Disquietingly yours,

Underemployed





Friday, June 2, 2017

Dear Congressman Nunes

Dear Congressman Nunes,

I think you need a nice long nap.

Your friend,

Underemployed





Our Inspired Leadership

Dear Congressman Walberg,

Last Friday, while speaking with some people unfortunate enough to be your constituents, you received some questions about your views on climate change.

To which you replied:

"I believe there's climate change.  I believe there's been climate change since the beginning of time.  Do I think man has some impact?  Yeah, of course.  Can man change the entire universe?   No.  Why do I believe that?  Well, as a Christian, I believe that there is a creator in God who is much bigger than us.  And I'm confident that, if there's a real problem, he can take care of it."

(How simple is that?  Who needs Congressmen?)

Well, Mr. Walberg, I'm confident, too!  I'm confident that:
  1. When you said "he", you meant just that.
  2. God probably thinks "he" already has taken care of it,
  3. Because "he" gave (some of) us brains.
  4. The plan is we're actually supposed to use them.
  5. You would do well to remember:  "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap,"
  6. And right now that's not looking too good.
  7. Almost every person who has ever voted for you now deeply regrets it.
Good luck with 2018!

Unbelievably yours,

Underemployed





While You Were Out...

As I've said before, whenever our questionably elected leader does something so appallingly stupid and/or loathsome that the news can be full of nothing else, it's a good idea to look around and see what more might be happening in Trumpsylvania.

As we all know by now, the United States has chosen to ally itself with the great intellects of the governments of Syria and Nicaragua on the subject of climate change.  

It doesn't get much more appallingly stupid or loathsome than that, though I hate to leave the challenge open to Mr. Trump and the other passengers in the White House clown car, because I'm sure they'll find a way to top it.

Here is a short list of  issues that surfaced while we were all gawking in disbelief yesterday:
  1. Mr. Trump's ethics waiver binge.
  2. The Nigel Farage Saga - starring Steve Bannon, sundry Russians, Brexit, Wikileaks...some good stuff here.  I'm beginning to detect a pattern.
  3. Jared Kushner's claim that Donald Trump thinks Republicans are stupid, which might indicate previously undetected brainwave activity in Donald's little orange head.
  4. A notable drop in business at Trump's golf courses. 
  5. Trump's fake Twitter followers.  Sad!
Now, if my spider sense is working correctly, I surmise that articles #1 and #2 are going to be be big news soon.  I'm also going to surmise that articles #4 and #5 are the only ones that really bother Mr. Trump.

Oh, and my spider sense is also telling me the the U.S. withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord has a LOT to do with the fact that Emmanuel Macron is younger, smarter, stronger (we've got that on video!), more sartorially elegant, better educated, more articulate, and MUCH better looking than Donald Trump.  Oh, and President Macron's wife seems to really like him a lot, too.

Just a guess. 





Thursday, June 1, 2017

True Dat

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're right.  The world is laughing at us.  But what you can't seem to grasp (among so many other things) is it's because of you.

Say hi to Steve for me.  

Regretfully yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  Angela and Emmanuel lost your cell phone number.  Or so they say.