My Favorite President

Well, I think he was a very good president, but I wouldn't say Barack Obama did nothing wrong!

The Fourth Deadly Sin

Justin Trudeau is the new Barack Obama.

Cheatin' Obama

Wow.  That was a long time coming.  

Good job, Spanky.  More evidence of your stable genius.  I'm sure he cried himself to sleep.  Personally, I think you could have done better, but I understand you have a lot on your mind.  Like what Mr. Mueller meant by "not at this point".  

Now come up with a snappy nickname for Putin.

I dare you.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tell me something:  Why haven't you given Barack Obama his very own Trump nickname?

I mean, we have Crooked Hillary, Lyin' Ted, Cryin' Chuck, Sloppy Steve, Sneaky Diane, Mr. Magoo, Pocahontas, Dicky, Low Energy Jeb, Psycho Joe, Crazy Bernie, Crazy Megyn, Crazy Jim, Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Liddle Bob, Little Adam, Little Marco, and Little Rocket Man.  We even have a Dodgy Dossier.

(The "crazies" outnumber the "littles", which outnumber the rest, and I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with that.)

But nothing for Barack?  No questioning of sanity?  Nothing about his physical appearance that you find noteworthy?

Maybe I can help.  I think it should be alliterative.  How about:

1. Bumbling Barack
2. Boring Barack
3. Baleful Barack
4. Bad Vibes Barack
5. Boisterous Barack
6. Bonkers Barack
7. Banal Barack
8. Born in Kenya, Probably a Muslim Barack
9. Blatherin' Barack
10. Bouncy Barack

For the record, none of these are true, but that doesn't seem to be a factor in your choice of appellations. 

If nothing else, the debut of a Trump nickname for Mr. Obama will draw some attention away from the fact that Mr. Mueller and his grand jury have recently subpoenaed all of your (and your best friends') documents going back to 2015.  

And isn't that the point?

In anticipation,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tell me you did not say this:

"We are going to take a strong look at our country's libel laws so that when somebody says something that is false and defamatory about someone, that person will have meaningful recourse in our courts."

Wow.

Maybe you didn't compose that statement, because it's coherent and contains a few big words.  But you did agree to say it, apparently not fully comprehending what it means.

At the risk of stating the obvious, it means that - should you pursue this line of thinking -  your lawyers will be spending a LOT of time handling people seeking "meaningful recourse".

Starting, perhaps, with Barack Obama.

And James Comey.

Be careful what you wish for,

Underemployed

And This...

...will finally send Trump over the edge:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/golf/obama-beat-spieth-in-golf-while-joking-about-aliens/ar-AAu8FCj?li=BBmkt5R&ocid=spartandhp

Trust me.

President Mean Girl

Dear Mr. Trump,

The other day I came across David Axelrod on TV, cautiously suggesting that perhaps you might be jealous of Barack Obama.

(Ya think?)

I admit that I find it disheartening the way Washington circles the wagons when one of the chosen turns out to be a lemon (or, in your case, an orange).  You can practically see it tattooed across their foreheads:  "What can I get out of this without losing any votes?"  Screw nuclear winter, global warming, and neo-Nazi's!  They're more worried about their cousin's appointment to 2nd undersecretary to the ambassador of Tonga.

But getting back to this thing you have with Obama (and John McCain, too, BTW):  Dude!  I totally get it!

Back in high school, when I was about 16, I had this BIG crush on a guy named John.  I mean, I was full-on, sixteen-year-old-girl ga-ga, crush at first sight.  And my world came crashing down when, on the second day of our acquaintance, I overheard him talking to his best friend about Carmen, a young lady he clearly admired.

Carmen didn't know I existed, and when we were finally introduced, she was very nice (damn her).  She was tall, blonde, smart, talented, and funny.  And she had BIG BOOBS (tucking them into your pants now, eh Carmen?), which sort of mirrors your tiny hands complex. 

I was CONSUMED with jealousy, which lingered like the taste of Fresca, even after John and I became a big item and then eventually broke up.

My point is that, though all of this played out in my own mind instead of a global arena, I spent many an hour trying to console myself by criticizing Carmen's smallest flaws.  Hey, it was my Mean Girls stage!

And you're in your Mean Girls stage with Obama.  Though it's an unusually long one, if we count the whole "Birther Movement" comedy.

But I understand.  After all, truth be told, you fall a little short in comparison with your predecessor:

1. He's younger than you.
2. He dresses better.
3. He's better looking.
4. He has better hair.
5. He's better educated.
6. People like him.  And miss him.  A lot.
7. He has a higher IQ.  (Don't argue, it's obvious.)
8. He won the popular vote.
9. He has bigger hands.
10. And crowd sizes.

AND, though I'm only guessing here, he's tougher than you are.  I'm willing to bet that Sarah Huckabee Sanders would beat you in an arm wrestling match.

Thus, you have your reasons.  And my sympathy.

So let's move on now, shall we?

Empathetically yours,

Underemployed

Candygram for Mongo!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Now that I have your attention, can we talk?

1. Congratulations on being the most "tweeted about world leader" at the United Nations General Assembly.  I wonder if you realize that most of those tweets were multi-language variations on "What an asshole!"  
2. Tell Steve Bannon, the next time you guys are sharing a pizza, that the Alabamans who voted for Roy Moore are a pack of morons.  But then again, so are the ones who voted for Luther Strange.   
3. Thank you for sharing the revelation that Puerto Rico "..is an island.  Surrounded by...big water, ocean water."  My husband finds this endearing.  I do not.
4. Speaking of Puerto Rico, I'm glad to hear that things are going "really well" there.  Remind me to add "really well" to The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary.
5. That's some tax cut you're promoting:  "giant, beautiful, massive".  (You left out "turgid" and "throbbing".)  Rip my bodice, and I'm sold.
6. Please explain how a puffy, orange, old draft dodger - who has publicly ridiculed John McCain as "not a war hero" - can be questioning the respect of protesting athletes for the United States military. 

In the theater of the absurd that is now America, it is only appropriate that your administration be brought down by socially conscious members of the National Football League.

And speaking of sports, I have a sort of Fantasy Team in my head for a re-make of Blazing Saddles.  Until recently, I had only cast Barack Obama as Sheriff Bart and Joe Biden as The Waco Kid. 

But now, I think you'd be perfect as "The Pres", and wouldn't Mike Pence make a wonderful Hedley Lamarr?

As for Lili von Shtupp...

Too obvious?

Contumaciously yours,

Underemployed

Dear GOP Senators

Dear GOP Senators,

You do realize that all these health-care theatrics have NOTHING to do with what might be good for the American people and EVERYTHING to do with obliterating any fond memories they might still have of Barack Obama.

Right?

Because if Obamacare were called "Trumpcare", the current resident of the White House would be touting it as the greatest health care system ever:

"Historic.  Believe me.  And I know health care better than anybody because...well...maybe I know some people who actually use it.  Anyway, I've heard many people say...it's tremendous.  Everybody knows.  A lot of people say so..."

It is slowly dawning on me that the future of this planet is entirely dependent on the outcome of a phantasmagorical popularity contest being conducted entirely within the none-too-stable mind of a raving lunatic. 

And, as if that weren't enough, he's orange.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

What I really don't get is why fifty (okay, 48) apparently sane people  - elected with the full faith of their constituencies - should be going along with it.

You must have your reasons.  (I'm not sure I want to go there.)  But you do realize that when this half-assed health care plan goes haywire - and it will - everybody's going to blame you, not him.

So please act like grown-ups.  Or at least bipeds with a healthy self-preservation instinct.

Fretfully yours,

Underemployed

Prediction

Mr. Trump has announced the demise of the Dreamer Policy.  Well, take that, Barack Obama!  

Apparently, he figured out that the traditional Friday Night News Dump was just too predictable, so he decided to give the bad news to 800,000 people - young people and children - on a Sunday, during his proclaimed "Day of Prayer".  Probably as soon as he got out of church.

But if I were a Dreamer, I wouldn't start packing yet.  Because President Cheese Ball has given Congress six months to come up with a replacement policy. 

Which is quite a dodge. 

Think about it:

1. The "base" will be ecstatic (because they won't understand it). 
2. And Congress will craft some "new" policy.
3. Which will be exactly the same as Obama's policy.
4. With a few changes thrown in
5. So that - somehow - rich white people will be able to make money off of it.
6. Trump will also be ecstatic (because he won't understand it, either).
7. And he will announce his new policy as "historic",
8. In the Rose Garden, surrounded by his whipping boys,
9. Who will gaze at him adoringly,
10. While mentally calculating how much bourbon they're going to need until 2020.

That's my prediction.  

Dear President Cafone

Dear Mr. Trump,

How's that little vay-cay working out for you?  Here's what we know so far:

1. Your wife can't stand you.
2. Maybe because you're a rat bastard?
3. Your son-in-law is even creepier than you are.
4. Your suits don't fit.  Not even close.
5. French people make fun of you.
6. They didn't make fun of Obama.  Just sayin'.
7. His Holiness thinks you're a jerk.  
8. And when I first saw your ladies at the Vatican, I thought "Who died?"
9. You really like Saudi Arabians. 
10. Probably because they give you (and your creepy kids) money.
11. And shiny things.
12. World peace?  Fugeddaboudit.

So you're in Sicily now, are you? Let me give you a list of Sicilian words you're gonna hear.  A lot.  I don't know how they're spelled, but they sound like this:

boodagots

chooch

gabbaroos

gabbados

gabbadeegots

gogoots

gooloo

jadrool

jamoke

skoochamend

stroonz

stoonahd

vafangool

They all pretty much mean the same thing.  Except for the last one.  But I think the word you're gonna hear the most is cafone.  Like, you are the EMBODIMENT of a cafone.  Take, for example, what you did to the Prime Minister of Montenegro.  Smooth move, James Bond.  The jacket flick was a nice touch. 

Seriously, chooch, in the Italian dictionary next to cafone is your picture.

Hope this helps,

Connie Staccato

Sicilian-American special corresdondent

www.conniestuffs.com

(BTW, a special "grazi'!" to the American-Italian dictionary at americanitalian.net.)

I Get It!

Dear Mr. Trump,

I get it!  It's not Obama you want to vilify; it's the FBI!  (Thank you, Mr. Comey, for clearing that up.)

So, I'm guessing that the FBI is going to have some very interesting information for us, very soon.  Which, of course, will be suspect information (of course) because the FBI are Nazis, Nixons, McCarthyists, and don't like kittens.  And then there's the fake news (i.e, news not published by Breitbart), dishonest media, bad-sport Democrats, etc., etc...

Can't wait!

Got my radar on,

Underemployed

All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power, and...well...um...hmmm...

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.

Sincerely,

Underemployed