Thursday, May 24, 2018


Dear Mr. Trump,

Let me see if I have this right:
  1. Today you pardoned Jack Johnson.
  2. An athlete
  3. Who was the victim of "racially-motivated injustice"
  4. (your very words),
  5. Which is the same thing
  6. That NFL athletes,
  7. Whom you persecute and vilify, 
  8. Are protesting.
Do I have that right?

I thought so.

Bafflingly yours,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You cancelled the summit because somebody in North Korea said that Mike Pence is stupid?  If that's really the case, you do realize that you're going to have to cancel the whole world, right?

Lame excuse.  I don't know if anyone has mentioned this to you yet, but you're giving the unfortunate impression that you're just too chicken shit to have a meeting with Kim Jong Un.

I have an idea:  Call Keith Schiller and have him come over and punch you in the nose.  Just so you know what it feels like.  When you recover (and I promise you will) I think you might be less likely to worry about what people think about Mike Pence.  You might find Vladimir Putin less enthralling.  And maybe you'll feel less of a need for a big, beautiful wall to keep you safe and warm.

Who knows?  You might even stop looking for spies under your bed.

It's worth a shot,


Bottoms Up

If I were a lobbyist, I'd be lobbying Fox News.

Friday, May 18, 2018

Dear Bennie Thompson

Dear Representative Thompson,

Personally, I think there should be a law REQUIRING members of Congress to sleep in their offices when they're in Washington.  And members of the Cabinet, too.

It would be a great way to get rid of Scott Pruitt.

For your consideration,


All-Time Biggest Political Scandal

Dear Mr. Trump,

You seem to consider the possibility that the FBI has been spying on you to be the all-time biggest political scandal.

No.  It isn't.  Given that:
  1. Trump Tower is full of shady Russians.
  2. Ditto: your Florida properties.
  3. You've been hanging out with lowlifes like Paul Manafort.  
  4. And Carter Page.
  5. And Roger Stone.
  6. Just to name a few.  There are more.  And they all have questionable dealings with the Russians.
  7. Donald Trump, Jr. is a complete fucking idiot, who went to a meeting with Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.
  8. Your son-in-law and Michael Flynn tried to set up a secret back-channel with the Russians.  
  9. Some very credible people have cited some very bizarre behavior on your part while you were in Moscow.
  10. And you've been sniffing Vladimir Putin's butt for years.
It would be the all-time biggest political scandal if you weren't being watched by the FBI. 

Think about it,


Thursday, May 17, 2018

Happy Anniversary

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today the investigation (Michael Flynn) led by Special Counsel Mueller (Paul Manafort) is one year old (Rick Gates), and what a year (all those Russkies) it's been!  I am fully, if not painfully, aware (George Papadopoulos) that you consider all of this a witch hunt (that one Dutch guy), though I have to admit (Guccifer 2.0) that the sight of you  (Miss Universe Pageant) leading mobs (the Steele dossier) in chants of "Lock her up!" (Trump Tower Moscow) looks and feels (the Seychelles, Prague) much more like a witch hunt (Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels) to me.

But (James Comey) cheer up!  I have a feeling (Carter Page, Roger Stone, Felix Sater) that this next year (Cambridge Analytica) is going to be (the whole fucking NRA) much more fun!

In collusion,


Friday, May 11, 2018

Dear Kirstjen Nielsen

Dear Ms. Nielsen,

I'll bet you really, really regret covering your boss's sorry ass by telling the Senate that you didn't know Norway had a lot of white people in it.

You see?  Aside from disconcerting that segment of the American electorate who were rightfully (albeit skeptically) appalled that the head of the Department of Homeland Security was unaware of the demographics of Scandinavia ("Can I call a friend?"), it was all for naught.  Get in line behind Scott Pruitt and General Kelly.

See you on Dancing with the Stars,


Dear General Kelly

Dear General Kelly,

You recently made some - well, I'll say "interesting" since it's more polite than "fucking stupid" - remarks about undocumented immigrants in the United States:
  1. They are "overwhelmingly rural people" who would not "easily assimilate...into our modern society."  (I wonder what American farmers would think about that.  If they were paying attention.)
  2. They come from "fourth-, fifth-, and sixth-grade educations".  (Which makes them better educated than your boss.)
  3. "They don't speak English; obviously that's a big thing."  (Obviously.)
  4. "They don't integrate well..."  (With people like you calling the shots, I'm wondering why they should want to.)
  5. "...they don't have skills."  (As defined by the urbane, educated, skillful person who spends his days kissing a monkey's butt.)
I'm racking my brain here to think of how the people you are describing differ from my Sicilian immigrant great-grandparents.  And the answer is:  they don't.  But - surprise! - my family managed to (eventually) assimilate quite nicely.  My daughter attends the University of Chicago and my son is at Harvard. 

Some things take a little time.

When you're done congratulating yourself on the accidents of history that bequeathed your Irish immigrant ancestors the ability to speak English, maybe you could work on learning a skill.

Like compassion.

Third-generationally yours,


Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Dear George Will

Dear Mr. Will,

Thank you.

Your fan,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Per your tweet of this morning:

"Just reported that, despite the tremendous success we are having with the economy and all things else, 91% of the Network News about me is negative (Fake)."

Fancy that.

Though most people would probably dismiss the above statement as being impulsive drivel, it gave me pause for reflection, and I would like to make the following observations:
  1. You watched Fox and Friends this morning.
  2. Only 91%?
  3. This is a frightening attempt at an Orwellian mind-fuck. 
  4. The words "negative" and "fake" are not synonyms.  If you do not know this, then you need a dictionary and/or another sit-down with Ronny Jackson and the Montreal Cognitive Assessment.
  5. The words "network news" and "fake" do not require capitalization in this context.  (Just saying.)
In the aforementioned tweet, you floated the idea of taking away press credentials from members of the press that you don't like.  You appear to mean this as a threat, relegating them to some sort of Press Purgatory where they will languish, enduring the pain of longing for the Beatific Vision.  (Which would be you, I guess.*)

Personally, I think that all responsible members of the press should voluntarily turn in their press credentials. 

And get their reporting from Michael Avenatti.

Speaking freely,


*For further information, please see Father Patrick J. Conroy, Chaplain for the House of Representatives.  BTW, can somebody please explain to me why the United States (remember: not a theocracy) House of Representatives has a chaplain?

Thursday, May 3, 2018

The Price You Pay

Dear Senator Jon Tester,

Apparently the going rate for stopping "false and extortionist accusations" is $130,000.  If I were you, I'd skip the New Republican Senatorial Committee, and make the check out directly to Donald J. Trump. 

And use a personal check.  Wait until next month and slip it into a birthday card.  There's plenty of time before the election.

Better yet, 26,000 five-dollar bills in a brown paper bag would be good, too, as long as the serial numbers aren't in sequence.  Leave it on Rudy Giuliani's desk.

If he still has one.

Hang in there, cowboy!


Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I told you Rudy Giuliani was senile.  Quick!  Hide his teeth.

Clairvoyantly yours,

Connie Staccato
Expert, Uomini Italiani