Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Memo

TO:  Donald Trump

FROM:  The Voice of Reason

DATE:  Better Late than Never

RE:  Extreme Vetting


Why don't you start with your staff?



Monday, October 30, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump (et al),

I think it's over.  Only the formalities remain.

Please do the right thing and just humbly resign, thereby (perhaps) sparing your children what's inevitably coming their way. 

On the other hand, I'm sort of hoping you try to worm your way out of all this, just for the entertainment value.   

But, please.  Don't underestimate how much the American people want you to stop being president.

Or start, for that matter.  Something you never really did.  And poor Kellyanne got that facelift all for nothing.

Ciao,

Underemployed



Man on a Wire

In my happy wallowing today, which included much obsessive viewing of cable news shows, I came across this priceless bit of speculation: 

George Papadopoulos has been wearing a wire for the past three months.

Let that sink in:  Three months in the Trump White House, wearing a wire.  When this guy gets out of jail, he's going to have a hella book deal.   

If this is true, and I hope the saints are listening, it would be like ChristmasMyBirthdayA16ozVodkaMartini all rolled into one.  

The party starts now.



Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Press Secretary Sanders,

I have to admire the bright pink dress.

The lying?  Not so much.

Hang in there,

Underemployed

P.S.  A chain letter?  Really?  We have government by chain letter?




The Canary

From my Sicilian-American son:

"Lets be clear here.

"Sicilians don't snitch. Ever. Not on pain of death. And certainly not to Boy Scout goody-two-shoes types with names like "Robert Mueller" who work for the feds. You know this.

"However, this doofus will sing like a canary...


(Fact check:  We are not absolutely sure that Paul Manafort is a Sicilian-American.  He actually may be more of a generic Italian-American.  In which case, anything could happen.)

"In any case, last I checked, there's no word for "omertà" in Greek."



First Impressions

I'm positively giddy.

With the precision of a master gemcutter, making the first cut on a very large and precious (and illegal) rough diamond, Robert Mueller has managed to hit both Trump and Pence at the same time.  I have a picture in my mind of Paul Ryan and James Comey having a celebratory chocolate milk right about now.

Why do I think Mike Pence is in this up to his pink neck?  Well, either that or he's the dumbest person alive.  Which might not be mutually exclusive.  Plus, no man who wears long pants talks like he does.

(My husband is dragging me away, reminding me that our cats will not eat tonight unless we go grocery shopping.)

Stay tuned.


Thursday, October 26, 2017

Unreal

Dear Mr. Trump,

Sometimes it's hard to know what - or if - you're thinking. 

I'm not sure you understand this, but everything you've ever said or done in the (far too many) years since your first speaking part in The Great American Nightmare belies your persistent (and pathetic) claims to intelligence, civility, education, a high IQ (it only seems high when you can't count up to 100), negotiating skills, and patriotism.

I mean, c'mon: 
  1. You're in an ongoing public feud with the pregnant widow of a serviceman who was found killed,
  2. After being missing for two days,
  3. On your watch?
  4. For which you offered little explanation, took little responsibility, and expressed little sympathy.
  5. Seriously?  Good job, Commander-in-Chief.  
Then:
  1. You trot out a four-star general to fight the mean girls for you.
  2. And we are told that it would be "highly inappropriate" to "get into a debate" with a "four-star Marine general".  
  3. Even though the Marine general was lying through his teeth, and had gone above-and-beyond whatever call of duty he thought he was answering to defame and insult an innocent-as-charged public official.
  4. Whereby the general's credibility tanked.
  5. So now you're going to need a new general.  Mattis?  Maybe.  But people are starting to remember Vietnam.  
And:
  1. Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
  2. Who apparently was absent from Sunday school on the day they taught the Ten Commandments.  (Thank you, Sarah.  It's also "highly inappropriate" to "lie".)
  3. As far as I can see, there is nothing beneath this woman.
  4. And she wears WAY too much eye makeup.  Why, for the love of God?  Perhaps an attempt to distract from all the snarly stuff going on beneath the nose?  (Not working.)
  5. Whatever.  It's creepy.  Liz Taylor reincarnated as a bulldog.
Furthermore:
  1. If I had a person hanging around me who called his wife "Mother", and who wouldn't dine with women alone or be in a room with females where alcohol was being served without "Mother" by his side, and who publicly declared (in all seriousness) that it was the "greatest privilege" of his life (take that, Mother!) to serve me, I would get a restraining order.  And a food taster.  Just sayin'.
  2. A person who paints himself orange, and wears a tie that goes down to his knees, should not be calling a woman who wears a cowboy hat "wacky". 
  3. Never mind that you support a Senate candidate who also wears a cowboy hat, and packs a pistol, and rides a horse, just to go vote.  In Alabama, no less, a place not usually associated with cowboys.
  4. It's equally ludicrous to hear you cry, "No leadership in the NFL!"  That you fail to see the irony in this statement is more proof that your dad probably paid big bucks for your IQ test.
  5. AND your goofball son is accusing someone (Hillary Clinton) of "arrogance and entitlement" (on Twitter, on her birthday).  That boy really needs a mirror.  And a chin.
While I'm at it:
  1. Wacky
  2. Crooked
  3. Lyin'
  4. Nasty
  5. Crazy
  6. A real nutjob
  7. Showboat
  8. Grandstander
  9. Sound familiar?  This is the way you talk about people.  And you think that the press portrays you as "more uncivil" than you actually are?  Were you raised by wolves?
  10. Not coincidentally, the above epithets are apt descriptions of you.
For the record:
  1. An Ivy League school will generally give a degree to anyone who gives them enough money.
  2. An intelligent person doesn't need to tell people that they're intelligent.
  3. Steve Bannon is a mean, stupid drunk.
And I still want to see your tax returns.

Feeling better now,

Underemployed



Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Opioid Crisis

Dear Mr. Trump,

Here's your Opioid Policy:

Legalize Marijuana

Fuck Jeff Sessions.

One and done,

Underemployed



Saturday, October 21, 2017

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

I think you're going to be a popular Halloween costume this year.

Veraciously yours,

Underemployed



Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Happy Holidays

Dear Mr. Trump,

The best Christmas present of all would be your resignation.

Greetings of the Season,

Underemployed



Monday, October 16, 2017

Dear Scott Walker

Dear Governor Walker,

If they didn't listen to Trump, why should they listen to you?

You're a dolt,

Underemployed



President Mean Girl

Dear Mr. Trump,

The other day I came across David Axelrod on TV, cautiously suggesting that perhaps you might be jealous of Barack Obama.

(Ya think?)

I admit that I find it disheartening the way Washington circles the wagons when one of the chosen turns out to be a lemon (or, in your case, an orange).  You can practically see it tattooed across their foreheads:  "What can I get out of this without losing any votes?"  Screw nuclear winter, global warming, and neo-Nazi's!  They're more worried about their cousin's appointment to 2nd undersecretary to the ambassador of Tonga.

But getting back to this thing you have with Obama (and John McCain, too, BTW):  Dude!  I totally get it!

Back in high school, when I was about 16, I had this BIG crush on a guy named John.  I mean, I was full-on, sixteen-year-old-girl ga-ga, crush at first sight.  And my world came crashing down when, on the second day of our acquaintance, I overheard him talking to his best friend about Carmen, a young lady he clearly admired.

Carmen didn't know I existed, and when we were finally introduced, she was very nice (damn her).  She was tall, blonde, smart, talented, and funny.  And she had BIG BOOBS (tucking them into your pants now, eh Carmen?), which sort of mirrors your tiny hands complex. 

I was CONSUMED with jealousy, which lingered like the taste of Fresca, even after John and I became a big item and then eventually broke up.

My point is that, though all of this played out in my own mind instead of a global arena, I spent many an hour trying to console myself by criticizing Carmen's smallest flaws.  Hey, it was my Mean Girls stage!

And you're in your Mean Girls stage with Obama.  Though it's an unusually long one, if we count the whole "Birther Movement" comedy.

But I understand.  After all, truth be told, you fall a little short in comparison with your predecessor:
  1. He's younger than you.
  2. He dresses better.
  3. He's better looking.
  4. He has better hair.
  5. He's better educated.
  6. People like him.  And miss him.  A lot.
  7. He has a higher IQ.  (Don't argue, it's obvious.)
  8. He won the popular vote.
  9. He has bigger hands.
  10. And crowd sizes.
AND, though I'm only guessing here, he's tougher than you are.  I'm willing to bet that Sarah Huckabee Sanders would beat you in an arm wrestling match.

Thus, you have your reasons.  And my sympathy.

So let's move on now, shall we?

Empathetically yours,

Underemployed




Sunday, October 15, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm a little depressed.

Not about you, per se.  The moment I wrote you off as a nutcase, you lost the power to depress me.

Even when you hold up some bullshit piece of "legislation" (like you really understand legislation), glowing with your "Look at me!  I'm a big boy now!" face (actually scarier than your "Mussolini" face, which makes you look like something crawled up your butt and died), I remain immune.

No, what depresses me is that sea of happy (mostly white) faces that seem to populate your every photo op.  Much more depressing than you is what crawled out of the woodwork after you.  Smiling and applauding, they are always there, seemingly unaware of...well...anything

But you.  (Where have I see this before?  Oh, yeah.  North Korea.)

Now, given that these people are not certifiably insane, are apparently competent enough to match their belts to their shoes, and haven't be gelded, what would motivate an entire roomful of people - not to mention 292 or so Republican members of Congress - to encourage the tantrums and (potentially dangerous) antics of a petulant, mentally and morally deficient, giant orange man-baby?

I'm at a loss.

Since they can't possibly all be completely stupid, it must be either greed or fear.  Now, no amount of money is going to make nuclear winter or global warming any more fun and, personally, I can't imagine how someone could possibly be afraid of you.

Unless...
  1. Your BFF Steve Bannon and his dirt-digging machinery at Breitbart have something to do with it.
  2. You are Washington's Harvey Weinstein.  (Are you Harvey Weinstein?  The similarities are striking.)
  3. There are a lot of things about you that I don't know anything about.  Things I wouldn't understand.  Things I couldn't understand.  Things I shouldn't understand.
What I do know is that this doesn't bode well.  At the very least, it's creepy.  And your "base" is starting to look like a Village People fancon.

Maybe Donald Jr. could shed some light here?  They don't call him "Fredo" for nothing.

Perplexedly yours,

Underemployed



Monday, October 9, 2017

Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

Word has it that you thought Colts fans would follow you out of the stadium en masse, in a grand spectacle of support for you and President Circus Boy.

Didn't quite work out that way, did it?  

Do you know why?  Well, besides the fact that most people have figured out that both of you are just straight-up whack-job fools, your head looks like a sugar skull at a Day of the Dead party.

Just saying,

Underemployed




Sunday, October 8, 2017

Morons - Part 2

Dear Mr. Pence,

As if this couldn't get any better.

First, you jet from Las Vegas to Indianapolis to stage your little comedy.  At the taxpayers' expense.

Then, you post a picture of you and the missus at the game.  ("See how much fun we were having?  How tragic we were driven from the stadium by such a dastardly - AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED - manifestation of disrespect for soldiers, Flag, National Anthem!"). 

Unfortunately, the picture you posted was from "the game" in 2014.  

Then, the Cheeto-in-Chief tweets that he told you to do all this.  (Surprised?  Moi??)

Then, you jet to California.  For a fundraiser (good luck with that).  Also at the taxpayers' expense.

Total bill?  The watchdog group keeping an eye on you is saying $250,000.  

Your display of utter contempt for the intelligence of the entire population of the United States is insulting, unless you actually thought you were being clever.  But please keep in mind that We the People are relying on the likes of the TWO OF YOU to handle Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un.  To keep us safe from terrorism and nuclear war.  To show us a little of the respect you demand from football players for the national anthem.

Gotta say, it doesn't look promising.

Can you imagine what Rex Tillerson is thinking?

I can.

Stupefiedly yours,

Underemployed





Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

I think I have this right:
  1. You went to the Indianapolis Colts game today.
  2. Knowing DAMN WELL that some of the players would kneel during the national anthem.
  3. But you went anyway.
  4. And then, in a GREAT SHOW of what you parade as "patriotism",
  5. You left.
  6. Sputtering, "I left today's Colts game because President Trump and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem."
  7. Knowing, ALSO damn well, that these peaceful protests have NOTHING TO DO with respect for soldiers, flags, or anthems.
  8. Which has been explained at LEAST a zillion times.
  9. But, who cares? 
  10. You and the Clown Prince (during your last playdate) figured it would be a great publicity stunt.
Way to go, Mr. Patriot.  If we had more like you around during the Revolutionary War, we'd be taking a knee for "God Save the Queen".

Sincerely,

Underemployed



Dear Bob Corker

Dear Senator Corker,

Will you marry me?

Love,

Underemployed


Saturday, October 7, 2017

Morons

Dear Mr. Trump,

You:  "They had these beautiful, soft towels, very good towels.  And I came in and there was a crowd of a lot of people, and they were screaming and they were loving everything.  I was having fun, they were having fun.  They said, 'Throw 'em to me!  Throw 'em to me, Mr. President!  So the next day they said, 'Oh, it was so disrespectful to the people.'  It was just a made-up thing.  And also, when I walked in, the cheering was incredible."

Mike Huckabee:  "You were a rock star."


Trust me, there is not a single late-night comic who wants to see you leave office.

And, by the way, Mike Huckabee is a moron, too.

Saludos,

Underemployed



Dear Cyrus Vance, Jr.

Dear Cyrus Jr.,

Well, well, well.

By wild coincidence, I watched the documentary Abacus: Small Enough to Jail a few weeks ago.  It was the first inkling I had of your existence and, I must admit, it did not leave me with a favorable impression.  In fact, I remember - quite clearly - hoping that Purgatory actually exists and that you might do some time there before continuing on to your ultimate destination.

Now, to my delight, I see your name in the news. 

And I think that the Purgatory time is pretty much a go, and that the ultimate destination could in question.

Because right about the time (2012) you, as Manhattan District Attorney, were parading - past reporters - poor non-violent souls, hand-cuffed to each other like in a chain headed for the gulag, you were letting Ivanka and Donald Trump, Jr. off the hook for fraud.

Oh, and right about that time, one of Trump's personal lawyers sent you a campaign contribution (surprise!), because you are such "a person of impeccable integrity".  Two contributions, in fact.  The first one you returned right away, because - well, how would it look?

And the second one (the larger one) you also returned. 

Last week.

Now, some perceptive person in New York is asking that you be "probed". 

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Wouldn't it be lovely to see you, Ivanka, and Junior hand-cuffed together and paraded - in a chain - past some folks from the New York Times? 

Be still my beating heart.

Staying tuned,

Underemployed





Friday, October 6, 2017

A Terrific Idea

At this moment, while 9 out of 10 people in Puerto Rico still have no electricity, and many have no running water...

...Mr. Trump is hosting a Hispanic Heritage event.

(Let that settle into your brain for a minute, and - while you're at it - imagine what it must be like for Puerto Rican families with babies.  And/or elderly.  And/or sick people.)

I am hoping that at least some people at that event toss paper towels.  Not at Mr. Trump, because they'll get arrested, but perhaps to each other, a visible protest in commemoration of his memorable behavior during his visit to that devastated island.

In fact, I hope the paper towel protest toss follows Trump wherever he goes.  Preferably for the rest of his life.

It's a terrific idea.


Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Wait...What?

I just found out that the bill to ease the restrictions on gun silencers is officially called (and I couldn't make something like this up if I tried)...

"The Hearing Protection Act"

Seriously?

If there were an Olympics for Orwellian Euphemisms, this one would take gold.  I would like to meet the genius who dreamt it up.  After saluting his talent, I would drag him by the ear over to a chalkboard and make him write "I will not help whack-jobs buy stuff to kill people with," a thousand times.  Then I would send him to Vanuatu, without his supper.

Also, in case you missed it, Son-of-Trump, (Junior, aka "The Smart One") did an interview last year for a silencer manufacturer, saying that silencers were a great way to "get little kids into the game" of hunting.

I have three thoughts on this:
  1. Junior is even dumber than previously thought.  (Probably.)
  2. Junior should not be left alone with children.  (Possibly.)
  3. The psychotropics I ingested during that one trip to Jamaica in 1975 have finally kicked in.  (Perhaps.)
Now, I offer three alternatives to those Americans who, in the absence of any real understanding of the meaning or intention of the 2nd amendment, would rather see a potentially dangerous firearm accessory more freely available in a country where innocent people are already being menaced by their own crazy-ass fellow citizens, 
  1. Earplugs.
  2. Noise cancelling headphones.
  3. Don't shoot guns.
Easy enough, and no government legislation necessary.  

No bullshit, either.

Dear NRA

Dear NRA,

Per the second amendment to the United States Constitution, what part of "well regulated Militia" don't you understand?

Conscientiously yours,

Underemployed


Sunday, October 1, 2017

Wrapped in the Flag

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross."

- James Waterman Wise

Querido Presidente Ridiculo

Querido Presidente Ridiculo,

Las unicas noticias falsas que hay son las que salen de su boca.

Sus ciudadanos (de veras!),

Puerto Rico