Friday, June 29, 2018

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Dear Trey Gowdy

Dear Trey Gowdy,

I had the impression you were taller.

Compensatingly yours,

Underemployed


Monday, June 25, 2018

On the Other Hand

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

I saw your press conference today.  And I fully understand how and why you got asked to leave a restaurant.

Lying isn't nice either, Sarah.

Honestly,

Underemployed


Manners Are the Happy Way

You shouldn't throw people out of your:
  1. Bakery,
  2. Flower shop,
  3. Chicken restaurant,
  4. Trump rally,
  5. Opium den,
because they are:
  1. Gay,
  2. Not gay,
  3. Annoying the shit out of you,
  4. Republican,
  5. And/or wearing khaki shorts.
You just shouldn't.  It's not nice. 

And Lord knows, we need some adults in this room.



Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Tactical Pants

Dear Scott Pruitt,

Could you please explain to me what a pair of "Tactical Pants" is?  I mean, other than a really good name for a band?

Dazed and confused,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Thorbjorn Jagland just said that you are no longer the moral leader of our country or the world.

Thorbjorn Jagland is one of the five members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, which awards the Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm guessing you can kiss that puppy goodbye.

Nice going,

Underemployed


Dear Kirstjen Nielsen

Dear Kirstjen Nielsen,

What did you think would happen if you went to a Mexican restaurant last night?

Just curious,

Underemployed


The Best Is Yet to Come

"You know, Lars, we are two very good people."

"That is true, Olav."

"In fact, I would say that we are two of the Best People in the whole country."

"I would not disagree."

"Look at us!  We are handsome, smart, and well-educated.  We have good jobs, nice apartments, and new cars.  Our girlfriends are scientists and super-models.  And they can cook!  Great soups, which we do not slurp."

"You are right, Lars.  But what is your point?"

"Well...Olav, I think we should emigrate to the United States."

"But why?  We have great lives here!"

"That is correct.  But their president..."

"The Russian?"

"He is not Russian.  Only dresses like one.  Their president says he wants the Best People to emigrate to the United States.  And we are the Best People."

"But why?  Don't they have their own Best People?"

"No.  Have you ever watched Fox News?"

"Lars, why should people like us, who are the best and are enjoying their lives, want to live somewhere else?"

"Because the United States is the Greatest Country on Earth."

"Oh.  Yes.  Sometimes I forget."

"And the president obviously needs some Best People. The Best People could show him how to comb his hair.  And go suit shopping with him.  Olav, did you know that he is orange?  The Best People do not let things like that happen."

"People shoot each other in the United States, Lars.  A lot."

"They will not shoot at us.  We are tall.  Olav, this is a great opportunity, though the reason escapes me at the moment."

"Then what are we waiting for?  We could take our whole families!"

"Yes!  They are all Best People.  Except for your ugly cousin Dagmar.  Not even blonde.  If we bring her, our country will lose foreign aid from the United States."

"Lars, our country doesn't get foreign aid from the United States."

"Perhaps, if we send them some Best People, they will start giving it to us.  But now that I think of it, our girlfriends might leave us for NBA stars."

"True."

"And if we don't come over on the Queen Mary, they might separate us from our parents."

"Really?"

"And then there is Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Jeff Sessions..."

"Stop!"

"Olav, let's stay home."


Monday, June 18, 2018

To Infinity and Beyond

Dear Mr. Trump,

Dude.  If you can't handle Central American children, you DEFINITELY should not be dominating the universe.

Just saying,

Underemployed


Zero Tolerance

Let's have a zero tolerance policy for liars, racists, assholes, and sniveling cowards.

Then we wouldn't have to impeach him.

Dear Manuel Padilla

Dear Mr. Padilla,

Today, you pointed out that, "We created this situation by not doing anything."

Fair enough.  But the point is that the children didn't create this situation.  And they're the ones being punished for it.

And we're still not doing anything.

Nice try,

Underemployed


Sound Familiar?

"His primary rules were: never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it."

- U.S. Office of Strategic Services Psychological Profile of Adolf Hitler

Multiple Choice

A compilation of Kirstjen Nielsen's greatest hits:
  1. "I actually do not know that, sir."  (i.e., that Norway was predominately white. 1/16/18)
  2. "Operationally what that means is we will have to separate your family."  (5/10/18)
  3. "I do not believe that conclusion that the specific intent was to help President Trump win.  I'm not aware of that."  (5/22/18)
  4. "We do not have a policy of separating families.  Period."  (6/17/18)
Based on the above information, Kirstjen Nielsen is:
  1. Insane.
  2. Really, really dumb.
  3. Inexplicably terrified by some horror yet to be named.
  4. A bad liar.
  5. All of the above.
Whatever she is, she's also - incredibly - the Secretary of Homeland Security.

Feeling secure?


Sunday, June 17, 2018

Dear Children

Dear Children,

I'm sorry that we took you away from your mothers and fathers.  And I'm sorry that another day will come and go and nobody will do anything about it.

But here's the good news:  Everybody (except for, maybe, Jeff Sessions and Steve Miller) HATES what's happening to you!  Mr. Trump hates it, and Paul Ryan hates it, and even Kellyanne Conway (who should never wear green, ever) managed to come up with a shred of maternal-like feeling. 

Mrs. Trump hates it so much that she sent her very own spokesperson to tell everyone how much she hates it.  (Ivanka doesn't seem to care one way or the other, but she's busy with her plans to sell tampons in China, so don't take it personally).  And lots of Senators and Members of the House of Representatives are all really concerned.

However, the need to separate you from your parents seems to be a law of physics.  Nobody, not even The Most Powerful Man in the World Who Has Accomplished More than Anyone in History (to hear him tell it, which we do, every single day, ad nauseam) is apparently able to put an end to this sorry state of affairs.

Now, if it were me, I would probably pick up the phone, ask to speak to the person in charge of things at the border, and say, "Stop it." 

And I doubt I would get an argument.

There's hope.  We will just have to put up with all this grandstanding until Mr. Trump gets his $25,000,000,000 in extortion money, or the 2018 election rolls around in November.  Whichever comes first.

Until then, little ones, be brave.  You've already shown that you're braver than anyone in Congress.

Regretfully yours,

Underemployed


Friday, June 15, 2018

Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

Jesus thinks you're a jerk.

Posthumously yours,

Frank Zappa


Your Attention, Please

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today, during some cringe-worthy, glowing observations about your new boy-crush, Kim Jong Un, you wistfully remarked:

"He speaks and his people sit up at attention.  I want my people to do the same."

Well.

Aside from the obvious, which is that Kim's people only sit up to avoid being sent to a detention camp, I take umbrage with this.

First of all, the only person I can imagining myself sitting up and paying attention to is Robert Mueller.  Secondly, I certainly do not consider myself one of your people.  

But I worry about where all this is going.  I can only surmise that your vision of a Great-Again America includes that we should also:
  1. Eat our vegetables.
  2. Take out the garbage.
  3. Clean our rooms.
  4. Do our homework.
  5. Go to bed on time.
And my guess is that it wouldn't end there.  You'll probably want us to stop hitting our brothers, too. Perhaps you have an obedience fetish, along with some other issues Ronny Jackson failed to notice.

Don't hold your breath,

Underemployed



Wednesday, June 13, 2018

The Fourth Deadly Sin

Justin Trudeau is the new Barack Obama.

Shocking

Dear Mr. Trump,

I admit to being somewhat taken aback when I saw that you used the word "promulgated" in a sentence today.

I would have been really shocked if the sentence had made sense.

Lexiconically yours,

Underemployed


Don't Be Silly

Dear Congressman Matt Gaetz,

I'm sorry, but I find it hard to imagine ANYONE shaking in fear on account of Rod Rosenstein.  But perhaps I'm made of sterner stuff.

I sure hope you weren't driving when you came up with that one.

Dubiously yours,

Underemployed


Sunday, June 10, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Betrayed!  By a (younger than you) back-stabbing (better looking than you) Canadian (and way smarter).  Brownie points to Peter Navarro (a blithering idiot) for pointing out (lickspittle) that there is a special place in hell (next to the one we're in right now) for those who double-cross (infamia!) you (and, by extension, God, I guess).

Hang in there (Putin's got your back).  And trust your instincts (because you sure can't trust your brain).

Inconceivably yours,

Underemployed

Dear Canada

Dear Canada,

I'm sorry.

Sincerely,

The United States



Thursday, June 7, 2018

Truer Words

"If you're involved in a sort of slimy business, that says something about you..."

- Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump's lawyer



Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Monday, June 4, 2018

The Game

"I've got an idea."

"Another one, Your Worship?"

"Don't call me 'Your Worship'.  We're not in public, Jared."  

"Okay, Dad."

"Don't call me Dad.  Call me, 'O! Legitimately-Elected Greatest Leader Ever of the Free World."

"Can I use an acronym?"

"A what?"

"Never mind.  What's the idea?"

"I think we should tell everybody that I have the absolute right to pardon myself."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow!  It's great.  I get people thinking I can pardon myself, and I get to use the word 'absolute' which will get people thinking I have absolute power.  And it's okay.  Fucking brilliant."

"Are you sure that's legal, Dad?"

"We'll make it legal.  That's what absolute power is all about.  And don't call me Dad.  Ever.  If you have to, call me 'Don Corleone'."

"But we're not Sicilians."

"Thank God.  They got some good ideas, though."

"Who should we have break the news?  Kellyanne?"

"Not Kellyanne.  Nobody believes anything she says.  Not even her own husband."

"Sarah?

"Same thing.  Give it to Numb Nuts."

"Giuliani?"

"Sure.  He'll be on all the shows saying some crazy-ass shit, and he can just slip it in somewhere."

"And you think people will buy it?"

"Of course they will.  They buy MAGA hats, don't they?  Anyway, just say it enough times and even you're gonna believe it.  Which you do already, right?  Where's your MAGA hat?"

"At the cleaners."

"I got one right here.  Twenty bucks."

"Thanks, Dad."

"DON'T call me Dad.  Call me 'The Most Legitimately-Elected Stable Genius in Human History'."

"Can I just call you 'The Most'?"

"I like that."

"One question:  What are you going to pardon yourself for?"

"Well, it can't be collusion because collusion's not a crime, and besides, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION.  That's just a WITCH HUNT conducted by 13 ANGRY DEMOCRATS and..."

"Dad.  Calm down.  It's me.  Jared.  You're not tweeting."

"DON'T CALL ME DAD.  How's Ivanka?"

"Working on her Mandarin.  Slow going."

"Well, it can't be obstruction of justice, either.  Because I AM JUSTICE, and I can't obstruct myself.  My lawyers say so.  That's fucking brilliant, too."

"Then what?"

"Let's start small.  What's Stormy Daniels up to these days?"