"In fact, I would say that we are two of the Best People in the whole country."
"I would not disagree."
"Look at us! We are handsome, smart, and well-educated. We have good jobs, nice apartments, and new cars. Our girlfriends are scientists and super-models. And they can cook! Great soups, which we do not slurp."
"You are right, Lars. But what is your point?"
"Well...Olav, I think we should emigrate to the United States."
"But why? We have great lives here!"
"That is correct. But their president..."
"He is not Russian. Only dresses like one. Their president says he wants the Best People to emigrate to the United States. And we are the Best People."
"But why? Don't they have their own Best People?"
"No. Have you ever watched Fox News?"
"Lars, why should people like us, who are the best and are enjoying their lives, want to live somewhere else?"
"Because the United States is the Greatest Country on Earth."
"Oh. Yes. Sometimes I forget."
"And the president obviously needs some Best People. The Best People could show him how to comb his hair. And go suit shopping with him. Olav, did you know that he is orange? The Best People do not let things like that happen."
"People shoot each other in the United States, Lars. A lot."
"They will not shoot at us. We are tall. Olav, this is a great opportunity, though the reason escapes me at the moment."
"Then what are we waiting for? We could take our whole families!"
"Yes! They are all Best People. Except for your ugly cousin Dagmar. Not even blonde. If we bring her, our country will lose foreign aid from the United States."
"Lars, our country doesn't get foreign aid from the United States."
"Perhaps, if we send them some Best People, they will start giving it to us. But now that I think of it, our girlfriends might leave us for NBA stars."
"And if we don't come over on the Queen Mary, they might separate us from our parents."
"And then there is Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Jeff Sessions..."
"His primary rules were: never allow the public to cool off; never admit a fault or wrong; never concede that there may be some good in your enemy; never leave room for alternatives; never accept blame; concentrate on one enemy at a time and blame him for everything that goes wrong; people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one; and if you repeat it frequently enough people will sooner or later believe it."
- U.S. Office of Strategic Services Psychological Profile of Adolf Hitler
I'm sorry that we took you away from your mothers and fathers. And I'm sorry that another day will come and go and nobody will do anything about it.
But here's the good news: Everybody (except for, maybe, Jeff Sessions and Steve Miller) HATES what's happening to you! Mr. Trump hates it, and Paul Ryan hates it, and even Kellyanne Conway (who should never wear green, ever) managed to come up with a shred of maternal-like feeling.
Mrs. Trump hates it so much that she sent her very own spokesperson to tell everyone how much she hates it. (Ivanka doesn't seem to care one way or the other, but she's busy with her plans to sell tampons in China, so don't take it personally). And lots of Senators and Members of the House of Representatives are all reallyconcerned.
However, the need to separate you from your parents seems to be a law of physics. Nobody, not even The Most Powerful Man in the World Who Has Accomplished More than Anyone in History (to hear him tell it, which we do, every single day, ad nauseam) is apparently able to put an end to this sorry state of affairs.
Now, if it were me, I would probably pick up the phone, ask to speak to the person in charge of things at the border, and say, "Stop it."
And I doubt I would get an argument.
There's hope. We will just have to put up with all this grandstanding until Mr. Trump gets his $25,000,000,000 in extortion money, or the 2018 election rolls around in November. Whichever comes first.
Until then, little ones, be brave. You've already shown that you're braver than anyone in Congress.
Today, during some cringe-worthy, glowing observations about your new boy-crush, Kim Jong Un, you wistfully remarked:
"He speaks and his people sit up at attention. I want my people to do the same."
Aside from the obvious, which is that Kim's people only sit up to avoid being sent to a detention camp, I take umbrage with this.
First of all, the only person I can imagining myself sitting up and paying attention to is Robert Mueller. Secondly, I certainly do not consider myself one of your people.
But I worry about where all this is going. I can only surmise that your vision of a Great-Again America includes that we should also:
Eat our vegetables.
Take out the garbage.
Clean our rooms.
Do our homework.
Go to bed on time.
And my guess is that it wouldn't end there. You'll probably want us to stop hitting our brothers, too. Perhaps you have an obedience fetish, along with some other issues Ronny Jackson failed to notice.
Betrayed! By a (younger than you) back-stabbing (better looking than you) Canadian (and way smarter). Brownie points to Peter Navarro (a blithering idiot) for pointing out (lickspittle) that there is a special place in hell (next to the one we're in right now) for those who double-cross (infamia!) you (and, by extension, God, I guess).
Hang in there (Putin's got your back). And trust your instincts (because you sure can't trust your brain).