Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Speaker Ryan,

I don't get you.

True, I am a FIB ("fucking Illinois bitch") and you are a Cheesehead (Wisconsin idiot), so it's not surprising that we don't understand each other.  And I hope my readers appreciate the lesson on Midwest culture wars here.

But as far as I can tell by the loopy, enthralled looks you plaster upon your puffy orange bromance, I think you must be:

1. Simple-minded, or on some really heavy meds.
2. Sincerely enamored of this guy.
3. Afraid Steve Bannon is going to "out" your Hello Kitty collection.

I'm going to choose "All of the above".

Because.  Cheesehead.

Greetings from Illinois,

Underemployed