Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Dear Devin Nunes

Dear Representative Nunes,

Rumor has it that your "secret memo" was more or less dictated to you by denizens of the White House.

This does not surprise me.

I give this rumor credence because:
  1. 99% of the rumors involving the current administration inevitably turn out to be true.
  2. Because the Leaker-in-Chief can't keep his big mouth shut about anything.
  3. And as far as Donald Trump is concerned, you are a human colonoscopy.
So go ahead and release it.  I'm thinking that after the State of the Union address, we'll all need a good laugh.

With bated breath,

Underemployed


Monday, January 29, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Hey, zaika!

Thanks for not imposing those sanctions.  And nice job keeping it out of the headlines.

The check's in the mail,

Poots


Dear Donald Trump, Jr.

Dear Junior,

I just bet a friend $100 that you'll be in jail by this time next year.

So there,

Underemployed


Sunday, January 28, 2018

One More Thing

Dear Mr. Trump,

On Tuesday night, millions of people, around the globe, will be watching you give the State of the Union Address.  Mostly to see if you do anything stupid.

No pressure,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You are a man of superlatives.

Everything with you is the biggest, the best, the greatest, the highest, the strongest, the most.  That anyone has ever seen.  And NOBODY knows more about (insert random object here) than you do.

It makes for a great drinking game (the greatest that anybody has ever played).  And a good running joke (the funniest in history).  You will notice that, when you visit other countries, your hosts get in on the joke, and happily play to your love of self-aggrandizement.  That marching band in Davos was a hoot.  By the way, I hear the president of Egypt is planning to greet you with Cleopatra rolled up in a rug.

But even you would struggle to find superlatives hyperbolic enough to describe spending 23.7 million dollars on a couple of refrigerators.

$23,657,671, to be precise, which was the contract you authorized to Boeing to build these beauties for Air Force One.

Yes, I understand that the refrigerators will have "bespoke equipment requirements", which means "custom-made", and nice use of Brit-speak here.  Americans will accept anything a British person tells them.

And I understand that the refrigerators are going to be on an airplane.

And I understand that "the engineering required to design, manufacture, conduct environmental testing, and obtaining FAA certification are included in the cost."

But let's look at this rationally.

I have recently purchased a refrigerator.  It cost $500.  It keeps things cold.  And it does a very nice job. 

My new refrigerator holds enough food for about one week's worth of meals, approximately 21, a little more if you count the marinara sauce in the freezer.  The Air Force One refrigerators will hold about 3000 meals.  

I have a simple mind.  So, for the sake of argument, let's just scale up the cost of my refrigerator to 3000 meals.  If my math is correct, my refrigerator would cost around $75,000.  Two of them would cost $150,000, more or less.

Now let's subtract that number from $23,657,671.

And, given that you could get the environmental testing and FAA certification for cheap or free, we are left with:

$23,507,671  

To cover the cost of the engineering to design and manufacture.  

Which is making me want to pull my kid out of Harvard and send him to Refrigerator Engineering School.

Best deal ever,

Underemployed




Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Thank You for Calling

"Thank you for calling Underemployed Is the New Organic.  I can't take your call right now, because I just saw The Darkest Hour and I have decided to never surrender.  Squad goals.  Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you on V-Day."

Monday, January 22, 2018

Dear Chuck Schumer

Dear Senator Schumer,

What were you FUCKING thinking?

Furiously yours,

Underemployed


Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Speaker Ryan,

Why you sneaky little cheesehead you!

Just a few days after the Rich Bastards' Piggy Bank Tax Bill was passed, with your indispensable help, the Koch family dropped half-a-million dollars on "Team Ryan" (I shudder to think), your personal war chest.  And five other billionaires apparently thought they should pitch in to match the funds.

Tell me you did not see this coming.

In a way I'm relieved, because I finally have a plausible explanation for the bovine-animal look you get on your face every time you're in Trump's orbit, which I previously attributed to you sipping out of the Diet Coke that contains his meds.

Since you have said that you are not running again when your term is up, allow me a few questions:
  1. You didn't specify which office you weren't running for again.  Does that mean you think the American people are brain dead enough to elect you president?  (In that case, you might want to wipe that mooncow grin off your face.)
  2. If you really intend to retire and write sonnets in the idyllic wilderness of Wisconsin, who might be the ultimate recipient of this million-dollar largesse?
True, many Americans (with the help of their Russian friends) were brain dead enough to vote for Trump, so a presidential run might look like a cakewalk to you.  And a million bucks can go a long way.  

But I think our memories might have gotten a little longer since then.

Just saying,

Underemployed





Saturday, January 20, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Thank you for your tweet about this year's Women's March.  However, for the record:
  1. I didn't notice any women celebrating "historic milestones" or "economic success".
  2. But there were lots of signs that said "It's Mueller Time".  
  3. And our crowd size was bigger than your crowd size.
You were right about one thing, though.  The weather was beautiful. 

As was the spirit of the day. 

Good luck in 2018,

Underemployed



Dear America

Dear America,

Trust me.  You won't miss it.

Enduringly yours,

Underemployed


Wednesday, January 17, 2018

I Got a 30!

Dear Dr. Ronny Jackson,

I just took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment.  And whew!  Am I relieved!

I mean, I'm a person who can't remember which side of my mouth I just flossed, and now I feel sure that I have the cognitive abilities to be President of the United States:
  1. I know my alphabet.  In order!
  2. I can copy a cube.
  3. AND draw a clock.  WITH all the numbers on it.
  4. I can identify THREE animals from shithole countries.
  5. And I know what the cow says.  (It wasn't on the assessment, but just so you know.)
  6. I can remember five words.
  7. AND five numbers.
  8. AND I can even say three numbers BACKWARDS.  (Kim Jong Un, look out!)
  9. I can identify the letter "A".  Over and over again.
  10. I can subtract 7 from 100, FIVE WHOLE TIMES!!!
  11. I can repeat two sentences.
  12. I can think of 11 or more words that begin with the letter "F".  In under a minute!
  13. I know what a choo-choo is.  And how it's like my bicycle.
  14. AND I can tell you what a watch and ruler have in common (though I had to think about that for a minute).
  15. I know the date ('cuz it's on my phone).
  16. And the month ('cuz it's my birthday next week).
  17. And the year ('cuz I'm counting the days to 2020).
  18. And it's Wednesday.
  19. And I'm in Chicago.
  20. Illinois, USA.  
I can even tell you what PLANET I live on.  Which seems to be different than the one you live on, since it seems to have escaped your notice that there's something a little...shall we say...unusual about your celebrity patient's behavior.  But, hey!  You were appointed by Barack Obama, so you must have had something on the ball.

Once.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed


Is It Me?

Am I the only one who suspects that the Trump/Bannon breakup is pure theater?

Dear Michael Wolff

Dear Mr. Wolff,

I was wondering why you called your book "Fire and Fury" instead of "Tantrums and Tiny Hands".  But thank you for not calling it "The Great Transition", given the fact that the Boychurian Candidate probably only read the title.  

Looking forward to a sequel,

Underemployed


Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Another Pop Quiz

What is the difference between these two sentences?
  1. "Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?"
  2. "Why are we having all these people from shithouse countries come here?"
If you answered "nothing", you would be correct.

If you answered that this all sounds like some bullshit concocted by a bunch of fucking third-graders, you would also be correct.

But at least they got "Fire and Fury" out of the headlines, right?

Mission accomplished.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Apostrophe D-gate

Pop quiz:

What is the difference between these two sentences?
  1. "I probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un."
  2. "I'd probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un."
If you said that the first statement is a positive statement of fact in the present tense, and the second statement is a lame attempt by a lunatic to cover up yet another telling example of his tenuous grip on reality, you would be correct.  Kudos to the White House staffer who came up with the brilliant idea that Trump should insist he actually used the conditional tense.

"I'd" = "I would" or "I could".  Which would make sense, at least grammatically.  It sounds plausible in a tweet, because it's difficult to sound irredeemably insane in 140 characters.  

But is, in fact, not true.

Aside from the fact that there is an audio of the interview, which clearly supports the Wall Street Journal's original reporting, the problem is that Mr. Trump followed up his statement with this bit of braggadocio: 

"I have relationships with people.  I think you people are surprised." 

The only surprising relationship to which he possibly could have been referring was his fantasy relationship with Kim Jung Un (don't wanna go there please don't make me go there).  And, yes, I was surprised, given the evidence of my own senses.  And I wondered (briefly) what his very good relationships with Melania and the kids might be like. 

Now Mr. Sweet Potato Head is saying that "obviously" he didn't say he had a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un. 

Because, you know, that would be crazy. 

And, like, he really used the conditional tense. 

And I really wish there were (subjunctive) an audio of someone explaining that to him.



Friday, January 12, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're right.  When you disparaged Haiti and African countries as shitholes, you were just saying what many people think, but won't say.

Those people are generally known as "morons".

For the record,

Underemployed


Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tell me you did not say this:

"We are going to take a strong look at our country's libel laws so that when somebody says something that is false and defamatory about someone, that person will have meaningful recourse in our courts."

Wow.

Maybe you didn't compose that statement, because it's coherent and contains a few big words.  But you did agree to say it, apparently not fully comprehending what it means.

At the risk of stating the obvious, it means that - should you pursue this line of thinking -  your lawyers will be spending a LOT of time handling people seeking "meaningful recourse".

Starting, perhaps, with Barack Obama.

And James Comey.

Be careful what you wish for,

Underemployed


Tuesday, January 9, 2018

Dear Sebastian Gorka

Dear Mr. Gorka,

I'm impressed.

Well, not really.  But I do find your description of Michael Wolff as an "oleaginous scribe" to be an interesting use of the English language.  Personally, I would describe him as a "perfidious quill driver", but then I don't have the benefit of your supposititious education.

But I guess if you're getting five minutes worth of attention, you gotta make the most of it.

Contumeliously yours,

Underemployed


Monday, January 8, 2018

Dear Michael Wolff

Dear Mr. Wolff,

Nice try.

A valiant effort, in fact, but unfortunately he's still here.  I'm guessing that's because you really didn't tell us anything that anyone who's been paying the least amount of attention didn't already know.

And, of course, there's his army of D-list politicos rallying to his defense.  Mainly because they realize that their association with The Orange One will render them unemployable for the rest of their lives.  Which sort of makes me wonder what Lindsey Graham is up to, but we'll find out soon enough and it can't be anything good.

Party on, and good luck with that,

Underemployed


Dear Oprah

Dear Oprah,

My January just got a whole lot brighter.

Let's do it,

Underemployed




Wednesday, January 3, 2018

And While You're at It...

...please send Trump's kids to permanent summer camp.

Enough, Already

Will somebody please throw the coke in the Potomac and tie up his tiny hands?  I, for one, would like to live long enough to see a reboot of "All My Children".

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Bigger! More Powerful! And It Works!

We're talking about buttons here, right?


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today I plead the case of Huma Abedin.  

I know you're feeling a little cranky today.  I know Washington, D.C. isn't West Palm Beach.  I know you've been treated very unfairly in recent days by the fake news, who seems to delight in taking unflattering photographs of you on the golf course wearing a polo shirt tucked into giant grandpa pants.  (Speaking of which.  Dude.  Whoa.  When your waistline is broader than your shoulders, it's time for a fashion makeover.  Unless you're trying to look like a Weeble Wobble.  Maybe Ivanka could design you something?  It would make her feel important.)

But back to Huma.  Married to one of the most loathsome slugs that ever crawled this planet, poor lady, and you want to send her to jail?  She's been in jail!  She's been in HELL, actually.  And I, for one, say she's suffered enough.

So leave her alone.  Chill out.  Go talk to Anthony Scaramucci, who seems to think you're a sentient being.  Or a total chump.  Whatever.  I'll bet he's the one who gave you the idea that your very existence in the White House prevents airplanes from crashing.

And know this:  if someone wanted to put Melania in jail, I'd cut her the same slack.

For the same reason.

Charitably yours,

Underemployed