Right?

Nothing says "maximum pressure campaign" to denuclearize North Korea like a visit from Ivanka Trump.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Give teachers guns?  Do you remember your seventh grade math teacher?

'Nuff said,

Underemployed

Presidential Daily Brief

Thursday, February 22nd, 2018

Status:  Classified

For:  Donald J. Trump
Also for:  The person designated to read this to Donald J. Trump.  And anybody else within earshot.

Today's Intelligence

1. Barack Obama is not the president.  
2. Hillary Clinton is not the president.
3. Actually, you seem to be the president.
4. Though a lot of people have their doubts.  Including you.
5. Paul Ryan is calling for a bipartisan investigation into the need for Congressional towel charms.
6. Robert Mueller's investigation seems to be coming to an end.
7. The end being your balls on a platter.
8. Hope Hicks needs a refill on her Xanax.  (Action required.  Fast.)
9. Ivanka is cute.  She's not that cute.
10. McDonald's is doing Shamrock Shakes.

Today's Schedule

1. Executive Time (Twitter).
2. Lunch.
3. Polish Mike Pence.
4. Dinner.
5. Executive Time (phone).  Call people who will call New York Times.  Blame Adam Schiff.

Signs of the Apocalypse

Signs of the Apocalypse:

1. Joel Osteen on CBS

Dear Mitt Romney

Dear Mr. Romney,

How lovely that you've stepped up to be the adult in the room!  I am SO reassured about having a potential candidate for president in 2020 who is willing, daring, to take the necessary steps to prevent another mass-shooting tragedy in the United States, including:

1. "preventative measures"
2. like "strengthening the FBI database for firearm background checks"
3. and "enhancing school security".

(Nothing to upset the NRA.  No worries, the check is in the mail.)

And not a word about actual gun control. 

Which is why I will never, ever vote for you for president.  And I don't think I'm alone on this.

Think about it,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I am touched, moved, and - dare I say? - overwhelmed at the sacrifice you made NOT TO PLAY GOLF TODAY in order to honor the victims of the latest American school shooting.

I understand how much golf means to you (at least I'm trying to).  And I also understand how important it was to notify someone in the media (Bloomberg, because nobody else was answering the phone) of your momentous renunciation, given all the fake news out there that continues to portray you as a mentally-challenged sociopath.

And I almost feel sorry for the "White House aide" who had to call Bloomberg with this earth-shattering news.  Who almost certainly had to end the call with something like, "That's my job, asshole."

But, hey! you've done your part.  And tomorrow is Sunday, and there's no rain in the forecast. 

So hang in there.

Sleep well,

Underemployed

Dear Robert Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

What's your mailing address?  I wanna send you a calzone!

Your fan,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent
(and a really good cook)

"Unwitting Individuals"

And who's more unwitting than Donald Trump?

Today's Menu

How do you want your White House?

• Over easy
• Demilitarized
• Like a kindergarten class with the teacher out of the room
• Racist, sexist, misogynist, homophobic, gun-lovin', God-fearin' Christian
• Russkiy
• Glutton-free

And would you like a drink before the war?

Dear Scott Pruitt

Dear Mr. Pruitt,

Try not being a dick and maybe people in coach class won't be so mean to you.

Just a thought,

Underemployed

P.S.  I admit to being surprised that the people in first class treat you any better.

Dear Ted Cruz

Dear Ted Cruz,

Shut up.

Thank you,

Underemployed

Some More Math

contemporaneous police reports + FBI testimony, under oath + photographs  ≠  "mere allegations"

Dear Mr. Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

Apparently, there's no daylight except what's in your tiny little mind.  And don't confuse daylight with the warm, orange glow radiating from the spray tans in the Oval Office.

And if you ever wondered as to your purpose in life, it is to play the role of the dweeby little brother who everybody wishes would just go home.

Best to Mother,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You don't like women very much, do you?

I'll change that to "most women", since you like Ivanka.  A lot.  And  I understand, to paraphrase Fire and Fury, that you do allow certain women to populate your environment as long as they have long hair, and wear skirts and high boots. 

(Could you give Kellyanne a reprieve from that?  TBH, your style sense isn't doing her any favors.)

If Steve Bannon is an indication - and where you're involved, he usually is - your preferred social arrangement is a patriarchy.  In the true biblical sense.  Which explains your crush on Roy Moore.  And the Mafia. 

And Russia.   

Hope Hicks seems to have taken this to heart. Not surprising, given her taste in men.  But if you indeed - as I suspect - have any patriarchal power over her at all, please use it for the good and for God's sake keep her away from Anthony Scaramucci.

Take my advice.  No good will come of your war on women.  Given the motivation (which you have) and the opportunity (which we have), we hold the power to make your life miserable. 

Keep in mind, for example, that we vote.  And frequently prepare your food.

And, I promise, we will find a way to thwart you, if it takes 100,000 years.

Which it has.

Anti-patriarchically yours,

Underemployed

Dear Hope Hicks

Dear Hope Hicks,

You have really, REALLY bad taste in men.

Misgivingly yours,

Underemployed

Dear Cadet Bone Spurs

Dear Mr. Trump,

I just wanted to see how that looked in print.  Well, I'm loving it.  And, BTW:  Lieutenant Colonel Tammy Duckworth is the bomb.

And your nemesis.  I hope.

Sincerely,

Underemployed

Nice Job

Dear Mr. Trump,

Did I thank you for the big, beautiful tax cut yet?

Destitutely yours,

Underemployed

Let's See a Show of Hands

Who still wants to see Trump's tax returns?

Just Wondering

To whose advantage is the exculpation of a low-life slug like Carter Page?

Dear Matt Gaetz

Dear Representative Gaetz,

Aside from wondering what exactly it is that you're representative of, let me just say that I find it highly suitable that you - with Trump golfing, Roy Moore gone, and Devin Nunes real busy - are stepping up as the resident Village Idiot in Republicanville.

Vigilantly yours,

Underemployed

Dear Michael Wolff

Dear Mr. Wolff,

I just finished reading Fire and Fury.  And I'm a little perplexed.

First of all, let me congratulate you on a fine book.  My husband (commonly regarded as a sane person, unlike me) is reading it now, and he agrees.  I am very much a literature snob and I can truly say that, though I think it is obvious that the book was rushed into publication (with good reason) before a final edit, it is well written.  And entertaining.  And informative.

And if it's all bullshit...then, dude, you're Tolstoy.

What I find perplexing is the antipathy towards Fire and Fury on the part of the media.  Left and right.  The book is more descriptive than vindictive, so the criticisms of it seem to be a bit overwrought.  Maybe you just rub people the wrong way.  I can see that.

But thank you for the good read.  I highly recommend it.  And I look forward to a sequel.

If you can find anyone who will talk to you.

Your fan,

Underemployed