Dear General Kelly

Dear General Kelly,

You recently made some - well, I'll say "interesting" since it's more polite than "fucking stupid" - remarks about undocumented immigrants in the United States:

1. They are "overwhelmingly rural people" who would not "easily assimilate...into our modern society."  (I wonder what American farmers would think about that.  If they were paying attention.)
2. They come from "fourth-, fifth-, and sixth-grade educations".  (Which makes them better educated than your boss.)
3. "They don't speak English; obviously that's a big thing."  (Obviously.)
4. "They don't integrate well..."  (With people like you calling the shots, I'm wondering why they should want to.)
5. "...they don't have skills."  (As defined by the urbane, educated, skillful person who spends his days kissing a monkey's butt.)

I'm racking my brain here to think of how the people you are describing differ from my Sicilian immigrant great-grandparents.  And the answer is:  they don't.  But - surprise! - my family managed to (eventually) assimilate quite nicely.  My daughter attends the University of Chicago and my son is at Harvard. 

Some things take a little time.

When you're done congratulating yourself on the accidents of history that bequeathed your Irish immigrant ancestors the ability to speak English, maybe you could work on learning a skill.

Like compassion.

Third-generationally yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Well!

Now that all the smart (read: BORING) people are gone, I'll bet you're ready for a little fun.  And what's more fun (to you, anyway, probably because you don't drink) than a big, expensive military PARADE??!

Think of it:  Wow wow wow!  Tanks!  Bombs!  John Philip Sousa!  Majorettes!  Generals!  Shiny buttons!  LOTS of flyovers (zoom zoom)!  Soldiers with BIG guns!  Lots of soldiers, all marching by YOU, saluting their

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there you'll be - tall, at attention, big belly sucked in, mean old orange Mussolini face - proudly saluting them back.  Now we're talking presidential!

Who's a big boy now?

Full speed ahead!  Your advisors and your little friends in Congress will be more than happy to keep you distracted with all these cool new toys.  And there's no one left in the White House to tell you no.

Well, there's one person.

But if you eat all your vegetables and put on your pajamas right away, maybe Uncle General Kelly will let you play with your trucks.

Bye-bye,

Underemployed

Dear Susan Collins

Dear Senator Collins,

Thank you.  I will sleep well tonight.  Though I would sleep even better if somebody would shut down President Pumpkinhead's Twitter account.  (Time for some aggressive action, General Kelly, don't you think?)

I would also like you to know that you are my hero and my role model and I want to be you when I grow up.  

And if you run for president, I will send you money.

Your fan,

Underemployed

Dear General Kelly

Dear General Kelly,

For crying out loud, can't you give this guy KP or something?

http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/346995-trump-resurrects-pigs-blood-myth-after-barcelona-attack

Please,

Underemployed