Saturday, December 30, 2017

Great Idea

Dear Mr. Trump,

I've got a great idea.  Why not host a golf outing for North Korea?  

I'm sure Kim wouldn't mind a little Florida sunshine, and you two could duke out your differences on the golf course.  Hell, he might even defect!

If it works, you'll never have to haul your sorry ass away from Mar-a-Lago again.

Think about it,


Border Wall

Can we build one around Mar-a-Lago? 


Thursday, December 28, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It took a while, but I finally figured out your strategy on climate change:  you're simply going to steal enough money from American taxpayers to buy your grandchildren a new planet to live on.

Either that, or you're just a huge dickhead.

Warm wishes,


Dear Devin Nunes

Dear Representative Nunes,

Which is it?
  1. You are being paid.
  2. You are being blackmailed.
  3. You are just plain stupid and/or crazy.
Just wondering,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I think you should take some time and consider why it is that your annual physical examination should be headline news.

If you come up empty, let me know, and I promise to be tactful.

Perceptively yours,


Sunday, December 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Ebenezer Trump,

Dude, lighten up.  It's Christmas, for crying out loud!  And you're the "Merry Christmas" guy, right? 

So walk the walk.



P.S.  Spoiler alert:  No one ever stopped saying Merry Christmas.  No matter what Steve Bannon told you.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mike Pence,

You looked like a real badass in your Afghanistan photo op the other day.  Unfortunately, it's not based on anything genuine.  Bet you gave Mother a thrill, though.

Dismissively yours,


Dear Reince Priebus

Dear Mr. Priebus,

Welcome back.  We missed your obsequiousness at the last Cabinet meeting.

Expectantly yours,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I don't think you quite understand this whole Special Counsel/FBI "prosecutorial bias" thing.

I know those are big, fancy words, but I think I can give you some insight into the situation. Apparently, your family/friends/staff have not yet done so, probably for the following reasons:
  1. They would be forced to acknowledge their own dismal unpopularity, everybody.
  2. They're afraid you'll stop giving them money.
  3. They're really not very bright.
Here's the real deal: 

The truth is, if one were to sample ANY random group of human beings on this planet - possibly including your immediate family - one would find a remarkably high percentage of people who find you contemptible.

And that's because you are.

Veraciously yours,


Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Begging Your Pardon

Dear Mr. Trump,

So your gang of castrati orchestrates a smear campaign against the Special Counsel and the FBI, paving the way for you to pardon all the poor innocents being abused by those mean old Hillary-loving bastards. 

I mean, what other choice do you have?  That's what everybody* says.

And your henchmen don't feel the need to "flip" and you don't have to fire Robert Mueller.  Do I have that right?

Just wondering,



Monday, December 18, 2017

Dear Senator Bob Corker

Dear Senator Corker,

I had high hopes for you.

Never mind,


Sunday, December 17, 2017

Dear Doug Jones

Dear Senator Jones,

First of all, congratulations on your election.  Secondly, sexual abuse is a real issue facing the people of this country.

Just so you know,


Saturday, December 16, 2017

Banned Words

Dear Mr. Trump,

Did you ever see the movie, "Pee-wee's  Big Adventure"?  In the movie, there's a character named Andy (who sort of reminds me of you, but hairier and better dressed), of whom it is said, "He flunked French in high school and now he thinks everybody over there is out to make him look dumb."

Which pretty much sums up your attitude towards science.

Apparently, you and your clown car of senior advisors don't seem to understand how science works.  I promise you, science does not operate "in consideration with community standards and wishes". 

Thank God.  Galileo, for one, was notorious for not considering community standards and wishes.  Besides, it might actually come back to bite you on the butt, if the "community" in question has smart people in residence.  Or Druids.

But whatever your lack of education and/or common sense betrays, I am particularly concerned today with your (erroneous, I hope) idea that you have the power to ban words from the English language.

And the choice of words you are trying to ban makes me (to quote an American patriot) mildly nauseous. 

So - in retaliation - I hereby declare that, in the future, the following words be banned from any and all of your communications:
  1. neutality
  2. bigly
  3. crooked
  4. fake
  5. witch
  6. hunt
  7. Steve
  8. pussy
  9. covfefe
  10. JaredIvankaDonaldJrEric
I can think of more, but ten is a nice, round number and probably the limit of your attention span.

Well, at least we know what your phone call with Vladimir was all about.

Vulnerably yours,


Friday, December 15, 2017

Silly Me

Trump isn't going to do anything too stupid (on the Trump scale) until he gets the Jared Kushner Rescue Fund and Tax Bill passed.

So Omarosa is really the smokescreen for the tax bill swindle.  My mistake (see previous post, I Hope). 

Mueller's got another week.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

I Hope

I hope - I sincerely hope - that Mr. Trump is not going to use all this drama with Omarosa as a smokescreen for firing Robert Mueller.

If I were a cynical person, I might speculate it was concocted for that very purpose...

Dear not-Senator Moore

Dear Mr. Moore,

You need to calm down.  Maybe your friend Steve will take you out for a drive.  And maybe he could take you somewhere to talk to some very nice people who will really, really understand what you're going through right now.

Or maybe you could have a whiskey - I don't think God hates whiskey - and a bit of a lie-down.  And try not to think about sodomy.  It only upsets you.

Maybe a cruise?  Somewhere far, far away?

Just a thought,


Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Dear Roy Moore

Dear not-Senator Moore,

Just when I think you couldn't be a dumber son-of-a-bitch, you still have the ability to surprise me.  Screw you, and the horse you rode in on.

Go away,


P.S.  And take Steve Bannon with you.

The People of Alabama Have Spoken

And changed the world.

Thank you.

(And a special thank you to Lee Busby.  You made a difference.  I'll hold your beer anytime.)

Dear Jay Sekulow, Esq.

Dear Mr. Sekulow,

THAT, my dear, is one spectacularly bad rug.



Dear America

Dear America,

"Lightweight Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, a total flunky for Chuck Schumer and someone who would come to my office 'begging' for campaign contributions not so long ago (and would do anything for them), is now in the ring fighting against Trump.  Very disloyal to Bill & Crooked-USED!"

We're trusting this guy to handle North Korea?


Think about it,


Poetic Justice

Dear Senator Gillibrand,

Thank you.  He's going down. 

We can do it.

Your sister,


P.S.  And thank you for removing any lingering fears I had about Ivanka Trump being the first woman President of the United States.  Now I can concentrate on my lingering fears involving global warming.

Dear Kayla Moore

Dear Mrs. Moore,

Thank you for using "fellowship" as a verb.  It explains so very much.  How's that Biblical Patriarchy working out for you?

By the way, do you know that you look like your husband in drag?

Observantly yours,


Dear Lindsey Graham

Dear Lindsey Graham,

You're a cheap date.

Don't order the steak,


Sunday, December 10, 2017

Feel the Buzz

"Hold my beer, we will just see about that."

- Colonel Lee Busby, when he heard that the Republican party had given up on a write-in candidate for the Alabama senate election.

It is now my guiding principal for life.

Dear Lee Busby

Dear Colonel Busby,

I'm gonna ask St. Anthony to find you some VOTES!

You're the man,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent to Underemployed

Dear Richard Shelby

Dear Senator Shelby,

Thank you.

Your friend,


Saturday, December 9, 2017

The Movement to Ignore Trump

Finally, and after much consideration, I have figured out a way to get rid of Donald Trump:

Ignore him.

True, we might find it difficult to ignore a person who is insulting us, swindling us, destroying our futures, grabbing our pussies, and inviting someone to drop a nuclear bomb on our heads.  But, to be fair, I don't think many of these (except for the pussy-grabbing) are Trump's original ideas, and protesting him will do very little to solve our problems.  It would only serve to keep his name on the front page and ringing in our ears.

Which is exactly what he wants.

So let's not give it to him. 

I have a feeling that he would soon be off to greener and more publicity-fertile pastures, with the results of his physical exam (by a real doctor this time) in January providing a convenient escape.

In the meantime, I appreciate the difficulty of ignoring a large, orange, raging blob in one's face, and offer the following suggestions:
  1. Do not financially support his "brand".  That means no Trump hotels, golf courses, universities, vodka, steaks, wine, cow magnets, or MAGA hats.  I doubt many people would find this to be a hardship.
  2. Pay no attention to his children.  Oh, you weren't?  Okay, done.
  3. Turn off the television.  Get your news from newspapers and magazines.  I recommend Mad Magazine.  And maybe The Economist.
  4. Do not click on any Internet article with the word "Trump" in it.  The Internet keeps track of this stuff.  And will soon forget he exists.  You may, however, click on anything titled, "Trump Resigns".
  5. Do not attend protests, speeches, rallies, fundraisers.  If you do, put duct tape over your mouth, stand very still, and hum tonelessly.
  6. Feel free to ignore anybody even vaguely associated with Trump.  Personally, I would be delighted to ignore Nikki Haley. 
  7. Do not vote for anybody Trump endorses, though there's usually reason enough not to vote for these candidates, even without his endorsement.
  8. Say "Happy Holidays" to everybody.  Even your grandmother.  Do it all year round.
  9. Watch the NFL compulsively.  
  10. Do not even say Trump's name.  Like Lord Voldemort.  Which can be rearranged to read, "Old Troll Mover".  And Donald Trump can be rearranged to read, "Dolt Ran Dump".  Coincidence?  You decide.
Of course, this movement will only be successful if it's global. 

But I have faith.

(And by the way, hot shot, your approval rating is only around 38%.  No matter what your knot of toads are telling you.)  

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Dear Al Green

Dear Representative Green,

You have my undivided attention.

Your friend,


Dear Robert Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

Go get 'em, Bob.

Thankfully yours,


Dear Susan Collins

Dear Senator Collins,

Nice try, but methinks that you and Senator Flake have been - how shall I say this...?


As have we all.

Dispiritedly yours,


Saturday, December 2, 2017

Dear Blake Farenthold

Dear (soon to be ex-)Representative Farenthold,

Thank you for being yesterday's comic relief.  Actually, if I lived in your district you would be every day's comic relief (hello, duckie pajamas!  see previous post All Hat, No Cattle), although the taxpayers from whom you took $84,000 might not find you so funny.

$84,000!  That must have been a humdinger.  Why do Texans persist in thinking they're all cowboys?

At any rate, I'm sure Susan Collins will sleep better tonight knowing she will never face another challenge to a duel. 

God willing and the crick don't rise.

Happy trails,


Friday, December 1, 2017

Trump Tostado

Vaya con Dios.  It's just a matter of time...

Lock Him Up

Just sayin'.

And don't forget:  While you're watching the very shiny object of Michael Flynn pleading guilty to lying to the FBI, Mr. Trump and his friends will be taking advantage of the opportunity to pocket your future.