Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

Jesus thinks you're a jerk.

Posthumously yours,

Frank Zappa

Wrong

Okay, I was wrong. 

It's Sunday, noon has come and gone, and the Flying Monkey is still here.

Though the Wicked Witch of the West Wing has started dropping ominous hints (actually, he's having his friends drop ominous hints while he cowers).  So maybe my timing is off.  Or maybe he's just trying to make sure we all tune in for the next episode of "Clown Car Cabinet".

But I can't imagine that he's going to let Stormy Daniels - or anyone else - sweep the headlines. 

And a lot can happen between now and 6:00 pm...

Just a Hunch

Jeff Session will be gone by noon tomorrow.

Dear Jeff Sessions

Congratulations!

It's not every day that one is referred to as "brilliant and courageous".  True, this compliment was showered upon you by John Dowd, Esq., attorney for Donald Trump.  Who may not be the best judge of character. 

But still.

In a hundred million years, I wouldn't think to choose the words "brilliant" and "courageous" to describe you.  Especially after that shining example of courage and brilliance you displayed yesterday.  

But, hey!  Daddy's happy (maybe, sort of), right?  And the world is now safe from the terrible Andrew McCabe, who surely deserved the full force of your brilliant and courageous wrath.  So what do I know?  How many times have I been called brilliant and/or courageous?  Even by the likes of a Trump attorney who, by definition, sets his standards pretty low?

Answer:  Zero

And it seems it might be best to keep it that way.

Go get 'em, tiger!

Underemployed

Opioid Crisis

Dear Mr. Trump,

Here's your Opioid Policy:

Legalize Marijuana

Fuck Jeff Sessions.

One and done,

Underemployed

Conspiracy Alert!

Dear Mr. Trump,

The news was a bit unsettling this morning.  

There's Houston still breaking our hearts, and they haven't seen anything yet if the EPA continues its rather disinterested approach.  Please tell Scott Pruitt (if you can find him) to turn off  the video game and get to work.  

Then there's North Korea thumping its chest today.  I hope you're tired from your trip to Houston, and you won't do anything too strenuous when you thump back.  Maybe you could apply your "Never Met a Dictator I Didn't Like!" philosophy to finding a way to make friends with this guy.  Or just agree to designate the chest thumping as "For Display Purpose Only".

But the BIG news, and this is what you really need to worry about, is the seizure of Russian posts in DC and New York.  Are you finally getting tough on Putin?  I'm guessing no, that it was the State Department's (i.e., Jeff Sessions') idea.  There seems to be something of a search going on.  And a cover-up, too, given the column of black smoke coming from the San Francisco consulate. 

I mean, they weren't electing a pope in there.

So what is Mr. Sessions looking for?  I propose one of the following:

1. Stuff to exonerate you.
2. Stuff to convict you. 

Given the recent bumps in your relationship with Mr. Sessions (who might have a long memory), I'd choose #2 and take up drinking if I were you.

Think about it:  President Pence/Vice President Sessions.  It could happen.

And it would made Steve Bannon very, very happy.  

Just a heads up,

Underemployed

Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

My fork says you're done.

'Bye,

Underemployed

Dear Alabama

And you thought Jeff Sessions was a psychopath.

Here's a glimpse at the heirs apparent to his vacant throne in Alabama.  From NBC News:

"...ahead of the August 15 primary to fill the Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the leading GOP candidates are accusing each other of showing insufficient loyalty to the president, whom they speak of with divine reverence.

"Incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who was appointed to fill the seat temporarily in February, called Trump's election a 'Biblical miracle.' Roy Moore, the twice-elected, twice-deposed Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, said, 'God…sent Donald Trump in there.' And Rep. Mo Brooks, a Tea Party favorite, has vowed to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until the president's border wall gets built."

(Now, I have it on good authority that there are normal people who live in Alabama, too.  How do they do it?  Do they just stay stoned all the time, like Willie Nelson in Texas?  Or do they just huddle in enclaves, shrouded in shared delusion?)

But wait, there's more:

"Two of Stranges' campaign ads feature him firing a handgun equipped with a silencer at 'Obama's amnesty plan' in order to call attention to his support for a bill to cut taxes on silencers."

(Seriously?  But I suppose that would be what one should expect from somebody named Luther Strange.)


Dear Alabama, 

Any chance you guys want to try to secede from the Union again?  I'm sure the rest of the country would be just fine with that now.

Think about it,

Underemployed

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient.  And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."

REALLY?!?  

What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:

1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
12. Jeff Sessions.

(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed

 

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

"Nobody has a sense of humor anymore," you recently bemoaned to a television interviewer when your witty remarks about Hawaii (see previous post, "Aloha!") seemed to fall flat.

You may be right.  But have you considered that you are the reason for this?

In the meantime, to get America laughing again:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imWlSMgMFGE

And my proposed entries into this year's competition:

Cheers!

Underemployed

Aloha!

Aloha, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!

Greetings from an island in the Pacific!  You know, that one island...or maybe there's more than one...sort of like neighborhoods or counties or districts or something, yeah, that's it...Hawaii!  Home of beautiful beaches, a big-ass telescope, volcanoes, a Polynesian cultural heritage, Maui Wowie (good stuff that good people don't smoke), and - yes! - actual federal judges.  With all the actual federal powers that other federal judges have.

Amazing, no?  So you say.

And so are we, equally amazed that even wonky-eared little toads named Beauregard born in boondock (from the Tagalog, meaning "backwater hell-hole") Alabama can wield power in this great (or will-be great, once your bloated bromance gets back from Palm Beach) country.  

Dude, it's called democracy.  You're the Attorney-fucking-General.  You shouldn't have to Google that. 

With one sentence you kicked us out of the United States without so much as a referendum.  Not that all of us mind, given who's president.  The Hawaiian sovereignty movement is particularly pleased.

Are you still holding Barack Obama against us?  Tiny Bubbles?  (We're sort of with you there.)  Or, maybe, given the situation in North Korea, you're trying to move the U.S. border a few thousand miles to the east? 

Whatever.  We still love you, Jeffy.  And if you ever come to...um...Hawaii, we'll be happy to take your money and laugh at your Speedo.

Your 50th state,

Hawaii

Dear President Kushner

Dear President Kushner,

How's Dad?

Not so good, huh?

I'm willing to bet that you came back from your ski trip (powder?  Hope there was powder!) to find your President-in-law alternating between towering tantrum and catatonia.  "Uh-oh," I'm sure you said to yourself.  "Something must be done here.  Good thing the President has such a bright son-in-law who's more than willing to step up to the plate as Leader of the Free World."  And - voila! - the White House Office of American Innovation (WHOAi) was born.

So easy.  Why haven't any of those stupid old codgers in Washington thought of this before?  I'm looking forward to your inspiring leadership.  And Ivanka's, because I - for one - have pretty much figured out what the future looks like:  discount mid-price designer.  

So, what exactly is this new office?  According to my research, it is:

1. A "SWAT team of strategic consultants"; and
2. An "incubator of sleek transformation".

Sounds like fun!  I hear that you're "proud" of the fact that this group of wunderkind has "little or no experience" in anything like government.  Hey, fuck the last 241 years!

And here's the first thing on your schedule: a "reimagining" of the Veteran's Administration.  Starting with that pesky opioid addiction epidemic.  Since you have Jeff Sessions looking over your shoulder, you probably won't do anything as innovative or strategic or sleek as just letting the poor bastards have some weed.  OMG, no!  You're going create an official "drug commission", headed by none other than that living embodiment of innovation, strategy, and sleek:  Chris Christie!  Governor Meatloaf.  You guys are old friends, right?

I'm feeling more optimistic already.  Or something like that.

For the record, we didn't vote for you either.  Apparently, it's the new normal.

Longanimously yours,

Underemployed

Curiouser and Curiouser

Dear Mr. Trump,

Every time I think that life under your inspired leadership can't get any weirder, it does.  Especially curious, and often disturbingly so, is your circle of confidants. A few of them would probably pass a psych eval, but I'm pretty sure that if I had to spend five minutes in a room with Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and/or Kellyanne Conway, I could probably be persuaded to buy a one-way ticket to Mars.

I will now add Roger Stone to the list, the latest lunatic to emerge from your ever-increasing shadows.  I just can't keep up with all of these people, try as I might.  Much as I wish I didn't have to.

So, yeah, Roger.  Actually he's been on and off the scene for some time now.  A very snappy dresser, I'm told.  Doesn't wear socks, which disturbed Nancy Reagan, but hey! Einstein didn't wear socks either.  That's not enough to put him on my "whoa! wtf?" list. 

But this stuff is:

1. He talks to you more often than I talk to my children.
2. He exchanges tweets with Russian hackers.
3. He once said, "One man's dirty trick is another man's civic participation."
4. He thinks that someone is trying to bump him off,
5. Because he thinks he was the victim of polonium 210 poisoning,
6. And then - yesterday - an attempt at vehicular homicide.
7. Because...why?
8. And...by who?  The Russians?  You?
9. To quote Ted Cruz (God help me, I'm quoting Ted Cruz):  "He's a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent."
10. But the best reason - and I saw a picture of this, which may finally drive me into therapy - he has a picture of Richard Nixon tattooed on his back.

I think I'm done.  Good Lord, I hope so.  As I've said before, as soon as you start acting goofy, and I believe your "wiretapping" accusations qualify as goofy, one should check out what else is happening in your arena.

(By the way, you didn't use quotation marks in all of those tweets.  Go back and check.)

And if you see Rachel Maddow, tell her to calm down.

Very truly yours,

Underemployed

All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power, and...well...um...hmmm...

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.

Sincerely,

Underemployed

One More Time

Dear Mr. Sessions,

Let me try this again.  Because I think you're missing the point here.

Actually, I think a lot of people are missing the point here.  Did you meet with Ambassador Kislyak?  

Yes.  

Is it important?  Possibly.

But I don't care if you were swapping middle names or you were getting his grandmother's recipe for blini.  That's another discussion for another time.

What IS important is that you lied.  Under oath.  On video, on record.  We need a committee to figure this out?  

And heeding Donald Trump's opinion of you is like heeding a pyromaniac's opinion of an arsonist.

Just sayin',

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

To save everybody a lot of time, money, and a deluge of Wolf Blitzer's droning voice, I am appointing myself Special Prosecutor of your case.

Here is the accusation:

1. At your confirmation hearing, Senator Franken asked you a question.
2. You lied,
3. And you knew it.
4. Under oath,
5. At you own freaking confirmation hearing.

Here is the evidence against you:

Just to be clear, here - according to the Oxford English dictionary - is the definition of perjury:  

"The offence of wilfully telling an untruth or making a misrepresentation under oath."

Here is the definition of untruth:  

"A lie or false statement (often used euphemistically)".

Here is the definition of false:   

"Not according with truth or fact; incorrect." 

Here is the definition of lie (noun):

 
"An intentionally false statement."

And here is the definition of lie (verb)

 Tell a lie or lies."

With me so far?

Good.  

Anything to say in your defense?  That doesn't make you sound like a ten-year-old who didn't do his homework?

I didn't think so. 

Now please go away.

Underemployed

 

I Did Not See This Coming

Dear Mr. Trump,

Jeff Sessions!  Jeff Sessions?!?

Mr. President, I think I see some clouds on the horizon...

Quick!  Legalize marijuana and socialize medicine!  Oh, and send Elizabeth Warren some flowers.  All will be forgiven.

Believe me,

Underemployed

  

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

What a week you've had!  A HUGE job, putting together a veritable Marvel Universe of scary guys in your cabinet, each more worrisome than the last.  Sometime soon I'm going to make a list of them with their super-names and super-powers, but they're coming at me so fast and furiously I'm having a tough time keeping up.  However, I've already got your super-name ready: Agent Orange.

Like it?  I think your super-power will be blinding idiots with alternative facts.

The last two cabinet posts...what can I say?  A school marm and a hanging judge.  When does John Wayne ride into this scene?

The hanging judge: Jeff Sessions.  Is that a real person or were you somehow able to reanimate the corpse of Henry Gibson?  

Consider:

Coincidence?  You decide.

Now all this brouhaha about Mike Flynn!  Dude, I called it (see previous post, "Dear Mr. Trump" 2/2/17), and today it's all the news fit to print.

But there's something I noticed that's got me worried.  

1. So, yeah, Mike Flynn and the Russians.
2. And last Saturday you decided to have an open-air situation room meeting on a terrace at Mar-a-Lago ("Hey, it's a nice night..."),
3. AND, if my calculations are correct, a Russian spy ship would have been within drone-surveillance distance right about that time.

People with suspicious natures might wonder about that.

Just sayin',

Underemployed