Friday, March 30, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I hear that you've declared April to be Sexual Assault Prevention Month. 

Oh.  Are you planning to resign?

Just wondering,

Underemployed


Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Dear Michael Avenatti

Dear Mr. Avenatti,

Honey, when I see you on TV, I go grab a glass of red and a few Reduced-Fat Triscuits and make it a party.  Thank you for bringing a little sump'n-sump'n back to my life.

I mean, it is so refreshing to see a man in this kabuki theater we're calling politics these days who doesn't have those little white spray-tan cups under his eyes.  And who isn't wearing a bad rug, or doing a comb-over, or Hair Club for Men.  

And who has some coglioni, for God's sake.  And knows how to defend a lady.

AND who finally stands up to that Halloween Limited Edition Orange Jet-Puffed Marshmallow in the White House.  Who my 13-year-old niece could beat at arm wrestling.  

You know.  President Spanky.  And I gratefully lay his new nickname at your Italian-leather clad feet.

Keep it coming, sweetheart.  This is the most fun I've had since January 20, 2017.  Randy Spears.  Who knew?

In bocca al lupo,

Connie Staccato
Special Correspondent
and Anthony Scaramucci's fourth cousin, once removed
(Maybe you could give him some lessons, right?)



Caroline Sunshine

Need I say more?


Dear President Spanky

Dear Mr. Trump,

Just so you know:  You will never, ever be able to live this one down.

Happily,

Underemployed


Sunday, March 25, 2018

Your Mama's Calling You

Dear Rick Santorum,

Please go back to your home planet.

Thanking you in advance,

Underemployed


Wrong

Okay, I was wrong. 

It's Sunday, noon has come and gone, and the Flying Monkey is still here.

Though the Wicked Witch of the West Wing has started dropping ominous hints (actually, he's having his friends drop ominous hints while he cowers).  So maybe my timing is off.  Or maybe he's just trying to make sure we all tune in for the next episode of "Clown Car Cabinet".

But I can't imagine that he's going to let Stormy Daniels - or anyone else - sweep the headlines. 

And a lot can happen between now and 6:00 pm...


Friday, March 23, 2018

Donny and the Crackpot Factory

Do the math:


The privilege of Veruca Salt

plus

The personality of Violet Beauregard

plus

The body of Augustus Gloop

plus

The brain of Mike Teavee

plus

One orange Oompa-Loompa

equals

Donald Trump!



Coincidence?  You decide.


Thursday, March 22, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

In a Celebrity Geezer SmackDown between you and Crazy Joe Biden, I'm going with Biden.

And, for your consideration, I would pay a large amount of money to watch that.  As would approximately three-quarters of the rest of the world.

Think about it,

Underemployed


Saturday, March 17, 2018

Dear Jeff Sessions

Congratulations!

It's not every day that one is referred to as "brilliant and courageous".  True, this compliment was showered upon you by John Dowd, Esq., attorney for Donald Trump.  Who may not be the best judge of character. 

But still.

In a hundred million years, I wouldn't think to choose the words "brilliant" and "courageous" to describe you.  Especially after that shining example of courage and brilliance you displayed yesterday.  

But, hey!  Daddy's happy (maybe, sort of), right?  And the world is now safe from the terrible Andrew McCabe, who surely deserved the full force of your brilliant and courageous wrath.  So what do I know?  How many times have I been called brilliant and/or courageous?  Even by the likes of a Trump attorney who, by definition, sets his standards pretty low?

Answer:  Zero

And it seems it might be best to keep it that way.

Go get 'em, tiger!

Underemployed


Friday, March 16, 2018

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Dear Rick Saccone

Dear not-Representative Saccone,

Not only do you have a "porn stache", you have a really bad rug.  See previous post, Dear Jay Sekulow, Esq.

Now go away,

Underemployed


Monday, March 12, 2018

Multiple Choice

Fill in the blank:

"...without Donald Trump the _______________________ would have been a total failure."
  1. Big Bang
  2. Code of Hammurabi
  3. Marriage at Cana
  4. Battle of Hastings
  5. Renaissance
  6. Council of Trent
  7. Peace of Westphalia
  8. Principia mathematica
  9. Louisiana Purchase
  10. Beatles



Sunday, March 11, 2018

There's Something about Stevie

There's something about Steve Bannon that makes me wish exile was still a thing.

10 Things More Fun Than a Trump Rally

Dear Mr. Trump,

In answer to your question:
  1. Mudslides
  2. Bed bugs
  3. Flu shots
  4. Mammograms
  5. Haggis
  6. Gout
  7. A Steve Bannon Rally
  8. Kansas
  9. Ringworm
  10. Prison
Now you know,

Underemployed


Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Well!

Now that all the smart (read: BORING) people are gone, I'll bet you're ready for a little fun.  And what's more fun (to you, anyway, probably because you don't drink) than a big, expensive military PARADE??!

Think of it:  Wow wow wow!  Tanks!  Bombs!  John Philip Sousa!  Majorettes!  Generals!  Shiny buttons!  LOTS of flyovers (zoom zoom)!  Soldiers with BIG guns!  Lots of soldiers, all marching by YOU, saluting their

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there you'll be - tall, at attention, big belly sucked in, mean old orange Mussolini face - proudly saluting them back.  Now we're talking presidential!

Who's a big boy now?

Full speed ahead!  Your advisors and your little friends in Congress will be more than happy to keep you distracted with all these cool new toys.  And there's no one left in the White House to tell you no.

Well, there's one person.

But if you eat all your vegetables and put on your pajamas right away, maybe Uncle General Kelly will let you play with your trucks.

Bye-bye,

Underemployed



Monday, March 5, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tell me something:  Why haven't you given Barack Obama his very own Trump nickname?

I mean, we have Crooked Hillary, Lyin' Ted, Cryin' Chuck, Sloppy Steve, Sneaky Diane, Mr. Magoo, Pocahontas, Dicky, Low Energy Jeb, Psycho Joe, Crazy Bernie, Crazy Megyn, Crazy Jim, Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Liddle Bob, Little Adam, Little Marco, and Little Rocket Man.  We even have a Dodgy Dossier.

(The "crazies" outnumber the "littles", which outnumber the rest, and I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with that.)

But nothing for Barack?  No questioning of sanity?  Nothing about his physical appearance that you find noteworthy?

Maybe I can help.  I think it should be alliterative.  How about:
  1. Bumbling Barack
  2. Boring Barack
  3. Baleful Barack
  4. Bad Vibes Barack
  5. Boisterous Barack
  6. Bonkers Barack
  7. Banal Barack
  8. Born in Kenya, Probably a Muslim Barack
  9. Blatherin' Barack
  10. Bouncy Barack
For the record, none of these are true, but that doesn't seem to be a factor in your choice of appellations. 

If nothing else, the debut of a Trump nickname for Mr. Obama will draw some attention away from the fact that Mr. Mueller and his grand jury have recently subpoenaed all of your (and your best friends') documents going back to 2015.  

And isn't that the point?

In anticipation,

Underemployed




Saturday, March 3, 2018

Dear Jeff Flake

Dear Senator Flake,

Do it.

Your friend,

Underemployed


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Do YOU go home at night and say, "What a great life!"?

I don't think so,

Underemployed



Could You Be More Specific?

Dear Mr. Trump,

I understand that your re-election campaign, not surprisingly named the Trump Make America Great Again Committee, is asking Americans the following question:

"Are you concerned by the potential spread of Sharia Law?"

Since I can't imagine the circumstances under which I would have the opportunity to answer that question directly, allow me to use this forum to request a clarification:

"Christian or Islamic?"

Just wondering,

Underemployed