Honey, when I see you on TV, I go grab a glass of red and a few Reduced-Fat Triscuits and make it a party. Thank you for bringing a little sump'n-sump'n back to my life.
I mean, it is so refreshing to see a man in this kabuki theater we're calling politics these days who doesn't have those little white spray-tan cups under his eyes. And who isn't wearing a bad rug, or doing a comb-over, or Hair Club for Men.
And who has some coglioni, for God's sake. And knows how to defend a lady.
AND who finally stands up to that Halloween Limited Edition Orange Jet-Puffed Marshmallow in the White House. Who my 13-year-old niece could beat at arm wrestling.
You know. President Spanky. And I gratefully lay his new nickname at your Italian-leather clad feet.
Keep it coming, sweetheart. This is the most fun I've had since January 20, 2017. Randy Spears. Who knew?
In bocca al lupo,
and Anthony Scaramucci's fourth cousin, once removed
It's Sunday, noon has come and gone, and the Flying Monkey is still here.
Though the Wicked Witch of the West Wing has started dropping ominous hints (actually, he's having his friends drop ominous hints while he cowers). So maybe my timing is off. Or maybe he's just trying to make sure we all tune in for the next episode of "Clown Car Cabinet".
But I can't imagine that he's going to let Stormy Daniels - or anyone else - sweep the headlines.
It's not every day that one is referred to as "brilliant and courageous". True, this compliment was showered upon you by John Dowd, Esq., attorney for Donald Trump. Who may not be the best judge of character.
In a hundred million years, I wouldn't think to choose the words "brilliant" and "courageous" to describe you. Especially after that shining example of courage and brilliance you displayed yesterday.
But, hey! Daddy's happy (maybe, sort of), right? And the world is now safe from the terrible Andrew McCabe, who surely deserved the full force of your brilliant and courageous wrath. So what do I know? How many times have I been called brilliant and/or courageous? Even by the likes of a Trump attorney who, by definition, sets his standards pretty low?
And it seems it might be best to keep it that way.
Now that all the smart (read: BORING) people are gone, I'll bet you're ready for a little fun. And what's more fun (to you, anyway, probably because you don't drink) than a big, expensive military PARADE??!
Think of it: Wow wow wow! Tanks! Bombs! John Philip Sousa! Majorettes! Generals! Shiny buttons! LOTS of flyovers (zoom zoom)! Soldiers with BIG guns! Lots of soldiers, all marching by YOU, saluting their
And there you'll be - tall, at attention, big belly sucked in, mean old orange Mussolini face - proudly saluting them back. Now we're talking presidential!
Who's a big boy now?
Full speed ahead! Your advisors and your little friends in Congress will be more than happy to keep you distracted with all these cool new toys. And there's no one left in the White House to tell you no.
Well, there's one person.
But if you eat all your vegetables and put on your pajamas right away, maybe Uncle General Kelly will let you play with your trucks.
Tell me something: Why haven't you given Barack Obama his very own Trump nickname?
I mean, we have Crooked Hillary, Lyin' Ted, Cryin' Chuck, Sloppy Steve, Sneaky Diane, Mr. Magoo, Pocahontas, Dicky, Low Energy Jeb, Psycho Joe, Crazy Bernie, Crazy Megyn, Crazy Jim, Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Liddle Bob, Little Adam, Little Marco, and Little Rocket Man. We even have a Dodgy Dossier.
(The "crazies" outnumber the "littles", which outnumber the rest, and I'm sure a shrink would have a field day with that.)
But nothing for Barack? No questioning of sanity? Nothing about his physical appearance that you find noteworthy?
Maybe I can help. I think it should be alliterative. How about:
Bad Vibes Barack
Born in Kenya, Probably a Muslim Barack
For the record, none of these are true, but that doesn't seem to be a factor in your choice of appellations.
If nothing else, the debut of a Trump nickname for Mr. Obama will draw some attention away from the fact that Mr. Mueller and his grand jury have recently subpoenaed all of your (and your best friends') documents going back to 2015.