Dear Eric Trump

Dear Eric,

They don't let you out to play very often, for obvious reasons, so this is a real treat.  True, you were only on "The Joe Pags Show" (whatever that is), and it was only last Tuesday (more or less obliterated by Hurricane Harvey, thus any speculation about your unfortunate resemblance to a weasel went unnoticed).  But still.  With your brother in hiding and your sister struggling (her persistent association with Jared Kushner, support for the rollback of a regulation on gender wage gap data collection, and a rather creepy obsession with chairs), I miss the comic relief.

Honey, can we talk?  You seem to be a little befuddled as to why there's so much "negative media" about your Dad, even though he's such a swell guy. 

I hope to shed some light on that for you.

Let's start with a very important point you seem to be missing: Your Dad - and by extension, you and your illustrious siblings - are very, very, very rich.  Now, you may not realize this, because you don't know what it's like not to be rich, but the ubiquitous presence of bodyguards, chauffeurs, nannies, Secret Service agents, and other people substantially subsidized to be solicitous of one's well-being tends to shelter one from some of the harsher realities of life.

Such as somebody punching one's lights out when one is being an asshole.

What's an offended world to do?  What recourse does it have?  Who will speak for the powerless?  Well, that would be our friends in the media, who aren't so much being negative as reporting what is actually going on.  You think the stuff they're reporting is horrendous?  Good.  That means you're taking your pills.

The people in the media are not your Dad's bodyguards, chauffeurs, nannies, and/or Secret Service agents.  They are not being substantially subsidized (with notable exceptions) to be solicitous of his well-being.

Now, put your spoon down and pay attention:  I'm sorry that you're depressed.  We're all depressed.  But the solution isn't a Smiley Face Emoji.  If your Dad wants the negative media to stop, then he should stop saying negative things.

With me so far?

In other words, Dad shouldn't go around calling people pigs, dogs, phonies, liars, pieces of ass, bad hombres, fat, ugly, crazy, showboats, and/or disgusting.  He shouldn't threaten their wives.  And he CERTAINLY shouldn't be leading chants of "lock her up" with hordes of hillbillies. 

I mean, we're talking basic human decency here.  Please note that on any given planet outside of the Trump Galaxy, any one of the above would have this guy lying on the couch with an icepack on his nose.  It's very simple.

This is why your Dad gets bad press.  On a lighter note, you also told Mr. Pags (WTF???) that you and your beleaguered family have learned to take the negative media coverage "with a grain of salt".

No, don't.  You all deserve it.  Every bit of it.  If anything, the media is pulling punches. 

But that's a term you might not be familiar with.

Sincerely,

Underemployed