Thursday, September 14, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

I have heard about your concern that some people have created "unrealistic expectations" of you.

(I'm sorry about that.  If it makes you feel any better, I would say that you have totally met my expectations of you, namely that you hang around looking like a blonde Kardashian.  Take comfort, you do that admirably.)

But, so soon after "'Daddy, can I come with you' to North Dakota?"

Girl, what gives?

Are you telling us that you are no such "voice of reason" within the White House?  So why do you need an office (at the taxpayer's expense, I'm sure) next to the head of the National Security Council?  Why not just a daybed and your bunny slippers in Daddy's office?  With such limited influence over His Orangeness, what would you have us believe about that (well-publicized) trip to North Dakota?
  1. That you really do have influence?
  2. Or you think you do?
  3. Or you had an overwhelming and irresistible urge to visit North Dakota?
Instead of berating those poor souls you believe to have unrealistic expectations, why not show some compassion for the pitiful psyches battered to the point of being desperate enough to endow you with savior status.

However, I think your trials are at an end.  It's safe to go back to New York, where you can live happily without all those pesky expectations.  

We've got Chuck Schumer now.

Unrealistically yours,


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