Clowns and Losers

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're referring to members of the FBI as "clowns and losers"?  With that cabinet??

Ludicrously yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  Pardon me for asking, but did you buy your new teeth from Giuliani's dentist?

All-Time Biggest Political Scandal

Dear Mr. Trump,

You seem to consider the possibility that the FBI has been spying on you to be the all-time biggest political scandal.

No.  It isn't.  Given that:

1. Trump Tower is full of shady Russians.
2. Ditto: your Florida properties.
3. You've been hanging out with lowlifes like Paul Manafort.  
4. And Carter Page.
5. And Roger Stone.
6. Just to name a few.  There are more.  And they all have questionable dealings with the Russians.
7. Donald Trump, Jr. is a complete fucking idiot, who went to a meeting with Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.
8. Your son-in-law and Michael Flynn tried to set up a secret back-channel with the Russians.  
9. Some very credible people have cited some very bizarre behavior on your part while you were in Moscow.
10. And you've been sniffing Vladimir Putin's butt for years.

It would be the all-time biggest political scandal if you weren't being watched by the FBI. 

Think about it,

Underemployed

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient.  And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."

REALLY?!?  

What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:

1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
12. Jeff Sessions.

(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed

 

I Get It!

Dear Mr. Trump,

I get it!  It's not Obama you want to vilify; it's the FBI!  (Thank you, Mr. Comey, for clearing that up.)

So, I'm guessing that the FBI is going to have some very interesting information for us, very soon.  Which, of course, will be suspect information (of course) because the FBI are Nazis, Nixons, McCarthyists, and don't like kittens.  And then there's the fake news (i.e, news not published by Breitbart), dishonest media, bad-sport Democrats, etc., etc...

Can't wait!

Got my radar on,

Underemployed

All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power, and...well...um...hmmm...

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.

Sincerely,

Underemployed