Dear Mr. Trump

Today, I was overjoyed to read that you have established a new commission:

The Presidential Commission on Election Integrity

Sounds BIG and bad.  And like you're still trying to convince yourself (and considerably more than half the country) that you really won the election.

"Presidential Commission on Election Integrity" is an oxymoron.  At best.  Coming from somebody who is desperately (and obviously) trying to keep the lid on Russia's role in handing you a "W" in 2016, I can assure you that you're just embarrassing yourself (again), something you seem to be incapable of perceiving. 

At worst I assume that the oh-so-critical voter fraud issue will just join the other smokescreens that your Congressional stooges seem so het-up about:

1. Hillary's emails.
2. Obama's "wiretapping" (note the quotes).
3. White House leaks (it's Bannon, I already told you it's Bannon, he's a troublemaker).
4. The Great Inauguration Crowd-Size Plot.

And those of us who watch congressional hearings (yes, we exist and we tend to vote), have to listen to those stooges drawl on (yeah, they're mostly Southerners) about these crucial issues, acting very tough and clever, while Russia decides what tie you're going to wear today.

Impressive.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient.  And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."

REALLY?!?  

What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:

1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
12. Jeff Sessions.

(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,

Underemployed

 

Curiouser and Curiouser

Dear Mr. Trump,

Every time I think that life under your inspired leadership can't get any weirder, it does.  Especially curious, and often disturbingly so, is your circle of confidants. A few of them would probably pass a psych eval, but I'm pretty sure that if I had to spend five minutes in a room with Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and/or Kellyanne Conway, I could probably be persuaded to buy a one-way ticket to Mars.

I will now add Roger Stone to the list, the latest lunatic to emerge from your ever-increasing shadows.  I just can't keep up with all of these people, try as I might.  Much as I wish I didn't have to.

So, yeah, Roger.  Actually he's been on and off the scene for some time now.  A very snappy dresser, I'm told.  Doesn't wear socks, which disturbed Nancy Reagan, but hey! Einstein didn't wear socks either.  That's not enough to put him on my "whoa! wtf?" list. 

But this stuff is:

1. He talks to you more often than I talk to my children.
2. He exchanges tweets with Russian hackers.
3. He once said, "One man's dirty trick is another man's civic participation."
4. He thinks that someone is trying to bump him off,
5. Because he thinks he was the victim of polonium 210 poisoning,
6. And then - yesterday - an attempt at vehicular homicide.
7. Because...why?
8. And...by who?  The Russians?  You?
9. To quote Ted Cruz (God help me, I'm quoting Ted Cruz):  "He's a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent."
10. But the best reason - and I saw a picture of this, which may finally drive me into therapy - he has a picture of Richard Nixon tattooed on his back.

I think I'm done.  Good Lord, I hope so.  As I've said before, as soon as you start acting goofy, and I believe your "wiretapping" accusations qualify as goofy, one should check out what else is happening in your arena.

(By the way, you didn't use quotation marks in all of those tweets.  Go back and check.)

And if you see Rachel Maddow, tell her to calm down.

Very truly yours,

Underemployed

All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power, and...well...um...hmmm...

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.

Sincerely,

Underemployed