Saturday, April 29, 2017

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."


What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:
  1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
  2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
  3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
  4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
  5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
  6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
  7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
  8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
  9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
  10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
  11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
  12. Jeff Sessions.
(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,



1 comment:

  1. I'm having such issues with this guy. I haven't done my taxes or paid my rent yet soooooooo back to the grind...