For: Donald J. Trump
Also for: The person designated to read this to Donald J. Trump. And anybody else within earshot.
- Barack Obama is not the president.
- Hillary Clinton is not the president.
- Actually, you seem to be the president.
- Though a lot of people have their doubts. Including you.
- Paul Ryan is calling for a bipartisan investigation into the need for Congressional towel charms.
- Robert Mueller's investigation seems to be coming to an end.
- The end being your balls on a platter.
- Hope Hicks needs a refill on her Xanax. (Action required. Fast.)
- Ivanka is cute. She's not that cute.
- McDonald's is doing Shamrock Shakes.
- Executive Time (Twitter).
- Polish Mike Pence.
- Executive Time (phone). Call people who will call New York Times. Blame Adam Schiff.