Wednesday, January 17, 2018

I Got a 30!

Dear Dr. Ronny Jackson,

I just took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment.  And whew!  Am I relieved!

I mean, I'm a person who can't remember which side of my mouth I just flossed, and now I feel sure that I have the cognitive abilities to be President of the United States:
  1. I know my alphabet.  In order!
  2. I can copy a cube.
  3. AND draw a clock.  WITH all the numbers on it.
  4. I can identify THREE animals from shithole countries.
  5. And I know what the cow says.  (It wasn't on the assessment, but just so you know.)
  6. I can remember five words.
  7. AND five numbers.
  8. AND I can even say three numbers BACKWARDS.  (Kim Jong Un, look out!)
  9. I can identify the letter "A".  Over and over again.
  10. I can subtract 7 from 100, FIVE WHOLE TIMES!!!
  11. I can repeat two sentences.
  12. I can think of 11 or more words that begin with the letter "F".  In under a minute!
  13. I know what a choo-choo is.  And how it's like my bicycle.
  14. AND I can tell you what a watch and ruler have in common (though I had to think about that for a minute).
  15. I know the date ('cuz it's on my phone).
  16. And the month ('cuz it's my birthday next week).
  17. And the year ('cuz I'm counting the days to 2020).
  18. And it's Wednesday.
  19. And I'm in Chicago.
  20. Illinois, USA.  
I can even tell you what PLANET I live on.  Which seems to be different than the one you live on, since it seems to have escaped your notice that there's something a little...shall we say...unusual about your celebrity patient's behavior.  But, hey!  You were appointed by Barack Obama, so you must have had something on the ball.


Keep up the good work,


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