The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary

-A-

a lot of people
     nobody, a few hillbillies maybe

alternative fact
     a lie

amazing
     something shiny     

-B-

base
     nobody in their right mind

believe me
     I'm lying

big
     good

bigly
     big league, just like me

billions of dollars pouring into NATO
     a lie

-C-

chemistry
     something I think exists when somebody isn't straight-up laughing at me

classy
     tacky

collusion
    something everybody knows I didn't do (see "crowd size", "fake news")

consensual
     my presidency, and every pussy-grabbing moment of my life

covfefe
     a secret word, revealed to me by the voices, understood only by the inhabitants of my home planet

creepy
     Anthony Scaramucci

criminals
     Mexicans, Hillary Clinton, people who do bad things but who are not related to me

crooked
     Hillary Clinton (see "women")
   
crowd size
     the measure of all things, directly proportional to my insecurities about being illegally elected, and - by extension -  my dick
   
-D-

deal
     something done by my lawyers, but that I take credit for

-E-

elevate
     to justify loathsome and/or stupid behavior, when the real reasons are just too horrible to contemplate

enormously consensual
     in case there was any doubt

everyone
     nobody

everyone knows
     nobody believes it for a minute

everyone lies
     not to the FBI they don't

extreme vetting
     a process that should be required for Mexicans and Muslims trying to come to the U.S., except seasonal employees of Trump properties

-F-

failing, failed
     people who don't like me

fair
     anything that lets me win
    
fake news
     anything I don't like

fantastic
     meh

-G-

global warming
     Chinese fake news

good boy
     my son, Don Jr., who is almost 40, and didn't really mean to cut off that elephant's tail

good man
     someone about to be kicked to the curb

-H-

hands
     the historically large appendages attached to my wrists

health care
     something that proves that Barack Obama is way smarter than I am

historic
     me, everything about me, everything I do

history
     self-serving shit I just make up

-I-

I heard somewhere
     Steve Bannon planted it in a tabloid somewhere and now I'm repeating it

incredible
     meh

infinity
     someplace astronauts go, out there...maybe...could be...

-L-

lack of clarity
     lying

leak, leaker
     the truth, somebody who tells the truth

loser
     someone who knows I'm lying

love
     money

loyalty
     something I value because I'm counting on it to keep me out of jail          

-M-

made in America
     a lie

mere allegation
     contemporaneous police reports + FBI testimony, under oath + photographs

Mexicans
     bad hombres who should stay on the other side of a big, big wall that they're going to pay for

Mike Pence
     the reason I haven't been impeached

modern day presidential
     having opposable thumbs


-N-

NAFTA
     foreigners who cheat us out of money 

NATO
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

-O-

obstructionist

      anyone who thinks I'm lying

others of different militant perspectives
     1.  people who object to white-supremacists and neo-Nazis;
     2.  people who read books,
     3.  people who can count by fives all the way to a hundred;
     4.  Democrats;
     5.  and anybody else who didn't vote for me.

-R-

really well
     like shit

relationship
     a one-way figment of my imagination 

rigged
     anything I don't win

-S-

sad
     people who don't believe me when I'm lying

shithole
     alternate spelling of "shithouse"

spin, n.
     a lie

spin, v.

     to lie

-T-

talented
     people who believe me when I'm lying

tax reform
     a lie

team
     minions

the president
     me (see "crowd size")

too good
     a hot mess

tough
     something that requires effort

Trans-Pacific Partnership
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

transparency
     lying, but acting like I'm not lying

tremendous
     meh

Twitter
     the modern day presidential way of saying something stupid

truthful hyperbole
     a lie

-U-

unpresidented
     (we wish...)

-V-

very fake news
     the truth

very good relationship
     occasionally might talk to me, briefly, if we're in a group

voter fraud by millions of illegal immigrants
     a lie
     
-W- 

witch hunt
     fake news about me and the Russians (some of whom are very nice people, by the way) that nobody cares about (except the New York Times - see "failing") and that I'm gonna put a stop to soon (see "creepy")

women
     aliens, sometimes nasty

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Whew!  What a day you've had!  I'm sure right now you're gratefully sinking back into the vibrating easy-chair in your padded cell at the White House, enjoying a Diet Coke and a foot massage from your new bromance, Anthony Scaramucci.

He's quite a character, that Anthony!  My first reaction was, "Who's this clown?"  A little Cousin Vinny-like for a Harvard law grad, no?  Which made it sound like everything that came out of his mouth was bullshit, but maybe he was just a little over-stimulated from basking in your dazzling orange glow.   

I gave up counting how many times Mr. Scaramucci said "love" in reference to you and your sundry barnacles during his debut press conference today.  And I have to confess that this was a little worrisome, since you and your courtiers are not - how shall I put this? - especially lovable by anything but the slackest of standards.  But I was really captivated by his assertion that you had "good karma".

Seriously?  Well, you sure didn't rack it up in this lifetime.

Which made me ponder who/what you might have been in your past lifetimes.  And I came up with a short list.

1. Henry VIII (after he fell on his head).
2. Jeff Sessions (oh, wait, he's not dead yet).
3. Caligula.
4. Peter Griffin.
5. A wombat.

None of whom would generate much good karma.  Perhaps Mr. Scaramucci doesn't fully understand the concept.

He will.

Stai attento,

Underemployed

 

Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

My fork says you're done.

'Bye,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Mueller

Dear Mr. Mueller,

Please hurry. 

http://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/moscow-in-talks-with-us-to-create-cyber-working-group-ria-report/ar-AAoucbH

Desperately yours,

Underemployed

Dear Alabama

And you thought Jeff Sessions was a psychopath.

Here's a glimpse at the heirs apparent to his vacant throne in Alabama.  From NBC News:

"...ahead of the August 15 primary to fill the Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the leading GOP candidates are accusing each other of showing insufficient loyalty to the president, whom they speak of with divine reverence.

"Incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who was appointed to fill the seat temporarily in February, called Trump's election a 'Biblical miracle.' Roy Moore, the twice-elected, twice-deposed Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, said, 'God…sent Donald Trump in there.' And Rep. Mo Brooks, a Tea Party favorite, has vowed to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until the president's border wall gets built."

(Now, I have it on good authority that there are normal people who live in Alabama, too.  How do they do it?  Do they just stay stoned all the time, like Willie Nelson in Texas?  Or do they just huddle in enclaves, shrouded in shared delusion?)

But wait, there's more:

"Two of Stranges' campaign ads feature him firing a handgun equipped with a silencer at 'Obama's amnesty plan' in order to call attention to his support for a bill to cut taxes on silencers."

(Seriously?  But I suppose that would be what one should expect from somebody named Luther Strange.)


Dear Alabama, 

Any chance you guys want to try to secede from the Union again?  I'm sure the rest of the country would be just fine with that now.

Think about it,

Underemployed

An Anthem for the Resistance

Oh! What are we going to do with Uncle Donald?
A clear disaster, is Uncle Donald.
When he goes a-Twitter at the Mar,
Watch the news, 'cause the Russians will not be far!

If ever lurked a jerk, it's Uncle Donald.
He's batshit crazy, and so is his son!
Gimme your vote, I hear him say;
He'll steal it from you anyway,

Now in the White House there's a twit,
Who grabs you by the where-you-sit,
A silly old git who thinks he really won!


Now sing along! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4QEkjgDalA

Dear Don Jr.

Dear Don Jr.,

You're dumber than you look.  And that's saying something.

Bon voyage,

Underemployed