Saturday, April 29, 2017

Trump of the Hundred Days

Dear Donald,

I think that after 100 days I can call you Donald, even though it's the dorkiest of the all dorky names in human history.  I mean, when has there ever been a king or an astrophysicist or a great artist named "Donald"?  The answer is "never".  There might be a reason for that.

(BTW, I'll call you "Mr. President" after I've seen your tax returns, and the FBI weighs in.)

I've been sitting here at my desk, racking my brain, trying to think of an appropriate way to commemorate your first 100 days in office, with little or no inspiration.  But, in the inspiration department you have never failed me.  So I was patient And just the other day:

"I thought it would be easier."


What could possibly be the reason for that?  I think I can answer.  I've had employees like you before.  I've been an employee like you, which is why I know how the psychology works.  Basically, it consists of equal parts ignorance, arrogance, and immaturity.  Add to that, a big mouth and a pathological need for attention, and - voila! - one spectacular asshole.  Completely contemptuous of his/her boss and absolutely sure he/she could do a better job.  My punishment was to be busted down to underemployment, where I learned a little humility.  I only hope that someday you receive the same treatment.  Maybe your wife would consent to being in the same room with you again.

Sorry to say, most of the difficulties you perceive are of your own making:
  1. Your clown car of goofballs and bandits.  (Love me some "alternative facts".)  Which would be funny if we weren't being robbed blind.
  2. Your family circus.  Jared and Ivanka, in particular.  Seriously?
  3. Your bullshit Obamacare repeal.  Designed to appeal only to people who apparently can't read.
  4. Your sundry "travel bans".  You do realize that Steve Bannon is psychotic, right?
  5. Your paranoid wiretapping claims.  Remember those?  Or did someone finally explain to you - in short, easy sentences - that you were just drawing attention to the possible (and very good) reasons for wiretapping? (And, dude, you only used the quotation marks in the first two tweets.  Just sayin'.)
  6. Your equally paranoid obsession with "crowd size".  Actually, anything-size ("biggest" "huge" "most" "major" "great" "tremendous").  Stop already.  We get it.  You have a short, stubby stronzo.  We're all desperately trying to unsee that, and you're not helping.
  7. Your border wall.  I assume you've heard of drones?
  8. Your foreign policy:  chocolate cake and bombs.  Yum.  (Y'know, chocolate cake might be real hard to come by during nuclear winter.)
  9. Your inability to comprehend anything that has to do with science (e.g., vaccinations, global warming, where babies come from).  Maybe when Mar-a-Lago (what exactly does that mean, anyway?) is under water, you might listen to some genuine scientists.  And I'm guessing that you only signed on to fund a mission to Mars because somebody told you that you could mine it.
  10. Your tax returns.  Oh.  Yes.  We're here.  Waiting.
  11. Your questionable involvement with Russian ne'er-do-wells (see #5, above).
  12. Jeff Sessions.
(Neil Gorsuch?  Like "phase two" of your health care plan, still an unknown commodity.  I hope I'm pleasantly surprised.)

Well, anyway, you're out there somewhere celebrating your milestone.  Non-alcoholically, of course, and hopefully with a minimum of uninvited pussy-grabbing.  But I, for one, couldn't be happier about your abundance of dismal failures.  Good Lord, what if you had succeeded?!

To be fair, you have had one remarkable accomplishment:  You have made Americans nostalgic for George W. Bush.

That's no small thing.

Keep up the good work,



Monday, April 24, 2017

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

"Nobody has a sense of humor anymore," you recently bemoaned to a television interviewer when your witty remarks about Hawaii (see previous post, "Aloha!") seemed to fall flat.

You may be right.  But have you considered that you are the reason for this?

In the meantime, to get America laughing again:

And my proposed entries into this year's competition:



Friday, April 21, 2017

Dear Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah Palin,

Please go back to Alaska and keep an eye on Russia for us, okay?

Thank you,


P.S.  I'd like to go back in time to before you bought that shirt.

Thursday, April 20, 2017


Aloha, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!

Greetings from an island in the Pacific!  You know, that one island...or maybe there's more than one...sort of like neighborhoods or counties or districts or something, yeah, that's it...Hawaii!  Home of beautiful beaches, a big-ass telescope, volcanoes, a Polynesian cultural heritage, Maui Wowie (good stuff that good people don't smoke), and - yes! - actual federal judges.  With all the actual federal powers that other federal judges have.

Amazing, no?  So you say.

And so are we, equally amazed that even wonky-eared little toads named Beauregard born in boondock (from the Tagalog, meaning "backwater hell-hole") Alabama can wield power in this great (or will-be great, once your bloated bromance gets back from Palm Beach) country.  

Dude, it's called democracy.  You're the Attorney-fucking-General.  You shouldn't have to Google that. 

With one sentence you kicked us out of the United States without so much as a referendum.  Not that all of us mind, given who's president.  The Hawaiian sovereignty movement is particularly pleased.

Are you still holding Barack Obama against us?  Tiny Bubbles?  (We're sort of with you there.)  Or, maybe, given the situation in North Korea, you're trying to move the U.S. border a few thousand miles to the east? 

Whatever.  We still love you, Jeffy.  And if you ever come, we'll be happy to take your money and laugh at your Speedo.

Your 50th state,


Thursday, April 13, 2017

Sure About That?

"I'm not the darkness..."

 (BTW, that under-the-chin liposuction thing?  Not good.)

Friday, April 7, 2017

Do It

Dear Mr. Trump,

If you get rid of Bannon and Priebus, that might - possibly - jump start my breathing.

Unwillingly yours,


Sunday, April 2, 2017

Picture This

Reality check:

Okay, so imagine that you are a Russian media network.  And you decide to have a party...

"Let's have a party!"
"Hella yeah!"
"And let's invite Vladimir!"
"OF COURSE!!  It's not a party without Vladimir."
"What kind of entertainment shall we have?"
"SPEAKERS!  Let's have speakers.  I love speakers!"
"Good idea!  Now who shall we invite to speak?"
"How about an American general?"
"And we can give him money!  Lots of money.  And vodka.  And he can sit next to Vladi."
"Brilliant!  How 'bout that one old geezer who can't stop blinking...whatshisname..."
"Flynn!  Dude, I'm down.  It's gonna rock."

Can you picture it?  Right.  

Me neither.