Monday, April 24, 2017
Dear Mr. Sessions,
"Nobody has a sense of humor anymore," you recently bemoaned to a television interviewer when your witty remarks about Hawaii (see previous post, "Aloha!") seemed to fall flat.
You may be right. But have you considered that you are the reason for this?
In the meantime, to get America laughing again:
And my proposed entries into this year's competition:
Friday, April 21, 2017
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Aloha, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!
Greetings from an island in the Pacific! You know, that one island...or maybe there's more than one...sort of like neighborhoods or counties or districts or something, yeah, that's it...Hawaii! Home of beautiful beaches, a big-ass telescope, volcanoes, a Polynesian cultural heritage, Maui Wowie (good stuff that good people don't smoke), and - yes! - actual federal judges. With all the actual federal powers that other federal judges have.
Amazing, no? So you say.
And so are we, equally amazed that even wonky-eared little toads named Beauregard born in boondock (from the Tagalog, meaning "backwater hell-hole") Alabama can wield power in this great (or will-be great, once your bloated bromance gets back from Palm Beach) country.
Dude, it's called democracy. You're the Attorney-fucking-General. You shouldn't have to Google that.
With one sentence you kicked us out of the United States without so much as a referendum. Not that all of us mind, given who's president. The Hawaiian sovereignty movement is particularly pleased.
Are you still holding Barack Obama against us? Tiny Bubbles? (We're sort of with you there.) Or, maybe, given the situation in North Korea, you're trying to move the U.S. border a few thousand miles to the east?
Whatever. We still love you, Jeffy. And if you ever come to...um...Hawaii, we'll be happy to take your money and laugh at your Speedo.
Your 50th state,
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Friday, April 7, 2017
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Okay, so imagine that you are a Russian media network. And you decide to have a party...
"Let's have a party!"
"And let's invite Vladimir!"
"OF COURSE!! It's not a party without Vladimir."
"What kind of entertainment shall we have?"
"SPEAKERS! Let's have speakers. I love speakers!"
"Good idea! Now who shall we invite to speak?"
"How about an American general?"
"And we can give him money! Lots of money. And vodka. And he can sit next to Vladi."
"Brilliant! How 'bout that one old geezer who can't stop blinking...whatshisname..."
"Flynn! Dude, I'm down. It's gonna rock."
Can you picture it? Right.