Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tiny. Little. Short.

Are we talking about your time in the bunker, or your dick?

Just to be clear,

Underemployed

Exhibit A

Dear Speaker Pelosi,  

Forget all that stuff about Ukraine.  It's too complicated for the Jethrocrats.  Impeach him on the 25th Amendment.  Here's Exhibit A, from The Hill this morning:

I never understood wind,” Trump said. “I know windmills very much, I have studied it better than anybody. I know it is very expensive. They are made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here, almost none, but they are manufactured, tremendous — if you are into this — tremendous fumes and gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right?”

“So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint, fumes are spewing into the air, right spewing, whether it is China or Germany, is going into the air,” he continued.

“A windmill will kill many bald eagles,” Trump continued. “After a certain number, they make you turn the windmill off, that is true. By the way, they make you turn it off. And yet, if you killed one, they put you in jail. That is OK. But why is it OK for windmills to destroy the bird population?”

Clearly these are the ramblings of a madman.  Or a second grade science class essay.  Whichever.  You got him. 

And this is the only evidence you need.

Your fan,

Underemployed

Word of the Year

Jethrocracy

Je-throc-ra-cy  n.  government by persons who sound like - and demonstrate the education level of - Jethro Bodine    -je'thro-crat n.

Example: 

"Listening to the impeachment hearings yesterday, I came to the awful conclusion that the United States has become a jethrocracy."

Pass it on.

Random Acts of Genius

When John Bolton becomes the Voice of Reason, you can be sure that space-time has folded in on itself and re-opened in an alternative universe.  There's just no other explanation.

And a note to Stephanie Grisham:  I freely - dare I say happily? - confess to being "totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great President".  In fact, I see it as a healthy sign that my brain still functions, in spite of three years of his random acts of genius.  I'm not a huge fan of John Kelly, but if what you said above really applies to him, I might reconsider.

  

Clearly, you're not so lucky.

Just a Thought

Am I the only one thinking that all these gazillions of dollars that politicians raise for campaigns that we neither want nor need could be spent on something useful, like - say - homeless shelters?

Or health care?

Or expanded public transportation?

Or schools?

Or public safety?

Or environmental and climate change issues?

Or, basically, almost anything else rather than political campaigns?

Maybe an idea whose time has come?

Oppo Research

"Russia, if you're listening …"

Whatever, Girl

A Very Stable Genius

Dear Elijah Cummings

Dear Congressman Cummings,

You are the best in us.

Thank you,

Underemployed

Individual 1

Dear Individual 1,

I dunno.  If I were Michael Cohen's father-in-law, I would be thinking that you're threatening a witness.  Right out in the open.  On TV, and in writing.

And if I were Robert Mueller, I'd be thinking the same thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying this.

Keep that genius stable,

Underemployed

Sophomoric

Dear Lindsey Graham,

sophomoric:

adjective

"pretentious or juvenile"

Sort of like your little stunt during the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing, no?

Judge not, lest ye...etc.,

Underemployed

Let Me Finish

Dear ex-Governor Christie,

I was checking out the news yesterday, wondering what new species of slime Robert Mueller had lately uncovered in his beau geste, and - lo! and behold! 

There you were.

On the SAME DAY that NumbNuts Giuliani dropped the hint that there MIGHT have been some "collusion" with foreign governments conducted by the Trump campaign (but not Trump, never Trump, oh no),  I was treated by excerpts from your new book (for lack of a better word), depicting the wailing and gnashing of teeth over your "friend Donald" (the never-colluding Mr. Trump) being used and led astray by a nefarious gaggle of - what were your subtle sobriquets? - 

"...amateurs, weaklings, grifters, convicted and unconvicted felons..." in the White House.

Shocking.  What's an illegitimately-elected pseudo-President to do?

If only you were there to help him realize his glorious vision of a newly-great America.  One that would give new meaning to the phrase - let me finish - "Soviet Union".

Am I reading that right?

Antipathically yours,

Underemployed

A Farewell to Arms

Hear any good jokes lately?

Me neither.

Unless you want to count Nikki Haley's farewell lovefest, where she promised to campaign for "this guy" and waxed poetic about Jared Kushner's "hidden genius" (good Lord, I hope we've seen the last of her, but I'm not optimistic).  And possibly Trump's call for decorum was funny, or would be funny if it weren't so freakishly bizarre coming from the calumnious mouth of President Surly.

Actually, it was pretty funny.  So maybe it's me.  

It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to find the silver linings of humor amongst the clouds in Trump's brain.  Likewise for the bottom-feeders who encourage him.  His supporters are funny only when you turn off the sound and look at what they're wearing.  And the only thing funny about Jeff Sessions (besides his ears) was Kate McKinnon.

I have Trump Fatigue.  With any luck, it's contagious.

So I'm winding this down.  I don't want to degenerate into just another sour, angry voice.  And I have confidence in our newly elected Democrats in Congress.  This is NOT to say, however, that I won't be back if Kellyanne Conway's husband runs off with Sarah Sanders.  Or, better yet, Mike Pence.

I'll leave you with two things.

First, I have the perfect solution to Russian influence in our elections.  Get off of Facebook.  And Twitter.  And whatnot.  Now.  No excuses.  Easy, right?  And remember, the Internet is for one thing:  shopping.

And secondly, this shocker from a biography of the Trump family which my husband gave me to read for research purposes (and which, thank God, I no longer need):

Eric is the smart one.

Words of Wisdom

Beware of snowflakes in pink hats.

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It warms the cockles of my heart to hear you label something you heard on "Fox & Friends" as Fake News.  And it's about time.

Could this be the start of something beautiful?  Like Republicans turning on themselves in an orgy of mass self-cannibalism?  One can only hope.

Wishfully thinking,

Underemployed

Out on a Limb

I know I'm going out on a limb here.  I'm not predicting a Blue Wave tomorrow, but a Blue Tsunami.  I think there are a few groups of people who are being underrepresented in the polls:

1. Women.  Who are just too through.  (Looking at you, prehistoric Republican arthropod on CNN who made fun of our pink hats.  Guess the message was too subtle for you.)
2. Young adults.  Who are tired of being lied to.  And shot at.  And probably wouldn't mind legal weed.
3. People with pre-existing medical conditions.  Which is fucking everybody.  (You morons.)

And I'm pretty sure the vast majority of these groups have:

1. Better things to do than communicate with pollsters, and  
2. Caller ID.

So forget the polls and here's my prediction:  The House is going Blue...

...AND the Senate.  The Governors, too.

Think of it:  Investigations!  Subpoenas!  Grand Juries!  Indictments!  Russians!  TAX RETURNS!  It's going to be glorious.

YOU can be part of the magic.  And have a really good excuse to party tomorrow night. 

Get out and vote Blue.  

Dear Donald Trump, Jr.

Dear Junior,

Shave.

Post-pubescently yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Saw your press conference today.  And I have to say, whereas I appreciate your concern for the safety and well-being of the American Woman in the shadow of an "invasion" of Central American migrants, to tell the truth I'm more afraid of Brett Kavanaugh.

For real,

Underemployed

While You're at It

Dear Mr. Trump,

As long as you're picking apart the Constitution, can we address the "well regulated Militia" part of the Second Amendment?

Punctiliously yours,

Underemployed

Dear Kanye West

Dear Kanye West,

No shit.

Welcome back,

Underemployed

Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mike Pence,

I agree.  Everyone has a style.

Mine, for example, is "Classic Minimalist".  Trump's is "Scary Birthday Clown".  And yours is "Freeze-Dried Clutch Cargo".

Tell Mother to shop accordingly.

Yours in healthy debate,

Underemployed