Friday, September 14, 2018

Dear Lindsey Graham

Dear Senator Graham,

I've got some bad news for you, sweetheart, and her name isn't Florence.

Let's face facts.  Even though you are currently camped out in the West Wing, and even though you have amply (and ignobly) demonstrated your recent penchant (perhaps significantly recent) for spouting glowing rationalizations in defense of the political mustard gas emanating from the White House, the sad truth is:  

Trump's just not that into you.

(And here I had a flash of Lindsey Graham and Rand Paul, locked in a life-or-death struggle, teeth filed to points, vying for notice from the Oval Office.  It wasn't pretty.)

Though you may be the Flavor-of-the-Month, let me explain why Trump doesn't really like you:
  1. You didn't go to an Ivy League school.  Something Mr. Illiterate values very much.  In lieu of a python jacket.
  2. You have a southern accent, which firmly places you alongside Jeff Sessions in what passes for Trump's mind.
  3. Trump will forever, and I mean forever, associate you with John McCain, try as you might to distance yourself from that good man.  (You will probably get some help here from Megan McCain.)
  4. You are short.
  5. You are a toad.  And Trump knows you are a toad. 
All that golf, all the proffered friendship, all the moonbeams you've shot up Trump's ass in the course of your tenure as Head Boy, all of this is for naught.  You will go the way of Paul Ryan, your predecessor in the Department of Mooncow, meaning you will be kicked to the curb as soon as your dweebiness starts to wear thin.

Remember what Jared did to Chris Christie?  That's what Bannon is going to do to you.

And you will never recover.  In spite of the fact that the people of South Carolina don't listen when the New York Times - or, presumably, any other source of reliable news - speaks.  Sez you.  Personally, I don't think you can be on the White House pep squad and remain in their good graces.

You have but one chance.  If you can get General Mattis to run screaming into the streets (there are indications we're almost there), you might be able to score a cabinet post.  If you can also get Jeff Sessions dislodged, there will be one for you and one for Rand.  And everybody lives happily ever after.

Except for the rest of the planet.

Disillusionedly yours,

(You wrote that op-ed, didn't you?)

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