Saturday, September 29, 2018

Dear Michael Avenatti

Dear Mr. Avenatti,

What does an Italian girl say when a guy proposes to her?

She says, "Yeah, okay."

You know why.  It's on account of she knows what she's getting into.  That's because Italian families spend all their waking hours in one room together, usually the kitchen.  So the girl has seen what marriage is really like, from her mother and father, her sisters and brothers, her uncles and aunts, her cousins.

And everybody else who's hanging around the house because:
  1. their families are non-Italians, and are therefore incredibly boring, and/or are the types that send their kids to "Bible Camp";
  2. they got no place else to go;
  3. the food's good.
So there's little romance in getting married and few surprises.  You want happy tears of excitement from an Italian girl?  Ask her if she wants to go to Vegas for the weekend.

This explains why there's so much drama amongst the medigans.  They hide stuff.  Or they think they're hiding stuff, which makes them act like stiffs, but it all comes out in the end and then they are SO shocked and outraged that you know what they've been up to.  Like, how dare you.  And that's why they have midlife crises.  And nervous breakdowns.  Their past catches up with them.  What a surprise.

(Sound familiar?  Brett Kavanaugh maybe?  I swear to God, in the Italian dictionary, next to faccia di cazzo is that guy's picture.)

Not the Italians, though.  Past, present, future, it's all in the kitchen.  The really bad things are talked about in Italian, a great motivation for the kids to learn the language.  But the kids also learn that they would have to move to Siberia if they want to hide something.  They don't even try.  My grandmother could tell if you were knocked up just by the look on your face.  Better to fight it out in the kitchen, even if you get hit with a shoe. 

So in my house there was no hiding anything.  Unless you count the stash of guns in the attic, hidden in the secret closet behind the big dresser.  I can tell people about that now, since the house is long gone and the individuals involved have passed away.  Anyway, I'm not worried about being investigated by the FBI.

Nobody's asked me to be on the Supreme Court.

Buona fortuna,

Connie Staccato
Actually Sicilian, but married to a Napolitan

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