Who Knew?

"Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated." - President Donald J. Trump

Yeah.  We did.

I think it's an IQ thing.

What Were You Thinking?

Dear Mr. Trump,

What?!  Really?????

Tell me you did NOT schedule the Governors Ball on the same night as the Oscars!  I can't believe my eyes, my ears, and the fake news!  What possessed you?  (Let me guess:  Steve Bannon.)

I knew you were a bully.  That's part of what some people (mainly those who need to repeat high school) consider to be your charm.  Sure escapes me, but then I am neither pathetically gullible nor pathologically masochistic.  (I love you for other reasons, like you're writing my next book for me.)

But this brings bullying into a whole new (Oscar award winning?) category:  Entertainment Bullying.

You tweeted that 46 governors attended.  "A record number", you said, and since I have no way of fact-checking that, I will assume it's about as accurate as your crowd-size estimates.  I will also assume that these governors attended with their spouses.  And I will further assume that the following conversations took place in many-a-governor's home:

"Honey, we have to go to the president's Governors Ball."

"I'd rather have chemo."

"It's on the same night as the Oscars."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"We can dance the night away with the whole Trump family."

"I'm calling a lawyer."

Sucks to be a governor these days.  

Actually, sucks to be anyone.

Looking forward to your congressional address,

Underemployed

Found the Leak!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Maybe you'd better sit down for this.

It's your homeboy Steve Bannon!  I didn't so much "find" it as figured it out.  

Why, you may ask yourself, would my BFF Stevie be leaking all this terrible (fake?) news about me?  Well, you pride yourself on being a simple man (so true!), and in keeping with that, the answer is also simple.

This is how it works:

1. Mr. Bannon leaks something awful about you to the (very dishonest) press.
2. Then you go all bat-shit crazy and say something - how should I put this? - stupid.
3. And while everybody is laughing and/or being terrified...
4. ...Mr. Bannon quietly does something to further his doomsday agenda,
5. Which nobody notices.

Personally, whenever you start acting...hmmmm...questionably, I google Steve Bannon.  

Try it!  It works.  

That guy should be doing shell games on the subway.  Missed his calling.

On the ball,

Underemployed

Party On, Darth

Dear Mr. Trump,

Great party, dude!  Now we finally have a precedent, finally! 

Or at least that's what it looked like from this side of the fake news media's glowing reports.  "Disneyland for conservatives" is how one happy camper put it, though a lot of you sounded like you'd been on the Mad Tea Cups for a few too many spins. 

Experiencing some major FoMO here.  Who knew the Conservative Political Action Conference, something I had been (blissfully) unaware of all my life, would be such a blast?  This party had everything:  plenty of booze (apparently), a plethora of non-creative fiction, Russian flags, art therapy (?)(!), groovy young people wearing "Socialism Sucks" t-shirts...

...and a bromance between Steve Bannon and Reince Priebus that was so darn hot that I'm thinking you might want to ask them which bathroom they want to use.

Io Saturnalia!

Believe me, I couldn't stop combing the Internet for juicy details.  That is, until I came across a video of a some dude with a truly terrifying hair transplant telling everybody how much fun you really are.

As if we couldn't guess.

Then there was Kellyanne (you know...that one girl...), at her best, charming the crowd with her cleverness ("TPAC" - too cute!) and laying it out once and for all that she is not a feminist.  At least not in the "classic sense", something that is confusing to people who own dictionaries.  But my son told me that he saw a video of her punching out some guy at the inauguration (I bet he said something about your dress, Kellyanne.  Did that bastard tell you he didn't like your dress?  Honey, nobody liked that dress), so I'll give her a pass.

This time.

Keep on partying like it's 1699,

Underemployed

Last Night in Sweden

Dear Mr. Trump,

You promised you wouldn't tell!

I'm blushing,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Please keep Steve Bannon where we can see him.

Concernedly yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Those naughty Ruskies!  Missiles, spy ships, and goodness knows what else?  Maybe they could get to Ivanka or Melania with some "fake fashion news"?  

Maybe they already have.

Well, at any rate, this is it.  Your moment.  All eyes on you.  ACT TOUGH!  I'm sure everyone will be enormously impressed. 

I hear you're taking time off from the maelstrom in the White House to kick off your 2020 re-election campaign in Florida on Saturday.  Here's some advice:

1. Take off your shirt!  
2. Wrestle an alligator!
3. Show the world that you're not just some big, puffy, whiny, orange baby.  Alligators (Trump?) are tremendously tougher than tigers (Putin, and he had a gun).  This could be a big "win" for you.

Knock 'em dead,

Underemployed