Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Stop picking on grandmothers.  It's lame.

Sorry about your dick,

Nancy Pelosi

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

My Creep-o-Meter is going off.

For some time now, I've been wondering why a senator from Kentucky would:

1. be mugged by his own neighbor.
2. suddenly become such a fervid devotee of the Orange Party.
3. feel the need to visit Russia.
4. perm his hair.

And I'm not coming up with anything that makes sense here.

Now I find out that Senator Paul had the "honor" of delivering a letter from you to Vladimir Putin.  (Note to Senator Paul:  Talk like an American.)  Which immediately conjured up visions of 5th grade and getting a friend to pass a note to your boy crush.  

And the juxtaposition is definitely creepy.

Since I can't imagine you as the author of any sort of a coherent letter, I am going to speculate that this "letter" was perhaps simply a list of names of people you would like to see win the mid-term elections.  For now, I'm going with that as a working hypothesis, until I get a plausible explanation.

Bafflingly yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Let's see if I have this right.  Rich Republican guys are giving you gazillions of dollars to pay your legal bills.  And the best you can do is Jay Sekulow and Rudy Fucking Giuliani???

Giuliani clearly has cognitive challenges.  Seculow can't even buy a decent toupee, and thinks that facts can "evolve".  By which, I surmise, he means that he gets to change his story whenever the truth comes out.

Let's be real:

1. Sekulow was lying.
2. Sekulow is probably lying now, too.
3. And - this is genius! - I'm willing to bet that he lies to you on a regular basis.

Apparently, staffing wasn't your strong point during your legendary career as a businessman.

You're fired,

Underemployed

Ohio Special Election

Dear Mr. Trump,

If I were you, I'd watch that "Danny Boy" stuff.  Unless, of course, you want to add several generations of Irish immigrants and their children to the list of immigrants you've already insulted.

Just a suggestion,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So the infamous Trump Tower Meeting was "totally legal" and "done all the time in politics".

Whew!  Thanks for clearing the whole thing up.  I knew that a "good boy" (your words) like Donald Jr. wouldn't do anything (advertently) wrong.  In spite of the severed elephant's tail, and the fact that he thinks silencers are a good way to introduce children to guns.  Oh, and the cheating on his wife thing.  But, you know, the son of a frog is himself a frog, and all that.  

Yeah.  

Well.  

Let's move on.

At any rate, now we know that meeting up with foreigners to get dirt on one's political opponent is completely legit.  And that makes me happy.

It makes me happy because - if I'm reading this right and Lord knows I'm trying - this means that the infamous Steele Dossier is also completely legit.  And that Robert Mueller and his sundry investigations are safe and sound and alive and well.

And you're going to stop whining about it, right?  

By the way, please tell Ivanka that Nirvana plus blue hair does not equal punk.  I think she might have missed something there.

Gleefully,

Underemployed

The Christian Right...

...is neither.

Dear White House Officials

Dear White House Officials,

I finally figured out why you have weekly Bible study classes:  you're looking for loopholes.

Thy neighbor,

Underemployed