Lock Him Up

Just sayin'.

And don't forget:  While you're watching the very shiny object of Michael Flynn pleading guilty to lying to the FBI, Mr. Trump and his friends will be taking advantage of the opportunity to pocket your future.

Kellyanne Conway Is the New Opioid Czar

Personally, the mere THOUGHT of Kellyanne Conway makes me want to start taking opioids.

Birther Movement

I question Trump's birth certificate, too.

But my query is not about "where?" so much as "why?"

Dear Rand Paul

Dear Senator Paul,

I see you're planning to vote in favor of Mr. Trump's Personal Piggy Bank Tax Bill.  I tried to read your gracious and stirring rationale for this today, but my eyes kept glazing over and I was haunted by an image of Steve Bannon sending you an email expressing his willingness to tell everybody in the world the real deal about your neighbor problems.

So I stopped reading.  And decided to assume you're just another greedy shithead.

Get well soon,

Underemployed.

Fake President

Dear Mr. Trump,

What's this I hear?  That the infamous Access Hollywood tape is "not authentic"?

Now I know the word "authentic" has three syllables, and may be hard for you to use correctly in a sentence, but if by "not authentic" you mean "fake" (one syllable - you know - like The News), then you may have (at last!) overreached your (considerable) ability to bamboozle morons.

What happened to, "I said it.  I was wrong.  And I apologize."  Was that fake, too?  And don't tell me you felt pressured and/or intimidated.  If you do, nobody will let you play with your friend Kim anymore.  

Tell me, maybe, that Melania is a double-agent and that every day she feeds you a quarter tab of LSD in your Diet Coke.  I would not immediately dismiss the possibility.  At least, it wouldn't insult my intelligence.

Dude.  We have a VIDEO of you OWNING the Access Hollywood tape.  I mean, even the dumbest, the ones who couldn't identify 1984 in a lineup, the most flat-lining, brain-dead, gun-totin', bible-thumpin' members of your "base", have got to be scratching their heads and going, "Huh?"

Think about it. Which one should we believe? If we believe that both the tape AND the video are fake, then how much else of you is fake?  (Well, your hair and your tan, obviously.)  But what if every single thing you've ever said and done is fake?  How would we know?  Because you tell us?  How would we know that's not fake, too?  

Fake News about a Fake President.  It would explain your lack of significant accomplishments.

Along with all the goofy shit you do.

Unbelievably yours,

Underemployed

I Get It

If he's busy golfing and tweeting, then he's out of everybody's hair.  Melania figured this out ages ago.

I wonder if he's figured it out.

Dear Paul Ryan

Dear Speaker Ryan,

I don't get you.

True, I am a FIB ("fucking Illinois bitch") and you are a Cheesehead (Wisconsin idiot), so it's not surprising that we don't understand each other.  And I hope my readers appreciate the lesson on Midwest culture wars here.

But as far as I can tell by the loopy, enthralled looks you plaster upon your puffy orange bromance, I think you must be:

1. Simple-minded, or on some really heavy meds.
2. Sincerely enamored of this guy.
3. Afraid Steve Bannon is going to "out" your Hello Kitty collection.

I'm going to choose "All of the above".

Because.  Cheesehead.

Greetings from Illinois,

Underemployed