Sucker Punch

I know I'm going to offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think that the combination of bleach and over-exposure to a blow dryer can have a detrimental effect on the brain.

I'm specifically thinking of Ivanka Trump, who - if everything goes according to plan - will be the First Woman President of the United States.  Elected by Russian hackers, people who wear shorts with elastic waistbands, angry white guys, and desperate white women who want angry white guys to love them.

(Boy, won't that just burn Hillary's butt!  I can hear Trump cackling in my sleep.)

Here's the plan:

1. Trump acts like an ignorant, senile old bastard with a pathological need for attention.
2. The behavior escalates until everybody in the world considers acquiring an emergency stash of opioids.
3. The ethereally lovely Ivanka wafts in to soothe the savage beast and make it all better.  Everybody in the world is grateful that the pain stops, even for a moment.
4. Steps 1-3 are repeated as necessary.
5. Ivanka runs for president after stashing Daddy in a (very classy) memory care facility.

Here's what to watch for:

1. Increasingly bad behavior from Dad Trump, ultimately mitigated by the Enlightened Voice of Reason (which she will refer to, in the future, as her "experience").
2. The Divorce.  Jared has acquired an impressive amount of baggage is a very short period of time, no?  I predict that Ivanka will be "shocked and heartbroken", as reported by The Enquirer.
3. The Sons of Trump will mysteriously disappear.

A proper sucker punch.  And we thought it was Donald we needed to worry about.

Hey, Ivanka:  If you're so all-fired clever and influential, why is THIS happening:

Afghan All-Girl Robotic Team Denied Visas to U.S. 

I guess it's small potatoes compared to the 50 million smackeroos Daddy pledged to your pet Women's Project.  I was particularly repelled by the big Thank-You Kiss, though I'm pretty sure I would kiss a hyena's ass for 50 million dollars. 

Maybe you could give it to the Afghan girls.

Last Night in Germany...

(ring ring)

"Hallo?"

"Is this The Best Hotel in Hamburg?"

"Ja!"

"Do you have any rooms available?"

"Nein."

"Look, I need a room for The Leader of the Free World."

"Oh.  For Frau Merkel?  In that case, Ja!"

"No.  For Donald Trump."

"Oh.  In that case, double-Nein."

"Listen, you jelly doughnut, we are important Americans..."

"Ach!  All Americans are important.  They say."

"And we have a meeting to attend..."

"Ach!  I am aware.  Can you hear the rioting where you are?"

"So will you make a room available for us for the next three days?"

"Nein."

"Well, what would you suggest we do?"

"That, I cannot say without International Incident.  Perhaps you have an aircraft carrier in the North Sea...?"

"Can you imagine the President's Wife sleeping on an aircraft carrier?!"

"As well as I can imagine her sleeping in Das White Haus."

"You are an insolent Hun, and I am going to report this to your Chancellor!"

"Und she will buy me a nice bier, ja?  Maybe Zwei!"

Dear Modern Day Presidential Person

Dear Mr. Trump,

A few words about your self-appellation:

1. Just so you know, the year is 2017.
2. If by "modern" you mean that you have demonstrated that you have opposable thumbs...well, um...okay.
3. Presidential?  With that tie?

And judging from that video, you'd be well advised not to quit your day gig.  Though in the (hopefully) near future, you might not have a choice.

Unwillingly yours,

Underemployed 

Girl Crush

For the next four years, whenever I'm in a bad mood, I'm going to watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DzX9sO6x8U

Thank you, Ana.  If you ever run for president (and I think it's a very, very good idea), I will sell my house and give you all my money.

Your new biggest fan,

Underemployed

The Simple American Health Care Act

We the People of the United States claim the right to participate in the same Health Care Plan as is participated wherein by Congress and the President, whose salaries and benefits We provide.

In the case that this Health Care is unaffordable by Us (i.e., it should not exceed 8% of our gross income) we claim the right to subsidy to the necessary cost, or to participate in Medicaid or Medicare as is appropriate.

There.  Two sentences.

All in favor, say "Aye".

Dear Republican Senators

Dear Republican Senators,

One question:

If your health care plan is so fucking wonderful, will YOU all be signing up for it?

Just asking,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

So there are no tapes.  I knew that (see previous post).

I knew it from the beginning.  So did everybody else.  Except for - maybe - Kellyanne Conway who thinks that a microwave oven is a potential surveillance apparatus.  And maybe that one Republican congressman in Michigan who thinks God is going to fix global warming (if it becomes a problem).  Actually, I think in the case of Kellyanne, she just says stuff like that so you won't feel like the only lunatic in the room. 

Here are your tweets:

With all of the recently reported electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information, I have no idea...

...whether there are "tapes" or recordings of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings.

 - Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 22, 2017

Now let's take that apart:

"With all of the recently reported (by whom?) electronic surveillance, intercepts, unmasking and illegal leaking of information (only a prob if you're guilty), I have no idea...whether there are "tapes" (those quotation marks again - intriguing!) of my conversations with James Comey, but I did not make, and do not have, any such recordings (no shit).

What the ENTIRE WORLD knows, Mr. Trump, is that you were just throwing a tantrum, shooting off your mouth (or, in this case, short and stubby fingers), and didn't have the balls to admit it.  BELIEVE ME, they're laughing at you. 

And as for James Comey:  You better hope he wasn't wearing a wire. 

Think about it,

Underemployed