Presidential Daily Brief

Thursday, February 22nd, 2018

Status:  Classified

For:  Donald J. Trump
Also for:  The person designated to read this to Donald J. Trump.  And anybody else within earshot.

Today's Intelligence

1. Barack Obama is not the president.  
2. Hillary Clinton is not the president.
3. Actually, you seem to be the president.
4. Though a lot of people have their doubts.  Including you.
5. Paul Ryan is calling for a bipartisan investigation into the need for Congressional towel charms.
6. Robert Mueller's investigation seems to be coming to an end.
7. The end being your balls on a platter.
8. Hope Hicks needs a refill on her Xanax.  (Action required.  Fast.)
9. Ivanka is cute.  She's not that cute.
10. McDonald's is doing Shamrock Shakes.

Today's Schedule

1. Executive Time (Twitter).
2. Lunch.
3. Polish Mike Pence.
4. Dinner.
5. Executive Time (phone).  Call people who will call New York Times.  Blame Adam Schiff.