Aloha!

Aloha, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III!

Greetings from an island in the Pacific!  You know, that one island...or maybe there's more than one...sort of like neighborhoods or counties or districts or something, yeah, that's it...Hawaii!  Home of beautiful beaches, a big-ass telescope, volcanoes, a Polynesian cultural heritage, Maui Wowie (good stuff that good people don't smoke), and - yes! - actual federal judges.  With all the actual federal powers that other federal judges have.

Amazing, no?  So you say.

And so are we, equally amazed that even wonky-eared little toads named Beauregard born in boondock (from the Tagalog, meaning "backwater hell-hole") Alabama can wield power in this great (or will-be great, once your bloated bromance gets back from Palm Beach) country.  

Dude, it's called democracy.  You're the Attorney-fucking-General.  You shouldn't have to Google that. 

With one sentence you kicked us out of the United States without so much as a referendum.  Not that all of us mind, given who's president.  The Hawaiian sovereignty movement is particularly pleased.

Are you still holding Barack Obama against us?  Tiny Bubbles?  (We're sort of with you there.)  Or, maybe, given the situation in North Korea, you're trying to move the U.S. border a few thousand miles to the east? 

Whatever.  We still love you, Jeffy.  And if you ever come to...um...Hawaii, we'll be happy to take your money and laugh at your Speedo.

Your 50th state,

Hawaii