Shocking

Dear Mr. Trump,

I admit to being somewhat taken aback when I saw that you used the word "promulgated" in a sentence today.

I would have been really shocked if the sentence had made sense.

Lexiconically yours,

Underemployed

Don't Be Silly

Dear Congressman Matt Gaetz,

I'm sorry, but I find it hard to imagine ANYONE shaking in fear on account of Rod Rosenstein.  But perhaps I'm made of sterner stuff.

I sure hope you weren't driving when you came up with that one.

Dubiously yours,

Underemployed

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Betrayed!  By a (younger than you) back-stabbing (better looking than you) Canadian (and way smarter).  Brownie points to Peter Navarro (a blithering idiot) for pointing out (lickspittle) that there is a special place in hell (next to the one we're in right now) for those who double-cross (infamia!) you (and, by extension, God, I guess).

Hang in there (Putin's got your back).  And trust your instincts (because you sure can't trust your brain).

Inconceivably yours,

Underemployed

Dear Canada

Dear Canada,

I'm sorry.

Sincerely,

The United States

Truer Words

"If you're involved in a sort of slimy business, that says something about you..."

- Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump's lawyer

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Dude.  Treaty of Ghent.  Get over it.

Historically yours,

Underemployed

The Game

"I've got an idea."

"Another one, Your Worship?"

"Don't call me 'Your Worship'.  We're not in public, Jared."  

"Okay, Dad."

"Don't call me Dad.  Call me, 'O! Legitimately-Elected Greatest Leader Ever of the Free World."

"Can I use an acronym?"

"A what?"

"Never mind.  What's the idea?"

"I think we should tell everybody that I have the absolute right to pardon myself."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow!  It's great.  I get people thinking I can pardon myself, and I get to use the word 'absolute' which will get people thinking I have absolute power.  And it's okay.  Fucking brilliant."

"Are you sure that's legal, Dad?"

"We'll make it legal.  That's what absolute power is all about.  And don't call me Dad.  Ever.  If you have to, call me 'Don Corleone'."

"But we're not Sicilians."

"Thank God.  They got some good ideas, though."

"Who should we have break the news?  Kellyanne?"

"Not Kellyanne.  Nobody believes anything she says.  Not even her own husband."

"Sarah?

"Same thing.  Give it to Numb Nuts."

"Giuliani?"

"Sure.  He'll be on all the shows saying some crazy-ass shit, and he can just slip it in somewhere."

"And you think people will buy it?"

"Of course they will.  They buy MAGA hats, don't they?  Anyway, just say it enough times and even you're gonna believe it.  Which you do already, right?  Where's your MAGA hat?"

"At the cleaners."

"I got one right here.  Twenty bucks."

"Thanks, Dad."

"DON'T call me Dad.  Call me 'The Most Legitimately-Elected Stable Genius in Human History'."

"Can I just call you 'The Most'?"

"I like that."

"One question:  What are you going to pardon yourself for?"

"Well, it can't be collusion because collusion's not a crime, and besides, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION.  That's just a WITCH HUNT conducted by 13 ANGRY DEMOCRATS and..."

"Dad.  Calm down.  It's me.  Jared.  You're not tweeting."

"DON'T CALL ME DAD.  How's Ivanka?"

"Working on her Mandarin.  Slow going."

"Well, it can't be obstruction of justice, either.  Because I AM JUSTICE, and I can't obstruct myself.  My lawyers say so.  That's fucking brilliant, too."

"Then what?"

"Let's start small.  What's Stormy Daniels up to these days?"