Dear Mr. Trump,
Wow! What a week you had! SUPER-presidential. Busy as a bee, and that can't all be strong coffee. I'm sure you're just worn out from signing everything Steve Bannon puts in front of you.
It's all been a little overwhelming, but I don't want you to think your valiant efforts have gone unnoticed and/or unappreciated. I'd like to thank you for the following:
- Between the Muslim ban, plans for the Great Wall (hey! worked for China in the fourteenth century), and Steve Bannon on the National Security Council, I'm feeling much safer. Well, maybe "safer" isn't the right word here, but I'm sure feeling something!
- Do you think you could ask President (Sorry! I mean, Mr.) Bannon to bathe once in a while? It might make him a little less creepy. (Actually, probably not.)
- And a BIG thank you for offering to send "The Feds" into Chicago to straighten us out. (Is that a band?)
- But before you do that, a word of advice: Watch some film footage of the 1968 Democratic Convention.
- And those were just the white people.
I hope the noisy protesters aren't disturbing your sleep, but I get the impression that you don't sleep very much anyway. Which sort of worries me.
And finally, please don't worry about any crazy (nasty, vile, loathsome) stuff that Vlad and Stevie might be holding over your head.
It won't change the way I feel about you one bit.