Saturday, October 21, 2017

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Sarah Huckabee Sanders,

I think you're going to be a popular Halloween costume this year.

Veraciously yours,

Underemployed



Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Happy Holidays

Dear Mr. Trump,

The best Christmas present of all would be your resignation.

Greetings of the Season,

Underemployed



Monday, October 16, 2017

Dear Scott Walker

Dear Governor Walker,

If they didn't listen to Trump, why should they listen to you?

You're a dolt,

Underemployed



President Mean Girl

Dear Mr. Trump,

The other day I came across David Axelrod on TV, cautiously suggesting that perhaps you might be jealous of Barack Obama.

(Ya think?)

I admit that I find it disheartening the way Washington circles the wagons when one of the chosen turns out to be a lemon (or, in your case, an orange).  You can practically see it tattooed across their foreheads:  "What can I get out of this without losing any votes?"  Screw nuclear winter, global warming, and neo-Nazi's!  They're more worried about their cousin's appointment to 2nd undersecretary to the ambassador of Tonga.

But getting back to this thing you have with Obama (and John McCain, too, BTW):  Dude!  I totally get it!

Back in high school, when I was about 16, I had this BIG crush on a guy named John.  I mean, I was full-on, sixteen-year-old-girl ga-ga, crush at first sight.  And my world came crashing down when, on the second day of our acquaintance, I overheard him talking to his best friend about Carmen, a young lady he clearly admired.

Carmen didn't know I existed, and when we were finally introduced, she was very nice (damn her).  She was tall, blonde, smart, talented, and funny.  And she had BIG BOOBS (tucking them into your pants now, huh Carmen?), which sort of mirrors your tiny hands complex. 

I was CONSUMED with jealousy, which lingered like the taste of Fresca, even after John and I became a big item and then eventually broke up.

My point is that, though all of this played out in my own mind instead of a global arena, I spent many an hour trying to console myself by criticizing Carmen's smallest flaws.  Hey, it was my Mean Girls stage!

And you're in your Mean Girls stage with Obama.  Though it's an unusually long one, if we count the whole "Birther Movement" comedy.

But I understand.  After all, truth be told, you fall a little short in comparison with your predecessor:
  1. He's younger than you.
  2. He dresses better.
  3. He's better looking.
  4. He has better hair.
  5. He's better educated.
  6. People like him.  And miss him.  A lot.
  7. He has a higher IQ.  (Don't argue, it's obvious.)
  8. He won the popular vote.
  9. He has bigger hands.
  10. And crowd sizes.
AND, though I'm only guessing here, he's tougher than you are.  I'm willing to bet that Sarah Huckabee Sanders would beat you in an arm wrestling match.

Thus, you have your reasons.  And my sympathy.

So let's move on now, shall we?

Empathetically yours,

Underemployed




Sunday, October 15, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm a little depressed.

Not about you, per se.  The moment I wrote you off as a nutcase, you lost the power to depress me.

Even when you hold up some bullshit piece of "legislation" (like you really understand legislation), glowing with your "Look at me!  I'm a big boy now!" face (actually scarier than your "Mussolini" face, which makes you look like something crawled up your butt and died), I remain immune.

No, what depresses me is that sea of happy (mostly white) faces that seem to populate your every photo op.  Much more depressing than you is what crawled out of the woodwork after you.  Smiling and applauding, they are always there, seemingly unaware of...well...anything

But you.  (Where have I see this before?  Oh, yeah.  North Korea.)

Now, given that these people are not certifiably insane, are apparently competent enough to match their belts to their shoes, and haven't be gelded, what would motivate an entire roomful of people - not to mention 292 or so Republican members of Congress - to encourage the tantrums and (potentially dangerous) antics of a petulant, mentally and morally deficient, giant orange man-baby?

I'm at a loss.

Since they can't possibly all be completely stupid, it must be either greed or fear.  Now, no amount of money is going to make nuclear winter or global warming any more fun and, personally, I can't imagine how someone could possibly be afraid of you.

Unless...
  1. Your BFF Steve Bannon and his dirt-digging machinery at Breitbart have something to do with it.
  2. You are Washington's Harvey Weinstein.  (Are you Harvey Weinstein?  The similarities are striking.)
  3. There are a lot of things about you that I don't know anything about.  Things I wouldn't understand.  Things I couldn't understand.  Things I shouldn't understand.
What I do know is that this doesn't bode well.  At the very least, it's creepy.  And your "base" is starting to look like a Village People fancon.

Maybe Donald Jr. could shed some light here?  They don't call him "Fredo" for nothing.

Perplexedly yours,

Underemployed



Monday, October 9, 2017

Dear Mike Pence

Dear Mr. Pence,

Word has it that you thought Colts fans would follow you out of the stadium en masse, in a grand spectacle of support for you and President Circus Boy.

Didn't quite work out that way, did it?  

Do you know why?  Well, besides the fact that most people have figured out that both of you are just straight-up whack-job fools, your head looks like a Day of the Dead sugar cube.

Just saying,

Underemployed




Sunday, October 8, 2017

Morons - Part 2

Dear Mr. Pence,

As if this couldn't get any better.

First, you jet from Las Vegas to Indianapolis to stage your little comedy.  At the taxpayers' expense.

Then, you post a picture of you and the missus at the game.  ("See how much fun we were having?  How tragic we were driven from the stadium by such a dastardly - AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED - manifestation of disrespect for soldiers, Flag, National Anthem!"). 

Unfortunately, the picture you posted was from "the game" in 2014.  

Then, the Cheeto-in-Chief tweets that he told you to do all this.  (Surprised?  Moi??)

Then, you jet to California.  For a fundraiser (good luck with that).  Also at the taxpayers' expense.

Total bill?  The watchdog group keeping an eye on you is saying $250,000.  

Your display of utter contempt for the intelligence of the entire population of the United States is insulting, unless you actually thought you were being clever.  But please keep in mind that We the People are relying on the likes of the TWO OF YOU to handle Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un.  To keep us safe from terrorism and nuclear war.  To show us a little of the respect you demand from football players for the national anthem.

Gotta say, it doesn't look promising.

Can you imagine what Rex Tillerson is thinking?

I can.

Stupefiedly yours,

Underemployed