Wednesday, January 17, 2018

I Got a 30!

Dear Dr. Ronny Jackson,

I just took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment.  And whew!  Am I relieved!

I mean, I'm a person who can't remember which side of my mouth I just flossed, and now I feel sure that I have the cognitive abilities to be President of the United States:
  1. I know my alphabet.  In order!
  2. I can copy a cube.
  3. AND draw a clock.  WITH all the numbers on it.
  4. I can identify THREE animals from shithole countries.
  5. I can remember five words.
  6. AND five numbers.
  7. AND I can even say three numbers BACKWARDS.  (Kim Jong Un, look out!)
  8. I can identify the letter "A".  Over and over again.
  9. I can subtract 7 from 100, FIVE WHOLE TIMES!!!
  10. I can repeat two sentences.
  11. I can think of 11 or more words that begin with the letter "F".  In under a minute!
  12. I know what a choo-choo is.  And how it's like my bicycle.
  13. AND I can tell you what a watch and ruler have in common, though I had to think about that for a minute.
  14. I know the date ('cuz it's on my phone).
  15. And the month ('cuz it's my birthday next week).
  16. And the year.
  17. And it's Wednesday.
  18. And I'm in Chicago.  
AND I can even tell you what PLANET I live on.  Which seems to be different than the one you live on, since it seems to have escaped your notice that there's something a little...shall we say...unusual about your celebrity patient's behavior.  But, hey!  You were appointed by Barack Obama, so you must have had something on the ball.


Keep up the good work,


Is It Me?

Am I the only one who suspects that the Trump/Bannon breakup is pure theater?

Dear Michael Wolff

Dear Mr. Wolff,

I was wondering why you called your book "Fire and Fury" instead of "Tantrums and Tiny Hands".  But thank you for not calling it "The Great Transition", given the fact that the Boychurian Candidate probably only read the title.  

Looking forward to a sequel,


Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Another Pop Quiz

What is the difference between these two sentences?
  1. "Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?"
  2. "Why are we having all these people from shithouse countries come here?"
If you answered "nothing", you would be correct.

If you answered that this all sounds like some bullshit concocted by a bunch of fucking third-graders, you would also be correct.

But at least they got "Fire and Fury" out of the headlines, right?

Mission accomplished.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Apostrophe D-gate

Pop quiz:

What is the difference between these two sentences?
  1. "I probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un."
  2. "I'd probably have a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un."
If you said that the first statement is a positive statement of fact in the present tense, and the second statement is a lame attempt by a lunatic to cover up yet another telling example of his tenuous grip on reality, you would be correct.  Kudos to the White House staffer who came up with the brilliant idea that Trump should insist he actually used the conditional tense.

"I'd" = "I would" or "I could".  Which would make sense, at least grammatically.  It sounds plausible in a tweet, because it's difficult to sound irredeemably insane in 140 characters.  

But is, in fact, not true.

Aside from the fact that there is an audio of the interview, which clearly supports the Wall Street Journal's original reporting, the problem is that Mr. Trump followed up his statement with this bit of braggadocio: 

"I have relationships with people.  I think you people are surprised." 

The only surprising relationship to which he possibly could have been referring was his fantasy relationship with Kim Jung Un (don't wanna go there please don't make me go there).  And, yes, I was surprised, given the evidence of my own senses.  And I wondered (briefly) what his very good relationships with Melania and the kids might be like. 

Now Mr. Sweet Potato Head is saying that "obviously" he didn't say he had a very good relationship with Kim Jong Un. 

Because, you know, that would be crazy. 

And, like, he really used the conditional tense. 

And I really wish there were (subjunctive) an audio of someone explaining that to him.

Friday, January 12, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

You're right.  When you disparaged Haiti and African countries as shitholes, you were just saying what many people think, but won't say.

Those people are generally known as "morons".

For the record,


Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Tell me you did not say this:

"We are going to take a strong look at our country's libel laws so that when somebody says something that is false and defamatory about someone, that person will have meaningful recourse in our courts."


Maybe you didn't compose that statement, because it's coherent and contains a few big words.  But you did agree to say it, apparently not fully comprehending what it means.

At the risk of stating the obvious, it means that - should you pursue this line of thinking -  your lawyers will be spending a LOT of time handling people seeking "meaningful recourse".

Starting, perhaps, with Barack Obama.

And James Comey.

Be careful what you wish for,