Friday, May 26, 2017

Dear President Cafone

Dear Mr. Trump,

How's that little vay-cay working out for you?  Here's what we know so far:
  1. Your wife can't stand you.
  2. Maybe because you're a rat bastard?
  3. Your son-in-law is even creepier than you are.
  4. Your suits don't fit.  Not even close.
  5. French people make fun of you.
  6. They didn't make fun of Obama.  Just sayin'.
  7. His Holiness thinks you're a jerk.  
  8. And when I first saw your ladies at the Vatican, I thought "Who died?"
  9. You really like Saudi Arabians. 
  10. Probably because they give you (and your creepy kids) money.
  11. And shiny things.
  12. World peace?  Fugeddaboudit.
So you're in Sicily now, are you? Let me give you a list of Sicilian words you're gonna hear.  A lot.  I don't know how they're spelled, but they sound like this:














They all pretty much mean the same thing.  Except for the last one.  But I think the word you're gonna hear the most is cafone.  Like, you are the EMBODIMENT of a cafone.  Take, for example, what you did to the Prime Minister of Montenegro.  Smooth move, James Bond.  The jacket flick was a nice touch. 

Seriously, chooch, in the Italian dictionary next to cafone is your picture.

Hope this helps,

Connie Staccato
Sicilian-American special corresdondent

(BTW, a special "grazi'!" to the American-Italian dictionary at

Monday, May 22, 2017

Dear Governor Christie

Dear Governor Christie,

Today I read the following quote, attributed to you, in reference to Mike Flynn:

"If I were president-elect of the United States, I wouldn't let General Flynn in the White House, let alone give him a job."

Tough talk from a jet-puffed marshmallow.  So answer me this, Big Boy.  If that's true, then how come you had no problem legitimizing and enabling the goofball who did?

Just asking, because I'm not sure you realize how annoying you are,


Just So You Know

The "leaks" are coming from the Grand Poobah himself: 

Donald J. Trump

This speculation is "largely based on an accumulation of data".  Namely, since this guy has been on my radar, I've never known him to be able to keep his big mouth shut.

And I'll bet he's loving every minute of it.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Everybody Knows

I've come to the conclusion that President* Trump is at his scariest whenever he says, "Everybody knows."

Here is a partial list of what Mr. Trump thinks everybody knows:
  1. He calls his own shots.  (Who else would be this stupid?)
  2. "...largely based on an accumulation of data."  (I shudder to think.)
  3. His hair is real.  (That's a good thing?)
  4. As is He, Himself.  (Ditto.)
  5. The Russian 'story' is fake news.  (Not.)
  6. And there is no collusion.  (Speaking strictly for himself, of course - so he says - but still.  Not.)
  7. Everybody's against him.  (This worries me.)
  8. James Comey is a showboat, a grandstander, a real nut job.  And crazy.  ("I know you are, but what am I?")
  9. The system is rigged.  (Agreed.  But by whom?)
  10. He had the largest inauguration crowd, period.  (In spite of what you might have heard/seen/counted/cared about.)
  11. Jeb Bush is a wuss.  (Obviously.)
  12. Steve Harvey.
This is but a sampling.  There's much more.  Mr. Trump may not be in contact with the Russians, but he appears to be in constant contact with the little green people on his home planet.

Mr. Trump, I assure you there is one thing for sure that everybody knows:

You're toast.

Fill in the Blanks, Part 2

Donald Trump calling James Comey, "crazy" and a "real nut job" is like:

____________ calling ____________, " ____________ " and a " ____________ ".

I'm beginning to detect a pattern...


Saturday, May 13, 2017

Fill in the Blanks

Donald Trump calling James Comey a "showboat" and a "grandstander" is like:

____________ calling ____________ a "____________" and a "____________".

I've been trying for two whole days.  With a thesaurus.  And all I can think is, "Well, that's the pot calling the kettle black!"  Which means I'm in some sort of shock, or there just are no words.

You give it a go.  It's Saturday.  Buy a bottle of Stoli.  Invite some friends over.  See what you come up with.  The best entry will receive a certified letter from my lawyer saying that I don't have any business dealings with Russians, suitable for framing.

Better make that a bottle of Jack.