Sunday, February 19, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Please keep Steve Bannon where we can see him.

Concernedly yours,


Thursday, February 16, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Those naughty Ruskies!  Missiles, spy ships, and goodness knows what else?  Maybe they could get to Ivanka or Melania with some "fake fashion news"?  

Maybe they already have.

Well, at any rate, this is it.  Your moment.  All eyes on you.  ACT TOUGH!  I'm sure everyone will be enormously impressed. 

I hear you're taking time off from the maelstrom in the White House to kick off your 2020 re-election campaign in Florida on Saturday.  Here's some advice:
  1. Take off your shirt!  
  2. Wrestle an alligator!
  3. Show the world that you're not just some big, puffy, whiny, orange baby.  Alligators (Trump?) are tremendously tougher than tigers (Putin, and he had a gun).  This could be a big "win" for you.

Knock 'em dead,


Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

What a week you've had!  A HUGE job, putting together a veritable Marvel Universe of scary guys in your cabinet, each more worrisome than the last.  Sometime soon I'm going to make a list of them with their super-names and super-powers, but they're coming at me so fast and furiously I'm having a tough time keeping up.  However, I've already got your super-name ready: Agent Orange.

Like it?  I think your super-power will be blinding idiots with alternative facts.

The last two cabinet posts...what can I say?  A school marm and a hanging judge.  When does John Wayne ride into this scene?

The hanging judge: Jeff Sessions.  Is that a real person or were you somehow able to reanimate the corpse of Henry Gibson?  

Coincidence?  You decide.
Now all this brouhaha about Mike Flynn!  Dude, I called it (see previous post, "Dear Mr. Trump" 2/2/17), and today it's all the news fit to print.

But there's something I noticed that's got me worried.  
  1. So, yeah, Mike Flynn and the Russians.
  2. And last Saturday you decided to have an open-air situation room meeting on a terrace at Mar-a-Lago ("Hey, it's a nice night..."),
  3. AND, if my calculations are correct, a Russian spy ship would have been within drone-surveillance distance right about that time.
People with suspicious natures might wonder about that.

Just sayin',


Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Dear New England Patriots

Dear* New* England* Patriots*,


Sleep* well*, you've* earned* it*,


Monday, February 6, 2017

Dear Australia

Dear Australia,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because your handsome, progressive, well-educated, well-mannered, and legally elected head of state - with the very nice name - had such an unpleasant experience with our new (sort of a) president.

To be fair, Steve Bannon was in the room and Mr. Trump should have just handed him the phone, but that might have been much worse.

Let me tell you a little story.  Back in the days when I was gainfully employed, I worked for a company which came up with this brilliant idea: They gave all their managers psychological tests, and - based on the results - categorized them into one of four personality types.  The company then gave us cards that detailed how to interact with people from each of these four categories.  The idea was that we would consult the cards for tips on how to effectively communicate with one another.  A sort of "cheat sheet" on how to deal with humans.  It was recommended that we also keep a card by our phones.  I am not kidding about this.  I wish I were.

So, based on what I've seen so far - and America has a pretty lengthy history with the Trumpster - I've come up with a cheat sheet for Mr. Turnbull to keep by his phone, based on Mr. Trump's personality traits (I'll leave the category up to the popular imagination).  Hopefully, this will prevent any future misunderstandings. 

Things to Remember When Talking to Donald Trump
  1. He's orange.
  2. He has weird hair,
  3. Which he "does" himself.
  4. He's vulgar (Versailles Hall of Mirrors, pussy),
  5. And a bully.
  6. He has an extremely limited attention span,
  7. And delusions of grandeur.
  8. He has an obsession with "winning", though he's vague on what exactly is to be won.
  9. He's thin-skinned, especially about size (hands, crowds).
  10. He has difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality (The Apprentice, Melania).
  11. He's terrified of all things alien,
  12. Like immigrants, 
  13. Women, 
  14. Godzilla.
  15. And he's uneducated.
I am basing #15 (above) on his use of the word "unpresidented" as an adjective.

I'm sure you and I would both love to see it used as a verb.



Sunday, February 5, 2017


Q:  What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a turkey?

A:  Mitch McConnell.