Friday, July 21, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

Whew!  What a day you've had!  I'm sure right now you're gratefully sinking back into the vibrating easy-chair in your padded cell at the White House, enjoying a Diet Coke and a foot massage from your new bromance, Anthony Scaramucci.

He's quite a character, that Anthony!  My first reaction was, "Who's this clown?"  A little Cousin Vinny-like for a Harvard law grad, no?  Which made it sound like everything that came out of his mouth was bullshit, but maybe he was just a little over-stimulated from basking in your dazzling orange glow.   

I gave up counting how many times Mr. Scaramucci said "love" in reference to you and your sundry barnacles during his debut press conference today.  And I have to confess that this was a little worrisome, since you and your courtiers are not - how shall I put this? - especially lovable by anything but the slackest of standards.  But I was really captivated by his assertion that you had "good karma".

Seriously?  Well, you sure didn't rack it up in this lifetime.

Which made me ponder who/what you might have been in your past lifetimes.  And I came up with a short list.
  1. Henry VIII (after he fell on his head).
  2. Jeff Sessions (oh, wait, he's not dead yet).
  3. Caligula.
  4. Peter Griffin.
  5. A wombat.
None of whom would generate much good karma.  Perhaps Mr. Scaramucci doesn't fully understand the concept.

He will.

Stai attento,

Underemployed
 



Dear Jeff Sessions

Dear Jeff Sessions,

My fork says you're done.

'Bye,

Underemployed

Monday, July 17, 2017

Dear Alabama

And you thought Jeff Sessions was a psychopath.

Here's a glimpse at the heirs apparent to his vacant throne in Alabama.  From NBC News:

"...ahead of the August 15 primary to fill the Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, the leading GOP candidates are accusing each other of showing insufficient loyalty to the president, whom they speak of with divine reverence.

"Incumbent Sen. Luther Strange, who was appointed to fill the seat temporarily in February, called Trump's election a 'Biblical miracle.' Roy Moore, the twice-elected, twice-deposed Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, said, 'God…sent Donald Trump in there.' And Rep. Mo Brooks, a Tea Party favorite, has vowed to read the King James Bible on the Senate floor until the president's border wall gets built."

(Now, I have it on good authority that there are normal people who live in Alabama, too.  How do they do it?  Do they just stay stoned all the time, like Willie Nelson in Texas?  Or do they just huddle in enclaves, shrouded in shared delusion?)

But wait, there's more:

"Two of Stranges' campaign ads feature him firing a handgun equipped with a silencer at 'Obama's amnesty plan' in order to call attention to his support for a bill to cut taxes on silencers."

(Seriously?  But I suppose that would be what one should expect from somebody named Luther Strange.)


Dear Alabama, 

Any chance you guys want to try to secede from the Union again?  I'm sure the rest of the country would be just fine with that now.

Think about it,

Underemployed







Wednesday, July 12, 2017

An Ode to Donald Trump

Oh! What are we going to do with Uncle Donald?
A clear disaster, is Uncle Donald.
When he goes a-Twitter at the Mar,
Watch the news, 'cause the Russians will not be far!

If ever lurked a jerk, it's Uncle Donald.
He's batshit crazy, and so is his son!
Gimme your vote, I hear him say;
He'll steal it from you anyway,

Now in the White House there's a twit,
Who grabs you by the where-you-sit,
A silly old git who thinks he really won!


Now sing along! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4QEkjgDalA



Monday, July 10, 2017

Dear Don Jr.

Dear Don Jr.,

You're dumber than you look.  And that's saying something.

Bon voyage,

Underemployed



Saturday, July 8, 2017

Sucker Punch

I know I'm going to offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think that the combination of bleach and over-exposure to a blow dryer can have a detrimental effect on the brain.

I'm specifically thinking of Ivanka Trump, who - if everything goes according to plan - will be the First Woman President of the United States.  Elected by Russian hackers, people who wear shorts with elastic waistbands, angry white guys, and desperate white women who want angry white guys to love them.

(Boy, won't that just burn Hillary's butt!  I can hear Trump cackling in my sleep.)

Here's the plan:
  1. Trump acts like an ignorant, senile old bastard with a pathological need for attention.
  2. The behavior escalates until everybody in the world considers acquiring an emergency stash of opioids.
  3. The ethereally lovely Ivanka wafts in to soothe the savage beast and make it all better.  Everybody in the world is grateful that the pain stops, even for a moment.
  4. Steps 1-3 are repeated as necessary.
  5. Ivanka runs for president after stashing Daddy in a (very classy) memory care facility.
Here's what to watch for:
  1. Increasingly bad behavior from Dad Trump, ultimately mitigated by the Enlightened Voice of Reason (which she will refer to, in the future, as her "experience").
  2. The Divorce.  Jared has acquired an impressive amount of baggage is a very short period of time, no?  I predict that Ivanka will be "shocked and heartbroken", as reported by The Enquirer.
  3. The Sons of Trump will mysteriously disappear.
A proper sucker punch.  And we thought it was Donald we needed to worry about.

Hey, Ivanka:  If you're so all-fired clever and influential, why is THIS happening:


I guess it's small potatoes compared to the 50 million smackeroos Daddy pledged to your pet Women's Project.  I was particularly repelled by the big Thank-You Kiss, though I'm pretty sure I would kiss a hyena's ass for 50 million dollars. 

Maybe you could give it to the Afghan girls.