Friday, May 18, 2018

Dear Bennie Thompson

Dear Representative Thompson,

Personally, I think there should be a law REQUIRING members of Congress to sleep in their offices when they're in Washington.  And members of the Cabinet, too.

It would be a great way to get rid of Scott Pruitt.

For your consideration,


All-Time Biggest Political Scandal

Dear Mr. Trump,

You seem to consider the possibility that the FBI has been spying on you to be the all-time biggest political scandal.

No.  It isn't.  Given that:
  1. Trump Tower is full of shady Russians.
  2. Ditto: your Florida properties.
  3. You've been hanging out with lowlifes like Paul Manafort.  
  4. And Carter Page.
  5. And Roger Stone.
  6. Just to name a few.  There are more.  And they all have questionable dealings with the Russians.
  7. Donald Trump, Jr. is a complete fucking idiot, who went to a meeting with Russians to get dirt on Hillary Clinton.
  8. Your son-in-law and Michael Flynn tried to set up a secret back-channel with the Russians.  
  9. Some very credible people have cited some very bizarre behavior on your part while you were in Moscow.
  10. And you've been sniffing Vladimir Putin's butt for years.
It would be the all-time biggest political scandal if you weren't being watched by the FBI. 

Think about it,


Thursday, May 17, 2018

Happy Anniversary

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today the investigation (Michael Flynn) led by Special Counsel Mueller (Paul Manafort) is one year old (Rick Gates), and what a year (all those Russkies) it's been!  I am fully, if not painfully, aware (George Papadopoulos) that you consider all of this a witch hunt (that one Dutch guy), though I have to admit (Guccifer 2.0) that the sight of you  (Miss Universe Pageant) leading mobs (the Steele dossier) in chants of "Lock her up!" (Trump Tower Moscow) looks and feels (the Seychelles, Prague) much more like a witch hunt (Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels) to me.

But (James Comey) cheer up!  I have a feeling (Carter Page, Roger Stone, Felix Sater) that this next year (Cambridge Analytica) is going to be (the whole fucking NRA) much more fun!

In collusion,


Friday, May 11, 2018

Dear Kirstjen Nielsen

Dear Ms. Nielsen,

I'll bet you really, really regret covering your boss's sorry ass by telling the Senate that you didn't know Norway had a lot of white people in it.

You see?  Aside from disconcerting that segment of the American electorate who were rightfully (albeit skeptically) appalled that the head of the Department of Homeland Security was unaware of the demographics of Scandinavia ("Can I call a friend?"), it was all for naught.  Get in line behind Scott Pruitt and General Kelly.

See you on Dancing with the Stars,


Dear General Kelly

Dear General Kelly,

You recently made some - well, I'll say "interesting" since it's more polite than "fucking stupid" - remarks about undocumented immigrants in the United States:
  1. They are "overwhelmingly rural people" who would not "easily assimilate...into our modern society."  (I wonder what American farmers would think about that.  If they were paying attention.)
  2. They come from "fourth-, fifth-, and sixth-grade educations".  (Which makes them better educated than your boss.)
  3. "They don't speak English; obviously that's a big thing."  (Obviously.)
  4. "They don't integrate well..."  (With people like you calling the shots, I'm wondering why they should want to.)
  5. "...they don't have skills."  (As defined by the urbane, educated, skillful person who spends his days kissing a monkey's butt.)
I'm racking my brain here to think of how the people you are describing differ from my Sicilian immigrant great-grandparents.  And the answer is:  they don't.  But - surprise! - my family managed to (eventually) assimilate quite nicely.  My daughter attends the University of Chicago and my son is at Harvard. 

Some things take a little time.

When you're done congratulating yourself on the accidents of history that bequeathed your Irish immigrant ancestors the ability to speak English, maybe you could work on learning a skill.

Like compassion.

Third-generationally yours,