Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Dear Jimmy Kimmel

Dear Mr. Kimmel,

I, too, have a child with a life-threatening (and expensive!) pre-existing condition.  Please accept my sincere appreciation for standing up to those heartless bastards who would have no problem ruining our lives if they thought it would buy them a vote.

Thank you for using your voice in our defense.

And though I have long surrendered myself to blankets and bunny slippers by the time your show comes on, I want you to know that I love you.  

Gratefully yours,


Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Dear Paul Manafort

Dear Mr. Manafort,

You do realize that if it weren't for leaks, we wouldn't get any news at all.

Just saying,


Dear GOP Senators

Dear GOP Senators,

You do realize that all these health-care theatrics have NOTHING to do with what might be good for the American people and EVERYTHING to do with obliterating any fond memories they might still have of Barack Obama.


Because if it were called "Trumpcare", the current resident of the White House would be touting it as the greatest health care system ever:

"Historic.  Believe me.  And I know health care better than anybody because...well...maybe I know some people who actually use it.  Anyway, I've heard many people's tremendous.  Everybody knows.  A lot of people say so..."

It is slowly dawning on me that the future of this planet is entirely dependent on the outcome of a phantasmagorical popularity contest being conducted entirely within the none-too-stable mind of a raving lunatic. 

And, as if that weren't enough, he's orange.

This is the stuff of nightmares.

What I really don't get is why fifty (okay, 48) apparently sane people  - elected with the full faith of their constituencies - should be going along with it.

You must have your reasons.  (I'm not sure I want to go there.)  But you do realize that when this half-assed health care plan goes haywire - and it will - everybody's going to blame you, not him.

So please act like grown-ups.  Or at least bipeds with a healthy self-preservation instinct.

Fretfully yours,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

After listening to your address to the United Nations this morning, it occurred to me that there are those that might take issue with some of your key points:
  1. Native Americans
  2. African Americans
  3. Women
  4. Historians
  5. Atheists
  6. Socialists
  7. China
  8. Countries (non-specific) who are going to hell (you know who you are)
  9. God (also non-specific)
  10. Elton John
And is it my imagination, or were you considerably more orange this morning?

Just asking,


Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

It's me, your old friend, and I take back every rotten thing I've ever said about you. 

I was just kidding, anyway.  My admirable colleague, Chris Collins (R-N.Y., not very bright), says you are "just a fun guy", so I'd like to think that you've enjoyed many a good laugh at my political shenanigans.  But I promise I'll never do it again.

Let's start over.  We can make this work.

For you, O Tremendous One Of Tall Towers and Huge Hands, my Republican friends and I are willing to SACRIFICE THE WELL-BEING OF EVERY PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY, as well as our collective integrity, that we may bask anew in the warmth of your orange glow.

To show our sincerity and esteem, we've cooked up a humdinger of a health care bill that we think we can ram through the Senate before September 30th.  This is our gift, and proof of rudimentary competence, to you.  So you don't feel like you have to look elsewhere for the love and appreciation you so crave and deserve.  The bill is actually even worse than any of the other ones we've tried to pull off, if that's possible, but who cares?  Only Democrats.  Oh, and any Americans who need decent health care, but only the ones north of the Mason-Dixon line who can read and/or aren't passed out on opioids. 

They'll come around.  They always do.  Even the Democrats will, if we legalize marijuana.  Trust me.  All will be forgotten and forgiven by November 2018.

I hope. 

Now please stop eating Chinese food with Nancy Pelosi.  It's more than I can bear.

Faithfully yours forever and ever, until the end of time,

And I really mean it,

Lindsey Graham

Monday, September 18, 2017

Notes on a UN Meeting

From the desk of Donald J. Trump:

Today's Agenda
  1. Meeting at the United Nations (some people are saying the biggest ever).
  2. Lunch.
  3. (Golf?)
  4. Dinner.
  5. Bedtime (ask General Kelly if I can watch TV first).

Notes to self:
  1. Start UN meeting by talking about my dick.
  2. Not my real dick (too small, illegal),
  3. But the building across the street (TRUMP WORLD TOWER),
  4. Which is very BIG, really.  Huge. Tremendous.
  5. Say some stuff about reform.
  6. Tell them about how I'm going to make the United Nations great.
  7. Like I'm making America Great Again!
  8. Give examples.
  9. Like...?
  10. Hmmm...
  11. Maybe...?
  12. Or...
  13. (Ask Mike Pence for examples.)
  14. Or just be vague (easy).
  15. Or lie (usually works).
Some HBCU people might drop by the White House.  Tell Kellyanne to keep her feet off the furniture.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Dear Ivanka

Dear Ivanka,

I have heard about your concern that some people have created "unrealistic expectations" of you.

(I'm sorry about that.  If it makes you feel any better, I would say that you have totally met my expectations of you, namely that you hang around looking like a blonde Kardashian.  Take comfort, you do that admirably.)

But, so soon after "'Daddy, can I come with you' to North Dakota?"

Girl, what gives?

Are you telling us that you are no such "voice of reason" within the White House?  So why do you need an office (at the taxpayer's expense, I'm sure) next to the head of the National Security Council?  Why not just a daybed and your bunny slippers in Daddy's office?  With such limited influence over His Orangeness, what would you have us believe about that (well-publicized) trip to North Dakota?
  1. That you really do have influence?
  2. Or you think you do?
  3. Or you had an overwhelming and irresistible urge to visit North Dakota?
Instead of berating those poor souls you believe to have unrealistic expectations, why not show some compassion for the pitiful psyches battered to the point of being desperate enough to endow you with savior status.

However, I think your trials are at an end.  It's safe to go back to New York, where you can live happily without all those pesky expectations.  

We've got Chuck Schumer now.

Unrealistically yours,