Friday, August 18, 2017

Dear Mr. Bannon

Dear Mr. Bannon,

Please allow me a few moments of your attention before you drink yourself into your nightly stupor.

I hear that you really weren't fired today.  Which I don't doubt for a minute.  You left voluntarily, and who can blame you?  With the White House starting to resemble the set of Dr. Strangelove, just how effective could you be?  Now you are free to wage your "war" without that pesky Constitution to worry about.

Regretfully, your choice of words could be construed as throwing gasoline on the national fire, but that's in keeping with the grand plan, I guess.  It will be interesting to see the results of your fiery journalism while waiting in checkout lines at Walgreens.  (With an eye to their customers' continued good appetites, my grocery store chooses not to sell The Enquirer.)

I have a bit of advice for you in regards to your new/old job at Breitbart.

Though I'm sure you and Mr. Trump are gleefully cooking up all sorts of nasty surprises for those you perceive to be your enemies (quite a list, I'm sure), you guys are apparently missing a very important point.  The reality is that you are SO far gone many people would consider it a fucking badge of honor to be defamed in one of"news" stories.

In fact, if you really wanted to "crush" some hapless member of the "opposition", all you would have to do is casually mention that he or she is a friend of yours.

How easy is that?

Now, back to your double Maker's Mark.  On the bright side, you can day drink again.

Bon voyage,


P.S.  Do you think you could take Lurch with you?  

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Dear General Kelly

Dear General Kelly,

For crying out loud, can't you give this guy KP or something?



Dear Mitch McConnell

Dear Mitch McConnell,

I find it interesting to read that you were so angered by your Fearless Leader's recent display of spectacular ignorance that you were rendered speechless for 48 hours.

Call me a cynic, but I think you were just checking the polls.

Curiously, you are suddenly being characterized as a "pro-civil rights" Republican (which is certainly news to the Americans who came of age after your midlife crisis) in the popular press.

Nice try, and you have a helluva PR team. 

However, in my own mind, nothing will ever be able to erase the many times I've seen you, since the inauguration, photographed with a smug and satisfied smirk on your face, apparently pleased with Yam Man's sundry attempts to decimate this planet.

Sorry, dude.  What goes around, comes around.  Ask Anthony Scaramucci, who - I think - finally understands karma.

And good luck in 2018.

Skeptically yours,


Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Underemployed Is the New Resistance

cc:  Melania Trump, Ivanka Trump 

(Sorry, ladies, I try to leave you out of this, because I think there's a possibility that you've been abused and/or brainwashed, and I don't like to rail against my sisters, but I've had it.)

Dear Mr. Trump,

White supremacy and Nazism are not "sides".  They are enemies of the United States.  Of humanity.  Of civilization.  And the people, the common citizens, who come forward to protect us from them should be hailed as heroic.

Alt-left?  Nobody's buying that.  Well, maybe Ann Coulter is buying it, but...'nuff said.

You, who cry big crocodile tears over our military, and now desecrate everything they've ever fought and died for, how do you sleep?

Call me divisive, but I have no intention of "uniting" with this evil.  Or communicating with it.  Ever. 

And that includes you.

Enough.  You need to resign.  Right now.  Though that may deprive me of the pleasure of seeing you - and your minions - going to jail, I'm willing to make the sacrifice.


P.S.  The eye protectors you wear during your spray tans are making you look like a big orange raccoon.

Sunday, August 13, 2017


The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary (see previous post) has been amended to include the following entry:

"others of different militant perspectives
     1.  people who object to white-supremacists and neo-Nazis; 
     2.  people who read books;
     3.  people who can count by fives all the way to a hundred;
     4.  Democrats;
     5.  and anybody else who didn't vote for Donald Trump."

Thank you, Mike Pence, for your contribution to my humble lexicon.

For the record:
  1. You look like you're made out of PVC and would get slimy in the rain.
  2. You talk like someone in the throes of an LSD flashback. 
  3. Your wife is quite right about not letting you drink when you're out of her sight.
I'll bet you spend hours watching your Big Orange Daddy in the White house (looking as vapid as possible, so as not to alarm him), whilst spinning fantasies about him having to seek political asylum amongst the Uzbeks. 

And thinking about how thrilled Americans would be to have you as their president.

You're wrong about that.  Many Americans have carefully checked the line of succession and - God help them - are trying to figure out how to get to Orrin Hatch.

BTW, Indiana doesn't miss you.  One bit.

Goodbye, Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

After this:

You said this:

And you're trying to spin it:

But it won't work. 

Watch what happens next.



Saturday, August 12, 2017

Dear Mr. Trump

Dear Mr. Trump,

I'm feeling sucker punched.  Again.

It appears that Rex Tillerson and Nikki Haley have convinced you that your wrestling match with North Korea isn't playing well with a whole lot of people, and now you're bored, and you're figuring that maybe you can just dump the whole fiasco on Sweden or China or someone, and move on.

Well, all I can say is that was a half-a-bottle of whiskey wasted.

Probably, Mr. Tillerson and Ms. Haley - after assuring you that they love you to pieces - also pointed out that the rest of the world just considers you to be America's very own little Kim Jong Un.  A pain in the ass.  But with a shorter attention span.

Not easy to find a dog to wag these days.

However, with various investigative agencies knocking on your golf club's door, you'd better come up with something.


And like a gift from heaven, that rascal Maduro in Venezuela has started acting up.  I'm guessing that most of people in the United States, being as clueless as a Nevada parole board about anything that goes on in South America, give a damn if you bomb Venezuela.

What's not to love?  Venezuela won't fight back.  And there's lots of cheap oil to be had, you get to play with your new toys, and you'll finally WIN something.  Maybe you could send Donald Jr. there to be president for a while.  Just 'til the heat dies down.

With Venezuela you can thump your chest as much as you want, causing paroxysms of patriotism amongst your not-too-bright base and another bump in your approval ratings, though I'm sure that your professed feelings of compassion for the people of Venezuela are as genuine as your cartoon machismo. 

I'm also sure that, up until yesterday, you wouldn't be able to pick out Venezuela on a map, given a pop quiz.

Exasperatedly yours,