Dear Mr. Trump,
Betrayed! By a (younger than you) back-stabbing (better looking than you) Canadian (and way smarter). Brownie points to Peter Navarro (a blithering idiot) for pointing out (lickspittle) that there is a special place in hell (next to the one we're in right now) for those who double-cross (infamia!) you (and, by extension, God, I guess).
Hang in there (Putin's got your back). And trust your instincts (because you sure can't trust your brain).