Dear Mr. Trump,
Sweet home Alabama! So you had a rip-snortin', foot-stompin' good time with thousands of people you would normally find highly unattractive. Good for you. You're always much more...shall we say..."newsworthy" after your handlers arrange for you to be in front of a bunch of illiterates for a while.
But you should lighten up on the big-crowd-size thing, because you're only drawing attention to how small we suspect you are in every other respect and, anyway, at this point we're pretty sure your fans are paid.
I'd like to take this opportunity to address a few of your points:
- There's a difference between "Little Rocket Man" and "Little Marco". Little Rocket Man has nuclear weapons at his disposal; Little Marco does not.
- Remember when you said John McCain wasn't a war hero? So does he.
- I think it's probably not a good idea to profanely condemn an NFL player's respectful protest gesture. It further blurs the distinction between Kim Jong Un and you.
- The Wall: "If you can't see through it, you don't know who's on the other side." I can solve that mystery: Mexicans.
- Luther Strange: "I might have made a mistake..." Well, that's a ringing endorsement. Not that I care.
But the number one issue about the Alabama rally: Were you kidding with that tie?