Sunday, July 23, 2017

The Donald Trump Phrasebook and Dictionary

-A-

a lot of people
     nobody, a few hillbillies maybe

alternative fact
     a lie

amazing
     something shiny     

-B-

base
     nobody in their right mind

believe me
     I'm lying

big
     good

bigly
     big league, just like me

billions of dollars pouring into NATO
     a lie

-C-

chemistry
     something I think exists when somebody isn't straight-up laughing at me

classy
     tacky

collusion
    something everybody knows I didn't do (see "crowd size", "fake news")

covfefe
     a secret word, revealed to me by the voices, understood only by the inhabitants of my home planet

creepy
     Anthony Scaramucci

criminals
     Mexicans, Hillary Clinton, people who do bad things but who are not related to me

crooked
     Hillary Clinton (see "women")
   
crowd size
     the measure of all things, directly proportional to my insecurities about being illegally elected, and - by extension -  my dick
   
-D-

deal
     something done by my lawyers, but that I take credit for

-E-

everybody
     nobody

everybody knows
     nobody believes it for a minute

extreme vetting
     a process that should be required for Mexicans and Muslims trying to come to the U.S., except seasonal employees of Trump properties

-F-

failing, failed
     people who don't like me

fair
     anything that lets me win
    
fake news
     anything I don't like

fantastic
     meh

-G-

global warming
     Chinese fake news

good boy
     my son, Don Jr., who is almost 40, and didn't really mean to cut off that elephant's tail

good man
     someone about to be kicked to the curb

-H-

hands
     the historically large appendages attached to my wrists

health care
     something that proves that Barack Obama is way smarter than I am

historic
     me, everything about me, everything I do

history
     self-serving shit I just make up

-I-

I heard somewhere
     Steve Bannon planted it in a tabloid somewhere and now I'm repeating it

incredible
     meh

infinity
     someplace astronauts go, out there...maybe...could be...

-L-

lack of clarity
     lying

leak, leaker
     the truth, somebody who tells the truth

loser
     someone who knows I'm lying

love
     money

loyalty
     something I value because I'm counting on it to keep me out of jail          

-M-

made in America
     a lie

Mexicans
     bad hombres who should stay on the other side of a big, big wall that they're going to pay for

Mike Pence
     the reason I haven't been impeached

modern day presidential
     having opposable thumbs

obstructionist
      anyone who thinks I'm lying

-N-

NAFTA
     foreigners who cheat us out of money 

NATO
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

-O-

others of different militant perspectives
     1.  people who object to white-supremacists and neo-Nazis;
     2.  people who read books,
     3.  people who can count by fives all the way to a hundred;
     4.  Democrats;
     5.  and anybody else who didn't vote for me.

-R-

really well
     like shit

relationship
     a one-way figment of my imagination 

rigged
     anything I don't win

-S-

sad
     people who don't believe me when I'm lying

spin, n.
     a lie

spin, v.

     to lie

-T-

talented
     people who believe me when I'm lying

tax reform
     a lie

team
     minions

the president
     me (see "crowd size")

tough
     something that requires effort

Trans-Pacific Partnership
     foreigners who cheat us out of money

transparency
     lying, but acting like I'm not lying

tremendous
     meh

Twitter
     the modern day presidential way of saying something stupid

-U-

unpresidented
     (we wish...)

-V-

very fake news
     the truth

very good relationship
     occasionally might talk to me, briefly, if we're in a group

voter fraud by millions of illegal immigrants
     a lie
     
-W- 

witch hunt
     fake news about me and the Russians (some of whom are very nice people, by the way) that nobody cares about (except the New York Times - see "failing") and that I'm gonna put a stop to soon (see "creepy")

women
     aliens, sometimes nasty







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