Dear President Kushner,
Not so good, huh?
I'm willing to bet that you came back from your ski trip (powder? Hope there was powder!) to find your President-in-law alternating between towering tantrum and catatonia. "Uh-oh," I'm sure you said to yourself. "Something must be done here. Good thing the President has such a bright son-in-law who's more than willing to step up to the plate as Leader of the Free World." And - voila! - the White House Office of American Innovation (WHOAi) was born.
So easy. Why haven't any of those stupid old codgers in Washington thought of this before? I'm looking forward to your inspiring leadership. And Ivanka's, because I - for one - have pretty much figured out what the future looks like: discount mid-price designer.
So, what exactly is this new office? According to my research, it is:
- A "SWAT team of strategic consultants"; and
- An "incubator of sleek transformation".
Sounds like fun! I hear that you're "proud" of the fact that this group of wunderkind has "little or no experience" in anything like government. Hey, fuck the last 241 years!
And here's the first thing on your schedule: a "reimagining" of the Veteran's Administration. Starting with that pesky opioid addiction epidemic. Since you have Jeff Sessions looking over your shoulder, you probably won't do anything as innovative or strategic or sleek as just letting the poor bastards have some weed. OMG, no! You're going create an official "drug commission", headed by none other than that living embodiment of innovation, strategy, and sleek: Chris Christie! Governor Meatloaf. You guys are old friends, right?
I'm feeling more optimistic already. Or something like that.