Thursday, March 30, 2017

Monday, March 27, 2017

Dear President Kushner

Dear President Kushner,

How's Dad?

Not so good, huh?

I'm willing to bet that you came back from your ski trip (powder?  Hope there was powder!) to find your President-in-law alternating between towering tantrum and catatonia.  "Uh-oh," I'm sure you said to yourself.  "Something must be done here.  Good thing the President has such a bright son-in-law who's more than willing to step up to the plate as Leader of the Free World."  And - voila! - the White House Office of American Innovation (WHOAi) was born.

So easy.  Why haven't any of those stupid old codgers in Washington thought of this before?  I'm looking forward to your inspiring leadership.  And Ivanka's, because I - for one - have pretty much figured out what the future looks like:  discount mid-price designer.  

So, what exactly is this new office?  According to my research, it is:
  1. A "SWAT team of strategic consultants"; and
  2. An "incubator of sleek transformation".
Sounds like fun!  I hear that you're "proud" of the fact that this group of wunderkind has "little or no experience" in anything like government.  Hey, fuck the last 241 years!

And here's the first thing on your schedule: a "reimagining" of the Veteran's Administration.  Starting with that pesky opioid addiction epidemic.  Since you have Jeff Sessions looking over your shoulder, you probably won't do anything as innovative or strategic or sleek as just letting the poor bastards have some weed.  OMG, no!  You're going create an official "drug commission", headed by none other than that living embodiment of innovation, strategy, and sleek:  Chris Christie!  Governor Meatloaf.  You guys are old friends, right?

I'm feeling more optimistic already.  Or something like that.

For the record, we didn't vote for you either.  Apparently, it's the new normal.

Longanimously yours,

Underemployed



Sunday, March 26, 2017

Dear Chancellor Merkel

Dear Chancellor Merkel,

Please allow me to apologize for the lack of civility afforded you by our (questionably) elected-leader.  

I'm sure you were bewildered, as were we all, but after conducting a little research, I have managed to make some sense of the whole fiasco:
  1. You were supposed to come on a Monday.
  2. Unfortunately, there was a big snowstorm.
  3. So you rescheduled your visit.
  4. And came on a Friday instead.
  5. Delaying Mr. Trump's departure to Mar-A-Lago.
So he was a little cranky.  He gets like that if he's away from Mar-a-Lago for too long, the reasons for which are still open to speculation. 

It was more than a little uncomfortable for you, coming all that way and being treated like a Venezuelan beauty pageant winner.  Still, you were a lady and a scholar, and my admiration for you knows no bounds.

And please don't worry about the bill.  I understand the Freedom Caucus is planning to take care of it.

Your fan,

Underemployed  






Timing Is Everything

Dear Mr. Trump,

Good move.  I'm guessing this isn't the best time to have a surrogate named "Boris".

Cheers,

Underemployed




Dear Maureen Dowd

Dear Maureen,

Thank you for writing this:


You've said it all.  And so much better than I ever could.

Gratefully yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  I had to look up "Manichaean".  What an adjective!  You are now, officially, the person I want to be when I grow up.










Friday, March 24, 2017

Dear France

Dear France,

Regarding Ms. Le Pen:  I've seen this movie before.  I know how it ends.

Faites attention!

Underemployed




Thursday, March 23, 2017

I Can't Let Go

Dear Mr. Pence,

Regarding my previous post ("Dear Mr. Pence"), I need a reality check.

Given that:
  1. All of the people in that photograph are men.
  2. And elected officials.
  3. And highly educated (in theory),
  4. And, on average, at least 50% of their constituents are women,
  5. Who (also, in theory), vote...
...you expect me to believe that not one of those guys looked around that room and was prompted to say, "Dudes, I'm pretty sure none of us know what the fuck we're talking about."

Seriously???

It's not that I just disagree.  It's that I cannot, for the life of me, imagine the kind of mental processes going on in your quasi-Christianity-addled cranium.  When I try to imagine them, all I come up with are alien life forms.  And the Salem witch trials.

And now your puffy orange boss is threatening to take his toys and go home.  Tell the truck drivers to be sure to lock the doors and take their keys.

Appallingly yours,

Underemployed





 

Dear Mr. Pence


Dear Mr. Pence,

What is wrong with this picture?  If you answered, "Not one of those people know jack-shit about anything remotely connected with maternity," you would be right.

And I wouldn't be questioning your:
  1. Intelligence.
  2. Sanity.
  3. Morals.
  4. Residence status in the 21st century,
  5. And/or on Earth. 
Screw you.  And everybody else in that room.

Sincerely,

Underemployed
(Female, Mother)




Monday, March 20, 2017

Friday, March 17, 2017

Dear Pope Francis

Dear Pope Francis,

I just came across the following headline:

"Pope Tells Priests to Call in Exorcists When Needed"

I think the need is evident.

Can you lend us a priest?  And is there a group rate?

Yours in Christ,

Underemployed








Thursday, March 16, 2017

Dear Representative King

Dear Representative King,

May I quote you?

"My colleagues have generally been coming by and patting me on the back.  And a surprising number have said that they pray for me.  And, meaning they support me and they agree with me, a surprising number."

Or, meaning they think you're going to Hell. 

I wouldn't be surprised.

Unfortunately yours,

Underemployed

P.S.  Your nose looks like somebody's butt.






Curiouser and Curiouser

Dear Mr. Trump,

Every time I think that life under your inspired leadership can't get any weirder, it does.  Especially curious, and often disturbingly so, is your circle of confidants. A few of them would probably pass a psych eval, but I'm pretty sure that if I had to spend five minutes in a room with Mike Pence, Jeff Sessions, Steve Bannon, Steve Miller, and/or Kellyanne Conway, I could probably be persuaded to buy a one-way ticket to Mars.

I will now add Roger Stone to the list, the latest lunatic to emerge from your ever-increasing shadows.  I just can't keep up with all of these people, try as I might.  Much as I wish I didn't have to.

So, yeah, Roger.  Actually he's been on and off the scene for some time now.  A very snappy dresser, I'm told.  Doesn't wear socks, which disturbed Nancy Reagan, but hey! Einstein didn't wear socks either.  That's not enough to put him on my "whoa! wtf?" list. 

But this stuff is:
  1. He talks to you more often than I talk to my children.
  2. He exchanges tweets with Russian hackers.
  3. He once said, "One man's dirty trick is another man's civic participation."
  4. He thinks that someone is trying to bump him off,
  5. Because he thinks he was the victim of polonium 210 poisoning,
  6. And then - yesterday - an attempt at vehicular homicide.
  7. Because...why?
  8. And...by who?  The Russians?  You?
  9. To quote Ted Cruz (God help me, I'm quoting Ted Cruz):  "He's a man for whom a term was coined for copulating with a rodent."
  10. But the best reason - and I saw a picture of this, which may finally drive me into therapy - he has a picture of Richard Nixon tattooed on his back.

I think I'm done.  Good Lord, I hope so.  As I've said before, as soon as you start acting goofy, and I believe your "wiretapping" accusations qualify as goofy, one should check out what else is happening in your arena.

(By the way, you didn't use quotation marks in all of those tweets.  Go back and check.)

And if you see Rachel Maddow, tell her to calm down.

Very truly yours,

Underemployed






Tuesday, March 14, 2017

When in the Course of human events,

Dear America,

Isn't it about time we stopped pretending, and admitted that our maybe (or maybe not, pending investigation) duly-elected president is just straight-up crazy?

Sincerely,

Underemployed






Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Dear Mr. Assange

Dear Mr. Assange,

I wrote a poem for you:

There once was a man named Assange
Who was more than a little bit strange
He publishes leaks
And havoc he wreaks
(But)*
Trump's taxes seem out of his range.

*Extra syllable.  Sorry.

In other words, darling:  I don't give a rat's ass about WikiLeaks' latest batch.  Frankly, we've got bigger problems right now.

Grow some cojones and publish the tax returns already.

Expectantly yours,

Underemployed 

P.S.  If you rearrange the letters of your name, it reads:  "NASA is a jungle".  Coincidence?  Something's going on!

P.P.S.  It also reads:  "Glue a ninja ass".  Something still going on. Sad!








Sunday, March 5, 2017

I Get It!

Dear Mr. Trump,

I get it!  It's not Obama you want to vilify; it's the FBI!  (Thank you, Mr. Comey, for clearing that up.)

So, I'm guessing that the FBI is going to have some very interesting information for us, very soon.  Which, of course, will be suspect information (of course) because the FBI are Nazis, Nixons, McCarthyists, and don't like kittens.  And then there's the fake news (i.e, news not published by Breitbart), dishonest media, bad-sport Democrats, etc., etc...

Can't wait!

Got my radar on,

Underemployed




All aTwitter

Dear Mr. Trump,

Another crazy week!  Who could blame you for escaping to Mar-a-Lago for a little relaxation and a Twitter tantrum accusing a former president of illegal abuse of power?  It's a credit to your wisdom and cool head that you were able to move on so quickly to insult Arnold Schwarzenegger (dude, he's hotter than you, facelift and all, just sayin') and then play a few holes of golf.

Wiretapping!  No way!  "Way!" you say, and I am dying to see how this plays out, but your pet Spicey says there won't be another word about it until a proper investigation is conducted or you get your smartphone out of lockdown, whichever comes first.

I admit to being a bit skeptical about the wiretapping.  Permission to do a wiretap is hard to get, even if you're the president.  I believe that an FBI (not your favorite people) agent has to show a federal judge (notorious blockheads, as you well know) probable cause that the targeted wiretap-ee is an agent of a foreign power, and...well...um...hmmm...

Let's skip that.

The issue is definitely something bright and shiny, and distracting from Jeff Sessions' woes.  Maybe that's what it's all about; you just being a true-blue friend.  I think he might have some more problems coming his way, though.  Someone just might be inspired to look into Mr. Sessions' connections with the private prison industry.  Which is currently being accused of using slave labor.  Which some people might view as - to use the vernacular - right up his alley.

Never a dull moment!  I'll say this for you, Mr. Trump:  

You've certainly lived up to expectations.

Sincerely,

Underemployed

 



Friday, March 3, 2017

One More Time

Dear Mr. Sessions,

Let me try this again.  Because I think you're missing the point here.

Actually, I think a lot of people are missing the point here.  Did you meet with Ambassador Kislyak?  

Yes.  

Is it important?  Possibly.

But I don't care if you were swapping middle names or you were getting his grandmother's recipe for blini.  That's another discussion for another time.

What IS important is that you lied.  Under oath.  On video, on record.  We need a committee to figure this out?  

And heeding Donald Trump's opinion of you is like heeding a pyromaniac's opinion of an arsonist.

Just sayin',

Underemployed





Thursday, March 2, 2017

Dear Mr. Sessions

Dear Mr. Sessions,

To save everybody a lot of time, money, and a deluge of Wolf Blitzer's droning voice, I am appointing myself Special Prosecutor of your case.

Here is the accusation:
  1. At your confirmation hearing, Senator Franken asked you a question.
  2. You lied,
  3. And you knew it.
  4. Under oath,
  5. At you own freaking confirmation hearing.
Here is the evidence against you:



Just to be clear, here - according to the Oxford English dictionary - is the definition of perjury:  

"The offence of wilfully telling an untruth or making a misrepresentation under oath."

Here is the definition of untruth:  

"A lie or false statement (often used euphemistically)".

Here is the definition of false:   

"Not according with truth or fact; incorrect." 

Here is the definition of lie (noun):
 
"An intentionally false statement."

And here is the definition of lie (verb)

 Tell a lie or lies."

With me so far?

Good.  

Anything to say in your defense?  That doesn't make you sound like a ten-year-old who didn't do his homework?

I didn't think so. 

Now please go away.

Underemployed






 


I Did Not See This Coming

Dear Mr. Trump,

Jeff Sessions!  Jeff Sessions?!?

Mr. President, I think I see some clouds on the horizon...

Quick!  Legalize marijuana and socialize medicine!  Oh, and send Elizabeth Warren some flowers.  All will be forgiven.

Believe me,

Underemployed