Dear Australia

Dear Australia,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry because your handsome, progressive, well-educated, well-mannered, and legally elected head of state - with the very nice name - had such an unpleasant experience with our new (sort of a) president.

To be fair, Steve Bannon was in the room and Mr. Trump should have just handed him the phone, but that might have been much worse.

Let me tell you a little story.  Back in the days when I was gainfully employed, I worked for a company which came up with this brilliant idea: They gave all their managers psychological tests, and - based on the results - categorized them into one of four personality types.  The company then gave us cards that detailed how to interact with people from each of these four categories.  The idea was that we would consult the cards for tips on how to effectively communicate with one another.  A sort of "cheat sheet" on how to deal with humans.  It was recommended that we also keep a card by our phones.  I am not kidding about this.  I wish I were.

So, based on what I've seen so far - and America has a pretty lengthy history with the Trumpster - I've come up with a cheat sheet for Mr. Turnbull to keep by his phone, based on Mr. Trump's personality traits (I'll leave the category up to the popular imagination).  Hopefully, this will prevent any future misunderstandings. 

Things to Remember When Talking to Donald Trump

1. He's orange.
2. He has weird hair,
3. Which he "does" himself.
4. He's vulgar (Versailles Hall of Mirrors, pussy),
5. And a bully.
6. He has an extremely limited attention span,
7. And delusions of grandeur.
8. He has an obsession with "winning", though he's vague on what exactly is to be won.
9. He's thin-skinned, especially about size (hands, crowds).
10. He has difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality (The Apprentice, Melania).
11. He's terrified of all things alien,
12. Like immigrants, 
13. Women, 
14. Godzilla.
15. And he's uneducated.

I am basing #15 (above) on his use of the word "unpresidented" as an adjective.

I'm sure you and I would both love to see it used as a verb.

Cheers,

Underemployed